a/n: I don't usually do this, but if you can read while listening to music, then I recommend Two ghosts since it fits this chapter :)
AMELIA
I watch my sister sway her little girl in her arms, humming a lulliby. I find it surprising she can even stand on her feet considering it's been only two days since she gave birth, but I admire her dedication and love she has for her daughter. The child whines a little and circles her tiny fist around a lock of her hair, tugging at it. "Ouch." Lilly smiles lovingly at her, carefully taking the lock from Sofia's grip and flipping her hair behind her shoulders.
"Adam used to do that," I speak quietly, her brown eyes immediately shifting at me in surprise. I've been quiet since I came to visit her about ten minutes ago. "He would often pull my hair and play with it whenever I held him."
I've been avoiding both Lilly and her child like the plague for the past two days, feeling cramps in my stomach whenever I heard Sofia's cries. Finally deciding it is time I confront my feelings and fear, I came to see them. Someone so innocent and small doesn't deserve to be stripped away from my love, on the contrary, I have a chance give her all the love I couldn't give to my son.
Lilly's features instantly turn sad and I almost regret saying anything, a small smile appearing on my lips. "It's alright, Lilly, I am fine. I can talk about him now."
She studies me for a few moments before walking to her bed and sitting down beside me, angling her body towards me. "What was he like?"
A wave of nostalgia washes over me like it always does when I think about my little boy, my fingers fumbling in my lap as I reminisce. "He was the happiest child ever. Always exploring and smiling that adorable dimpled smile. He had the biggest brown eyes and they were so warm and full of life. I love him and miss him so much, I always will."
"I wish I could have met him." She smiles softly and carefully holds her daughter with one arm, wrapping the other around my shoulders and pulling me to her side, kissing my temple.
"Can I... can I hold her?" I ask insecurely, glancing at Sofia.
Lilly widens her eyes, unable to hide her excitement. "Of course! But are you sure?"
I gulp thickly and nod, taking a deep breath. The rhythm of my accelerated heart is almost painful, the surface of my palms becoming damp with sweat. "I need to, I have to let go of my fear and sadness. I want to finally meet my niece properly."
Lilly hands her to me with caution, Sofia's little body fitting into my arms almost perfectly. Warmth spreads through my chest when her hazel, almost golden eyes identical to her father's look at me, my lips spreading in a wide smile as tears cloud my vision. "Hello there."
"I want to look for Zayn, do you mind watching over her?" Lilly inquires and stands up while I nod, barely tearing my eyes off the little angel in my arms.
"Do you feel ill?" I ask worriedly, only now noticing her tired bloodshot eyes with dark circles underneath them and her pale expression.
"I am fine, you needn't worry," she immediately brushes it off. "Taking care of Sofia has just been a little crazy and hard. She's barely two days old, so that must be it."
"Then you choose any room you want and rest as soon as possible, I shall take care of her."
I end up holding her for what seems to be hours, just watching her and swaying her until she ultimately falls asleep in my arms. Holding her in my arms has made me realise how much I miss holding my child; I wasn't ready to have him taken away from me so suddenly and cruelly. I swallow a heavy lump in my throat, instead focusing on the fact I now have a niece I can spoil and give her my love. I can only hope I will manage to truly get better one day and make it happen.
Not wanting to separate from Sofia just yet, I lay down on Lilly's bed, letting the sleep catch up to me as well. For the first time in a long time, there are no worries troubling me or sadness constantly swirling in my chest; I sleep peacefully.
When I wake up, fear and panic take over me upon the realisation the baby is gone. Her crib is empty, my heart starting to beat frantically as I quickly rush out of the room, eyes watching all around. I break into a run, but it lasts short considering a strong hand grips my forearm, making me stop abruptly.
"Amelia, what's wrong?" Harry's worried green eyes search mine, both of his hands now circled around my upper arms to keep me in place.
"I can't find the baby..." I mumble in distress, my expression alarmed. "Adam, oh my God..."
"Are you looking for Sofia? She is with Zayn, don't worry," Harry tries to calm me down and steps closer to me, not removing his hands from my body. "She is alright, I promise."
"Yes, Sofia, I meant Sofia." I look down sadly, biting my lower lip. "I don't know why I said Adam."
Harry says nothing, only pulls me into a tight embrace, his palm pressing to the back of my head as he leaves a kiss on my temple. I close my eyes and relax, inhaling his familiar flowery scent. But then his hurtful words of accusation regarding the loss of our son rush through my head, the sense of familiarity fading and being replaced with anger, making me push him away and take a step back.
"I'm fine. I should get back to my room." I wrap my arms around myself, my muscles tensing.
Hurt flashes in his eyes and he grasps my elbow. "Please, let me talk to you."
I pull away from his touch. "No."
"Mel, please. It won't last long, just... give me a chance to say what I want and if you truly want it, I shall leave you at peace after that."
I look away, releasing a heavy sigh. "Fine. Talk."
He is visibly caught off guard, clearing his throat. "Uh, not here. Could we perhaps go to my room? Or any other place if you don't feel comfortable? I have one in mind."
I stay silent and give him a simple nod, letting him lead the way. For some reason, my palms are getting sweaty and my heart is racing while I mentally curse myself for being somewhat hopeful about this. What am I hoping for, I do not know, but whatever Harry wants to say will not erase the damage his cruel words caused.
After a few brief minutes of walking through the castle and eventually the gardens outside, we reach a small circular pond covered with lotus leaves. Harry lowers himself on the grass in front of it, looking up at me pleadingly as he motions for me to sit down beside him. I consider it for a moment before slowly sitting down, leaving enough space between us so I can keep a clear mind, not wanting to let his proximity cloud my senses.
"I miss you," Harry says after a few moments of silence. "I want to repair what is broken between us."
"I don't think there is anything to repair. What we had just... stopped existing." I shrug, picking at the grass strings. His words did come as a surprise, I never truly expected him to crawl back from the state of indifference and carelessnes he fell into. But I don't think he could ever be the same; neither of us can.
"According to my feelings for you, I have to strongly disagree. As long as I love you, there is still something left to fight for. For me, what we had still exists." I feel his intense eyes on me, his hand timidly approaching mine.
Just before our fingers can touch, I abruptly pull my hand away. "You ruined the last bit of it, remember? You blamed me for the death of our child, and you know what is the worst part? I began to question it, Harry, I actually believed you. I began to wonder what kind of a mother I was to leave my son behind and whether my presence could have changed something. I truly started to believe it was my fault." I manage to pour out the toxic thought that has been troubling me without sheding a tear, my fists curled at my sides.
"No, Mel, God... it's not your fault," Harry weakly says in shock. "I am so sorry for making you feel that way, I said that stupid thing because I was sad and in pain because of your rejection. And that is also my fault, I am aware of that. Please, know that I don't blame you and that you shouldn't blame yourself either. I was- am an idiot. Forgive me."
I listen to his words intently, finding it surprising how they barely have any effect on me. "I don't think I can find it in myself to forgive you, Harry."
He widens his teary eyes. "Wait, what are you saying? Amelia, please. I will do anything, I cannot lose you too."
"This isn't just about what you said, this is also about the way you treated me. This is about how I don't think we can repair our relationship after what happened to us, we've both turned into two very different people."
"No," he firmly protests. "I might have been an ass for the past six months, but I am still me. Granted, I did terrible things to people and I do not feel any regret because of them. Each of them deserved what they got in the end. But the only thing I truly regret is hurting you and pushing you away, punishing you for something that wasn't your fault. Don't tell me there is no chance for us to be together again. There is, there must be." He takes my hand in his, looking at me hopefully.
"I can't do this, Harry." I shake my head, once again pulling my hand away. "I don't see us ever being the same."
"Don't say that. Please give me a chance to make you love me again." He sniffs, blinking fast a few times. "I am still me, you need to let me prove it to you."
"Perhaps, but a big part of you is gone. And the same is with me. We're not who we used to be, we're two strangers now."
"What can I do? Tell me, and I will."
I stand up and take a deep shaky breath. "I don't want to see you breaking down like this, I don't want you to beg. I just want you to look at things from my point of view and try to understand."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything. I still think of him when I look into your eyes, they resemble so much to his. And it used to fill me with so much pain before, so I pushed you away so it could get easier for me, not thinking about your feelings." He sniffles again, looking up at me. "But now it fills me with joy and peace because I feel like there is still a part of him with us. I was so afraid he would fade from my memory, but whenever I look at you, I get reminded of what we had, of our happiness."
I catch a single tear with the pad of my finger before it gets a chance to fall. "If only you said that months ago. It's too late, there are so many other things we need to focus on right now."
"I was mad, Mel, so mad. I was mad because in one night my dreams got destroyed and everything fell apart. In one moment I had my baby boy and I was dreaming about having a little girl and in the other Adam was dead in my arms. It broke me. I let the darkness control me because it was easier."
I feel like someone has reached into my chest, squeezing my heart with their hand. "Little girl? You wanted another child?"
He nods, gazing down for a few moments. "I wanted a big family. I still want that. But most of all, I want you."
"I can't give you what you want, Harry. Why are you so persistent?"
Harry sits up on his knees and wraps his arms tightly around my thighs, pressing his cheek against my stomach. "I love you."
Seeing him like this breaks my already broken heart all over again, my hands hovering above his head, wanting to soothe him, my fingertips itching to run through his soft hair. Closing my eyes and inhaling a deep breath, I let them fall to my sides, tipping my chin towards the sky. I let him take it all out in silence, hoping he would see the reason behind my words.
"Don't leave me, you said you would never leave me unless I asked you to. Please don't, I cannot defeat my uncle without you, I need you." His hands clutch my skirts as he presses a kiss to my stomach, the heat of it searing through my clothing.
"I am not planning on leaving you, Harry, I wouldn't do that, especially now. There is a war you must win and I am your adviser. I am staying, alright?" I say honestly as he looks up at me with hopeful, teary green eyes, his face puffy and red from crying.
"Alright," he mumbles quietly. He gives me one last tight hug before slowly releasing me from his hold, his shoulders slumping, eyes averting to the ground. He looks broken again.
"See you tomorrow." I take a step backwards and leave him behind as quick as I can before I cave in.
👑👑👑
Sleep refuses to come that night. I toss and turn all over my bed, huffing out in frustration. It feels like the sun might come out any second now, my eyes burning from the lack of rest yet my mind preventing my body from getting it. A sigh pushes past my lips as I lie on my side, giving my poor pillow a few punches to make it softer and more comfortable.
My heart almost stops in my chest when a figure walks into my room, my eyes widening in alert. I push my palm beneath my pillow where I keep my dagger as the male figure approaches me, sitting on my bed. However, when a flowery scent hits me, I let go of the dagger, a different kind of panic rushing through me. What is he doing here?
Harry lies down beside me, not making any moves to touch me, the sounds of his steady breaths filling the air. My eyes are closed as I focus on keeping my own breathing calm while my already alarmed heart thuds painfully in my chest.
"I couldn't sleep, I'm sorry to bother you. I thought this could help with making me sleepy considering I've done it a few times before," he says quietly, shocking me. "You are a very heavy sleeper, a bloody earthquake wouldn't be able to wake you."
I don't say anything as silence engulfs us. Harry lies on his side so he can face me and even though it is completely dark and it's impossible to see anything, I can feel his eyes watching me. "I really am sorry and I really do love you."
"I am afraid too," I mutter, my voice slightly scratchy. "Of losing his image. And I feel like every day it fades a little."
"Just like I see him in you, you could search him in me. He was a part of us, Mel, and as long as we live, so will his memory. We won't forget, I can promise you that."
I take a few moments to process his words, surprised they've made me feel slightly better. "You asked me to forgive you. But I wonder can you forgive yourself?"
He stays silent for a little while, rolling himself onto his back. "No, I can't. I am a hypocrite for asking for your forgiveness, but I need it. Perhaps if I earn it, I might be able to look at myself in the mirror one day and recognise the person staring back at me."
I let another few minutes pass before I prop myself onto my elbow and press my lips against his forehead shortly. I may not be able to forgive him just yet, but I won't push him away either. Only Lord knows how much time do we still have together anyway, and I have to make sure it is well spent. I had no chance to say goodbye to my son, but I do have a chance to do it with Harry, so when the time of the war comes, both of us can fight with no regrets.