Chapter 23
Set you free
Narating ko ang building ulit habang patuloy ang luha ko. Sinalubong ako ni Vee and when I saw her, I hugged her agad at saka umiyak.
"W-wala na siya Vee.." I cried.
Hinawakan ni Vee ang buhok ko habang nakayakap ako sakanya. The people who are passing by are looking at us pero wala na akong paki. I'm too hurt to care.. gusto ko lang ilabas ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko.
Sobrang sakit pala makita na ang mahal mo, and the only guy who really loved you walk away from you. He's the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me... and yet pinakawalan ko pa siya.
Max is my the one that got away. We are just a pair of lines na once nag-cross, pero maghihiwalay din. Kung ano man yun, a 5 day fling or what you call it, ngayon ay wala na. Pati narin siguro ang friendship namin.
"Shhhh... it's okay Ria.." she said.
I wanted to believe her. Gusto ko maniwala na everything will be okay, even though I know it will take time. Pero sana, maging okay na ang lahat. Please spare me from all the heartaches I will feel dahil sa ginawa ko.
If love is a wonderful feeling, why does it require sacrifice? Bakit masakit?
KINABUKASAN, nagising ako sa bed ni Cassie. Lahat kami ay nag-sleepover, and this is the day one of my heartbreak journey. Pagod na akong umiyak, pwede bang ngumiti naman?
"Good morning!" Cassie said as she entered my room. "Are you ready to battle your sadness today?"
Sa likod naman niya ay pumasok si Jane and Vee na may hawak na peanut butter pancakes, my favorite. Ngumiti ako sakanila at nilapag nila yun sa bed, umupo naman sila sa dulo.
"We're going to school today.. pero naisipan namin mag black market later since wednesday ngayon! Are we g? Let's go bad decisions?" Cassie said enthusiastically.
Tinignan siya ni Vee at bumalik sakin ang tingin nito. "I don't think it's a good idea, Cass.. she's still healing from everything that has happened and I think we already had too much alcohol.."
Tumingin naman ulit sakin si Cassie. "What? Drinking is a good way to forget!"
Hindi totoo yun, alam ko dahil matagal ko ng ginagawa yun. In fact, I met Max because of that. But to be honest I think I'm fed up with just staying here. Siguro nga tama sila, I need to unwind.
"Okay.." I said.
"We'll go?" Jane asked me again and tinignan naman si Vee. I know both of them doesn't want to do this because of me at alam nilang I'm still going through it but I want to assure them na okay ako.
"Wait, I'm not forcing you ah!" Sabi ni Cassie because napansin nya ang tingin ni Jane and Vee sakanya. Tumawa naman ako. I nodded in reply at nginitian siya.
"It's my choice.." final kong sagot sakanila.
Pag-tapos non ay lahat na kami nag-ayos for school. Lahat kasi kami may pasok ngayon, and hindi kami pwede mag-absent. We all went to school using Cass' car at nag-hiwalay na kami for our class.
I don't know how I survived the day, knowing that pumasok pa ako despite what I'm feeling. I have to go to school even if wala na akong motivation pa pumasok since this is my last year at kailangan ko ipasa ang mga subjects ko in order to graduate. Finals are coming at next week na yun, so kailangan ko umayos.
Same old, I talked to my friends, got through this day and also just... wrote. Nag-sulat lang ako the whole day and even though may ngiti ako sa labi habang harap ang iba.. I'm hurting. Maybe that's what I'm feeling... depression hits you up not only at night pero also sa umaga when you're around people, struggling to get through the day.
I looked at my journal at inipit dun ang letter na hindi ko na maibibigay o mababasa man sa kanya even though I wrote this for him. Miss na miss ko na siya that I almost texted him kanina because he always fetches me after school when he's free tapos pupunta kami kahit san para mag late lunch or mag movie marathon. Sasamahan din niya ako mag shopping, if gusto ko.
Tears started to well up in my eyes again while sitting in my creative writing class. It was quiet at ako lang mag-isa since I don't want to socialize with anyone... at wala si Lyndon, maybe fixing his documents needed para sa pag-alis niya next week.
Pag-tapos ng class, maaga palang ay lumabas na ako. I'm going to meet my friends at the café near here since nauna ako ng 1 hour umuwi kesa sakanila because tuwing wednesday, 5 lang ang uwian ko. I was about to walk papalabas ng gate when I saw Chantelle outside my building. Saglit akong napa-tigil to make sure that it's really her. Nang marealize kong siya nga iyon, agad akong nag-lakad papunta sakanya. What is she doing outside my building?
"Can we talk?" she said when I stopped in front of her. Tinignan ko siya and she's obviously pretty with her formal outfit on. She's older than me kaya mas matangkad siya. I'm not intimidated by her but I can't deny the fact that she's pretty.
"About what?"
"I prefer somewhere private. Let's go to that café.." tinuro niya ang café na pupuntahan ko. I nodded in reply and we started walking. Sinenyasan niya ang bodyguard at driver niya kaya naka-sunod ito samin.
The walk papuntang café was oddly quiet, but I didn't mind. I adjusted the glasses I'm wearing hoping it's enough to cover up my sore eyes. Narating na namin ang café and I ordered macchiato for me at sakanya naman ay iced coffee.
Umupo kami sa table na malapit sa window at umupo siya sa harap ko. She took a sip of her drink at ganon rin naman ako, waiting for her to say something.
"Max.. didn't come home last night. Angkong asked me a favor to meet you, and ask if you know his whereabouts.." she said.
Hindi pa umuuwi si Max? Saan siya pumunta then? Did they check his credit cards to see if he checked in somewhere? Thoughts quickly filled my mind, at agad ako nag-panic. Chantelle saw my reaction pero hindi ko mapigilan kabahan. Who is he with? At bakit siya hindi umuwi? I need answers right now or else I'll overthink.
"I don't know anything. Hindi ko alam san siya pumunta..." I said, biting my lip dahil hindi ko maiwasan kabahan. Where did he go?
Chantelle looked at me as if I'm guilty of something. It's offending but what can I do? Of course ako agad ang paghihinalaan... and baka rin iniisip nila alam ko kung nasan siya pero hindi ko lang sinasabi.
I took another sip of my drink.
"But, were you with him before siya hindi umuwi?" she asked. Naalala ko na ako nga pala ang huli niyang kasama, yung nag-usap kami. That was already 9pm that time, almost 10. Bakit hindi siya umuwi?
"Yeah.." I said.
Natahimik kaming dalawa at pinanuod ko siyang kinuha ang phone niya to call someone. May it be Angkong or Ama.
"Hello, Angkong.." she said on the phone. "I'm with her right now and yes, she was with Max last night. Opo... okay po. Okay po.." she said.
I looked around at nag-isip kung saan pwede pumunta si Max. My phone is still turned off because I don't want to tempt myself from texting him.. baka rin masagot ko ang calls niya.
Binaba ni Chantelle ang phone and she looked straight at me. She glanced at her watch kaya ganon din ang ginawa ko. I still have 20 minutes before my friends come here.
"I'm going to be straight, Ria. I'm not the villain in this story.." she said. "Hindi ako hadlang sainyo. But I love Max, and I want what's best for him.. same as what Angkong and Ama wants. That's because I grew up with him, and matagal ko na siyang gusto.."
What's best for him then? I wanted to ask. Is it you? Of course, ikaw. You're the perfect Chantelle that everybody wants. The prim and proper one who can handle herself at may ipagmamayabang na not only because of what her family can afford but also the title she established for herself.
"... I just wanted you to know that you're slowly destroying him Ria. And if it's love, it's a toxic one. You shouldn't destroy someone you love.."
I looked at my cup at nilaro ang moist nito. I'm trying my best not to cry and to not let her show my feelings.
"I already told him to stop.." I said. Tinapos ko na ang lahat ng pwedeng tapusin, even though it hurts big time. Ano pa bang kailangan ko gawin?
Tumingin siya sakin at tumango. "Thank you.. I know it's hard. But hey, at least it's for the best right?"
I nodded in reply. Hindi na ako nag-salita pa since wala rin naman akong kaya sabihin.
"... we're getting engaged, pag balik namin ng China. The party na hindi natuloy was not only for his Angkong but also for us... dapat dun na sasabihin sakanya, but hindi nangyare because of you."
My heart broke when she said engagement. Nakinig lang ako at hindi na nagsalita pa. Hindi ko na rin siya tinignan because she might see the tears that are welling up in my eyes.
"We're planning another one. I don't know if sa china or here. Angkong wants to talk to us kaso hindi sya umuwi. I know-- we all know he won't approve and that's why we'll take our time. I hope magiging masaya ka for us, kahit hindi na for us.. kahit for Max nalang. It's for the better, Euphoria. And if you really love him..." she paused.
"... let him go."
I finally looked at her and then smiled. "Congratulations on your engagement. I know hindi siya mahihirapan magustuhan ka."
Ngumiti lang siya sakin.
"Thank you. You deserve a love na hindi ka masasaktan Ria. A love that you won't have to fight for.. because it's truly yours.."
Hindi na ako nagsalita pa pero I just smiled at her. It's already 6 and tumayo na siya. Tumayo na rin ako kasabay niya para mag paalam.
"Good bye, Ria.." she said. "I guess I'll just text you pag umuwi na si Max.."
Binigay ko ang number ko sakanya.
"Sige. Bye," I replied. She gave me a smile at ganon din naman ako. Pag-alis niya, umupo ako muli at hindi na napigilang umiyak. The pain of slowly losing someone you love really hurts big time.
Kinuha ko ang tissue sa table at ginamit ito pang punas ng mata. I'm tired of this. I should be happy, right? Tama siya, it's for the best!
Dumating ang mga kaibigan ko pero hindi ko na sinabi sakanila ang nangyare. I acted as if nothing happened at hindi rin ako umiyak because I think too much na ako nagiging pabigat sakanila.. ayoko ng ganon. They want to enjoy kaya ganon rin ako.
Besides, Max is getting engaged! I should be happy right? Hindi siya maeengage sa kung sino man! It's Chantelle, the girl everybody wants... I should be happy for them!
"Ria, are you not going to wear any make-up besides that concealer?" Cassie asked habang nag-lalagay ng eyeliner niya.
"I just need it for my eyes.. ayoko na ng madaming make-up sa face," I replied. Even though ang totoong rason ay baka umiyak lang ako mamaya at maging itim ang eyes ko.
Asa bahay niya ulit kami ngayon. 2 days na akong hindi umuuwi samin.. but I told Red naman and he said it was okay. But hindi ko na siya nacontact since I turned off my phone. I'm sure it's okay din naman since mga kaibigan ko lang namam ang kasama ko.
Pumasok ako sa guest room and I saw Vee there, sitting on the bed while looking at her phone.
"Why? Is there something wrong?" I asked when I saw her problematic face.
Tumingin siya sakin at binalik ang phone niya sa bag. She stood up at inayos ang buhok niya. She's wearing a pants and a cropped top while ako naman ay naka-shorts and halter top plus bomber jacket na army green.
"Brian's not texting since kanina pang umaga, I don't know what happened.." she said.
Umupo ako sa tabi niya and I sighed. "I shouldn't care but wala rin daw si Max sakanila. He didn't come home last night. Do you think mag-kasama sila?"
"Hmm. Most probably. But I don't know why Brian's not texting me.."
"Baka they went somewhere.. to drink or what.." I told her.
When everybody's done, sumakay kami sa car ni Cassie because we'll go to Black Market. It's already 10PM since nag-dinner pa kami. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but if this is what it takes to forget my heartaches for a while, then I would gladly do so.
"Ria! Shot!" Our friends cheered ng makita kami nila Cassie dancing on the dance floor. The music blasting off the speakers were too loud. Sobrang dilim ng paligid at nilagok ko agad ang shot na hawak hawak ni Cassie.
"Let's drink to that heart break!" Cassie cheered habang tinataas ang shot namin at sabay sabay kaming ininom iyon. The shot burned my throat at napa-ngiwi ako sa tapang ng lasa.
Fuck everyone. Fuck being in love. Fuck Chantelle for deserving Max because ako hindi. I'm so fvcking in love with him to the point na ang sakit sakit pa rin even though I have no choice but to be happy for him. Why did I even think na pwede kami?
"He's getting engaged! My the one that got away is engaged now.." I told my friends habang sumasayaw kami sa dance floor. Kumuha ako ng panibagong shot at ininom ito.
I hope he's enjoying his life. Ilang araw palang na wala siya, hindi ko na kaya. I hope he's doing good. Please spare him from all the heartbreak because ang sakit eh. He doesn't deserve that.
"What?" Vee asked. Sinigaw niya iyon dahil hindi kami mag-karinigan.
"I said he's getting engaged! Now what?"
I'm sure narinig niya yun. She gave me a sad smile at saka ako niyakap even though asa gitna kami ng dancefloor. Her hug made me cry all over again. Fuck this! I'm such a weakshit! Hinatak ako ni Vee papunta sa table at doon ako umiyak ulit. She's still hugging me habang ako umiiyak sa shoulders niya.
"I- I just want this pain to stop. Hindi ko na kaya Vee.. I don't know pano ko siya haharapin without crying.." I told her.
Jane and Cassie are nowhere to be found but that's okay dahil ayoko rin makita nila na umiiyak ako. Gusto ko mag-enjoy lang sila. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at hinatak si Vee papunta sa comfort room because the place is too dark. Buti nalang at ganon, walang nakakaalam na umiiyak ako. Kaming dalawa lang.
When we got to the comfort room, I looked at myself in the mirror at nakitang pula nanaman ang nose ko. Good thing I did not wear any make-up.
I wonder asan si Max? If we're still okay siguro kasama ko siya ngayon, binabantayan niya ako sa mga lalake na lalapit sakin. Or taking care of me because I'm too drunk to even walk.
I only took 2 shots kaya hindi pa ako tipsy. Pero dahil sa kakaiyak ko, nahihilo na ako. I washed my face sa sink while si Vee naman ay nasa likod ko.
"I'm sure he's heartbroken too, Ria. Kaya hindi siya umuuwi. Hay.. why did you have to end this?" she said. Pinunasan ko ng tissue ang mata ko. I can smell the vodka in my mouth kasi sobrang lakas ng pina-inom samin ni Cassie.
"I have no choice, Vee.."
"I know but--" naputol siya ng biglang mag-ring ang phone niya. I wonder where's Max right now? Kasama na kaya niya si Chantelle?
Inayos ko ang sarili ko habang sinasagot ni Vee ang phone. Lumayo siya ng onti para sa signal.. and then naalala ko na yung phone ko nga pala ay almost 3 days ng naka-patay and yet I kept it in my pocket. Kinuha ko iyon at tinignan.. should I open it?
Why do I get the feeling that I should open it?
"What? Nasa Black Market kami.. nag-aya sila Cass. WHAT? Okay.. OKAY. Okay I'll tell them.. Okay!" Napatingin ako kay Vee when I heard her panicking. Hinayaan ko mag-open ang phone ko at nilagay ito muli sa pocket ko.
She went to me agad agad at hinatak ako. "Let's call Cass and the others!"
"What's happening?" I asked, kinakabahan na ako because nagpa-panic siya.
"Red and the others are outside. They need to talk to us now.. lalo na sayo," she said. Lumabas na kami at dumilim na naman ang paligid. Looking for Cassie and Jane will be a lot harder because of the dark.
"W-why me? Is Max outside? Gusto nanaman niya ba ako kausapin?" I asked. Deep inside me, I'm hoping na tama ako. I just want to talk to him again..
"I don't know Ria. Brian told me we need to get out of here ASAP. Nagpapanic din sila.." sabi niya. We looked for Cassie and Jane sa dancefloor pero si Jane lang ang nakita namin. Kinakabahan na ako... hindi ko alam kung bakit.
"Jane! Where's Cass?" Vee asked. Jane looked at us with tipsy eyes.
"Hinatak siya ni Red kanina.. palabas.." she said. Hinawakan siya ni Vee at hinawakan ko naman siya sa kamay at sabay kaming lumabas. We looked for the others.. at nakita ko sila Red. Lahat sila andon... except for Max.
Cassie is sitting on Red's car, sa passenger seat. She's already drunk, and si Jane naman ay tipsy na.
"Did you drink?" Red asked me. Napatingin ako kay Cassie na naka-pikit at naka-upo.
"Just 2 shots. Why are you guys here?" I asked.
"Where's Max?" Vee asked sa likod ko. Saglit silang hindi sumagot at nag-tinginan sa isa't isa. Red and Brian nodded at each other at nag-simula na mag-lakad papunta sa mga sasakyan nila. Vee and Jane rode with the guys at kami naman ni Cass ay sa car ni Red.
"Guys, answer me! Where's Max?" I asked. Saglit na napatigil ang lahat bago sila pumasok sa car. Brian looked at Red, as if telling him na mag-salita na siya.
"Save it for later, Ria. Pupunta tayong hospital. Na- aksidente si Max.. he's confined at... critical," Red answered.