I sat on the bed and read it over and over. I didn't sign my whole name, but it was my handwriting. I felt utterly sick to my stomach. It just didn't make sense. I don't know how long I stared at it. I went back to his drawers and searched them all looking for more, but I found nothing.
I went into his study and searched through his desk. I opened the top drawer and shuffled through the papers. In the back was a square box. I knew right away I had seen that box before. I ran my shaking fingers along the soft brown velvet. I was afraid to open it. I knew what was inside that box, but I didn't know how I knew. I lifted the box out of the drawer and slowly lifted the lid. I snapped it shut and dropped it back into the drawer. There was no way this was happening. Nothing was making any sense. Why did Sorin have the amber necklace that had flashed through my mind? Coincidence. It could only be coincidence right?
I continued to search through the apartment. I realized that what I wanted was to find nothing. We can't always get what we want. Between the letter and the necklace I felt like I was losing my mind. Something big was going on and I hadn't the slightest clue how any of it was possible.
I racked my brain for a reason to not panic. I sat on the couch fighting back tears. I knew everything was too good to be true. I knew he was too perfect. I knew that if I ignored all the signs, I could pretend everything was fine. I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes, pinching between my eyes trying to fight my oncoming headache. I didn't know what to do.
Should I go looking for him demanding answers?
Should I wait for him to come home and confront him?
Should I just ignore it and continue on with things?
I opened my eyes and there on the very top shelf on the wall was a wooden box. That would be a perfect place to hide something. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew for sure the answers to my questions were in that box.
But how was I going to get up there?
He didn't have a ladder, and it was too high to stand on a chair. I could find Modo and maybe she could morph into something to get it down for me. That wouldn't work. I didn't want to explain to anyone what was going on. Especially since I didn't know myself. I could try to knock it down, but how do I explain myself if there's nothing in it and I break it. It would probably end up being a priceless artifact with my luck.
I was so torn. I trusted Sorin, but now I was afraid it was blind trust. How could he not trust me enough to show me this, whatever it is?
I went and sat in Emily's room and told her everything. It helped me to talk it out in the open, even though obviously, it was a one sided conversation.
I decided I would wait for Sorin to come home and ask him about it. The worst part was that I had no idea when he would be home.
I spent the better part of the day mulling over what to say. I didn't know if I even had any reason to be angry, or if I had every reason to be angry. He had told me there was a lot I didn't know, and that he would one day tell me. I never expected it to be anything like that. Whatever that was, I wasn't sure. I thought it would be something about things he had done in his past, or secret royalty crap that he wasn't supposed to tell me.
My head was throbbing and I couldn't stand it anymore. I decided I would go to see Lera and get her to take my headache away.
Just my luck, Lera was out, and wouldn't be back until the next day.
I went outside to get some fresh air and literally bumped into Ronin. I had been walking with my head down, rubbing my temples.
"I'm so sorry!" I looked up and my face went red when I saw him.
"Wow! You are like an emotional rollercoaster!" He smiled at me "Although I am slightly more comfortable with these emotions," he added dryly.
"That makes one of us. I would take lust over devastation, any day." I glowered.
"What is the cause of your troubles?"
"Apparently, I am," I replied, still rubbing my head. "I have to go, could you find Sorin for me? It's really important."
"I will see if he can leave." He bowed and walked away.
When I returned to the apartment, Sorin was standing there waiting for me with a smile. I wanted to bawl my eyes out. He stood there so perfectly, with no idea what I had found.
"Are you okay? Ronin said you were upset." His face showed his concern.
How could he be the person in the letter who puts his job first? He is always here for me. He is so willing to fix anything, do anything. This is the man who said he would give up everything for me.
I opened my mouth and all that came out was my breath. I couldn't do it, I couldn't tell him, and I couldn't hurt him. My eyes welled up, and immediately he was at my side.
"What is wrong? Tell me." His velvet voice shook.
I couldn't speak. I just pulled the letter out of my pocket and handed it to him.
He took it from me and opened it. When he saw what it was, he closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. "Where did you find this?" he asked calmly.
"I wanted to wear one of your shirts and when I pulled it out the letter dropped on the floor." I was barely holding back my sobs "I wasn't snooping, I promise. Well... I did after I found it, but only to try to find some sort of reason why it was there or why it exists." I was rambling on through my tears, "I looked through everything in this whole place, but I swear that's the only thing I found. Well that and a necklace I dreamt about, but I don't even want to go there. I wouldn't normally go through your things, but I needed to know."
His eyes were full of sorrow when he finally opened them. "Everything here is yours, you can look through anything you like. I am so very sorry you found this the way you did." He stroked my hair with his hand. "I have something else to show you."
He reached up and the wooden box flew down to his hand. He held my hand and led me to the couch. We sat down and opened the box.
It was full of pictures. He handed them to me and I flipped through them. They were pictures of us together, at the beach, at the cabin, with my mom, skiing, at Christmas, Emily and Ryan's wedding.
"This doesn't make sense, you weren't at Emily's wedding, or that ski trip or any of these other times. I have these pictures and you are not in them! My God Sorin, what is this?"
He put his arm around me and rested his head on mine.
"I know it doesn't make sense to you, but I was there."
I shook my head. "No you weren't." I grabbed a picture from the pile. "I went to this with Kevin! I went by myself to the wedding. I brought Brad to the Ski Chalet. You don't understand! I have these exact pictures and there are other people in them with me. You were not there!" I insisted.
"Have you seen any of the guys from your pictures since?"
"What difference does that make?"
"Do you not see? It was you that Ciaran took from me. The fae are extremely powerful. Rewriting the past is not easy, but for them it is possible. He erased me from your life. He took me out of every memory including every picture. He replaced me with other faces that do not exist. He attempted to take you from my memories as well but I am immune to his magic. With the exception of a few, no one in my life remembers you. These photos are the only proof of our life together.
"When you came back here and developed all of the same friendships as you had before, I knew without a doubt that you were meant to be here with me. I swore I would not lose you again." He paused in thought, "I was not attentive enough to you before. I worked all the time, not knowing how unhappy you were with me. You always showed a brave face. I did not realize until you left, how unhappy you had become with me," he explained sadly. "I vow to you I will not repeat my mistakes. I have been blessed with a second chance and I will not fail you this time."
"The woman that you loved... she was me?" I stared at him in disbelief. He reached over and wiped the tears from my eyes.
"You are the only one I have ever loved. I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. Please try to understand, I never wanted any of this to happen. Once it did I could not change it. Forcing memories can cause irreparable damage. That is why I could not explain so many things. All I could do was watch over you, and keep you safe. I worried if I tried to start something new with you, Ciaran would just take you all over again. It is bad enough to lose someone you love, but knowing that they do not even remember your name, let alone loving you, is unbearable." I could see the pain in his eyes.
"So I did know him as well?"
He nodded "When you decided to leave me, he took that opportunity to befriend you. He helped you go home. I saw you together many times after that. You seemed really happy, so I left you alone and watched from the shadows. I thought you wanted to be with him.
"The day the Lamia showed up at your cabin, I was really there to see you. I wanted to see you in the place where we had spent so much time together." He caressed my cheek with his hand. Distress distorted his perfect features.
"I missed spending time with you there. I had been there off and on since you had arrived. Max barked and ran to me one night and I thought for sure you had seen me."
"I remember that night, I did see you, but you were too far away, I thought you were a bear or something." I wondered how many times I had seen something unexplained, and it was actually Sorin.
"I watched Josh comfort you that day on the dock." He swallowed hard and then squeezed his eyes shut, shaking the thought from his mind. "It broke my heart watching you together, when I so badly wanted to be there for you."
A pang of guilt riddled my body. I knew it must have been so painful for him to watch Josh and me together. I finally understood where the animosity came from.
"Oh, Sorin. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that." I placed my hand on his, turned and kissed his palm, easing his pain ever so slightly.
I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I sat there motionless; praying I was being Punk'd, thinking what a cruel joke it was.
"That's how you knew what food I like." There were so many times I wondered how he knew things he shouldn't have known.
"Yes."
"What size I wear."
"Yes"
"The perfect ring to buy." I held up my hand to see my ring. Not many men would pick a princess cut diamond inset in platinum.
"Yes."
"That I would sleep better in your bed."
"You never liked the other bed, that is why we bought the bed in our room."
"When I asked you to take me home and you said you already did."
"This is your home as much as it is mine."
"And Rage, he knew didn't he? He remembers me leaving and hated me because I hurt you when I left. Modo knew too. She would always make cryptic comments about us that made no sense unless she knew we had been together before. But how could they know? No one else knew me."
"Rage is like me, so the magic did not alter his memories. Modo is a shifter, part animal and Ciaran didn't take that into consideration or more likely just did not care."
"I feel like I've been robbed. I have. I have actually been emotionally robbed!" I needed to go, to run, to scream at the injustice of it all. I felt like I was losing control, my anxiety was choking me. So many levels of devastation coursed through me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Yet at the same time I could.
"It had become so easy to be with you. I wondered how I could feel that way so quickly. There had been moments when we were too comfortable together too soon, touching and holding hands without realizing." I looked through the pictures again and again as I spoke. I could feel an ache deep inside of me; so painful it was hard to bear.
"You always look at me like you're searching for something. Now it all makes sense. You were waiting for me to remember you. I think deep down I do. I've always felt like I've known you forever... like when I'm with you I don't feel the emptiness that's plagued me." I put the pictures back into the box, and put it on the couch beside me.
"I have to go." I stood up and went to the door. There was so much I needed to sort through. I felt like my thoughts were jumbled and I couldn't think clearly.
"There is so much more I must confide," he said as I walked away.
"Not now. I need to absorb all of this first. I can't handle anymore."
"I cannot lose you again," he said solemnly.
I glanced over at Sorin and my heart broke. The sadness was overwhelming him. I held my hand out for him to come to me. He grasped my hand in an instant. I softly ran my fingers across his full lips. "I love you, and I know in my heart I belong here with you. I won't go far. I just want some time to sort through everything." I brushed my lips across his. "Please don't follow me. I need to be alone. Just for a little while."