I spent the next several days stuck indoors. It was all I could do to not worry incessantly about Emily. I had already cried myself out through the first night, to the point of being numb to the pain. There comes a time when you have no choice but to turn on the autopilot and stifle the anxiety. It's like your body's self defense mechanism, you suppress your emotions and continue living. Something I had become accustom to after losing Elizabeth. It's always nagging at you just beneath the surface but overall, as long as you can remain calm, you are able to put on a happy front to those around you. Besides, for now, Sorin was right, there was nothing I could do to help Emily.
I had a deck of cards with the things Sorin had brought for me, but you can only play so much solitaire while you're in solitary confinement. I took a deep breath and opened the door. I almost took a run for it, when I saw the guards were not right outside of it, but I knew they would catch me. Honestly, I was sure Rage would jump at the chance to pummel me.
"Vallin, Rage, why don't you come in here and play cards with me, I am going insane in here by myself," I pleaded with them.
They didn't say a word. They stood there like stone.
"Oh, come on, I'm sorry okay, you can't blame me for trying can you? I promise no tricks." They didn't move. "If you have to watch me anyway, what difference does it make if it's inside or out?"
They looked at each other and Vallin actually looked worried.
"I promise I won't bite," I said with a smile. "How about you go and ask permission?"
Reluctantly Rage left.
"What's up with him?" I asked Vallin.
"He does not trust you."
"And you do?" I smiled sheepishly. If anyone shouldn't trust me it's Vallin. He was clearly a newer guardian. With his sandy blonde hair and green eyes, he reminded me of a young Josh.
"Master Sorin trusts you, so I see no reason not to," he replied.
It was funny to me that until then, I had never even thought about whether or not Sorin trusted me. I was too wrapped up in figuring out if I could trust him to even think about the amount of trust he must have in me to leave me in his home alone.
"I'm sorry for what I did to you, it was wrong. I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed out. I misinterpreted Sorin's intentions." I didn't want him to think I was sketchy.
"I know. I am thankful you did not try to force your way past us." Vallin admitted.
"Why is that?" I smiled.
"At the time we would have tried to subdue you." He said bitterly.
I took a shot in the dark and said "What would get you in more trouble, letting me get away, or subduing me?"
"I do not wish to answer that, should it give you any ideas." He smiled shyly.
"Hmm." I looked at him and stepped around him, he would move to block me, but would not touch me. How strange.
I went back inside and laughed as I said, "See I'm not so bad, I can do as I'm told.... Sometimes."
"Thank you. You have saved me from much grief." He looked genuinely relieved.
"Don't worry it'll be our secret." I winked.
Rage returned with the verdict of my plea. He spoke, in another language, directly to Vallin.
"Only one of us is permitted to stay inside, and the door shall remain open," Vallin translated for me.
"Let me guess Rage wants to play cards with me." I smirked. I don't know what possessed me to antagonize him. I was leery of him but figured if Vallin wasn't allowed to touch me, the same must go for Rage.
He turned his back to me and manned his post outside the door.
I was sort of shocked that he was so outright nasty. I ushered Vallin inside and being a smart ass, I pretended to close the door.
Rage slammed his hand on the door and hissed at me. I'm talking full on animal hiss with fangs and all. I gasped and jumped back.
Vallin lunged at him in my defense. I barely registered Rage's movements; he had Vallin pinned to the floor so fast.
"Wait! Stop! I was only kidding I wasn't really going to close the door. Let him go," I yelled, shocked at what was happening.
"Rage, release him immediately." Sorin ordered.
Reluctantly, he let go, allowing Vallin to stand.
"Vallin, send Caleb and Malek in your stead."
"Sir, permission to stay," Vallin asked, bowing his head respectfully to Sorin.
I held my breath, hoping Sorin would allow him to stay. I really liked Vallin. And the whole situation was my doing, not his.
"Denied." Sorin glared at him and shifted them away with a wave of his hand.
"Why would you send him away? He's the only guard that will talk to me. Do you have any idea how boring it is here for me? It's all I can do to not freak out, constantly wondering when the hell you are going to get your ass in gear and take me to find my sister! Damn you Sorin! I demand that you bring him back!" I was seriously on the edge of insanity. I was struggling to hold myself together.
"How dare you demand that of me!" He glared at me from under his furrowed brow, trying to intimidate me.
I wanted to take a step back, but figured I had nothing to lose so I stood right up to him, "How dare you hold me hostage!" I snapped in his face, and then stormed toward the door. I violently flung the door open, only to be faced with two more Guardians.
"Get out of my way!" I yelled at them and forced my way between them. They stepped in front of me, but would not touch me. I glared back at Sorin, "How do you expect them to keep me here if you won't allow them to touch me?" I pushed them out of my way and continued to walk.
Sorin appeared in front of me, his chillingly deep growl echoed through the hallway, reminding me of just who I was dealing with. "They may not be permitted to touch you, which is only out of courtesy on my part, but I will if you do not go back inside." His voice was controlled but his anger filled the air like a vise waiting to clamp down around me. "Now."
"Sorin please," I pleaded in desperation. All of my anger was spent. "Don't make me be alone all the time, it's going to drive me crazy. Please let him come back, he was very nice to me."
"Not an option."
"I don't understand why," I said unhappily and went back inside. I went straight to my room, slammed the door and flopped down on the bed.
"Nicole, please come downstairs." He called to me a moment later.
He was so frustrating I could hardly stand it. I waited for a while so he didn't think he could summon me whenever he pleased, and I went and stood on the stairs.
"I don't know what you expect from me. You have no television, no radio, and no English books, what am I suppose to do while I wait?" I asked while my tears conspired against me and spilled down my face. "You have no idea what this is like for me, waiting and waiting, it's torture for me. You have no idea what I've been through. I just wanted a friend to talk to, is that asking too much?"
"Do not cry." His voice took on a soothing tone.
"Don't pretend you're concerned for me," I lashed at him. My autopilot was on the verge of complete malfunction.
"I assure you my concern is genuine." His face was kind as he reached his hand toward me. "Come."
I stood there for a moment staring at him. It was nearly impossible to deny him. I couldn't figure out why, there was just something about him, something comfortable.
I took his hand, he led me to the couch to sit down and he sat in the chair across from me. I was surprised when Max jumped into his lap and went to sleep. Sorin didn't seem to mind at all. He even pet Max as he spoke.
"Vallin and Rage must be reprimanded for their actions. I could not let one stay and punish the other. I will permit Vallin to visit you, but he will no longer guard you," he explained.
"But that doesn't make sense to me, he was trying to protect me, and that's what you said they were here for. Rage hates me for no reason. He overreacted to the situation. Anyone could see I was just kidding around." I felt horrible that Vallin was in trouble because of me.
"Rage is not just anyone. It is not wise to provoke him."
"I wish you would have told me that earlier. What is with him anyway?"
"He does not like... humans," he explained.
"That's comforting." A fang toothed, human hating maniac was exactly what I needed to add to my situation. Riiight. I didn't even want to explore that path.
"Why can't Vallin be my guard?"
He frowned. "Vallin's ability to guard you has been compromised."
"You just want a reason to have three guards here all the time." I muttered sourly.
"I assure you, Vallin will not be here all the time," He stated firmly.
"It's not like I am being hunted, be reasonable. Post him as one of my guards, I don't want him to get the wrong idea about why I want him here." The situation was starting to feel weird.
He contemplated what I had said for long enough, I could tell he was giving in.
"You have a good point. I will post him here, but you cannot try to use your influence to get him to do things he should not."
The way he looked at me gave me a chill. He looked at me so intensely, like he was searching for something. I held his gaze, not wanting to look away. I expected to become uncomfortable, because he didn't break eye contact, but I wasn't. His eyes were kind, but I could tell they were sad.
"Why are you so sad?" I blurted out all of a sudden, and wished I hadn't.
"Why would you say that?" His voice was thick with surprise.
"I can see it in your eyes," I admitted, "They say your eyes are the window to your soul," I said lightly and smiled.
"I think it must be because you work too much." I joked, but he didn't laugh and a pained look crossed his face.
He stood up and held out his hand, "would you like to go outside with me?"
I grabbed his hand without a word and he shifted us down to the courtyard.
"Wow, Sorin, if I knew you were going to take me this far away, I would've had to think about it." I giggled.
"I believe they say beggars cannot be choosers." He teased me, smiling. Face sobering, he drew in a breath. "I understand that you feel trapped. Things here are different than your world and as you know, there are some that are wary of outsiders. I will try to find time to show you around so then you may leave on your own. I assure you my only concern is your safety."
"You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders." I studied him with concern.
We both laughed at my silly choice of words.
"I suppose you actually do. Don't you ever take time off?" I asked.
"It has been a long time since I had a reason to leave my work. There is much I have to do."
"That's what you have other people for, you're supposed to delegate." I noticed I was still holding his hand. "Sorry." I blushed and let go.
"You do not need to apologize, it is fine," he replied, which made me smile.
It was almost dark and I decided to sit on a bench in the middle of the courtyard, hoping to catch a glimpse of the stars.
"Can I stay until the stars come out?" I asked him.
"If that is what you wish." He stood beside me silently, legs apart, hands behind his back. My protector.
"What do you wish?" I asked curiously and patted the bench for him to sit.
He sat down beside me. "I wish for you to know I will find your sister."
"Thank you." I smiled at him. It warmed my heart that he was so determined to help me. "But I mean for you. If you could do anything right now, what would you do?"
He thought for a moment and then replied solemnly. "I would turn back time."
"Wow, go big or go home huh?" I grinned at him.
He chuckled.
"Why turn back time?" I thought that was an interesting answer.
"There are some things I would like to change."
"But if you changed things you might not have the pleasure of my non-stop-action company." I joked, chuckling to myself. I thought for sure he must think I was crazy. My emotions were all over the map. "Just imagine how boring your life would be without me in it. You know, I only wreak havoc to spice things up for you!"
"You definitely keep me on my toes." He laughed a real laugh that reached deep in his dark eyes.
"There, the sadness is diminishing. I think you need to laugh more."
"Perhaps your spice is exactly what I have been missing." His smile was so genuine, I knew at that moment I could trust him completely.
"Do you know the constellations?" I stared up at the bright stars littering the sky. "You have three moons here?" I exclaimed excitedly. "I thought more than one moon would wreak havoc on the planet."
"I think you cornered the market on wreaking havoc." He laughed.
"So you're saying with me here, the laws of physics go right out the window?"
"No, you cornered the out the window market too." He laughed again.
"Hey, no mocking me! Let's be clear, I only thought about going out the window!" I laughed with him.
"I do know some constellations. Do you see the eight stars in a row there?" He pointed to the sky.
"I see them."
"That one is called Elisa's Arrow. It is named after a Valkyrie. Over to the right of that is a group that is shaped like a man, that is called Corron, named for our King. The one I like is that one, with the three interlinked loops." He said as he moved his hand to the far left.
"I don't see it, where is it?" I asked searching the sky.
He moved closer to me and picked up my hand to line it up with the stars. "It is that group there." He pointed my finger toward it. "See how it forms three pointed loops? It is called—"
"Triquetra?" I turned my head and his face was just inches away. It could have been one of those awkward moments, but he was surprised by what I said.
"Yes, how do you know that?" He was shocked, staring at me.
I sat forward and pulled up the bottom of my shirt, revealing my lower back, and my recently acquired tattoo... a triquetra.
"When did you get that?" he asked as he reached out and ran his fingers over it, but withdrew them quickly. "I should not have done that, I apologize."
"It's fine, no big deal. I got it shortly after my sister Elizabeth died. We both really loved Celtic knots, so I picked the triquetra for many reasons. For one, it has three loops, one for me and each of my two sisters, and the center represents my brother, who we always hover around." I smiled as I explained to him.
"What are the other reasons?" he asked, paying close attention.
I was honestly surprised at the interest he showed. I suppose he was just being polite.
"I guess part of me was immediately drawn to it. It stands for special things that are threefold like, mind-body-soul." He had moved closer and we sat facing each other while we talked.
"So, you have two tattoos," he said looking toward my ankle.
"How did you know?" I asked, but remembered what I was, or rather wasn't, wearing when we met. "Never mind, don't answer that." I raised my hand, palm facing him.
"I have bear paw prints around my ankle. I spent a few summers studying bears and I fell in love with them. They are so beautiful and ferocious. My plan was to become a bear biologist, but it wasn't in the cards for me. Instead I got my tattoo, a permanent reminder of that part of my life." I lifted up my pant leg and showed him.
"I take it you have none?" I asked.
"No, in most realms the tattoos are tribal and not purely for decoration," He explained.
"In my realm, tattoos are still frowned upon by a lot of people. They think you are of a lower class if you have them. I don't care though, they mean a lot to me and I would never get rid of them." I told him.
"I like them. They tell a story about you." He smiled at me.
The more time I spent around Sorin, the more relaxed I felt around him. He had done a great job of getting my mind off things, if only for a short while.
"Do you really think we'll find Emily?"
"I promise you we will. I know it is hard, but you should not worry. I will get her back for you."
We sat silently for a long time, just looking at the sky.
"Are you ready to go inside now?" He held his hand out to me and I took hold of it.
Shifting was very strange for me, one moment we were sitting in the courtyard and the next we were standing in the living room. I fell slightly off balance and he caught me. I wondered if I would ever get used to traveling that way.
He picked up a bag by the door and handed it to me. "We will be heading out in the morning, so wear these. It will be better for you to blend in with us. I will see you tomorrow," he said before heading up the stairs to his room.
I grabbed the bag then picked Max up off the couch and went up to my room. I dumped out the contents of the bag on my bed. Black cargo pants, black long-sleeved t-shirts, flat black boots and a black jacket. Guardian gear. I was surprised when the clothes actually fit.