If This Is Love: 23 | I'm Proud of You
| Laura Renae |
"Are we gonna talk about how amazing the song Laura wrote is or are we gonna pretend like my best friend didn't just sing her heart out for the first time by herself ever." Rydel says, putting some dry shampoo in her hair. "Because seriously, that was incredible and you absolutely blew everyone away." I smile at her while I put some moisturizer on. After I sang my song, the rest of the concert I had a massive smile on my face and no matter what, it wouldn't go away. Singing my song, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I have no idea why, considering I have Ross physically and mentally, but I felt a lot lighter and happier in a way.
"When did you even write it? And why the hell didn't we know?" Rocky asks. And here's the talk I was trying to avoid. I peak around the room, seeing the entire De St Jeor family and the Lynch family, all looking at us. Our bus call wasn't until tomorrow afternoon and we had a good hourish until we needed to be out of the venue (around 12:30am), even if Bauer was already asleep on a couch beside myself and Ross. Now I look at Ross, his gaze set on the floor and his hands in his lap.
"Um, I started the night before.... before Brianna came over for dinner." I quietly say. "And well... the first verse was actually about how Ross said we couldn't sleep in the same bed or whatever," I start, a little uncomfortable talking about this subject in front of everyone. Especially if Ross and I still haven't fully talked over what he did. "but everything else is how I felt about... the situation of him being with Brianna." The room was quiet for a second.
"I'm so sorry, Laura." Ross finally says, his head finally lifting up. I turn my head to the right, locking eyes with his, seeing the glossiness return. "I seriously fucked up and I know I was a jerk for doing that, and I can't image what you went through, especially with the sleeping thing because I know you never really slept, and I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did, but I can't take back what happened. I wish I could, but I can't." I give him a small smile, truly knowing he didn't mean to hurt me.
"I already told you that it's okay." I tell him. "Plus, without what you did, I wouldn't have wrote a song and faced my biggest fear-" Ross cuts me off.
"But-" I groan and semi-smack my hand over his mouth to shut him the up.
"Ross, stop. Look at where we're at right now. You and I are together, you and I are happy. It's okay, I'm okay, we're okay. If it's still bothering you, we'll talk later about it. But please, just shut the hell up about how sorry you are. Be proud of me for doing something that you know I had such bad anxiety about from the day you helped me out in the supply closet." His entire body relaxed and his face dropped completely as he grabbed my wrist and pried my hand off his mouth.
"Laura, I am proud of you. I'm incredibly proud of you. Are you crazy? You'd think I wouldn't be proud?" Before I could respond, Ryland speaks up.
"Uh, you two should like... stop talking like you're alone because you're not, and I'm sure I can say for all of us that we're a bit uncomfortable and feel like we're intruding on an important conversation." Ryland explains, sucking in a breath at the end. Ross' grip on my wrist suddenly loosens at Ry's words, leaving him to place my hand back in my lap, a good half a foot away from his own lap where I wanted to hold hands.
"Right, sorry." Ross whispers. Again, it was silent for a few minutes, everyone looking around at each other in hopes someone would speak up.
"Alright alright, I'll break the silence." Riker mumbles. "Are you thinking of recording that song or just sorta keep it as a live thing?" He asks.
"You know, I haven't really thought about it." I honestly reply.
"Would you want to perform it at every concert? We could have you do it the same time every concert, right after Trading Time and right before Ross' solo gig." Rocky explains. "Because seriously, it was dope. And the crowd loved it." I furrow my eyebrows as I think about it. Doing it every concert means having insane nerves up until I perform it, which could lead to a mini freak out after so long, but it also made me feel a lot better afterwards. So really, what do I have to lose?
"Um, yeah, performing it every concert seams cool." I reply, shrugging my shoulders. "Best way to completely get over the fear is to face it head on multiple times." I quietly add.
"Plus, you fucking killed it." E adds. I smile over at him. "By far the top two proudest big brother moments I've felt in my life." I furrow my eyebrows over at him.
"What was your top?" I ask.
"Watching you graduate high school with a four point oh. Because hell, I could not do that." Everybody in the room laughed a little at him and I couldn't help but roll my eyes with a smile. "You should probably call mom and dad and tell them what happened. We had Ryland record it." I then smile over at Ryland who was sporting a grin.
"You were incredible, Renae." He tells me.
"Thanks, Ry." I quietly say.
"Well, I personally thought you were the best part of the concert." Beauty suddenly says, getting up from off the far couch to come over to me. I smile wider, accepting the hug form her that she initially walked over for. For awhile longer, we all sat around and talked, but we eventually all left. Instead of getting a hotel or completely destroying the B's house, we all decided to head up to the cabin their Mamoo and papa have had for years and years, just like they do every Christmas. Luckily, the band showered at the venue and Ryland was the only one who needed to, so everyone went their separate ways for sleeping arrangements. Ross and are are sharing a bed upstairs in a room with Rydellington and Rocky.
For the past half hour, E and I were quietly sitting on the end of the bed him and Rydel were gonna sleep in, FaceTiming our parents while Rydel, Rocky and Ross were in Riker, Gordy, Gus, Boston and Ryland's room until he and I finished up.
"Well, I'm glad you did what you did. The video Ryland took was amazing." Mom says, smiling at us.
"It's late, guys." Dad says, giving us a soft smile. "You two should get some sleep, yeah?" I roll my eyes with a smile, knowing he was the tired one.
"Dad, you can just tell us you're tired." E says, laughing the slightest.
"Yeah yeah." He mutters. "Night, love you both.
"Love you both, too." Mom says, smiling at us.
"Love you." E and I say at the same time.
"I'll text you when we leave." I add. "And I'll call in a few days."
"Sounds great." Mom says. "Alright, night." We wave quickly before Ellington ends the call, rubbing his eyes and all afterwards. I chuckle, fixing my glasses after rubbing my own eyes. "I'm gonna go get the boys and Rydel and tell them it's safe to come sleep." I quietly say, standing up.
"Mhmkay." E mumbles. I roll my eyes as I exit the room and quietly knock on the other door before peaking my head through.
"Hey, just letting you know E and I are done." I say, giving them smiles.
"Are you gonna go to bed?" Ross asks me, not bothering to get up like Rydel did.
"I'm gonna lay down." I tell him. "You don't have to come in yet if you don't want to." He nods his head slowly, to which I nod my head slowly back. What is with the two of us tonight? The two of us haven't really been... normal since after the concert. Which is kind of weird, considering I felt awesome after I sang the song, but now it's kind of strained and I don't know what to do anymore. "Night." I say, walking over to him. For good measures, I run my fingers through his blonde mop carefully and kiss his forehead lightly.
"Night." He whispers. Before I got out of the bedroom door, Ross spoke up again. "Wait, actually..." I turn around and watch as he stands up and slaps over to me. "Can we go outside and talk for a little?" He quietly asks me.
"Uh, yeah. Can I grab a blanket or a sweatshirt or something?" I ask.
"We can just grab a couple blankets from downstairs." He tells me. Nodding, I make my way downstairs with Ross following behind me, not saying a word as we pass by the kitchen where Mark and Shor were. "We're gonna be outside for a few." Ross tells them, walking over to where they keep all the blankets. He grabs two, handing
me the fuzzier and thicker one. I give him a smile and a small thank you before turning around and walking out the back door. Silently, the two of us walk for the chairs across the deck. Ross sits down first, and I was about to head to the one beside him, but he quickly grabs my hips and stops me. I stop mid step, letting Ross gently pull me towards him. I sit myself onto his lap, letting him envelope me into his arms as I rest my back against his chest, his head resting against my head. For awhile, the two of us are silent, listening to the crickets and the trees rustle as wind comes and goes.
"I feel like it's my birthday again and you're about to give me the ring." I whisper, finally speaking up. Ross chuckles the slightest, gently squeezing my body. One question that's been on my mind for quite awhile now is how did Ross hide his feelings form me for eight years. How did I not see it?
"Do you want to talk or should I, because I know you have a lot to say, Laura." Where's bean? I haven't heard him say it since before the concert and that was literally hours and hours ago.
"How'd you do it?" I whisper. "How did you hide your feelings from me for eight years?" I add. Ross sucks in a breath at my words, his entire body stiffening for a split second before puffing out a breath and relaxing.
"I didn't hide them." He mumbles. "Literally, I didn't. Did you never realize how much I use to stare at you when you'd talk? Or why I'd always want you to cuddle into my side? Laura, you just never realized it." I frown at his words.
"But you seamed so in love with Brianna, it doesn't make sense." I mumble.
"It's called acting, my friend." He whispers. "Exactly how you hid yours from me."
"The amount of times I almost cried in front of you is insane." I whisper.
"Laura-"
"Please don't apologize again." I whisper. "I know you're sorry, and I forgive you. Do I wish you would've done things differently? Yes. Did you hurt me a ton? Definitely. Do I still love you because I know you'd never mean to on purpose? Absolutely." I explain.
"I still feel bad." He mumbles.
"Well... you honestly should." I tell him.
"You're not helping!" He whines. I sigh and sit up straighter, turning myself sideways so I could look at him full on.
"Look, I'll admit, those five months sucked ass. I cried a ton, I felt like complete shit and not worthy enough for you, and I may have possibly slept like shit, but I'm fine. It was tough, but I made it through it." I explain. I gently cup the side of his face, rubbing my thumb along his cheekbone. "If you knew from day one that I suddenly started to feel something for you, I know you wouldn't have continued that stupid thing with Brianna. Babe, I know you. I know you'd never intentionally hurt me. You made that quite clear with how you acted after I said I hated you. And seeing how upset you are and how much you keep apologizing, it's insanely clear that you love me way too much to ever hurt me."
"I do love you, a shit ton, bean." Bean... the smile on my face after he said that was unreal. Closing my eyes, I rest my forehead against his, the two of us falling back into silence. But then a few more questions popped back into my mind.
"Can I ask you a few other things?" I whisper, waiting until after I say those words to pull my head up off him. He looks at me for a couple seconds, most likely examining my face for any hints, before nodding his head. "How much did Ryland know?" I ask. "You said you tell him everything." I add, taking my hand of his face. I quickly pull the blanket more on my shoulders as Ross takes a deep breath, a small chuckle escaping his lips.
"By everything I mean my feelings towards you. I never told him things we talked about privately. He never knew about how bad your anxiety is or your panic attacks, not even school rants or stressed out rants. All he knew was every dream I ever had about you, every lyric to every song I wrote about you, every poem I wrote, every short story, everything revolving me loving you. Even fucking drawings I made and pictures I saved or took of you without you knowing." I raise my eyebrows up at him. "I know, I was obsessed. I still am." He mutters.
"You wrote things about me?" I ask him, a smile forming on my face.
"When I say obsessed, I seriously mean it." He whispers. "And looking back on it now, its fucking embarrassing." From the dim lighting of the back porch light, I could see Ross' cheeks turn a slight pink, causing me to laugh and rest my forehead against his for a few seconds.
"Will I ever get to see these songs and stories and stuff?" I ask, pulling my head away from his again.
"I don't even know where they are, but they're somewhere in boxes in the garage at my parents' place." He tells me. "Maybe in the future you will." He adds. "But if you want a future with me, I suggest you never look for them or open them. That's if you really love me, bean."
"Alright alright, I won't go snooping around the boxes." I mumble, turning around to my first position. I lean back, my back resting against his chest again as he wraps his arms back around me, hugging me into his body. He rests the side of his head against mine after gently kissing my temple. "Anything else we want to talk about while we're out here?" I ask him.
"Why didn't you just tell me you started to feel something for me?" He asks me.
"Why didn't you?" I retort.
"I asked you first." He whispers. Sighing, I close my eyes.
"Because you had a girlfriend, Ross. That's seriously all there was to it. If you weren't in a relationship, then yes, I would've told you. I'd talk with the girls about it first, get their dish on what I should do, but I definitely would've told you." I honestly tell him. "And I never had a boyfriend, you had so many chances to tell me."
"And every time I worked up the courage to, I realized that you wouldn't like me back. And if I got rejected from you, bean, do you know how upset I'd be?" He tells me. "I debated in my head for days whether or not to tell you how I felt when I gave you that ring." He mumbles, nuzzling his head in the crook of my neck. "Every time I held you like this all I wanted to do was kiss your neck." His muffled voice dies off as his lips land on my neck, softly kissing my skin. Out of instinct, I tilt my head, letting him kiss more of my skin. I love it when he does this.
"Don't give me a hickey." I whisper, not moving at all. Ross nips at my skin again before pulling away, tightening his grip around my waist. "If you loved me all this time, why did you sleep with some Japanese girl the first time we visited Japan?" I ask.
"Honestly, I completely forgot about that." He whispers. Ross has only slept with one women, I thought two because of Brianna but since she bats for the other team and was a fake girlfriend, his number dropped back down to one. "It was one of the first few times I was actually drunk, like completely shit-faced, and I just remember thinking it was you I was dancing with at the club. And obviously when I woke up the next morning it definitely wasn't you... which makes sense considering you didn't even go to the club in the first place." He quietly explains. "So basically it was a mistake."
"So you don't even remember your... performance?" I ask him.
"Um, no. I don't know if I was any good or any bad. But I mean, you could always tell me-ow." I jab my elbow into his chest. "I was kidding. Jeez, I know you don't want to have sex with me, relax." He breathes out.
"It's not that I don't want to have sex with you, Ross. It's just not the right time. We're about to be on a tour bus for two months and we don't have a hotel anywhere, babe. And... yeah." I mumble, kinda embarrassed.
"I know I know. I want it to be special, too." He mumbles. "Anything else we want to talk about to clear the air?" He quietly asks, resting his back against the side of mine. I take a deep breath, trying to think.
"I don't think so." I whisper, closing my eyes again. "But if I think of something... I'm allowed to ask you, right?"
"Of course. Same goes for me. And for kisses." I could feel his smirk against my cheek. Turning my head, I kiss his cheek, smiling against his skin.
"As long as we're not in public or there is no cameras around and the fans." I quietly say, smiling against his skin. "I love you." I whisper.
"I love you, too." He whispers, turning his head. At this awkward angle, he presses his lips against mine, pressing my glasses into the side of my face as well. I smile again, letting the boy kiss me all he wants. I wasn't expecting him to pull away as soon as he did, but his next few words kind of made me understand. "I'm proud of you." He says.
"What?" I ask. Ross gently pushes on my side.
"Face me." He whispers. I furrow my eyebrows at him. "Straddle me, bean. Bend your knees if you have to. I want to see your face when I say this." Sighing, I stand up and wrap the blanket tightly around me. The chair had armrests, meaning there was space between the armrest and the bottom of the seat, so I slip one leg in one side and the other on the other side, letting me sit on his lap. Now our eyes were almost level, his being slightly at my forehead level, and he wraps his arms around my waist. I bring my hand up to his face, gently rubbing my thumb under his eye as I press a kiss to his lips. "Mmmm, you better stop kissing me." He mumbles against my lips. I pull away, smiling at him.
"What if I want to keep kissing you?" I ask him, not moving my hand.
"Tempting." He mutters. My smile fades the slightest. "I'm proud of you, bean." And now my slight smile was replaced with a shy smile as I look down at our laps. Ross takes a chunk of my hair and brushes it behind my ear, something I rarely ever do. "I mean it. And I may have not seamed like it earlier, but I'm insanely proud of you. You sang your heart out and even if it was about me hurting you, you were incredible and I couldn't be more proud of you. You're fucking amazing, Laura. So fucking amazing that I can't compare to you and sometimes I wonder how the hell you're my best friend, now my girlfriend, it's insane, really." I couldn't help but blush at all his words. "I can't tell you how proud I am of you, and now that you'll be singing it every concert, expect a lot of I'm sorry's, I love you's, I'm proud of you's, and a hell of a lot of kisses, bean."
"I'm down for that." I whisper. Ross chuckles, removing my glasses. "Are we gonna kiss now?" I ask him.
"Hell. Yes." Now I chuckle, letting him cup my face and lean in, pressing his lips against mine.
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