Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
I Miss You ~ Blink-182
~
Luke's POV
We gave up on band practice about an hour ago. It didn't seem natural to have practice on a day that's not Friday. We're making a video for YouTube, but I can't stand it.
The song reminded me too much of Ashton.
(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends
(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)
I listened as Calum sang, strumming on my guitar. Ashton was like an angel, but didn't see it. He was trapped in a darkness. I wished it never ended.
Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight
I sang my part, trying not to burst into tears. Where is his mind and where was my apology? I just said fucking "okay." What's wrong with me? Is this why I can't sleep? I need him and he needs me. Forever and always, right? He's depressed and it just haunts him. It just eats away at him. He called me and it ended. I almost called back. We just need all this pain to stop.
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
He thought I was just wasting my time on him.
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
What does the voice inside his head say?
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Mine says I need him.
(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)
God, I miss him.
~
Calum's POV
Luke seemed a little off during the whole cover. I leaned over and whispered to Mikey.
"Does Luke look a little off to you?" I asked him, trying to keep Luke from hearing. I doubt he did, he was in the middle of a solo. Michael just chuckled at my questioned.
"What?" I asked. What's funny about Luke being sad?
"He looks in love to me." Michael replied. Ashton. He's been so hung up over Ashton, hasn't he? What's happened to the happy little Luke I've known? He's just not the same. I mean, he still eats and showers and shit. He just is quiet and the happy glow in his eyes stopped, turning them to a dull blue.
I guess love hurts, huh?
My thoughts were confirmed when the song ended and Luke ran out of the room in tears.
~
Ashton's POV
After I had thrown up without force, I was freaking out. I was fucking terrified. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to hang out with anyone I knew. So I went to the only person I could trust right now.
My mum.
Of course, she was here. She was on the phone, most likely with Harry's mum. I didn't care if I would be interrupting her. I needed her. I just didn't know how to tell her without actually telling her, if that makes sense.
I walked downstairs and approached the kitchen. I heard her talking to someone, saying bye and hanging up. She started cooking dinner, and I did the only thing I thought of.
I fucking blasted the radio.
I loved doing these things with her. It goes from making dinner to making a mess and just making cookies instead. I never ate them, but it's the thought that counts.
When I turned up the radio, she looked at me and then turned back around and started twerking very badly. Her singing wasn't much better, but I don't think either of us were trying. We were shouting the lyrics as loud as we could.
All I Do is win win win no matter what
got money on mind i can never get enough
and every time I step up in the building
everybody hands go up
and they stay there
and they say yeah
and they stay there
Up down, up down
cause all I do is win win win
and if you goin' in put your hands in the air..
We started yelling very badly. I put my hands up and down and she flipped pancakes up and down, landing God knows where. It was my solo time since she didn't know the words to the rap.
She started laughing when I finished rapping and danced how a twelve year-old girl would. I laughed and almost jumped on her from behind, but remembered how that ended when I did that to Harry. Yeah, best not to do that. Instead I just grabbed her hands and started dancing with her and we started singing again. Well, more me singing and her laughing, forgetting all about the pancakes.
Swerving in my Lolo,
head on the swivel
you know serving me's a no no
clean as a whistle as I pull out in my Rolls Royce
yellow bone passenger they see it, they say oh boy!
tell Khaled back it up, my niggas call me Loco
that's for armed trafficking, don't make me pull that fo-fo
ask you what you laughing at
represent that mud life
dirty money bitch you better get...
She turned the volume down to say something.
"Boy, you better watch your mouth!" She faked yelled at me.
"Mum, I curse around you all the time." I told her.
"Then I guess I'm doing something wrong." She said, laughing. I just reached behind her and turned the volume up.
We just kept singing and dancing until the end of the song.
~
"Yeah, that's a huge mess." I said, stating the obvious. Me and my mum had just got done with dancing to about 4 songs, and the kitchen was covered with flour and other pancake shit.
"Yes, it is. And you're going to help me clean it." She said, getting out some supplies for cleaning. If I cleaned then I'd probably know what they were called. I picked up a tiny little bag and threw it away.
"Done." I said, smiling a real smile, showing off my dimples but not my teeth. Those were my favourite kinds of smiles. The ones with no teeth showing but with dimples showing.
"I could make you clean the whole kitchen by yourself for that." She scolded. I knew she wasn't serious, but I helped clean, just to be sure. I made sure that I frequently groaned and complained, though, so she would know I hated doing this. The bad thing about having fun is that there's normally a mess you have to clean afterwards.
I yawned, causing my mum to yawn. I giggled, manly of course-alright I'm not fooling anyone. It was a damn girly-ass giggle. Eh, everyone I have known thought it was cute. I didn't really believe them, though.
"I'm tired." I said as we finished cleaning. She pulled me into a hug and started rocking me. we just stood there for a while, in the middle of the kitchen, me in her arms. She was humming a very softly. It reminded me of how Luke hummed in the lunch line. I pulled away when I was about to fall asleep.
"You are really sleepy. Time for bed, then." She said, stroking my cheek lightly. I smiled the same smile I did earlier, only a little smaller. She lead me to my room as if I was a 5 year-old. I guess I am a 5 year-old, because I didn't want to sleep in my room. It was lonely in there.
"Mum, can I sleep in your bed with you?" I asked her, looking at her through my hair that was hanging over my eyes.
"Of course you can, love." She said, walking to her room with me following her. I can imagine she's lonely, too, without anyone else here. She's probably glad that I'm coming to sleep with her.
We reached her room and she went to the bathroom as I got in bed. I turned the TV on and changed the channel to Family Guy, my favourite show. I looked over to see my mum washing off her make-up, and decided not to fall asleep until she got here. I haven't talked to her lately and I need to.
Call me childish, but I'm a teenager that likes to cuddle with their mum. Don't judge, it's comfy and warm. I haven't cuddled her in ages, now is better than never.
Besides, I think we both need each other.
There's been many times when I thought about telling my mum. About everything. The bullying, the cutting, the eating disorder. But I never do. God, I'm such a fucking coward.
Yes, I know I normally deny having an eating disorder, but I'm starting to believe it. After what happened today, I'm fucking terrified. I'm not scared of dying anymore. I'm scared of how people will react to my death. Hell, why am I worried? There will probably be a fucking party. Well, not for my mum, though.
What about Luke, though? Would he care? I doubt it. He didn't fight for me. He just said "okay." Does he even care? I doubt it. Wait, then why does he keep offering me a fucking cookie then? What the hell is up with this damn oreo shit? Is he trying to help me? Does he want me to hurt? That's what that cookie does. That's all that tiny little goddamn cookie does. Going down and up, it just hurts.
Well, okay, Luke. O-fucking-kay.
I was brought back from my thoughts when the bed sunk next to me. I lifted up the covers so that my mum could get under them.
"You take to long to get ready for bed." I complained, wrapping my arm around her stomach, making sure to hold my sweater sleeve down. I put my head on her chest and she wrapped her arms around me. I melted into her, happy to finally be back in her arms after so long.
"I know. I'm here now. Just go to bed. It'll be okay." She said, seeming to be trying to comfort me. I know there's more behind that then just "go to sleep." Honestly, I was just too damn tired to ask.
"I love you." I told her.
"I love you, too." She told me back.
After those words, I fell asleep in her arms, for once feeling safe and sound.
~