oreo // lashton

remember me.

Don't blame yourself when you find out

You know it's not your fault

I've had these problems for some time now

There's something very wrong

Inside my head you are my friend

So let us make amends

And send me off right

'Cause I won't make it through this night

And I have just one last request

Please remember me at my best

Remember Me ~ The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

~

Ashton's POV

The urge to cut was unbearable. 

I stood over the sink, holding back tears. I bit my lip in attempt to stop the tears from coming. I can't cry. I can't get better if I cry. I won't allow myself to cry. 

But I cried.

I held a blade in my hand. I couldn't do this. I have been clean since I went into the hospital. I'll ruin this streak. This is the longest I've ever been clean. What will Luke think? Will he be disappointed in me? 

Fuck it. 

I held the blade against my wrist. As I was about to slide it across, I dropped it. I really wasn't going to do this, was I? My mum will see. Harry will see. Everyone will see.

Luke will see. 

I just had to do it where nobody will see it. I grabbed the waist of my jeans, pulling it down slighty, along with my boxers. I examined the faded scars displayed on my hips. I held the blade to my hip, pressing down with as much force as I could manage. I slid it slowly across, watching as beads of red popped up along the cut. I didn't stop there.

I couldn't stop there.

I did it multiple times on my hips, too upset to stop. I kept telling myself that I'd stop soon. That I couldn't do too many. That Luke would hate me. 

But Luke didn't have to know.

~

 I didn't want to get up in the morning. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to exist.

I just wanted to die.

I got up like everything was okay. I wore sweats instead of my normal skinny jeans. I wore a very shitty hoodie. I put on my glasses, as putting in contacts required effort. I ate breakfast, ignoring whatever feeling it gave me. I didn't care anymore. Nothing mattered. I didn't matter.

I was nothing.

Walking to school was just like any other day, except somehow worse. My hips were aching. My stomach hurt. Everything hurt.

But I'm fine.

As long as I act okay, everyone will think I'm okay. Nobody will bother me. I'll eat, I'll smile, I'll laugh, I'll talk. I'll be fine. 

I'll be fine with acting I'm fine.

'Hey, Ash. What's up?" Harry said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I smiled at him.

"At school." I stated bluntly. He laughed, taking his arm from my shoulder and entering the school with me. I met up with the band idiots while Harry went to Zayn and all of them. He knew I was okay with him hanging out with them. I had other friends now. I didn't need Harry to act like a brother to me all the time.

"Hello." I greeted as I sat next to Calum. I got here early, which Calum always does. I don't understand why, since he hates school with a passion. I guess it's just something he likes to do?

"Hey. You're here early." He said. I smiled, nodding my head.

"I woke up early and decided to." I said, shrugging. He nodded, holding his head up with one of his hands, his elbow on the table. I got out my iPhone and ear buds, playing one in my ear and handing one to Calum. I laid my head on his arm that was placed across the table. 

"You look tired. Regret coming here early?" Calum asked. I shook my head.

"I'm not even tired." I mumbled, closing my eyes.

~

"Get up, Ash." Luke said, shaking my shoulders. I opened my eyes, rubbing them slightly. I looked at Calum's arm, seeing that my glasses had left an imprint.

"You're not even tired, right?" Calum said sarcastically. I flipped him off, causing him and the others to laugh. Michael's laughing turned to coughing, as he was still slightly sick. Luke just laughed at his coughing even harder, causing Michael to laugh and cough even harder. 

"This is a fucking train wreck." I said, faking a laugh. 

"Hey." A voice said from behind me. I turned around, jumping back slightly when I realized it was Josh.

"What do you want?" I asked, faking confidence. I was terrified, which was obvious since my legs were shaking. Luke's hands turned into fists. I could tell he was ready to pounce on Josh.

"I came here to apologize." He answered. I looked at him in pure shock.

"W-what?" I said, surprised. Was this actually happening? 

The next thing I knew, a bucket of the cafeteria milk had been poured on me. Luke, Cal, and Michael started telling off Josh and his friends. I grabbed Luke's keys, running out of the school unnoticed.

~

I stopped by my house to change. I was very bad at driving, but the roads were almost clear. I changed into skinny jeans and a Pierce the Veil t-shirt. I slipped my black converse back on and walked back to Luke's car. I drove to one of the bridges, parking near it. I walked along the edge, enjoying the damp air.

I stopped, looking down at my uncovered wrists. The scars were faded. It looked like I had been clean for awhile, when I relapsed last night. I grabbed the bar that separated me from falling off. I shivered, letting out a shaky breath. It was cold. That kind of cold where you can see your breath.

I'm a lost cause.

I'm worthless.

I'm ugly.

I'm nothing.

I slid under the bar, standing on the edge, ready to jump.

~