You don't have to read this if you haven't read/weren't reading "Don't Love Me."
So many of you asked why I suddenly took down Don't Love Me. Well, life happens very suddenly, and the reasons for taken down DLM kept building and building until everything just snapped and I had to delete it.
First, it occurred to me that the Wattpad audience is not really the mainstream audience. There are many readers who don't have much idea of what abuse can really do to you. It ruins you. A lot of Wattpad stories glorify abuse, and many seem to think that it's normal and not a big deal. Wrong. So fucking wrong. I've seen so many insensitive and misogynistic things that make me wonder if I really should be writing certain things on Wattpad. My works don't glorify any form of abuse for a reason, and that's because ABUSE IS WRONG. No woman or man should be in an abusive relationship, period. So if you're going to read about abuse, torture, and the reality of being a woman, please inform yourself. And if you're going to write about it, do it the right way. We should be EMPOWERING women, not holding them down by their throats.
Besides that, I would really appreciate it if you guys let me know about anyone who steals my work. I dealt with a few, some here and some on other sites. I've even had people email me, asking to use my work to promote their sites. Sorry, but that's not possible. It takes a lot of effort to write and I'm still emotionally exhausted after writing DLM. Every single word that I wrote came from my heart.
Also, I need to edit the story. I feel like many missed the mark with Iyla. What she'd gone through with Maddox messed her up. She IS the psychotic queen, but she wasn't always that way. She is vengeful because she'd been abused, murdered, and had her motherhood ripped away from her. I think it was a bad idea to write DLM as a werewolf story, but since I already wrote it, whatever. I don't know when I'll post anything yet, but I'll announce it when I do.
Lastly, my fiancé needs me right now. A lot of things happened and I never told you guys how personal Don't Love Me is to me. Particularly Iyla. Besides the murder and the curse, her story is real. My fiance's mother is what inspired Iyla's character, and I just LOVE that woman. She's my best friend.
Anyway, I just need to reflect a little, and having DLM up on Wattpad right now was invading that privacy. I'll keep updating HLMM, but I need to give my life priority and it seems that I need a break from a lot of things.
*****
*Aletha*
He'd made her go to sleep after that.
"Dream," he'd murmured against her. "And don't look back. That's where the nightmares are. Always look in front of you and you will dream."
It didn't take her long to fall slack into his arms as he carried her to bed. She remembered feeling of his body resting beside her for a moment before his scent was gone. Noticing the loss, she tried tearing her eyes open since panic consumed her. The new bond was strong, forcing her to acknowledge every part of him. And without him...she'd felt empty.
But she'd forced herself to return to sleep. Tonight's festivities were over. Rush had planned to feed them the first night so the full moon's magic could satisfy their thirst for the remaining days they would be here.
She didn't know if she was dreaming. All she knew was that she wasn't in her recurring nightmares anymore. She didn't smell the wastes of release, the blood on the walls, the putrid smell of urine. She didn't see chains or blades or a prison cell. No, she saw her home.
It was the Crimson Pack.
She didn't feel so alone like she'd always felt. There was warmth in the air, exuding from the heat of her pack. The Ironlands were warmer than the Darklands, always full of springtime. There was no winter or summer. Just endless springtime with sweetness in the grasslands.
She could see vast fields and the soft winds brushing through the long grass, creating a delicate wave as it swept forward. There were small flickering lights of fire in the distance where small wooden homes streamed the expanse. Gentle trees were in the distance, around the tropics where the rains tasted sweeter than nectar.
She missed her home.
Aletha had always craved to explore it. The hundreds of miles of grasslands and forest. She wanted to drink the water from the streams and search for rubies and diamonds in the caves. She wanted to hunt and push herself to be one with her carnal nature. It was every wolf's purpose, to become one with their purpose.
Aletha found herself walking through the grass. The ends tickled her skin and made her mouth twitch. She walked for hours it seemed like, but she never grew restless. She only felt nostalgia as she looked around, knowing this place, the core of it. She grew up here. She was born here. Although she was of the common folk, the Crimson Pack never discriminated much between the commoners and the nobles.
She began to see shadows emerge behind the trees. Shadows that carried sharp, ominous blades. They were the hunters her mother had always warned her about. They looted valuables and raped females before running off to please their rogue masters.
They darted toward her, and she froze with fear. They were going to kill her, they were going to--
They shot past her as if she didn't exist, and went off in their intended path for their future crimes.
They hadn't seen her. Of course...she was in a dream.
"Aletha!" she heard her mother's shrill scream. "Get back inside, now!"
But Aletha didn't want to go back inside. She still wanted to explore. But her mother thought she would be taken from her. Not just the hunters, but worse, the vampires. They were everywhere in these lands, just waiting for an unfortunate prey.
Aletha was in her old house now. Her small little room with just a bed and a mirror. It was all they could afford for the girls. Her and her sister shared it and for most of their lives, grew up confined in it. Their mother never allowed Ria or Aletha to venture out with their father. The males were responsible for hunting food. So her father and her older brothers went out to hunt while the girls stayed home, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of their newest addition to the family--Aletha's youngest brother, Ian.
He had been a pretty little thing with curly auburn hair and big brown eyes--a common feature for Ironlanders. Yet her mother said he looked the most like Aletha, taking on from their father's side with the straight noses and deep-set eyes. Ria looked more like their mother, with straight crimson hair and hazel eyes. She was taller too, almost as tall as the female warriors--close to six feet tall. That was the only feature Ria inherited from their father's side.
For the most part, their days had been blissful and mindless. But then the vampires started a war with the Ironlands to dominate the lands here. All three Alphas of the Ironlands fought hard in battle, and lost. So the vampires began to demand tributes--unmated virgin females who had began their blood to serve as blood slaves.
Aletha had barely been eleven years old then while Ria had been fifteen. She just watched in horror as the vampires slowly took over the lands. It was a time of terror and darkness in the Ironlands. Their mother was so worried that she locked her daughters beneath the ground in their shelter just to avoid both Ria or Aletha from being taken to slavery in Castira.
No longer were families happy. Depression plagued the lands. Aletha stopped talking, because vampire warriors might hear and grow suspicious. For two whole years, they lived like that, afraid, unable to go outside. Their skins grew pale, losing their glow from sunbathing in the mornings and afternoons.
Despair was what she felt. Hopelessness. Her mind had gone insane just living like that.
"Don't worry, Allie, we'll get through this," Ria always assured her. "We'll survive this and go outside one day."
And that day had come, but it wasn't what they expected. She'd smelled the smoke first, and then Ria began to cough wildly, clinging onto her throat as blood seeped from her nostrils. She was suffocating. Aletha was so scared. She was crying out for help as she dragged her sister out of the shelter. Through the door, she heard her mother's screams. It sounded like something terrible happened, like someone had been killed. And then she knew it--Ian.
Vampire warriors broke through the door and grabbed Ria. One of them slapped her so hard, blood spilled out of her lips. "This one will do just fine for a blood slave."
No. Aletha couldn't let them take Ria! No no no! She looked around desperately, and before the other vampires could grab her, she ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. She'd seen her brother Icarus train with the warriors, and when no one was watching, he'd even shown Aletha how to swing a sword. So without another thought, she slammed the blade on the vampire warrior's neck, almost beheading him. But the others had noticed, and they would have pounced on her had her mother not come in to save her. She yanked Aletha away while the vampires attacked her to the ground. "Run!" she screamed at her. "Run and give honor to our blood, child!"
And she had ran. She'd left her mother and brother and Ria. She left little Ian on the burning ground as he turned to ashes. She left her older brothers and her father to be slaughtered as the fire sucked them away. And all she could do was run. The fire scorched her back as her legs pounded hard on the blazing ground. She cried out from the blisters forming on her feet, but she could not stop. Give honor, she kept repeating in her head. But was she really honorable to leave her family dying in the fire as she scrambled for her life to save herself?
It was that same fire that haunted her every night. The same fire that served as her retribution for abandoning her family when the rogues pressed her against the fire and ruined her skin. And she'd deserved every last slice of that blade and that fire. She should have died instead of saving herself. She should have burned away and turned to ashes and dust.
She'd been turned into nothing now. No part of her was honorable any longer. A whore, they kept telling her, repeating it in her ears. You are only a whore. A filthy, dirty whore and nothing else.
When Aletha woke up next, she was still in the Night Castle, but her mind was playing over the past that burned into her soul. She slowly got up, feeling helpless and frail. What could she do to make this weakness go away? How could she be stronger?
All she could feel was that same unhappy feeling, that same feeling of being trapped in a cage. She walked into the bathroom, suddenly freezing up as she looked at herself in front of the mirror. Her hand shook as she reached the front of her dress. Slowly, she unbuttoned it, letting it fall to the ground. Then she turned around and looked at what they did to her back.
Chain marks, whip marks, blade marks, and burn marks. But what made her heart shatter was the constant reminder of what they turned her into. A whore.
In large, terrible letters, the word WHORE was burned across her back. It would never go away. It would always be that brand, that imprint in time, serving to keep her bound to those dark, dark days.
Turning away, she found tears spilling from her eyes. "I'm a whore," she said, finding herself losing to her anguish. How could she ever dare to be happy again? How could Rush look at her without hating what she'd become? "I'm only a whore."
*
Hours passed. For the most part, Aletha had been alone, dismissing anyone that came in the room. She was deep in thought, just thinking about the workings of fate. How it was so depraved and bittersweet. How it was terrifying and disgusting.
She was falling back on that state she'd once been in when her mother kept her beneath their home. The mindlessness that let to her disgust in life, in everything that her kind worshiped. What Moon Goddess? What destiny? What mates? If their lives were so easy to disregard, why did werewolves even exist? Why did the Goddess even make her creations?
Because she wanted them all to suffer.
It was almost sunset when the Death Luna came in. The guards were shouting at her, but she cursed out a series of threats that made them shut up. Then she was strolling toward Aletha, a maid right behind her. "You've been brooding all day, honey. You need some food in you for the initiation ceremony."
"Why, so I can be turned into a vampire more easily?" There was bitterness in her voice. The stark hatred for the vampire queen and those pureblooded vampire warriors returned. Her nightmarish dream had aroused those feelings of hate and disgust, as well as torment. "What if they turn me into a blood slave?"
Aletha knew what the vampire initiation ceremony meant. It was a ceremony to welcome in newly-turned vampires. Rush had to turn her into a vampire, which was why she was particularly on edge when he'd first disclosed to her that his mother was coming. She'd been so scared, so unaccepting of becoming a vampire, that she thought escaping back to Lucien would solve her problems. It didn't. It only made things worse.
And now she knew she couldn't escape it. His mother would be watching. Any little mistake would get her killed. For once, Aletha wanted to live long enough to at least see the vampire queen perish. At least her death would calm her soul.
Iyla took the tray of food from the maid, dismissing her. Then she slowly sat down beside Aletha. "Tell me what's bothering you. I can sense that you have a lot on your mind. You need to tell someone, Aletha. I can help you. I can be your friend."
Aletha sensed that warm aura from her. Although the Death Luna terrified everyone, including Aletha, she was protective and she was deeply caring. Aletha noticed that from the start--she wanted to help. "I still remember when Vicera's men burned down my pack and raped all of the females," Aletha began, staring at her hands. "I was so terrified, I could barely run at all. I can feel the fire and..." Her breathing spiked in distress. "I can hear them killing everyone I knew. I couldn't save them, Luna. I couldn't help them. All the children and the families, I could only watch them die." She felt tears in her eyes again. "I couldn't save them!"
"Oh my sweetheart, come here," Iyla said softly, in her low and gentle voice. She pulled Aletha tightly into her arms, giving her an embrace Aletha could only call motherly. The Death Luna was like a mother, a protector. "This world we live in his cruel. It's fucked-up. It's disgusting, too. Only the strongest survive it, and only the wise can reverse it. But only experience can turn you strong and wise. You've been through a lot, I imagine. What happened to your pack and your family was not right--it was brutal. And it makes me want to go to that wicked bitch queen and burn her myself. Just remember this: never forget. What's been done to you, always hold onto it as a reminder of what you've endured. Your past made you. And from it, you are here."
"Rush believes the past isn't worth dwelling on," Aletha said. "But I don't think so. I think the past matters. Do you think so?"
"Sometimes it's alright to try to forget, but sometimes you'd rather remember things." Iyla pulled away, facing her with her dark, sinister eyes. They were a chilling color, a color darker than onyx. "Sometimes Aletha, you need to be vengeful. Rush doesn't want you to become like me, because he's seen me trying to seek vengeance, and it almost got my mate killed. That's why he doesn't want you doing the same, because you'll make a mistake and you'll regret it. So here's my advice--always remember the things that matter the most and never forget them."
Aletha could feel that same darkness in her heart seeping back into her conscience like poison. But she never knew what it was. She felt how cold it was, how deadly, but now she knew it was the manifestation of her dark memories, of her hatred for the vampire queen wronging her home and destroying something that meant so much to her. The Ironlands had always been innocent, beautiful, and free of corruption until the vampires took over.
But Rush wasn't like his mother. He was also part vampire, but she knew he wasn't a bloodthirsty evil ruler who got pleasure from destroying lives. When she thought of him, the dark feelings went away. All she could think about was feeling his soul against hers, the euphoric feeling of them merging together like they finally had when she claimed him.
"I've once said terrible things to him," Aletha admitted, still watching Iyla. She felt compelled to look into her eyes, all of its lethality and warmth. "I thought he was evil for the things other vampires did. I didn't see that all vampires aren't evil. His mother and her vampires her evil."
Which was exactly why Aletha didn't particularly feel terrified of the idea of turning into one herself. Yes, the thought made her shiver still, because she would turn into another species completely. She would have to readjust to life. She would need to learn the ways of another kind. She would have been more terrified, but the fear didn't really sink all the way in yet. She suspected it was because the vampire queen kept her mind occupied, not the turning. She already expected she would be turned one day or another.
"You're right," Iyla agreed. "Rush will never hurt you. He raised his pack to be strong and noble, just like himself." Now Iyla took her hands in hers. "If Rush turns you tonight, remember that you'll still be a werewolf. You'll just like blood a little more. Oh, and let's not forget the immortality. That's a perk." She grinned. "We'll be best friends forever."
That almost made her smile. "Best friends?"
"Best friends. Besides, if you were mortal, do you know how much it would kill Rush to see you die?"
She didn't even want to imagine it. It made her chest hurt as she shook her head. "You're okay with me and him? Even though he was once your..."
Iyla only smiled wider. "Maddox is my true mate. He is the one I love the most in this world. He is the father of my child, my mate, my husband, and the only male I want to fuck senseless."
Aletha almost choked before she looked at Iyla with startled eyes. And then she started to laugh. Iyla started to laugh too, and soon, they were in fits of giggles.
"Did you mate him yet?" Iyla said against her ear.
Aletha shook her head, but not before the image of him naked flashed into her mind, causing her cheeks to flame.
"So cute," Iyla said, pinching her cheeks. "Maybe when all of this hell is over with his mother, he'll mate you. Maybe even sooner if his mother demands consummation. He wants you, you know."
"He won't want me when he sees what happened to me," Aletha said, suddenly feeling lost and self-conscious. "I'm not like his typical females. I'm...worse. The things that have been done to me..."
"Are things that he won't hold against you," Iyla finished. "He doesn't care about what happened. That's the beauty of him. He understands, because horrifying things have been done to him too. He will never see you as anything less than a worthy female who is his Luna. Because, sweetheart, that's exactly what you are."
Aletha was almost relieved to hear it from her. The validation, the reassurance, it went a long way. She didn't have it for years. Even when she lived in the Shadow Pack, she would never shift when people watched. She didn't see her worth, and even now, she questioned her value.
You're only a whore, the rogue's voice still echoed in her head.
The Death Luna suddenly let something unfurl around them, some sort of ethereal moon magic, and it seeped inside Aletha's blood and made her dark thoughts scatter. She gasped out from the chills she got. This was moon magic.
"I want you to be strong tonight, Aletha," Iyla told her. "Don't let Vicera believe for a second that you're weak, because you sure as hell are not. Remember, this is the woman who hurt you and Rush. She's a wicked bitch. Never forget that."
"I won't," Aletha promised. She would never forget.
Iyla pushed the tray of food toward her. "Good," she chirped with a grin. "Now let's eat."