i'm craving attention and i'm super fucking lonely so here's the pathetic chapter i'm gonna make happen in like, an hour because i'm depressed as fuck. thanks for sticking around this long, and have fun. it'll prolly be a mess. bc i defo am.
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Theo forgot to take his hoodie back. At least, that's what I thought. When I restated my thoughts out loud, Carlos laughed at me. He didn't say anything, just laughed.
"What?" I asked for what felt like the hundredth time. Despite the current events, the counsellors had decided to make a bonfire. Adam had said it might be a bit of a spirit-lifter for us, and I couldn't argue with it. The logic made sense. Perhaps it really would work well. We definitely needed a reason to get a little happiness.
"What?" I demanded, pulling on his arm. This didn't do anything except make him laugh harder, shaking his head. I groaned, rolling my eyes. "You're such a bitch."
"Uh-huh," he agreed easily. I stopped walking, pulling him to a stop when our arms reached their limits. "Let's go meet with the rest of the group, yeah?" He didn't wait for me to answer before trudging along down the trail, knowing full well I would follow.
It was still raining. It was calming and nice, except the fact that I was ruining the only pair of shoes I had in the mud. When I'd first gotten here, they were clean white. I'd managed to keep them clean white until a week ago. Once they started getting a little muddy, I stopped caring and let it all go to hell. Now they were caked in mud with a little bit of white on the tops, the ends of the laces changing colours like the leaves on trees do. This just wasn't anywhere near as pretty or interesting.
"Don't you love the rain?" Carlos asked, looking at me after watching his footing. "It's peaceful and nice."
"Sure," I shrugged.
Carlos frowned and looked intently at me. "Whaddya mean 'sure'?"
I hugged myself, pretending it was someone else hugging me. I had no idea who I wanted a hug from, but I knew it wasn't me or Carlos or anyone at camp. I think I wanted Maddison. We had always struggled to see eye to eye, and to be around each other, and to understand each other, or like each other, but I was pretending like that didn't exist. I loved her even if she didn't love me and even if we'd had a terrible time growing up together. Even when I was little I looked up to her greatly and wanted to be just like her. Now we couldn't be more different and I was pleased with it.
"Dunno," I shrugged again. Carlos nodded and didn't ask me any more questions. He started talking about his family, how he had too many siblings, how his parents thought they should have another even though there was a twenty year gap between the oldest and the youngest and they had to double or triple up in bedrooms because they couldn't afford a bigger house. He talked about how his oldest brother and sister wouldn't talk to him after he came out when he was fourteen because they didn't want to be insinuated with 'people like him.' He talked about how his littlest brother always asked him why he was going to hell.
I didn't know how to respond. I had heard similar stories like his before online. Before choosing to tell my parents, I'd done research. A lot of research. So many people had written about how they were scared and worried, unsure of how their parents would react. I read hundreds of posts and articles written by people who'd come out, for people coming out. In each one - every single one - they'd been okay in the end. Some of their families had initially been angry or in accepting, but eventually decided they didn't mind. Others were immediately proud. A couple had even asked why they were coming out, telling them they'd already known; that they could tell.
It got my hopes up. I thought that by doing the same, I would get similar if not the exact same reactions. I didn't get a reaction at all. I got silence and stares. I got my family telling me calmly that we would discuss it at a later time, but that time never came. They avoided it and pretended it never happened. Mum told some women at Youth Group about it and Dad shamefully told some of his coworkers. They blamed me for the bad looks we got and the way people talked about us. But I hadn't been the one to tell anyone. A couple friends knew, one singular parent that wasn't mine knew. Then suddenly the entire neighbourhood knew. And that was because of Mum. Not me. Yet I was blamed.
I didn't recount this information to Carlos. I didn't try to tell him that I understood or that I was sorry. I looked at him and matched his almost empty gaze.
"That sucks," I said, unsure of what else to say.
He laughed. It actually sounded genuine. "Yeah, sure does. It'll be fine, though. We'll be fine," he said. I couldn't tell if he was convincing himself or me, but I nodded and smiled a little as well.
"Definitely."
Most of the other campers were already at the Pit, waiting eagerly for the dwindling fire to grow. Chloe had managed to start it while a few people tried finding dry wood left over. Charlie smiled upon seeing us and waved us over.
The logs set up around the fire were all soaked, but we sat beside Zaila, Roami and Chrissie. Again we were told by Laura not to talk to each other, but she walked away before enforcing it so we stayed. Cody and Theo joined us after a few minutes of mostly comfortable silence.
"Finally some warmth," Cody sighed happily. She leaned into Roami, who looked like she couldn't be any more down on her luck. "God, I've needed this."
I pulled Theo's arm over my shoulders, forcing him to move closer to me. I held his arm, embracing the attention he was giving me. It felt like everyone and everything disappeared after that. It was just me and Theo, no one else. I watched the fire, feeling him gently mess with my hair.
There were cheers when the fire got big enough to give off actual warmth, some people moving closer and standing or when sitting directly on the mud. I smiled. It felt wrong not to smile right now. Everything felt perfect, and it felt like it would continue to be perfect.
"Thanks," I muttered, my voice blending in with the others of the group. Somehow Theo heard me, responding my lightly squeezing my shoulders. His hand went back to my hair, lightly twisting and pulling on a small chunk. I dropped my head on his shoulder, completely welcoming the affection he was giving me. I loved it. I really needed it.
All he responded with was, "Of course."