after my third game of chess with chaeyoung, i had gotten bored.
i was pleading with her to play another game with me when i heard a familiar voice.
i glanced around and saw yoongi walking through the doors.
i jumped up.
"you're here! i haven't seen you in forever!"
he smiled, sorrow filling his features.
i noticed the bags under his eyes and the faint flush of crinkles etching his forehead.
my joy faltered.
"what's wrong?"
yoongi didn't speak at first.
i had moved away from my table with chaeyoung and to a separate one to talk to yoongi.
he diverted his attention to the ground.
after a minute, he spoke.
"my parents came to visit yesterday. eunbi thought it was going to go well but i knew that couldn't be true. it's my parents, nothing ever goes as planned with them. everything ends up being a blame game. 'you didn't raise her right, you couldn't protect her from him.' it's a mess and i knew that a fight was going to occur."
he bit his lip.
i saw a faint sheen of pent up emotion behind his eyes.
"eunbi has been working so hard with her program. i have seen so many changes in her. she's been handling her personalities well. i didn't want her to relapse. but i couldn't change her mind. she wanted to see them."
he sighed.
i felt stiff, unable to figure out how to comfort the man in front of me.
i reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing gently.
"everything started out okay, eunbi was in a good mood, my parents were laughing and joking around. and then something always happens to ruin that and they get started going back and forth with each other. it affects eunbi. she hasn't dealt with her self-harm addiction yet. she's still easily triggered and it happened again."
i suppose i am similar to eunbi.
i understood her.
no you don't.
or maybe not.
i'm not sure.
either way, it was difficult to hear someone else go through the exact same situation as you.
in another way, it was comforting almost.
i felt less pain when i knew i wasn't the only one suffering.
i wasn't the only one who couldn't stop.
"is she okay?"
yoongi continued.
"she's fine. they have her in suicide watch for now. it just sucks because i feel we are right back to square one after she's worked so hard to come back from her drug overdose. part of me doesn't know if she'll ever be able to face my parents. it's like they need help too."
i stared at him.
"maybe that's it. you haven't healed as a family. you'll never truly become whole until everyone forgives themselves and are stable again. it's a common mistake. they think if they help the mentally ill then the entire family is fixed. it goes beyond that. everyone needs closure, acceptance, and understanding."
yoongi listened intently, nodding along.
"are you and your parents healed?"
a pang could be felt at the pit of my stomach, in my heart.
"no. i haven't seen my parents since they announced i was moving facilities. they don't visit. they just act like i don't exist."
"how are you supposed to get better if you guys aren't working together?"
he sounded genuinely confused.
a tad upset.
"the thing is that i'm not supposed to get better. i'm supposed to be hospitalized for what i've done or what they believe i've done. it's a punishment. they don't want me released but i can't be put behind bars."
a slight wave of nausea overcomes me but i regain my composure.
"that's horrible. i'm sorry."
i shrugged, "don't be. i deserve it."
yoongi immediately interlocked our fingers.
he looked at me with a stoic expression.
"that's not true. no one deserves to be abandoned by their family. people make mistakes, but it isn't okay to isolate them, to pretend they don't exist."
i remained silent.
truth be told, i didn't know how to feel.
i had become numb over the years.
i was never the child my parents focused on.
they were always too concerned over seunghee.
they didn't even care if i came home at night.
i had been tempted many times to just stay out with nari, forget about everything going on at home.
the pain.
but something always drove me back to the long path leading towards the blue house.
"if you knew what i did, i don't think you'd be saying that."
yoongi didn't answer.
the air was somewhat tense.
i wasn't mad at him.
i didn't believe he was mad at me.
it felt all the same.
just conflicting feelings.
it ended up in same result of depression.
"do you feel better?"
i asked after a moment of silence.
yoongi paused.
"i don't think i can answer that right now. i think i need to help myself before i can help eunbi."
i nodded.
it seemed plausible.
"i never realized that before. thank you."
i beamed.
"you're welcome! thank you for being my friend."
he smiled.
i smiled.
everything felt okay.
for now.
things never stay that way.