yo so a friend suggested i put this up for sale on amazon? like, as a real book (digital copy, of course)? thoughts? should i do it? do you think it's good enough to be a book i could sell? lemme know? idk if it's good enough? or if anyone would wanna buy it? lemme know pls? i don't really think it's the kind of book that could be sold but idk. thank
also this chapter sucks absolute dick. it's basically a really shitty filler i thought i could work into something i wanted, but clearly i was wrong. have fun with it lmao
i also haven't proofread it.
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"This is so fucked," Carlos whispered, leaning forward so he could talk to Zaila and I without getting Laura's attention. She hadn't left our group alone, keeping us together for meals and at night, but making us split up during activities.
Zaila nodded, holding her head in her hand while she looked at the food on her plate. She didn't look very pleased with it. No one did, actually. It didn't look or taste any worse than it had on any other given day, but there was something making it seem so unappetizing all of a sudden.
"It'll be fine," she muttered, but she didn't sound sure. "We gotta believe that it'll be alright."
I nodded, along with Carlos, Chrissie and Roami. Cody had gone off to find Jango, who was subbing in for Charlie in his group. Laura didn't want to let her go, but Cody eventually stopped arguing and just left the table. Laura didn't seem pleased with her actions, but the only people she had to talk to were a bunch of angry teenagers who were anything but pleased with her, so she didn't say anything more about it.
"Do you think it'll work out?" Roami asked.
No one answered. There was silence for a minute before Carlos looked around the room. "Where the actual fuck did Emerson go? Did they get picked up?" He sounded less and less concerned as the time went by. Today was day four of the stupid drug problem, and day five of Emerson missing, if I was correct. Time didn't feel real and it was hard to keep proper track.
"No, they probably just ran off. I would have too, taken my shit and ran," Roami said bitterly.
I nodded. It wasn't in agreeance with her, but it made sense if that's what they had actually done. I wouldn't have been very surprised. But we were in the middle of nowhere in mountains no one's ever been to before. Would they have been fortunate enough to hitch a ride with someone into the city? Or would they just walk? I didn't know what to think about the situation with Emerson, but I hoped that whatever they'd done was safe and ended well.
"Alright, that's enough chatter," Laura butted in, leaning over to look at us. Carlos rolled his eyes and groaned, dropping his head on the table dramatically. I hid a smile, watching how Laura narrowed her eyes for a second before straightening up and finishing her food.
I looked up, trying to find Theo. He'd been doing pretty good at keeping optimistic about the whole situation. He'd talked to Adam and Chloe after we returned for dinner the night before, but I hadn't had a chance to talk to him at all. Laura had us on strict lockdown, making us go everywhere as a group and making sure we were all together. I was stupid and childish.
Nothing else had come up about our things, either. We had a couple articles of clothing from them, but even our bedding had been confiscated. We weren't allowed anywhere near the cabin, especially inside, and had been given replacement things like toothbrushes and pillows and the like. Chrissie even had to make a special request for a hairband since she snapped hers.
"Okay, go with your designated groups for today's activities," Laura instructed, standing up. "Zaila, Roami, come with me," she added, not looking at them or waiting for them to join before she went to dump her trash. They both groaned and stood up, following slowly. Roami leaned over as they walked to say something to Zaila, keeping it from wandering ears. I watched them leave the building, going outside with Laura.
"Why can't we be around each other?" I asked, my voice small. I felt angry and I wanted to yell, but I felt so small and useless. "Does it really matter?" I was only asking because I didn't want to be around anyone else. I wanted to be around them because I felt comfortable around them. No one else understood what was happening or what we were dealing with. I didn't want to keep explaining it to every group I was put in.
"Just go to Charlie's with me," Carlos offered.
"Or Chloe's with me," Chrissie added.
"Or you could go with me to Jeremy's," Cody's voice piped up after a morning of silence.
I smiled unwillingly. I hadn't expected them to offer so quickly. I thought back to the day before and shrugged. I didn't know where Theo would be today, wondering if he would be with Adam. None of them were going with Adam's group, so instead I shrugged.
"I'll probably just go with Adam's group," I shrugged.
"Care if I join you?" Carlos asked. I looked up, seeing in his eyes that he didn't want to be alone right now. I shook my head easily, smiling a little more. When we left, the other groups watched us quietly. I kept my head down as we walked, ignoring how quiet it had suddenly gotten and followed Carlos. Chrissie and Cody followed behind us without word.
It was relieving to be outside. It felt like it was going to rain soon, but that was optimal. Usually when it rained we stayed wherever the was cover, waiting it out. Oregon had a great tendency to rain for hours on end, so I figured we might be able to sit somewhere and just hang out. Like we had the day before.
Adam was standing at the end of the little makeshift trail that led to the woods. This particular spot was a large, open area of just grass. It was for more easy hangouts, like frisbee apparently. I had yet to see anyone actually do anything in the area.
"Hey kiddos," Adam greeted with an easy smile. "You two staying with us today?" He asked. He knew what was happening. He had probably also expected me to join them again. I nodded, hugging myself in an attempt to keep myself warm. He nodded as well, sitting on a wet log. It hadn't quite dried out from the night before. He didn't look like he cared.
We stood in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Carlos offered me his jacket at one point, but I declined the offer.
"It's mostly clean," he said, smiling slightly.
"No thanks," I laughed. He rolled his eyes and awkwardly side-hugged me. I laughed harder, holding his arms.
"This is what you get for not taking it," he said, finality in his voice. "This is the best I can offer your stubborn ass."
Then there was another pair of arms from the other side. It was Theo. I laughed again, keeping one hand on Carlos's arms and putting one on Theo's arms.
"What's happening?" He asked casually, like he hadn't just come up and hugged me without a reason.
"Not-"
"Danny's being stubborn and he's cold so this is the best I can do without giving up my jacket, apparently," Carlos interrupted, spilling to Theo easily. I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at him. He just shrugged and kept smiling.
When Theo released me, Carlos did the same. There was a rush of cold air on each side of my body and I felt colder than I'd been before. Theo took off his hoodie in one fluid motion, offering it to me. "The cold doesn't bother me," he said without needing to, holding it out until I took it.
"Oh, so you take it from him?" Carlos asked me, feigning hurt.
"He was more stubborn," I shrugged.
"More stubborn than you? Impossible." He crossed his arms but still cracked a smile.
"Shush," I said in an extremely non-intimidating voice. I slipped on the hoodie from Theo, pulling the neck over my face and smiling. I felt like a child. The jacket was so big on me that when I dropped my arms, the sleeves fell at least four inches past my hands. I couldn't help but smile, my cheeks hurting, and I looked at the ground.
"Are you okay?" Jordan asked, walking up to meet the group. He cocked an eyebrow, looking at Theo with a curious face. He just shot back a bad look. I held my hands to my face, covering my smile. I knew I would get shit from Carlos or anyone else if they saw how much I was loving Theo's jacket.
"Thanks," I said eventually, not listening to Adam as he talked to Amy and Jordan. Theo's whole group was guys, but somehow Amy and a few other people kept joining and half his group was just disappear. Had all the rules just been thrown out the window as soon as the drug bust happened?
"Not a problem," he said cooly.
I stood between Carlos and Theo, listening to Adam. I shoved my hands in the pockets, making the jacket pull up in order for me to reach and pulled my shoulders up to guard my neck. Theo stuffed his hands in his jean pockets and listened to Adam, not regarding the situation at all. He didn't look affected by the cold in the slightest.
"Alrighty, ready to go?" Adam asked as he clapped his hands, signalling that he was done with the conversation. I looked up, surprised by the clap, and saw that the rest of the people had arrived.
I stuck with Theo, Jordan and Carlos. Especially Carlos. There were times when we would drift a little, getting lost in conversations, but it always went back to the four of us.
"Y'know he likes you, right?" Jordan said while we walked. We'd gotten back into the woods, talking about plant life and just being in the woods. It was relaxing and I was actually enjoying myself.
"What?" I asked, looking at him. Theo had been talking to Adam and one of the guys from his cabin. The rest of us stopped while they talked, waiting for Adam to keep releasing the group.
Jordan nodded at Theo. "He likes you, dude."
I had to hide the fact that being addressed like a boy made me feel amazing. It didn't look like Jordan knew I wasn't actually a boy, but he thought I was and it was helping hide the disphoria I was managing to keep contained that day.
"Oh."
I didn't know what he expected me to say. I didn't know what to say in general.
Adam called for us all to follow after that. Jordan matched paces with Theo and the other kid, keeping distracted in front of us. Carlos didn't say anything for a couple minutes. He just walked close enough that our sides bumped occasionally, but otherwise it felt like I was alone.
At one point I looked up, holding my neck as far back as it would go and watched the tree canopy. It was raining a tad bit, drops falling here and there. Around us it sounded like a storm, but under the trees was perfect. Carlos looped his arm with mine and led me, warning "root" or "drop" when something came up.
"You good?" He asked. We were taking a break, just sitting or standing around a little space made for sitting. It was a bunch of rocks that had obviously been made a few years prior by another group of kids. I wondered how long this place had been here. How long they'd been helping Christian kids or kids from Christian families cope with being themselves. I wondered how many kids they'd helped since they'd been a programme, or how many they'd scared. How many had snitched on them at home, or how many churches had figured it out.
"I think so," I said before nodding. Carlos gave me a sympathetic look instead of a doubtful or stupid look. I nodded again, closing my eyes while I did. "Yeah, I'm good."
"Alright."
Theo took this time to step back into the group. "Hey," he greeted. I leaned more towards him. Carlos continued to shoot me looks, smirking like an idiot. I flipped him off the first time, but stopped arguing after that. "What's with you?" Theo asked casually. We'd now gotten a bit of space from the group.
"Nothing?" I asked, laughing nervously. Why was I so nervous?
"Uh-huh," he looked forward, smiling differently when Amy or another from his group looked back. Carlos was surprisingly leaving us alone, though. I was impressed. I honestly didn't think he could go without trying to see what was happening or ask what I thought of Theo. Everyone told me he liked me, but why would anyone like me? I was. . . me. Nothing special. Nothing out of the ordinary. I was just, well, like I said, me.
I pulled the collar over my face again, taking in whatever scent Theo had. Whatever his 'smell' was. It was nice. And it made me feel comfortable.
"Come on, join the group," Adam called, stopping and waving us over. I blushed, dropping the hoodie and walking faster to catch up. Theo didn't have to put as much effort into it as I did, easily striding while I practically jogged.
Instead of pointing out plants that were interesting or edible, or teaching us about nature, or anything that I'd been expecting, Adam got distracted with a couple of campers and completely forgot about the rest of us. I laughed at the irony, but didn't say anything.
"You sure you're doing okay?" Theo asked.
"Yeah," I replied too quickly. He gave me a skeptical look and silently questioned me. "I'm fine."
"You sound anxious. Something bothering you?"
You! I screamed internally. You're making half moves at a game I don't understand! I need answers. I need you to be sure about whatever you're doing.
I shook my head, pulling the sleeves up so my hands were exposed. They slipped back over as soon as I let go, so I grabbed the end of the sleeves and made fists, forcing it to at least let a little bit of my hands show. Theo didn't look this big compared to me, but it fit him perfectly.
"Alright." He stopped pressing me for answers and I was grateful. "Lemme know if you wanna talk about it."