Chapter 66
(Kat's POV)
Miserable is what I was.
It had been one week since the night Zayn had come into my house with Jack. And still, I regretted pushing him away. I wanted to go to him and apologize, beg him to stay, do anything to get him to forgive me. But then I would always tell myself that I was not good enough for someone like him. He deserved girl who wouldn't kick him out of her house on his birthday.
"Here's one of my favorites," I said into the mic of the radio. "Give me Love by Ed Sheeran." I hit the play button to my song when I looked up to see Alex signaling me to look at him from the other side of the glass. I took off my headphones and switched on the mute button, welcoming him in.
He walked inside, a stack of papers in his hand. He raced to me quickly, obviously stressed, automatically making me stressed.
"Kat, I need you to do me a favor," he spoke quickly.
I sighed, "another one? How many favors are you asking me for?"
He ignored my comment and continued, "Sara had a family emergency so she can't host her show, and we had this huge Q and A planned out for her. The audience has been waiting for it for weeks. You have to cover for her, Kat."
I groaned. I was not in the mood to talk to people about their problems when I already had so many of my own. But I didn't even bother saying no, for I knew Alex would find his way into my stubborness and crack me open.
"Fine," I said as an immediate smile showed up on his face. "What's the topic?"
"Breakups, cheating, love, and sex relationships. You ready?" He spoke eagerly, handing me the stack of papers in his hand.
Great, I thought. The last thing I want to do is talk to someone else about their relationship problems. Especially when I'm tangled in my own.
"Not really," I said but he ignored me and gave me a thumbs up before heading out.
"Make me proud!" He shouted cheerily over his shoulder.
I skimmed through the papers he had gave me until the song finished. After it ended, I looked over to the time to realize this was the time I was supposed to be saying goodbye. But with this add-on, I had to continue.
"To all of our regular listeners out there," I started, managing my best radio hosting voice that I could. "I'm sure you all know that I'm supposed to be heading out of here by now, but since there was a bit of a problem at the studio, Sara won't be able to host the Q and A. But don't worry, I'm here with you for the next hour and a half to answer all of your questions about breakups, cheating, sex relationships, and love. I'm taking any calls starting now."
So I waited for about a minute before I finally got a call. I answered it by saying, "tell me the problem, I'm here to help."
There was a sigh from the line, "so my boyfriend is cheating on me but he doesn't know that I know about it. How do you think I should let him know?" A young girl's voice said softly into the phone.
I cleared my throat, "how long has he been cheating on you?"
"Almost two months now," she sighed again.
I felt bad for her, and I realized that she was waiting for my response. Truthfully, I had nothing I could say to her, making me ashamed of myself. But then, I finally came up with something.
"Tell him the next time you see him," I spoke into the line. "Make sure to let him know that if being with you wasn't enough for him, then being without you should make him feel empty. Wait for his response, and dive in from there. If he leaves, you made the right decision. If he stays, listen to what he has to say then decide. It'll land you at the right place."
She took a few breaths then said, "what if he breaks up with me?"
I cringed at the amount of pain in her voice. But I wasn't going to let her feel alone, I wasn't going to let her suffer. "Then he wasn't the one," I told her. "It'll hurt, trust me. But once he's gone, you're going to feel free."
I heard a sniffle from the phone, "really?"
"Really," I replied confidently. But secretly, even I knew that my advice was wrong. After Zayn had left, I never felt free. I never even feel like I've taken a single breath since the second that he's left. I feel trapped inside myself. Not free.
Then she hung up, and the next caller called. The girl from the other line was crying, and told me her problem. She was a one night stand for this guy, but the guy told her that he loved her every night they ended up together. But in the morning, he'd throw her out, claiming that she was nothing more than a one night stand.
My stomach sank after I heard this, nobody deserved that. Nobody deserved to be told a lie about love. I've learned the hard way.
"Listen to me," I told her as she cried. I may not have known who this girl was, but she already meant a lot to me. "Guys are complete assholes. Whenever they do something wrong, they tell you that they love you. Whenever they're afraid you're going to leave, they'll tell you that they love you. Whenever they want you to come back, they tell you that they love you."
I took a deep breath, trying to collect all my thoughts as I let out my feeling. "Love isn't something to be played around with. And guys don't understand that because it's they're only way of making sure that they won't lose you. Trust me, I know. And when you come back, they realize that they won't ever lose you, so they treat you like shit. And man, it hurts. But you have to be stronger than that. Show them they aren't controlling you because they shouldn't. You're not his toy, alright? You're a wonderful girl who can have any guy in the world if you want."
She cried lightly now, managing to say a few words. "Thank you Kat," she said, "thank you more than anything. I needed that. God, thanks so much. I know what to do now."
I smiled, proud of what I had said. "You're welcome."
So I sat there for another hour, answering people and giving them the best advice I could register. Not only was this a bit refreshing, but it also lifted some weight off my shoulders. I was feeling a bit happy until I received a call.
"I've got a problem," a familiar female voice spoke from the other line.
I shut my eyes, immdiately recognizing who it was. "What is it?" I croaked.
She took a deep sigh. "I accidentally made out with my best friend's boyfriend when I was drunk, and she assumed the worst things. Nothing was going on between me and Za- I mean, her boyfriend but I don't think she believed it. Now it's been almost three weeks but she hasn't even answered my texts and I'm worried about her. What do I do?"
I fought back the urge to cry. "Leave her alone because she doesn't really know what she's doing at the moment."
Carlee sighed, "Kat, don't fuck with me. I know you've been really upset, and I'm sorry, okay? But I was drunk and alone, and he was just there. And if you're mad at him, don't be. I was the one who leaned in to kiss him. He was too drunk to object. And if you're mad at me, don't be. Because we've been friends too long for shit like boys to get in our way."
I pursed my lips together, wanting to end the call. But I couldn't do that.
"Come on Kat. You can't be mad at me forever." She asked, her voice cracking a bit.
"Carlee, not now. Call me. Later."
"You're not going to pick up," she replied. And I sighed, because I knew she was right.
So I finally said, "Carlee, I'm fine. I'm not mad. Just needed to be alone, that's all. I'll talk to you on the phone." And with that lie, I reached over and hit the end button. I signaled over to Alex who was watching me instinctively and shook my head. He nodded in understanding and I mute the booth and walked out.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he called over his shoulder. "You were fantastic out there."
I walked out of the store and stepped outside, my mind spinning. I reached into my pocket with shaky hands and pulled out a packet of Black Cigarettes. They used to be Zayn's, but I now kept them and smoked them. Because they could've been used to damage Zayn's lungs, but now they were used for mine. And if something that was killing Zayn had the chance to kill me, I would be more than honored.
I lit up the cigarette and brought it up to my lips, leaning back on the wall of bricks. I shut my eyes and smoked it, feeling the tobacco on my tongue. Every time I picked up and smoked a cigarette, it reminded me of Zayn. Which caused me greater pain.
Which brought my heart, all the more pleasure.
***
(Zayn's POV)
Her voice was so beautiful.
I sighed, resting my head back on my car seat as I shut my eyes to the sound of Kat's voice talking into the radio. At first, when I switched to her channel, it hurt. But after I realized that this was the only time I could hear her without her crying, I used it to my advantage.
"Guys are assholes," she spoke fiercely. I smiled. She could've called me whatever the hell she wanted, and I would've enjoyed it. If it came out of her lips, it was automatically the most important thing that I've ever heard.
I had been parked in front of my flat for a long time, but I didn't want to go in. First of all, it was so lonely without Kat. I felt as if the walls stared at me. It was strange. Second of all, after I had heard her voice from the radio, I never wanted to leave.
My thoughts were disturbed when I heard a familiar voice say, "I've got a problem."
It took me a while to figure out who was on the line, but when I heard Kat say in a soft tone, "what is it?" I had a feeling she had recognized.
I shut my eyes, trying to focus on the voice. "I accidentally made out with my best friend's boyfriend when I was drunk, and she assumed the worst things." That's when I recognized Carlee's voice. My eyes flung open as she continued. "Nothing was going on between me and Za- I mean, her boyfriend but I don't think she believed it. Now it's been almost three weeks but she hasn't even answered my texts and I'm worried about her. What do I do?"
"Leave her alone because she doesn't really know what she's doing at the moment." The crack in her voice made my heart break. She was very pained by this. I wasn't going to let her cry.
I started my car, turning to volume up as the conversation continued. "Kat, don't fuck with me." The sharp edge in her tone made me angry, but I knew that it was Carlee. And she knew Kat like I knew her. Maybe even better. "I know you've been really upset, and I'm sorry, okay? But I was drunk and alone, and he was just there. And if you're mad at him, don't be."
I almost hit the breaks on the car after hearing this. All Carlee knew about was the part where I kissed her, but I had a feeling Kat was upset with me because of what happened when we came back home. It was all my fault.
She continued, "I was the one who leaned in to kiss him. He was too drunk to object. And if you're mad at me, don't be. Because we've been friends too long for shit like boys to get in our way."
I was desperate for Kat to speak, and I found my heart racing as my car sped to the radio station.
"Come on Kat," Carlee spoke desperately, "you can't be mad at me forever."
"Carlee. Not now. Call me. Later," Kat finally spoke. Her voice was shaking, and I was sure that she was crying now. Dammit. I wanted to hold her and make her all better.
I wanted to fix her.
"You're not going to pick up," Carlee desperately spoke.
I turned the corner and stopped in front of the radio station. I parked to the side, so if Kat came out, she wouldn't be able to see me. I sat there, staring at the door.
"Carlee, I'm fine. I'm not mad. Just needed to be alone, that's all. I'll talk to you on the phone." Kat basically whispered, her voice tearing my heart.
I took a deep breath and counted to twenty. By the time I reached nineteen, Kat was standing outside the door, leaning against the wall. I watched as she wiped tears away with the back of her hand. She then reached into her pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. And not just any pack of cigarettes.
My pack.
She slowly lit it up, her hands shaking. I studied her, I saw her lean against the wall, shutting her eyes.
That's when I couldn't sit in the car any longer, I needed to hold her. I got out of the car, not caring if I locked it or not as I started to walk towards her.
Once I stood directly in front of her, I took a deep breath. "Mind if I smoke one?"
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