Chapter 65
(Zayn's POV)
"This isn't the bar," I said to Jack as he pulled up in front of Kat's flat.
He turned to me and smiled, "I'm very aware of that."
"Jack," I ordered, "I can't see her today. Not after everything that happened."
He shut off the car and unlocked the doors, "I don't give a shit. You guys either fix this now, or I'm going to start making my move on her."
That was enough to take me out of the car. I heard him laughing as he locked the car behind him. I followed him as we walked to the door of her flat. Jack knocked.
"Who is it?" I heard Kat's voice say from the other side of the door. I sucked in a breath.
"It's Jack."
She opened the door slowly and my heart started to race. Before Jack, her eyes landed on me. I didn't bother to smile at her, I just examined her. She had gotten so much weaker and skinnier. I was afraid that if I touched her, she'd break. Tears were already forming in her red and swollen eyes, and I realized they were just as swollen as mine. The only thing that made my heart flutter was the fact that she had our promise ring still on her finger.
She turned to face Jack, "please. Take him away please."
Jack didn't listen to her. Instead, he barged into her flat, dragging me with him. I stumbled inside and noticed the place was a mess, which was very unlike her.
"Guys, fix this. You guys can't even take a breath without each other. Just go on. It's not that hard." Jack said, shoving me towards Kat.
I stared at her, but she avoided eye contact with me. "Jack please, I can't talk today. Please," she cried
I turned to look at Jack, not being able to look into her eyes any longer. "Jack, let's go."
He rolled his eyes, "no. And Kat, give the guy a break huh? It's his birthday for God's sake. He's been crying on his couch all day."
My entire body filled with rage, but I was too saddened to do anything. I turned back around to face Kat, who I realized was looking at me, but looked away quickly hoping I wouldn't notice. I shut my eyes and breathed hard, controlling myself from an outburst of different emotions. Which never ended well.
"Whatever you guys have going on, fix it. Nobody is leaving until you guys are happy." I heard Jack say.
Easier said than done.
I took a deep breath. If Kat wasn't going to start, I might as well. What have I got to lose? "Kat," I spoke, opening my eyes. "I'm sorry, I love you so much. It was a mistake, everything that happened that day. I love you."
She looked down at the floor, tears falling from her eyes that I was cringing to wipe away. "Can you please leave?"
I flinched but Jack answered from behind me. "Nope!"
"I'm so sorry," I said again.
Now she looked up at me. "It's too late Zayn. The damage has already been done."
I took a step closet to her, but instead she pulled away. "Listen to me baby, I was drunk. It was a mistake. There is nothing I meant that I said that day."
She laughed coldly, but I could tell that she was holding back more tears. "Zayn, I can't handle this right now. Please leave."
"Kat please, just give me a second chan-"
"No!" She yelled impatiently. "Why can't you understand that you were my second chance, Zayn. You were my second chance at love. But now I can't feel anything anymore, because of you! I don't even know how to feel!"
I took a step closer to her, wanting so badly to hold her in my arms. Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes and she noticed, looking away. She still couldn't handle the pain of seeing me in pain. She still loved me.
"Darling, sweetheart, please listen to me. I was drunk. I still love you so much." I begged. Maybe I looked pathetic to Jack, but for Kat, I would've dropped down on my knees and literally begged. She was worth everything.
"And I love you too!" She cried, "but that's the fucking problem. I don't want to love you. I hate loving you. I wish I never loved you, Zayn. You're a drug that took over my life, and now I can barely breathe without taking you. But that's the thing, I hate breathing." She brought her hands to rest on the table behind her, looking as if she were about to fall. "I hate being able to breathe, Zayn. Because no matter what, you're intoxicating me. It's killing me Zayn. You're killing me."
Her words stabbed my heart, making me shatter into a billion pieces. I wanted to hold her, right then and right there, but I was paralyzed. I wanted to tell her to forgive me, but my mouth was glued shut. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was, but unfortunately, I was stuck.
"Kat, let him talk." Jack said from behind me, making me suddenly aware of his presence.
Kat brought her hand up to rub her face frustratedly, as she tried to control her heavy sobs. "Go ahead Zayn," she cried. "Talk to me. Tell me that you love me. Tell me that everything's going to be fine. Tell me I'm beautiful. Tell me that, no matter what, you aren't leaving my side. Lie to me Zayn, go ahead."
I took deep breaths, trying to control my anger. My hands curled into a fist as my heart rate quickened. You stupid, fucking idiot Zayn. You had one chance at loving her, and you blew it. You hurt her worse than anyone ever has. You broke her.
I wasn't mad at Jack for bringing me here. I wasn't mad at Kat's dad for making our relationship hard in the first place. I wasn't mad at Carlee for kissing me. I wasn't mad at Drew for beating me. And I wasn't mad at Kat for being afraid to love me again.
I was mad at myself.
While my hand uncontrollably hit the lamp on her table, casing it to fall and break, I realized that I didn't know how to control it. Jack was astonished at my actions but Kat just stared at me, her expression remaining neutral. She had seen this many times before.
"Zayn. Before anything happens, get out of my house." She states coolly, shattering me once again.
I don't know what happens, but I immediately reply harshly, "why Kat!? Why can't you just fucking forgive me!? It was a stupid mistake, okay? I was fucking drunk!" I wanted to hit myself after I said that, because I knew that it wasn't me talking.
It was the beast inside of me. The beast that was coming unleashed. The beast that had caused all of this in the first place.
But Kat knew me too well to give up there. She stood tall, wiping the tears from her face. "Forgive you?! You want me to forgive you? Goddammit Zayn, you just don't understand, do you?!"
I bit my lip, keeping me from saying anything else. But it doesn't work once I find myself saying, "get over it Kat! It's not that big of a deal!"
Kat's eyes widen as she nods her head, "I see. Not a big deal, huh? Then tell me what you think about this."
She storms over to me, and for a second, I think she's about to slap me. But when she walks past me, I turn around to see her walking towards a confused Jack. Without any warning, Kat grabs a fistful of Jack's shirt and pressed her mouth to his, kissing him forcefully.
A pang of anger, disappointment, guilt, and realization hits me. I want to run to them and pry them apart, but as she wraps her arm around his neck, I can't find myself to move. My nostrils fluster, blood rushing to my face and I want to beat the living shit out of Jack even though none of this was his fault. My knees weaken as I grab on to the wall, trying my hardest not to fall. I want so badly to feel her lips against mine, but I have a realization that I might never get to kiss her ever again.
"Stop, Kat, please," I meant to choke out, but nothing escapes my mouth. I was helpless.
She abruptly pulls away from him, not meeting his gaze for even a second before she turns around to face me. Tears are in her swollen eyes as she points an accusing finger towards me. "I hope that hurt like Hell, Zayn. Because it sure did to me."
I shut my eyes and try to take deep breaths, but it doesn't work. I hear her crying, ripping my soul into shreds.
"Happy birthday Zayn," she says quietly. "Now get the hell out of my house."
***
I'm stumbling into the car like a drunk man, even though I'd only just walked out of Kat's apartment. I fall into the car, taking heavy breaths as I hear Jack sitting down in his seat.
"Sorry man, I didn't know sh-"
"Shut the fuck up," I interrupt him. "Take me to The Heart."
"What?" Jack asks.
"I said to take me to The Heart." I repeat, my mind racing.
"Look, Zayn," Jack starts. "I'm not going to know what you're talking about until you explain it to me."
I open my mouth to say something but I realize it's no use. Instead I bury my face into my hands and let the tears fall. I cry into my hands and Jack doesn't say anything, probably thinking I'm a huge pussy. What can I say? I loved the girl.
Correction. I love the girl.
"Zayn," Jack says quietly. "It's okay, she'll be okay by tomorrow. It's fine."
I shake my head into my hands, "I messed up. I messed up so bad."
"Zayn, you were drunk. It was a mistake. Don't blame yourself."
I take deep breaths and quickly recollect myself. I rub my face with my hand and stare straight ahead to the road as if I've never felt anything. I'm feeling to numb at the moment.
"Take me to The Heart," I say to him. "Follow the gravel path."
He looks at me confusedly, probably wondering what kind of delusional physcopath he has in his car. But without a word, he obeyed, realizing that it's probably best to listen to me for the time being.
***
"Are you sure this is the right place?" Jack asks as we pull up at The Heart.
"Yeah, this is it," I say, unbuckling my seatbelt.
He furrows his eyebrows, "there's nothing here."
"Yes there is," I reply.
He leans forward in his seat and squints into the darkness of the tall trees and the gravel road. "Nope. Not a thing."
I open the door which causes Jack to immediately look over at me. "Where are you going Zayn? It's almost midnight and you're going out in the middle of nowhere."
"Sorry mom," I say sarcastiaclly as I take a step out of the car. He sighs as I shut the door, but soon follows me outside. He sighs all the way to when we reach The Heart. Once he gets there, he gasps.
It may have been the only part in this forest that was lit up by the moon. The heart of it all. And since the soul of all the lifeless trees in this aboneded forest lied here along with the gaze of the moon, maybe, just maybe, I'd be lucky enough to find my own heart laying around here somewhere.
Somewhere where I had lost it.
"Zayn, what the hell?" Jack asked, clearly still astonished by the view.
I walk to the center of the grass and sit down on it, feeling the softness against my skin. I sigh in relief, and look up at the moon. What if she was looking at the moon too? What if she was thinking of me?
Jack walked over and sat down across from me, far enough so he had space to lay on the grass. He shuts his eyes, but I ignore him, thinking of all the times I came here with Kat. All the times she had laughed with me, smiled with me, cried with me, laid with me. All the times that I missed.
I shut my eyes and took deep breaths. I instantly started to crave her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to tell her that she was the most beautiful person to have ever walked on this planet. I wanted to tell her that I loved her more than to the moon and back, I loved her to infinity and beyond. I smiled at the thought of her laughing at my Toy Story reference. I wanted to make her laugh, I thought. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me, because frankly, I never got to hear it enough.
"She smelt like smoke," Jack spoke, interrupting my thoughts. I cringed but Jack continued, "she's been smoking. Again."
I noticed that too, but I didn't want to bring it up. Because there was only one person who she was smoking for.
"Black cigarette," I informed him. "My favorite. She has them, stacked up in the first drawer of her dresser. Every time she found one in my pockets or in my car, she'd take them and remind me how bad smoking was for me."
Smoking is injurious to health, she'd say as if she'd recited it over and over, it can lead to a slow and painful death.
I listened. Every time. And by the second time she had told me this, I had believed her. But I continued to buy multipes of packets of cigarettes, making sure to put them where she could see them. Just so I could hear her say, "how many times do I have to tell you this Zayn? Smoking is not good for you. You can lose your lungs to this packet of cigarettes. And if you lose your lungs, who's going to tell me that they love me?"
No matter what, I'd turn to her and smile. "Always. I'll always tell you that I love you. Even if my lungs are painfully removed from my body."
She would laugh, every time. A sound that reached dark places in my heart that nobody ever could reach. She, overall, took over my heart. She took control of me. I was all hers. And never did I ever mind that.
"Well I guess she should listen to her own advice," Jack said.
I sighed and nodded.
"And you're right. She has lost a lot of weight." He continued, "I don't know why. I try to take her for lunch every time I see her."
Instantly, the thought of her puking in the toilet flashed in my mind. I flinched, dismissing the thought as quickly as I could, but not quick enough. I felt nauseous, and I wanted to slam my head into a wall. All because of me.
You're killing me, Zayn. Her familiar voice shoved inside my brain. Those four words were enough to send me flying off the edge. As soon as those words had left her mouth, I regretted coming into her life plain out. If I hadn't come, maybe she'd be happier. Maybe she'd be holding hands with Jack, laughing. Maybe she'd be smiling.
Jack sat up, examining me. "You know what mate, let's go have a drink."
I chuckled, "yeah. Last time you said that, I ended up at my girlfriend's house with a knife through my heart."
Saying "my girlfriend" made me seem like a liar. And I never lied. The truth was, she probably wasn't my girlfriend anymore. She was probably my ex. But I wouldn't have the willpower to say those words even if my life depended on it.
"I'm serious," Jack said, standing up on the grass and brushing the grass off him. He extended his hand out towards me, as a peace offering. It was the least he could do after forcing me to make up with Kat.
I don't know why, but I take his hand as he pulls me up. Immediately, I let go of his hand after the help and begin to dust myself off. I stand tall, recovering quick and I say, "what have I got to lose?"
----------
Update coming soon. Vote, comment, and share to make me smile. I love you all.
Follow me on Twitter! @mindofballoons