Chapter 64
(Kat's POV)
Hot and angry tears stung my eyes as I shoved my apartment door open. I walked inside, slamming the door shut behind me. I threw the cigarette that was in my hand in the ashtray on my coffee table. I smelt like smoke as I walked over to the fridge, sobbing as I opened it. I took out a bottle of beer and popped open the cap with ease. I chugged the beer down, not caring if it hurt to drink this much, this quickly.
My mind raced around the incident that had just happened. Zayn cried because of me, and it hurt so badly. What did I deserve after that? Nothing, I deserved nothing. I wanted to hold him and tell him that I was there and everything will be fine, but I couldn't even pull myself together. How could I do that to him?
I felt so weak after I heard his sobs. These past couple of days have sucked the life out of me, but when I heard him cry, I felt dead. I feel like I'm just a breathing body walking around empty, numb.
After I finished with the empty beer bottle, I dropped it on the floor, watching it shatter. If only it was that easy to destroy myself. I didn't bother walking around the bottle as I made my way to the restroom. Once I walked inside, I looked to my right to see a pack of band aids and a pack of new razors set out, waiting for me. Tears fell down my cheeks as I picked up a new razor. My knees became weak as I fell on the floor, sobbing. I pulled up my sleeves to reveal bruised and cut arms, red from my previous markings.
You pathetic little bitch. You made him cry. He still loves you. He's trying to apologize. Listen to him. Actually don't, you don't deserve someone as amazing as him. You deserve to hurt yourself because if he actually cared, he'd be right here with you.
One slice.
All he wanted from you was sex. Don't you understand you little slut? You're nothing special.
Another slice.
He sung to you and what did you do? You shut him out.
Number three.
You don't deserve to live, but you also don't deserve to just die. Kill yourself slowly. Feel the pain.
Here we go again.
Just like this, I ended up with twelve new scars on my arms. Everyday, I come in here and cried, reminding myself why I am not worthy of anything.
I should've just had sex with him, I should've. If I did, then maybe we would've still been together. It's not that I didn't want to have sex with him, of course I did. If with anyone, I wanted it to be with him. He took care of me so well that I never worried that he would ever hurt me, but when he did, something in me snapped.
I couldn't get hurt again. Not by him. Not by anyone. There was only one person that could hurt me now, and that was myself.
I was alone at home, so I didn't bother rolling down my bloody sleeves. I got up off the floor and walked outside the bathroom, tears automatically falling from my eyes. Something about seeing my arms told me that I was still alive, even though I barely was. I promised my body a slow and painful death, I couldn't just get off easy.
Starving myself. Cutting myself. Making myself suffer. These were all ways to let me know that I was dying. I knew death wasn't going to solve anything, but at least I could escape. This was the second time this happened to me, but this time, I was all alone.
I needed help, but I was trapped inside myself.
***
(Zayn's POV)
"Mate, it's okay. You're fine." Louis whispered from next to me, "Go home, get some rest. I'll let Caroline know what happened an-"
"No," I immediately spat, my voice coming out rougher than I intended it to. "You can't tell Caroline about Kat, okay? Don't."
He stared at me confusedly, but nodded. "Fine, but you can't stay at work like this, you have to go home. I'll come up with an excuse, but you have to go."
I sighed, knowing he was right. There was no way I could've been able to sing correctly after crying this hard.
I walked out of the store, glancing over to realize that Kat's car was gone. A quiet sob escaped my parted lips as I took a seat in my car.
Happy Birthday to me.
Yeah, it was my birthday. I was turning 21. But I hadn't told anyone. Kat probably forgot it was my birthday, and I wouldn't blame her. She probably didn't care anyways. All I was thinking about was her birthday was next month. February nineteenth. I wondered if we would be back together by then, because I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't spend her birthday with her.
I backed out of the driveway, realizing soon that my eyes were sore from crying so hard. Man, I was a wimp. Never would I ever have thought that I would be crying over a girl in front of that many people. But there I was, crying.
I slammed my hands on the wheel, thinking of all the reasons I had cried. One, she looked so weak and fragile. I realized that she had lost a lot of weight, and I was scared that it was because of me. Second, I had made her cry. Last month, if I had sung to her, she would've smiled. But now, I had made her cry. How could I live with myself after that? Third, she touched me. After so many days of being alone and missing her touch, she had placed her hand on my face. She felt me, and when she left, I missed it. Last but not least, I was afraid that we were never going to be back to normal. What if she never wanted to see me? What was happening to her? I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't.
I wiped away some falling tears, thinking about her. Maybe I should go back and apologize. Maybe I should tell her I love her. Maybe I should kiss her and reassure her that everything was going to be alright. But even now I couldn't believe myself.
"Dammit!" I yelled at myself, hitting the wheel with my hand. I was a horrible person. Kat was already so fragile and hurt, but I'm afraid that after what I did to her, I broke her.
I loved her, so much. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to love her. I wanted her.
The day of our fight, I had told her many things. I told her she was a waste of my time, and I wanted to kill myself for saying that. Never, in a million years, would she ever be a waste of my time. I loved her so much. She was the first girl I had ever loved, and she would be my last. I can't believe that those words had come out of my mouth. If anything, I was a waste of her time.
I had also told her that I was tired of a relationship that was going nowhere. Meaning, I wanted to have sex with her. Or at least something like that. Our relationship was going somewhere and I was not tired of it. Sure, there was not a lot of sexual activity in it, but I didn't give a fuck. She was mine and I was hers, that's all that mattered. And no, I didn't want to have sex with her, I wanted to make love to her. There was a huge difference. And I've had sex a couple times before, but never to anyone I've ever loved. So I've never made love before. More than anything, I wanted to make love to her. I wanted to show her that a boy could love her for love. Not sex. But after that night, I doubt she would believe me.
I sighed, pulling up in front of my flat. I glanced down at my divider to see a packet of cigarettes. I sighed and took the packet in my hands, throwing out of the car. I had quit smoking for Kat, and I wasn't going to start it again. She meant more to me than a stupid cigarette, and even if she couldn't see me, I wanted to show her that I would do anything for her.
I finally got out of my car, dragging myself to my door. Once I reached my door, I saw a huge cardboard box in front of it. Wondering who it may be from, I picked it up and walked inside my flat to open it. After setting it down on the coffee table and sitting on the couch, I ripped the tape open. Once I opened the box, I noticed a white card over all the items. I reached in and picked it up. It read;
Happy Birthday Zayn. Here are all of your things that you let me have, I'm just returning them to you. Your keys are under the mat outside, I didn't want someone to take the box. Don't bother returning anything of mine, if I don't ask for it, I probably don't need it.
Thanks, Kat.
I shut my eyes after reading the letter. She remembered my birthday. She still thought about me. She had written this with her own hands, dropped it off herself, and maybe, if I'm lucky, some of the things in this box still have her scent.
I looked inside the box and pulled out a pile of the T-shirts I had let her have. They didn't have her scent, maybe she had washed them. I sighed, setting down the pile.
I looked back in the box to find the movies we had watched together, all there. I bit my lip, feeling and unbearable amount of pain as I thought of the times we spent together, just laying down and watching films. I don't care if I had to watch a Disney Princess film with her, as long as she was back in my arms.
I put down the films and searched the box to find the picture of me when I was in high school. The one where I was standing there with my three sisters. I let her have this picture over text, but she had printed it out and kept it in her room. Well. Until now.
I expected to find the picture of me at her Dad's wedding, but I didn't. Maybe she forgot or maybe she purposely kept it. Whatever it was, it lifted my hopes up.
Below that I found every one of the drawings I had ever given her. My stomach sank when I saw them, and immediately, I realized that I had messed up bigger than I had thought.
She had given back everything of mine that I had ever gave her. And to say the least, it made me sad. I dug my face into my hands, thinking of possible ways I could fix this, but found none.
But even if she gave me back all this stuff, she still had the promise ring. There was no way she didn't at least think about putting it in the box, and to see that it wasn't in there, it made me happy. After so long, I felt a hint of happiness.
Just then, there was a knock on the door. I stared at it, my heart racing. What if it was Kat? Without second guessing, I got up and ran towards the door. I flew it open without checking and grew disappointed when I saw who it was.
"You little fucker," Jack spoke coldly at me.
I shut my eyes, trying to control my heart rate. I was really hoping for it to be Kat. I missed her so much.
"You hurt her so badly," Jack said, walking into my flat without permission. I didn't bother to object though, because he was right.
"Is she okay?" I asked him.
He spun around to face me, his stare becoming hard. "No she isn't. You're the only thing she ever thinks about."
I reached up and rubbed my eyes. They were probably so swollen from crying and I for sure had dark bags under my eyes. I walked over and sat on the couch, burying my face in my hands. She thought about me.
"Have you been crying?" Jack asked, surprised.
I didn't bother to respond, and he didn't need an answer to confirm his thoughts. He came to the couch and sat down beside me. It was silent after that, the only thing on my mind was Kat.
"I came here to beat you up," Jack started. "You know, because of what you did to her. But you seem like you already beat yourself up over it."
"Yup," I spoke in my hands.
He sighed, "sorry mate. Didn't realize you loved her this much."
I took my face out of my hands and stared at him. "I love her so much. I love her more than anything."
He sighed again, "so do I."
"What?" I sat up straight, ready to prove to him that the love I had for her was far more than the friendship that they had.
He shook his head, "I've loved her for the past five years man. You don't know how hard it is for me to see her with other guys. And especially get hurt by them. No offense, but I kind of want to beat the living shit out of you."
"Five years?" I asked, still stuck on that part.
"Yeah, and I even told her that I loved her last week." He admitted, making my stomach churn.
"What did she say?" I asked, my voice shaking. What if I had lost her?
"Well," he shrugged, "she said she loved me back and she's been waiting for the past five years to tell me that also."
My eyes widened. Did she lie to me? Had she ever even really loved me?
He chuckled a bit, "relax mate, I'm just kidding."
I stared at him in disbelief until he finally continued, "after she told me what happened, I told her that I was going to beat you up. But she made me promise that I wouldn't because she still loved you. When she was crying, I kissed her. She started crying in the middle of the kiss and I thought maybe it was because I was a bad kisser, but she said that she missed you."
I smiled. She still loved me. But other than that, part of me wanted to hit Jack for kissing my Kat, but I didn't. Because she didn't have any feelings toward him. And plus, I know how hard it is to wait for a kiss from Kat.
"So she kissed me again," he continued, making my heart sink. "But it was forced. She felt bad for me, that's why she kissed me. She only really loves you, Zayn. And even though I really hate to say it, you made her happier than I had ever seen her."
Even though I felt and indescribable amount of happiness from what he said, I also felt the same amount of pain. "I also made her sadder than ever."
He nodded, "that you did. And I want to hurt you so bad because of it."
"Go ahead," I said. "I deserve it."
"What?" He laughed it off.
"I'm serious. I deserve to be beat up."
He stared at me, quite shocked at what he was hearing. "You okay Zayn?"
I nodded, "is she okay? Has she been eating? I noticed how much weight she's lost."
Jack furrowed his eyebrows, "now that you think about it, she has lost some weight. I'll check on her later, don't worry."
I took a breath of relief, then sunk back into the couch. Man, what a mess I had created. I watched as Jack reached forward and grabbed the white card off the table. I noticed him reading it over and over again before he asked, "when did she send this?"
"Today."
"It's your birthday?" He asked me, unsure.
I nodded, "yeah, but I don't really care."
"How old are you turning?" He asked, despite the fact that I didn't really care about the subject.
"Twenty-one," I replied.
"And you're spending it alone on the couch?"
I looked down at the floor and nodded. "If you haven't noticed, I'm not really in the mood to celebrate."
I looked up when he stood up off the couch. He looked down at me, setting the card back. "I don't care weather you're in the mood or not, a birthday is a birthday." He smiled at me, "let's go have some drinks."
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To all my readers who read this chapter and feel for it, I want you to know that you're all so very beautiful. Self harm and starvation is not anything to be proud about, and I'm not writing about it because I am promoting it, I'm writing it so that I could tell you all that you all mean the world to me, and if I could maybe just help one person from not picking up the razor tonight, I'm so happy that I wrote this.
Kat is going through a lot, and so is Zayn. What do you think is going to happen next? Are they going to make up or break up??
Update coming soon. Vote, comment, and share to make me smile. I love you all.