"Okay, now lift your hands up." Megan from the bridal shop said as she stuck pins in the side of the material that was wrapped around my body as I stood on a raised platform.
"So.." Jesse said as she flicked through a bridal magazine.
"Soooo?" I smiled back with a raised eyebrow.
"Today's the big day."
"Don't remind me," I grimaced, "Results day. Just when I was enjoying myself."
"Oh don't be silly. You're going to be fine." She smiled as she jumped up from her seat and came and stood next to me. "What do you think of the dress?"
A glanced at myself in the huge mirror opposite me. Jesse had designed the bridesmaids dresses to go with her wedding theme 'a winters wonderland' and it was to die for.
It was a strapless, ballerina style style dress corset that made your boobs look amazing and a tutu type skirt. The material was bone white with a hint of blue to match her decorations on the day. The coolest thing about the dress was that it looked like your skin was covered in diamonds, because at the top there was material that Jesse got matched to your skin colour, and tiny diamonds had been attached to it, just like ice skaters have. It was truly breathtaking, I was kind of loving Jesse because I got to keep the dress after.
"You're like a fairy godmother." I grinned as the tailor stepped back and I gave her a twirl.
She gave a little squeal like a four year old that had just been given a pony and clapped her hands together, "It's perfect! Logan's going to melt when he see's you in this dress!"
I rolled my eyes at her, "Your brother and I are just friends. Sorry Cupid, but your going to have to shoot your bow at someone else."
"All in good time, my friend. I'm not giving up that easily." She winked.
I gave her another eye roll and stepped down from the platform. I was now back in New York, which was a sigh of relief to get my dad of my back. He'd officially gone crazy and turn't into psycho dad so some independence felt like a breath of fresh air.
Today was also the day I got my results, and every time I thought about it, a lump formed in my throat and goosebumps appeared on the back of my neck, all I kept thinking was please let me be okay.
"Have you found your dress?" I called from the changing room where I delicately slipped of my dress and threw my clothes back on carelessly.
"London, there's like four months till the wedding, of course I've found my dress. In fact, it's in this shop right now." She said from the other side of the changing room curtain, and I could tell there was a smile on her face.
"Your kidding me! Put it on!" I yelled.
"Sorry kiddo, your going to have to wait till the big day like everyone else."
I peaked my head found the curtain and have her my best puppy dog eyes and stuck out lip face as I batted my eyelashes.
"That may work on my brother, but I'm as hard as rocks. Patience my dear." She laughed.
I gave her a huff and finished putting my clothes on. As I emerged I handed the tailor my dress that I'd hung back on the fancy black velvet hanger and adjusted my clothes in the floor length mirror.
Jesse hooked her handbag over her shoulder and pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head as she made her way over and stood next to me. She slipped her hand onto my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
"Your going to be okay, you know. Whatever happens today, whatever's written in the scary yellow envelope that Craig has, we'll get through it as a family, alright? We got you." Jesse said with a sympathetic smile.
I took a deep breath and threw her a smile back, "Let's do this."
We said our goodbyes to the staff at the bridal shop and jumped into Jesses car. The hospital was only a twenty minute car ride so we was running perfectly on time.
"Is Logan meeting us there?" Jesse asked as she dodged her car through the light traffic.
"Yeah, he said he had something to do this morning but he was going to be there. Not a clue what it was though." I said carelessly as I flicked through the radio in the car.
She glanced at the dash board where the radio station was displayed in bright red letters along side the time and date.
She let out a big sigh and flicked her indicator, pulling into the hospital parking lot, "I know what he was doing this morning."
"You do?"
"Yeah, two years ago he lost someone he was close to. You didn't hear it from me, but he would of been at the cemetery today." Jesse said with a sad smile as she cut the engine.
"Who, who did he loose?" I asked, feeling my heart sink a fraction.
"He'll tell you in his own time. But for now, let's go work on keeping you alive." She grinned, putting on a big smile, almost forced.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"London, it's always a pleasure to see you." Craig smiled as he have me a small hug.
We was now in his office, and by we I mean Logan, Jesse, Craig and I and at least seven other stern looking doctors, which made me even more nervous, if that was even possible. Logan gripped my hand as Craig pulled up my results on his fancy computer.
"So.." Craig paused as he swivelled on his chair and faced us.
"For Christ sake, please. This is killing me. Just tell us already." Logan all but yelled.
I places my hand on his face and looked directly into his eyes, "Hey, calm down. It's my job to freak out. Getting mad is not going to change what's in my blood, okay?"
He sighed and nodded his head as he dropped his gaze to the ground. I looked up and gave Craig a nod to continue.
"We got your results back and there's good and bad news. The bad news being that you do one hundred percent have cancer. Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia,"
A tear escaped my eye and made a short journey towards my jaw bone, but I used the back of my hand to wipe it off before it reached it. It felt like someone had punched me full force in the stomach. I was clinging with all I had to that one percent that I didn't have it, that my blood was just having a funky day and I was okay, that I was normal. But sometimes, like then, the universe shifts and the odds fall out of your favour. And let me tell you, it's sucked.
"So," Jesse spoke up, breaking the silence, "What now? What do we do?"
"We'll, this type of cancer comes in three stages. Phase one being the chronic stage, this is where your at now. This type develops slowly and has near enough no symptoms, which is why you didn't feel unwell before you got diagnosed. The second phase is the accelerated phase which develops faster than the chronic phase. This phase is more serious. The last phase is the blast phase which is similar to acute leukaemia. It's much more serious and highly life threatening."
I shifted in my seat as Craig threw these long medical words at me, Logan and Jesse stayed silent, but continued to grip my hand as they sat either side of me.
"Now, your lucky," Craig continued, "Like I said, your in the chronic phase. Which can be controlled and you can live near enough a normal life. You caught it in time, which is normally hard with leukaemia. I've spoke with the medical team," He said as he gestured towards the scary men and woman in white lab coats standing behind him, "And we've decided chemotherapy is not required in your case. You'll still need treatment, just no chemo. But let me warn you, Rhiannon, just because your in the chronic stage now, it doesn't mean you can't jump either one of the stages at any given time, it could be next week or in five years time, but it can happen, it might not. But I'm legally authorised to tell you it can."
I was uncertain with how I felt. I mean, my heart felt like it had been ripped out and stamped on, I had cancer. No eighteen year old wants to be told that they have an illness that could literally suck the life from their very own body, do they? But I was in the chronic phase, which sounded to me the best phase to be in. I could and I quote 'lead near enough a normal life'. That was good, right? In that very moment my emotions felt like they had been picked up and thrown in the air. How was I suppose to feel?
I studied Logan's face. His mouth was set into a perfectly straight line, and he had a crease between his eyebrows like he did every time he was thinking hard about something.
"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, giving his hand a tug.
"Aren't I the one who's suppose to be asking you that question?" He laughed as he forced a smile and pulled me into his side.
"Yeah, you are. But I'll let you off." I grinned back, although the smile itself felt forced, like it wasn't suppose to be on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After what felt like years huddled up in that tiny consultation room with way to many serious doctors, I was allowed to go home.
Craig, my medical team and I had agreed I would go on a clinical trial, which was basically a new drug that was being tested. In simple words, I was a human hamster, I was a test tube baby. I'd take two tablets a day, and every two months I would go into hospital for a day and be prodded with needles to see if the drugs were working. I was okay with that, I mean, it could be a lot worse, could have chemotherapy and loose my hair and throw up all the time. I'd take two tablets a day over chemo every time.
Logan slid into the parking space outside my new apartment and cut the engine. He hadn't said more than two words. I grabbed my medical bag filled with the little bottles of drugs that was going to hopefully save my life and unbuckled my seatbelt.
"Jesses bridesmaids dresses are beautiful." I said casually, desperately trying to break the silence.
Logan let go of my hand for the first time since we walked into the hospital and let out a heavy sigh. "Please don't act like everything is okay."
"What am I suppose to act like?" I replied, confused at his attitude.
"I don't know. Like someone who has just been told they have cancer?" He spat.
"Woah. I know this is hard, but it doesn't mean you get a free pass to act like a jerk." I said through gritted teeth.
"Hard? Don't you get it, or are you just stupid? This is nothing. You wait till those little yellow tables kick in, when your bones ache and your so tired you can't stay awake longer than an hour. When your hair starts to thin and your body slowly but surely turns into what feels like someone of sixty years old. I can't do this Rhi, I can't. I cannot sit around and watch you loose yourself in your own body."
"You just called me Rhi." I laughed bitterly, "Oh, you can't do this? Well, I'm sorry for having cancer. What, am I not good enough for you now? Is that it? We'll, here's your free pass. You don't have to sit around and watch me do anything. I'm done with you." I half yelled as I jumped out the car and slammed the door, ignoring Logan's pathetic calls for me to come back completely.
I was angry, I was so angry.