*I hope this turns out okay, my laptop broke and so I'm doing this from my parents laptop which I've never uploaded from before... I hope the spaces and everything else is okay!*
Epilogue
Life had turned out differently than I imagined. I could see so much of my parents' character in my two brothers, A.J. being a police officer while Felix was a paramedic.
"I just want to help people." A.J. had said to me when I ask him why he wanted to be a cop a few weeks after he had graduated from High School. I gave him a hug then he added, "And you know what they say...women like a man in uniform." he said laughing a bit. After hitting him upside the head and saying, "Maybe for some it's partly true but a real man would never think of it that way, certainly if he would want to be taken seriously." I told him. Even though he was partly being honest, I knew nothing in the world would be able to distract him from being a cop. When he graduated from the Police Academy everyone was proud of him but mostly he was happy with himself which was the best part.
Today A.J. was still single but only by choice. He loved being available and loved women but would inform me that he was always being respectful towards them. I rolled my eyes in annoyance, I'm sure he was respectful...to an extent. I reminded myself that I could only say or do what I could. It wasn't my life, it wasn't mine to live and to simply mind my own business. My mother wasn't pleased with his... activities. She wished that he would settle down and become a loving husband and father. I always laughed at that because he still had a long way to go. My brother loved two things more than his women, his family and his job, if the woman he liked didn't understand in the slightest, she was out the door. Those two things, no one could mess with...those two priority made me the proudest.
My mother told Felix the truth years ago about our past with Jesse, he didn't take it well. It took a long time for him to somewhat understand it and move on from it. He found a career where he was happy and like A.J. he only wanted to help people. It amazed me how the past had affected them. For some reason, I couldn't believe how my brothers had turned out and why I hadn't noticed it before. I cried tears of joy when he told me he wanted to be a paramedic, also I probably cried being seven months pregnant with my second child and being very hormonal at the time.
Presently, Felix was happy and in love with the same woman, Kristen, for the past four years and her six year old daughter, Amelia. They were a really good fit and my brother loved both of them with everything he had. They were a little perfect family.
As for me, now two years later after Felix was a full time paramedic, I was pregnant with my third child. Even after many years I could clearly remember telling Blake about us having one child and we would see from there, but here we were with number three.
"How are you doing?" My doctor, Dr. Cale, asked me as she closed the door to her office, once we were inside.
"Well, my husband is late for our appointment, he thinks I'm going out of my mind which I'm sure he's somewhat correct. I want him to get...fixed that way, this..." I said pointing to my stomach, "won't happen again. I really do love my kids but three is where it stops. I feel ugly, fat and when I can actually sleep I have nightmares so I'm always tired." I quickly said, almost about to cry.
"Amanda you need to relax, I can see you're stressed." She told me.
"I'm trying but it's difficult when everyone is always telling me to relax. It's not something that is done on command."
"You're twenty-one weeks pregnant, go for a long relaxing massage...find time for yourself." She added.
"I got two kids...thank god one is in school but a massage is out of the question, certainly when the other one is running around everywhere." I informed her.
I knew it wasn't the first time she heard these stories, even from other patients but at times I was starting to run low on patience and energy at home.
"Blake can take over for a few hours. You need to take care of yourself or number three might suffer." She said seriously.
I took a deep breath and nodded. "Then I will. I'll do anything to make sure he's okay."
I loved all of my kids but number three was extra special. Blake and I had decided to name him after my dad but of course, no one else knew that. Also, making him my last child, I kept all my little memories of my pregnancy really close to my heart.
Someone knocked on the office door. When the door opened a bit, a young woman peeked her head in, "Excuse me, Mrs. Sanders your husband is here...would you like him to come in?" She asked me.
"Yes, thank you." I said with a smile.
Blake came in the room and sat down next to me.
"I'm so sorry. Traffic was slower than I thought." He said, forgetting about the doctor and just talking to me.
"You owe me." I told him and I felt the tears build up in my eyes again.
"I'll get you ten ice creams with smarties if you want." He said exaggerating but trying to negotiate with me.
"Okay." I answered, accepting his offer.
"Ten? Really?" He asked.
My eyes went back to his, "What are you saying? Am I really overweight with the baby?!" I asked him but turned to the doctor, hoping that it was only in my head.
I could tell I caught her off guard but she answered the way I hoped, that I was perfectly fine with my weight, I wasn't underweight and I wasn't overweight.
"Mr. Sanders, I was telling your wife that she needs to relax. The baby is not in danger but her stress level is too high that if it continues to rise, it will become a problem." She said to Blake.
I wondered if it was her way of telling Blake to stop talking.
I got the confirmation when he answered, "I understand."
"To answer your question about a vasectomy, the best doctor who could answer all your questions would first be your family doctor. I know that doesn't help this very second but that would be the best place to start." She informed us.
"Really?" Was the only word out of Blake's mouth while I squinted my eyes because I knew I was in trouble. Blake didn't want a vasectomy, I only asked the doctor because I wanted information to give to him to see if he would reconsider.
I turned my head towards him and he was looking right at me. I could easily see that he wasn't happy.
Crap.
"I love our kids, I love you...but I can't have anymore." I told him, being completely honest...in front of our doctor for crying out loud.
He took my hand and looked over to the doctor, "Then we'll start there...to get information." He told her.
"Thank you." I said to both of them. I squeezed Blake's hand a bit, letting him know that I was referring mostly to him. He looked at me and gave me a small smile. I know I was asking him to do the most difficult thing in the world and if he wouldn't change his mind, we would just have to find a different way. We could go back to birth controls and condoms. Getting informed couldn't hurt and I knew we would have multiple conversations before an answer would be given. In the end only Blake could make that decision, it was his body and regardless of the end result, I had to respect his decision.
"If you have no more questions we can go see how the baby is doing." The doctor told us.
"Yes!" Blake and I said at the same time, both excited to see how our baby boy was doing.
We walked over to the room with the ultrasound machine, I laid on the table then lifted my shirt so that my whole stomach was showing. I lifted my head to look at my shoes, luckily I could still see most of them. I knew soon enough that the day would come when I would no longer be able to see them, the thought didn't help to ease my mind.
After Dr. Cale put the cold gel on me, she took the wand then placed it on my stomach. The sound I loved more than anything in the world came to my ears. There was no better sound than a heartbeat. I took a deep breath and enjoyed listening to my baby. This made me relax, knowing that my baby was okay in my stomach and that he was still with us.
"Amanda, does he move around a lot?" She asked me.
"Yeah but mostly at night." I answered.
"That's good. Right now he's the length of a carrot, also just to say that his legs are now longer than his arms and so he will be kicking more, more so if you press against your stomach which I'm sure you already know all of this." She said with a smile.
"Yes I remember but it's good to be reminded sometimes because I can forget." I told her.
"Last time you weren't positive on names...have you thought about it some more?" She asked.
"His name is Derrick Joey Sanders." Blake said proudly.
"That is a very lovely name."
"Derrick is for my father and Joey is for a friend of ours who will be his Godfather." I explained.
"I'm sure they are very touched." She said.
"Oh, they don't know yet." Blake said, laughing a bit.
"Well, I'm sure they will be once they find out." She said. "Amanda, everything looks great. Derrick is perfect in size, his heartbeat is strong... Until our next appointment please try and relax. Baby Derrick and you need this, find the time to make that happen okay?" She said, giving me full eye contact.
"Yes I will." I stated. I would do anything and everything for my kids, they were my life and I lived everyday for them. As I looked back, I finally understood my mother and the way she was towards me when we were locked away in Jesse's house. Her protection and love toward me made her do the most scariest things just to keep me safe and I would do the exact same things for my kids. Since I became a mother I could relate to her more, now more than ever.
Blake and I married after Ashley was born, our second child. One day I sat down with Blake and told him that I wanted that piece of paper, also hoping that he felt the same way. His words were, "It's about freaking time woman!" He got me off my chair and wrapped his arms around me. We told our oldest child, Miles, that we were getting married. All he understood or really cared about was that there was going to be a party with a big cake. We named him Miles Angel Sanders, Miles because our road had been long to get us where we were, Angel because he was truly a gift from above. Our daughter, Ashley Lisa Sanders because we loved the name Ashley, Lisa was for my best friend and finally our baby that wasn't here yet, that was just obvious. My children and my husband were my life and everyday was an adventure that I knew I could never live without. My love for them could not be explained in words...well not words that were good enough.
My life wasn't perfect but I had the best people around me. Lisa and her husband Brian had moved away but it was still a drivable distance. Blake and I were the Godparents of their first child. I couldn't believe after all these years that she wasn't sick and tired of me or that I wasn't sick and tired of her. She was the best of friend a girl could ask for and I was forever grateful for everything she had done for me.
After quitting my job at the Dinner, I finally found something that I could be proud of. I found that I had a hidden talent for photography. I took my own pictures and would sale them wherever people would buy them. I liked that I could take pictures of things that made me smile, that made me happy, that reminded me that I was lucky, and to be happy that I was alive. I was surprised by how many people liked my pictures. I was nervous about working freelance but the amount of support from my family was amazing, they gave me the courage I needed to continue and I'm so glad I did.
Blake still loved his job as a mechanic. He missed my father since he no longer worked there. He was retired but would sometimes stop by the shop just to go to lunch with him and some of the guys. I loved the fact that my husband loved his job, also I was a bit jealous at the fact that he knew what he wanted to do, what career he wanted to pursue at a young age, not many people could do or say the same.
.....
Through the years, life had a way of showing us what we didn't want to see, like everything we did was some sort of test. My family and I went through many test, I am positive we will have many more to live through and to survive. People say that it makes us stronger, I believe we just cope, trying to live another day, to survive another test, that everyone knows that their time, here one Earth, will end sooner or later. To keep the best moments in our heads and in our hearts, that it will help us survive another day.
My father's voice, still in my head, I can still hear his words speak the truth when I'm having a really hard time, "Never give up, but if you must, give it the best fight of your life...give it hell and make it sorry for ever messing with you." My father strength is incredible. Still and always so hard headed but I believe that is one of the reason he is still with us, he refuses to give up.
Life is not meant to be perfect and sadly there is no such thing as a happily ever after, life simply isn't made that way. My marriage to the love of my life isn't perfect, even though most people would think otherwise. We have our ups and downs but somehow, our love survives. I could never imagine a life without Blake, I just couldn't see it. As difficult as it could be at times, there was a lot more good than bad in our relationship, that is what mattered. We were good to each other and I knew he still loved me as much as I loved him.
I cannot wait to see what the future holds, how our kids will be, what sort of men and woman will they become. As much as life can be cruel, it has its moments where there is nothing more beautiful and nothing more magnificent...I cherish those moments...
The End
****Please Vote & Comment! Thank you!!****
As much as I love writing a new book, there is something so wonderful about writing 'The End'. I guess it's just me being proud that I finished it.
It took a long time for me to complete this book so I really want to thank each and everyone of you for sticking with me and for your patience...your support is something I truly cherish.
I do have future plans, book ideas...but for the moment I'm gonna concentrate on my health and do my very best to get better, that is my number one for now.
And so... Until next time.
xxx