"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Phil Donahue
(edited by Grammer.ly and totally not sponsored just really love their website)
*TRIGGER WARNING*
Tiana's P.O.V
I'm strangely at peace. Today's the day I'm going to die, and I'm okay with that. I deserve this. It's an end to the pain I've been through and I can't wait.
I see everything differently now. The hallways, once a puke green, now almost reminding me of nature, making me one with the world. The people saying nasty things about me are just motivators. I no longer shrivel in my own skin; with my shoulders back, I walk proudly down these hallways. I take it all in because this is the last time I'll have to do this.
Breath.
My mother always told me to take deep breaths when I'm nervous or scared; it helps calm the senses, but right now, I'm neither. I just want to enjoy the sensation - one of the last times I get to.
This feels right. This feels okay. I'm finally going to be okay.
I don't see Ryder for the rest of the day, but I don't let it bother me. He's probably celebrating anyway. I just pray for the next girl he ruins; hopefully, he never hurts another girl like he has to me.
But he won't be my problem much longer.
I snap out of my peaceful haze and get to work. First things first, I have to find Persephone.
I send her a text to meet up with me. Luckily, she doesn't ask any questions. As she likes to say, "business is business."
From what she knows, she probably thinks I'm buying it for protection.
At lunch, I go to her "office" aka, the girls' bathroom. Specifically, the third stall that everyone thinks is always clogged. It's not the coziest place in the world as it is only meant to fit one person.
Persephone takes out a Rubix cube and sets in on the lid of the toilet. I look at her like she's gone mad.
"I want my office to feel homely. Sue me." I laugh a little but it doesn't feel genuine. There's nothing happy left inside of me.
"So what are my options?" I ask. I don't really give a shit about what I buy, but if I say that to her she might get suspicious. She may be my drug dealer but she's also my friend.
I wonder how she will be affected after I kill myself. I mean, we've never been super close so I assume not that much. I wonder how my family will feel once I'm dead. I wonder who will find my bloody, lifeless body sprawled across the floor with a gun in my hand. No, I can't think like this. I can't let my conscious talk me out of this.
Today I must let myself think like a selfish person. Who gives a fuck? Not me. No ma'am. I do not care that pain I will cause by the decisions I make. No sir...that does not sound like anything I would ever say.
"What do you need it for?"
Shit...ok brain what lie should I use today?
"I want to use it to go hunting," Are you fucking kidding me? She is literally a wolf and so is my whole family.
"There is an ex who needs to be taught a lesson," Who the fuck do you think you're kidding, brain. You're single now and you've always been single. No one loves you, that's why you're doing this.
Persephone looks at me patiently. I need to come up with something quick before she becomes suspicious.
I try to position my body to look casual and confident even though I feel like the exact opposite. "Just for protection in case a rogue gets out of line," Hayyy, not bad, brain.
She just shrugs and hands me a gun and shows me the basics of how to use it without any further questions. "Here you go. It's a Sig Sauer P320 9mm, a gun for idiot shooters who can't aim very well. It's also lightweight and easy to hide." (A/N: I literally know nothing about guns. I've never even held one before so I'm sorry if this is an uneducated description of this gun)
"That's perfect," I say before handing her some money and go on my merry way.
Step one is complete. Now it's time to subtly say goodbye to the few people who care.
~~~~~~
I don't even wait for school to get out since there is no point in staying anyway. I sneak out of the school without somehow triggering some metal detector since it;s infested with transforming werewolves that can bite the head off of any intruder within 10 seconds of them walking in. I run to my baby and rev the engine on my Goldwing (A/N: again, sorry I'm uneducated). I take a second to enjoy the sound my motorcycle makes. It's interesting how much more you appreciate things when you know you'll never experience them again.
I never noticed how lively this town is. I'm usually too busy listening to music, but today I let the sounds of the area fill my ears. There were people arguing, people smiling and laughing, people I have never even met before even though the towns' population was only 3,000 and half of that is pack members.
I never noticed the quiet tunnels made up of blossoming trees that nearly block out the sun while you're riding under it. I don't know how I could have missed this before now. It is so beautiful and quiet. I wish I had more time to find a place to lay down and bask in this serenity.
In a spire of the moment decision, I decided to park along side the road and do just that. The trees told me that spring was near as they were damp from a rainfall the night before, but leaves had started sprouting on top of the branches.
Maybe, in order to make room for more life, someone somewhere up there decided now was a good time for me to die. Maybe there's just not enough room on the earth for a waste of space like me. Maybe there's a new born somewhere smiling and bringing more joy in the world than I ever could; today is the perfect day for someone else to start their life will I decide to end mine.
By the time I get up to leave, the school day has ended anyway so the chance to beat any traffic caused by the many spoiled wolves in their daddy's Ferrari's is long gone.
~~~~~~
I've never felt so sad coming home before. Usually, home is where I can escape Ryder and the bullying that ensues at school; but in the same breath, I have never come home with a plan to kill myself. Even with these negative emotions, there was still nothing else that felt so right for me to do.
Of course walking inside the house was no different than any other day. Pack members were chatting amongst themselves, ignoring my presence like always. I see my brothers conversing and I walk over as normally as I possibly can.
They still do not notice me.
"Hey guys," I say at a medium level volume assuming that they will surely hear me with their werewolf hearing, but they don't even act like they heard me. "Yo. What's up?" I "casually" ask uncharacteristically hoping this unusual behavior will get them to notice me. Still nothing. "Can I get a hug?" I plead this quietly while backing away knowing that my last attempt for recognition would be futile.
I know my brothers love me, but they tend to get lost in their own boyish world and often times forget I exist and block out my voice and presence. It's never anything personal or intentional, but today it kind of felt like it was.
See? No one loves you. No one will care that you're gone. No one will even come to your funeral. You're useless in this world. Your existence is unnecessary, the mean voice in my head tells me. Today I am too weak to disagree with it.
"I'll give you a hug," A warm, comforting voice whispers in my ear.
My mother envelopes me in the best hug from behind that I have ever received. I turn around and smile somberly towards her.
"Is something wrong?" She has a look of concern consuming her face. It accents her wrinkles and age marks that have all too quickly been etched on her face at the ripe age of 45 after her years of trauma and stress. I could not allow myself to add another line on her face.
"Not at all. I just had a long, tiring day and I just needed a hug. You know how it is," I did my best to give her a convincing smile. I'm not sure if it worked because Amanda has always been able to tell when I am lying, but she does not press me with further questioning. She usually never does, assuming that I will always come to her if I need her comfort or advice.
Not today.
Hours pass as I let the house slowly quiet down with the people inside getting ready for bed. This place, my home will be the only thing the witness first hand the death of one Tiana Richardson, the most worthless piece of shit to ever walk these hallways.
I walk towards my backpack and find the gun hiding at the bottom under the loose papers that were carelessly thrown in there as the day progressed.
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Where's the best place to kill myself without making a huge mess that will take forever to clean up? Since my life has been such a burden to everyone, I might as well make my death less of an ordeal. That should help ease the pain, right?
The bathroom is probably my safest bet as it is tiled and my room is carpeted. Mom will appreciate that.
I walk slowly into my bathroom without closing the door and turn towards the mirror. I put the gun up to my head after checking that the safety lock was off. You are so ugly. Just fucking do it already. Everyone will be so happy you're dead. Everyone. Just do it already. Do it. DO IT!
*BANG*
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Wait...how am I still alive?
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A/N:
Hey, guess what? I wasn't lying when I said this book wasn't dead. I was thinking about leaving out the last line of this chapter and leave you guys off on a super suspenseful cliff hanger but since you've all been so patient and waited so long for this chapter I decided to be kind. It's good to be back. Sorry if I'm a bit rusty I mean It has been two years since I last wrote for this genre, this type of writing style, this story in general so I guess it's to be expected. I hope it's a good chapter to make a come back with, though.
On a VERY SERIOUS NOTE, I do not normally analyze my chapters but this is such a serious and impactful chapter that I have no choice. PLEASE READ. Tiana's thoughts are not normal and do reflect those of a suicidal person. These thoughts are realistic to some degree as I have personally dealt with suicidal thoughts. If you have ever or are thinking similar thoughts to the ones Tiana is thinking in this chapter, I BEG of you to seek help. Talk to a friend, a parent, a family member, a teacher, a guidance counselor, a social worker, (preferably) a therapist, or a worker on a suicide hotline.
This is the number of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. If that does not work in your area, please look up another one on the internet.
Suicide is a serious epidemic and I do not mean to make light of the situation by writing about it in a story. Just know that even though I do not know you, you are worth living; you deserve to live. You are important to someone, you are loved, and you would be missed if you did kill yourself. I promise you that those statements are true. Please please do not live your life in silence if you are a potential danger to yourself or people around you. Please talk to someone because that could be the difference between life and death for some people.
Again, I hope all of you enjoyed. I will be posting the next chapter when I can because my life is pretty hectic right now, as always. As of right now, I am writing this chapter instead of doing my homework and it is already 12:24 a.m. where I live. See you soon (I promise) and have a tantalizing Tuesday.
With all my love,
Rachel
How is Tiana alive?
What will happen now that the whole house heard a gunshot coming from her room?
Priest: We are all gathered here today in remembrance of a writer named RachelFine. Unfortunately, we've had no choice but to assume that she has moved on to the great beyond after her disappearance for almost 2 years. RachelFine and her writing will always be remembered in our minds and in our hearts as well. Amen.
Everyone: Amen.
Me: First of all, not dead. Second of all, ever heard of having shit to deal with and just not being able to write.
Everyone: *murmurs in surprise* she's alive?!
Me: Yeah I'm freaking alive. I just went through a couple breakups and I had a lot of other shit on my plate. So no need to fear. I'm back...ish. Still sticking with the uploading when I can, but I will make a better attempt this time.
Ryder: *whispers* you say that every time.
Me: Yeah and I meant it every time too until bad shit came into my life.
Ryder: wait, you heard me?! How?
Me: I may have left writing for a little bit, but I you're still my character; I still created you.
*stares awkwardly at each other*
Me: Anyway it's good to be back.
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Conlan: It's good to have you back...so I can continue to hate you
Rachel: Right back at ya
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