"I don't wanna be myself, it's making me so unwell... I don't wanna be myself, I just wanna be someone else..." Thought these lyrics fit really well with the emotions in this chapter. (Lyrics from Soda by Nothing But Thieves - I've attached the song)
{rushed edit}
Harry decided we should head up to bed, we didn't bother disturbing everyone else's sleep so we simply left them all fast asleep down on the sofa. The television was lightly playing the news as we creeped upstairs to ensure our footsteps wouldn't awaken Anne, Gemma or Jack. We entered Harry's childhood bedroom, the lingering scent of his cologne swirled through the air. Harry's body paced around the room as he put things away and fluffed the duvet and pillows for us, before he halted in front of his chest of drawers. His long fingers grazing the cool surface of the picture of him and I on Christmas morning.
I saw his cheeks lift up slightly as his lips turned upwards, I sauntered over to where he stood, sliding my hands over his shoulders and wrapping them around his neck. My lips placed a firm kiss to his covered shoulder blade, his hands curling around my wrists to hold onto me. I felt his lean body relax as he breathed out a deep sigh.
"They had a summer wedding," he whispered, I frowned at his sudden sentence unsure of what or who he was referring too, up until one of his hands dropped from my wrist around his neck and picked up the photo his eyes were glued too. Anne and Robin. Anne wore this beautiful dress, with absolutely stunning lace details and the whole dress hugged her curvy figure tightly. She had simple make up on and a large white flower clipped into her hair. Robin was in a suit and tie, his tie was a light pink shade, and he looked very handsome. "It was scorching hot that day as well, it was all outdoors but I remember being absolutely roasting," he chuckled with a fond smile. He reached behind it for a photo I hadn't really looked at before. "This is my favourite."
It was a photo of Anne and Harry, he looked down at her with the brightest yet cutest smile I'd ever seen him wear and she wore one that almost mirrored Harry's. They looked absolutely gorgeous together and it immediately brought a smile to my face. Harry looked a little younger than he is now, his thick curls were swiftly upright in a messy quiff that looked windswept, his black tie was skinny and his shirt was crisp and buttoned all the way to the top.
"Look at you," I cooed, my fingers sliding down his shoulders and hooking underneath his armpits so I could wrap them around his torso, leaning my chin against his shoulder. "You look so happy."
"I wish I could always be that happy," he mumbled. I frowned as I moved around him, my arms still clinging to him like I was a koala, he subconsciously wrapped his own arm around my shoulder to keep me to him, like I'd want to separate from him anyway. "Shh," I didn't even get a chance to ask if he was happy right now. "Look at this one," he muttered with a small smile before taking out another photo.
This time it was of just Harry, he was small and on his hand was a huge spider. I cringed and whacked the photo away from me, getting that creepy feeling of bugs all of me as I shuddered. He knew damn well I'd have reacted this way and I knew he did as he began chuckling with a cocky grin over his lips. "You're an ass. Also why on earth did you do that as a child? You're crazy."
"I was a wild child," he pushed one shoulder forward and chuckled.
"Harry?" I asked quietly, he peeked down at me and nodded. "Do I make you happy?"
"Yes," he replied confidently without a single passing second of doubt given.
I breathed out a sigh of relief before asking another question. "Aren't you happy all the time?"
"Is anyone really happy all the time, Luna?" His question began to make me wonder. Is everyone in the world sad? Whether they're sad twenty four seven or just once every week... I hadn't really thought about it I guess. I shrugged to his question. "No, nobody is really happy all the time," he answered before speaking once again. "You make me happy, but, when I'm not with you or something's going on in my life... I don't feel happy — at least not as happy as I'd like to be," he finally replied to my question from earlier. I don't know if I was happy with his answer or not, I mean I was glad to hear that I make him happy, but it pains me to know sometimes he's sad and he doesn't tell me.
"Have you ever been sad and pretended not to be with me?"
"With you?" He frowned, thinking for a moment. "Not because of you, but I definitely haven't shared how I felt about something to you. And that something made me sad sure, you've done it too right?"
"I don't know," I shrugged once more. I was hurt that Harry had felt the need to not share vital thoughts and feelings when he was in a funk around me. But not everyone is comfortable sharing things, even if who you're talking too is your significant other, friend or family member. "Tell me how you're feeling now?"
I was tired before we came upstairs, but now I know if I don't get answers to my questions then I will be tossing and turning all night long. He pulled away from me and sat on the edge of the bed whilst I simply stood where I was, giving him the physical space he clearly needed.
"You know when you go to a concert and they play a song over the speakers before the show starts?" He asked, I hadn't really any experience in the field of concerts but I knew that's what occurred. "It usually plays quite low and because you have thousands of people talking all at once it's hard to focus on the lyrics," he explained, green eyes staring at the cross tattoo on his hand as his fingers fiddled with the large bulky rings wrapped around his fingers. "That's what my head is like right now. There's a lot of noise and the one thing I want to focus on is really quiet," he frowned. "It's telling me how to feel but I can't fucking hear it."
"Close your eyes," I spoke suddenly, my voice hesitantly low. He abided by my command and shut his pretty eyes, shielding them from me. "Focus on the main problem right now; tell me what that is."
"Robin."
"Okay," I said quietly, taking a small step closer to him — still a large gap between us. It felt like an entire ocean was between us, and I was trying so hard to swim through the harsh waves caused by a storm. "How does that situation make you feel?"
"Sad..."
"Anything else?"
"Scared?"
"Why scared?"
"Because, if he could leave so quick and so suddenly, anyone else I love can do that too," he whimpered. Opening his eyes. "I want to cry but I can't."
"Who's says you can't?" I asked.
"I don't want to cry anymore," he shook his head. He hadn't ever looked so vulnerable until this exact moment. His pale green eyes were a sickly pale shade now, they were glossy and his cheeks were tinted pink. He was opening up his heart and dropping those walls he'd built up so high, he was falling and exploiting his unarmed heart to the world. I felt like I was holding a gun and he was spitting out all the words that got trapped in his throat when the topic of how he felt came up, he was now in the firing line and he was holding his hands up in the air in defeat. "I'm so tired, Luna."
"Let's sleep then," I gave up. If he doesn't want to talk we don't have too, I will not force him.
He shook his head and stared at me, his eyes bore into mine and I felt like his gaze was the matchstick and my body was the gasoline. "I'm not physically tired... I'm mentally tired," he sighed, his dark pink lips slightly open as he shakily allowed breaths to puff out between them. "I'm fucking exhausted, moonlight," his eyes shut as a tear trickled quickly down his face. The tone of his voice was harsh and weak, yet the simple added nickname that only he gave me, made my heart shatter. "I just want everything to stop, let me breathe, and give me a damn rest," he listed. When his eyes reopened and met mine I felt the only thing I could right now was to open my arms up and allow him to step into them.
So I did it.
I spread my arms out and just stared at him, it took him a split second before he stood up and took three long strides before he was in front of me. I didn't move my arms to reach for him, I just stood here with a few centimetres between us as he quietly looked at me. With one final blink of his eyes he embraced me in a bone shattering hug, his arms around my shoulders and mine winding around his waist. His chin upon my shoulder, my cheek squished against his collarbone and his fingers fisting the jumper of his I was still in.
"I'm tired of feeling broken. It's one bad thing after another lately," he whispered between his reasonably quiet sobs. He was trying so hard to stay quiet but I knew it was hard to do when all he wanted was to scream, I know because I've been here before. This emotion has been felt by me, and I fucking hated it.
"I know baby," my lips pressing constant kisses to his neck to reassure him I was here, I'm listening and I love him. "It's all going to be okay, you helped me keep sane — I'm going to help you."
"I didn't help you, you helped yourself."
"No," I pulled back just so he could make eye contact with me. "You came into my life two weeks after my life began to crumble, Harry. You turned it around and you decided to stick around, you helped me keep a smile on my face and distract me from the sadness I felt when I thought of my parents," I explained with a sympathetic smile. He really had no idea just what he did for me when I needed it, I didn't ask for help I mean I didn't even know I needed it. I don't think anybody really knows they need help with their emotions, especially when you feel like you've lost complete and utter control of your life.
Your life is like a car, if you hit that bump too hard or you swerve to harshly you're going to crash or at least get damaged somewhere. Whether it's a small damage or a large one, you'll either receive physical or internal pain, most likely internal. And Harry's hit that bump so damn hard he's feeling so much internal pain, he feels as though his hands are no longer on the wheel and the car is spinning out of control and nobody can save him. But I want to be the passenger, I want to grab the wheel and help him steady this car, get over the bump and continue on. I want him to see there's a better road after this large bump, there's a flat clean surface ready to be driven on.
He acts like it's raining and he's forgotten his umbrella. Or he's gone to get shopping and left his credit card at home, or gone on a long bus journey and left his headphones at home. Sure Robin's death is major and will not be healed by one bandaid, but it's also fixable. Because when you've forgotten your umbrella you find a cafe to hide in like I did when I first met Harry, or you hold the shopping and return home for your card before returning. Harry may be broken right now, but he can be fixed just like I was. It just takes time.
"You think I can get past this though? It's like a part of my heart is ripped," he mumbled. Most people sit and think that's it, I'm never getting through this tragic moment I'm suffering. God has planned this to be the moment I give up. But if we as humans really thought like that, nobody would motivated to do anything anymore. I'd have stopped talking to Harry, I'd still have my job and be unhappy at it, I'd have been severely depressed due to losing both my parents and I may have potentially moved away.
With a slither of motivation; which was Harry, I'm now here. Sure I miss my parents, I lost my job and have sad moments, but things got better and my life got a little brighter. I was holding onto a rope and it was pulling me out of the huge ditch I fell into. Harry unfortunately didn't slowly fall into a ditch he was shoved head first into a long, never ending well. But I've wandered past, heard his cries for help and I'm planning a way to get him out.
Maybe I'm getting too ahead of myself, thinking me of all people could save a broken boy. A broken boy that likes to talk to the moon. Maybe I am delusional for thinking so, but you know what, I want to try. He isn't shattered, he's just chipped. With some glue, sticky tape and a safety pin I could fix his heart in no time, I know it.
I nodded, "I think so." Almost like he had a change of heart he smiled at me, pleased to hear my confidence that he could be happier in either a day, a few weeks or some months from now. Like those simple three words I said in response to his deep question, was all he needed for the reassure he seemed to need. "I want you to tell me when you're sad, I want you to cry if you want too... I love you, and I am always going to love you."
He rested his warm forehead against mine, some of his brown hair squished between our heads and tickling my eyebrows. Our eyes were align and it felt like all the stars combined and shone into my eyes. You know when somebody says you can smile with your eyes, well I hadn't really understood that until I looked into Harry's right now. His eyes were like the inside of a honeydew melon, the shade was so soft and gentle — if a colour could be described as such a thing. "I love you too, Luna. More and more everyday. There's not a day that goes by where I don't thank my lucky stars for allowing me to meet you," he smiled slightly.
We were so close, our noses brushing against one another, every time he spoke I could feel the warmth of his breath tickling me lips. Tantalising my lips, god I wanted to kiss him. Almost like I spoke my wish out loud his lips met mine, in such a benign manner. The way our lips moved together leisurely, very casually but you could feel the unspoken desire and devotion we both shared for each other. I didn't need to hear him promise his loyalty to me, or hear him say he loves me. I could feel it in the way he kissed me and see it in the way he'd look at me when he thought I was oblivious.
Some people may worry that Harry and I are far too attached for two people that have only known each other for two months, but it doesn't worry us at all. I won't lie and say we hadn't worried before, because we had, but now it's not even a flicker of a thought anymore. The adulation we give one another, the whispered endearments spoken to each other before we slip into slumber, and the intimacy we share was enough to beat off any worries that creeped into our minds. We were okay, I was okay, and eventually I can say Harry is going to be okay too.
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A/N: just a filler. I hope this isn't shit :/ next chapter is cuteeee!!
New cover / opinions??