( chapter viii. I WILL NOT BE DIRT )
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For Regulus Black, seeing a dog on campus rose flags inside his head. Cats were normal, along with other creatures, but a dog? No, no, that was too odd. It could raise question, but the dog seemed to always look behind its back, as if checking to make sure no one was following it. At least, nothing human. But, as a cat, Regulus was in the clear.
Like usual, the dog came out to play near midnight and went straight to the kitchen. And, as every other time, Regulus trailed after the dog until the kitchen, usually waiting outside in the dark. Call him a coward, but he always feared what the dog could actually be. And with Calypso, his esteemed niece, acting weird most of the time and smuggling food out of the kitchen – which yes, he had seen – it only pointed to one answer that he hoped wasn't true.
Him and his brother never met each other's eyes. They were always divided, could never agree, even when they were teenagers and before Sirius was disowned. The two were polar opposites while their sister, Remelda, was the happy medium. Regulus could see how the Sorting Hat had a debate of where she would land while Sirius could only be Gryffindor and Regulus Slytherin. The two were different. Sirius had a heart for others that Regulus never did.
He was not heartless like many believed Slytherins to be, he simply thought of self-preservation. Sirius was too giving, unwilling to see others harmed before him. Regulus could place those emotions on the backburner as he thought of a better option, one that would keep him alive. Sirius always hated pretending, and even though Regulus did too, he was better at hiding it. He could connect the different reasons and hold out but Sirius couldn't. He had to be free, no matter what.
So it was no surprise to Regulus when he left.
Of course, he was three years younger than him and thought of as a kid. He was in his second year, if Regulus remembered the time correctly, but he knew it was coming. Sirius spent half of his summer with the Potters while himself and Remelda never left the house. He was anxious about leaving, he couldn't stand that house. He didn't care that he was defying the family, setting himself up for disownment, when he didn't fight the Hat when being placed in his house. He didn't care about the lose he would receive when he left.
Sirius was more of a dreamer than a realist, Regulus realized when they were older. He dreamed of better worlds and didn't see the world as it truly was. If he believed Orion and Walburga would let the Potters win custody of Remelda and Regulus he was a fool. But he did believe that. And Sirius let other factors get in the way of his decision making. No, he let emotions have a say instead of looking at facts and seeing what was better in the long run. The future never mattered to Sirius, it was always about the now.
Regulus, even at sixteen, knew that he couldn't just take action. He had to learn, he had to research and be sure of his actions, make sure they would stay hidden forever until the right time. But Sirius...he wanted to be heard and seen, wanted to show others. It was so foolish, costed the man everything he loved.
No, if Sirius was in Regulus' current position, he wouldn't have spent weeks learning the pattern of the dog before striking, he would go in head first, hell be damned. But he wasn't. He was, quite possibly, on the other end; the one being followed and tracked, having data recorded about them by a cat. Well, a very intelligent cat that would've finished school if it hadn't been for fighting a bigger issue.
So, like every night before, he followed the dog to the kitchen, but unlike those times he slipped inside as well, not waiting outside to follow the dog back to where it came from. Inside, he found the dog transform back into a human, but Regulus could only glimpse at his – he suspected the figure to be male because of the clothing – back. He had long hair, the only thing that Regulus could clearly make out in the darkness.
He rummaged through cabinets, taking out any food he could find, some stuffing in his mouth while putting others in the pockets of his pants. Regulus sat, watching, waiting for the figure to turn around. Finally, he did and Regulus caught a glimpse of his face. His breath was taken because he was the same as the one in the newspaper; it was Sirius.
This was his brother. It was one thing to suspect the dog was him, but another for it to be confirmed. It had been so long since Regulus had seen the man. Yes, he stayed with the Potters as their cat before they were killed and he saw his brother there, but it had been much longer since he had seen his brother as a human. It had been so long since he had spoken to Sirius, too long.
Maybe – no, it was – it was easier for him to not speak with Sirius, the two had never truly been close. They were close enough for their situation, but it wasn't like Sirius and Remelda. They were so close before his disownment, and after that Remelda had turned to her other brother. Regulus had gotten that relationship, that real relationship that was once between Sirius and Remelda and kept it. But when he was younger...when he was younger, Regulus was the outlier. It was Sirius and Remelda together and then, almost forgotten it seemed, Regulus.
And he didn't know what to do. It was logical to keep pretending as if the dog was just a dog and he was just a cat. It was also easier that way. He could go on pretending to be dead to Sirius, continue on being just a cat and never speaking to him. He could continue like that, he had been for over a decade and more. But there was also the illogical side to consider, the side that craved to reveal himself, to show Sirius that he was there and he was alive.
In the end, as he felt himself turn into a human again, the illogical side one. Of course, Sirius did not notice at first as he had turned his back from the entrance again in favor of creating himself a sandwich with the cooking materials lying around. But it was enough, just to be human seeing his brother. Regulus' heart was pounding inside his chest as he waited for him to turn around. He could easily clear his throat or say something, but he was afraid. Regulus, truly, was afraid, which was a weird feeling.
Yes, he had been scared many times, but true fear had only come four times in his life, he supposed. First when he heard of horcruxes at a party, thinking that the infamous man himself was unstoppable. Second when he was leading himself to his death with Remelda by his side. And third when Voldemort came looking for the Potters and he was inside the house. He knew he had been careful, that of course no one had found him, yet he still couldn't help the fear inside him as he thought that he had been caught. And this was the fourth.
Eventually, when Sirius didn't turn around, Regulus did open his mouth. It was dry at first and no sound came out, but then, after another moment of preparing himself, he opened it again with only world leaving: "Hi."
He saw Sirius freeze, eyes probably widening as he thought he had been caught, that he would be sent back to Azkaban or receive the Dementor's Kiss. Slowly, the man turned around, looking at him, but no sign of recognition seen in his eyes. Regulus didn't blame him, he was sixteen the last time Sirius had seen him.
"It's been so long, you look so old now," Regulus continued, which was true. There was probably a grey hair or two and bags under his eyes accompanied by wrinkles. Azkaban did not do him good. "I suppose I look different, too."
Sirius looked confused and because of that, Regulus did not advance. "Long time no see, brother." And it was then that Sirius understood.
"Regulus?" he asked, almost apprehensive, pale as though he was looking at a ghost. Regulus' lips twitched upward at that thought, because to Sirius, he was. He nodded and then Sirius said, "I thought you were dead."
"And I thought you were supposed to be in Azkaban," Regulus retorted, "But no, you're right; I am. Well, to the world."
"You...you never actually died?" Sirius asked.
"It was faked so that I could leave," so that I could get the locket. He never knew what happened to it, but it was the reason as to why he faked his death. "Consequently, Remelda also left because of it."
Sirius nodded, "Why are you here?"
Regulus grinned, "I could ask you the same thing. In reality, I was caught sneaking around Diagon Alley and placed in that old pet shop, got 'adopted' and brought here."
"You never thought to run away?" Sirius continued to ask questions, avoiding a main topic.
"No, no, I did, but I wanted to see Calypso. Plus, I thought it would be appropriate to return back here seeing as I never actually finished my education," Regulus told him.
"Calypso's grown up so much. She looks exactly like Remelda when she was younger, doesn't she? Acts like her, too. Although I could see some Remus poking in," Sirius took a step forward.
"So you have seen her," Regulus pointed out, to which Sirius nodded.
"She found me. Had the map in her hand. We've only spoken a few times and she used to bring me food, but she hasn't visited me in weeks and I can't exactly go around looking for her, now can I?" Sirius explained.
Regulus felt almost betrayed that Calypso had never told him that she had seen Sirius, or that she was helping him, but it was none of his business. He didn't need to know. It wasn't his place and there was nowhere written that she had to tell him every secret of hers.
"No, I don't think that would be good. I heard about you trying to sneak into the Gryffindor tower, where you trying to find her?" Sirius shook his head, "Oh, really. Then what were you looking for?"
"A rat," Sirius spat out, "The same rat who them killed and he framed. I just – I need to find and kill him, then it'll all be over."
"And that's the reason why you escaped? Why you came here?" Regulus asked and again he nodded, "Merlin, you really are an idiot, Sirius."
"Oh? How so?"
"What will killing Peter bring you? What will happen in result? Do you honestly think you will gain your freedom by showing them a newly dead Peter? Someone you have killed? You'll be sent back to Azkaban, only this time just for the murder of Peter and not the twelve muggles," Regulus said, "Think about your future for once."
"What else am I supposed to do, Regulus?" Sirius asked, sitting down at the counter.
Regulus sighed and took the seat next to him, "Go to Hawaii, it's beautiful. Or go see Remelda, or try and form a relationship with your niece. There are other options."
A pause. "I think it's too late to create a relationship with Calypso, the girl hates me."
"She doesn't hate you," Regulus disagreed, "I've known her since she was eleven and all she's ever wanted was to meet you after Remelda told her the truth. She defends you in every conversation. You're her uncle, Sirius, one that she's always wanted to meet."
"Is it the same for you? Was she like that with you?"
Regulus shook his head, "No. Remelda told her that I was dead until I showed up. In her mind, there was never a chance of us meeting, but I think she still wanted there to be. We're her family and she wants a relationship. You shouldn't just think about revenge, think of her. Think of Remelda and think of Nadia, all the people you left behind when you went after Peter."
Sirius gulped. "Okay," he said quietly, "Okay."
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"I HATE CHESS. Even more than that, I hate wizard chess," Calypso groaned, moving another piece as Birdie laughed, immediately knocking the knight over. "See! I'm terrible."
"You are not terrible, Cal, quit being dramatic," Calypso sent her a look, "Okay, you are pretty bad."
"Told you."
The two girls sat outside in the courtyard, the chess table between them on the bench as they played. It had been Birdie who suggested the game since she loved playing it, especially with Angelina because the girl just had a knack for it, and Calypso had agreed to play against her since she had nothing better to do than mope about how Angelina and Cho still weren't talking to her and Lee had made it known she wasn't welcome to sit with him in the library.
It sucked when her friends were ignoring her. Well, besides Birdie, who was still as close as ever. Now, she could take the blame for the situation involving Lee. If she had just kept her mouth shut he wouldn't be freezing her out, but she took none for Angelina and Cho. They had decided to distance themselves on their own accords, and while everyone around her said that they would be back in no time, Calypso didn't believe them.
But what sucked more was that she wanted them back. She wanted everyone back, yet they weren't, and she knew she would take all three of her friends back in a heartbeat if they asked. She would.
"So," Birdie said, moving another piece, "What happened between you and Lee? Oh! And there's a Quidditch game this Saturday."
"I was an idiot, that's what happened. And I'm not going to the Quidditch game, Birdie, I already told you," Calypso responded.
Birdie rolled her eyes, "Come on, Cal, grow up. You love Quidditch and you shouldn't keep Angelina ignoring you from going."
"It's not that," Calypso looked at her friend, "Yeah, Angelina's there, but so is Lee. He'll be commenting and I'll have to listen to him the whole time and Gryffindor's going against Ravenclaw and Cho's on that team. I'll just be surrounded by everyone who used to be my friends."
"Angelina, Cho, and Lee are still your friends," Birdie said but Calypso just scoffed.
"Oh, really? Because it doesn't feel like it. I don't know about you, but I don't go around pretending my friends don't exist," Calypso spat.
Birdie sighed, "Yeah, I get that, but Angelina just –"
"– needs time, I know. You have said it so many times it might as well become your catch phrase now," Calypso rolled her eyes, "And I swear if you say it again I'm actually going to hex you."
"I'm sorry," Birdie after a pause in conversation.
Calypso snorted, "What for? You're the only one who's still around. And I don't know why I'm the one being punished because Angelina needs time."
"You're not being punished, Calypso."
"Yeah? Well it sure feels like it. All my friends know something I don't and they won't tell me and when something happens to anger one friend because of said secret, I'm the one being frozen out."
"It's not like that," Birdie said, "You know it's not like that."
"Do I? Because all I've been given is that Angelina's angry at me and, in turn, is ignoring me and because Cho's known her longer than us she can't speak to us," Birdie looked down in shame, "Oh, come on. Don't tell me I'm the only one she's ignoring."
"I'm sorry," Birdie said, which was enough to confirm that Calypso's statement was true.
She scoffed, looking everywhere but Birdie, intensifying the girl's guilt. "Unbelievable," she let out, "Merlin, I thought that it was us, but I was wrong. It's the three of you and then there's me. I'm just alone."
"Calypso, it's not like that. I knew you'd be angry if you found out and I don't want to lose you," Birdie said quickly.
"And I didn't want to lose anyone, but I did. And for what? I didn't do anything – Angelina did."
"Don't talk about her like that, she's your friend," Birdie tried to defend the Johnson.
"Not anymore," Calypso decided, although her heart was breaking at the thought of officially losing the girl, "And neither is Cho. And you...I don't know."
"Cal..."
"No, just, I'm gonna go," Calypso stood up, leaving the courtyard and Birdie behind. She really thought she could trust Birdie, she really thought it was always them against the world, but that didn't seem true anymore.
Her anger still wasn't gone by the time she passed by Angelina and Cho. "Hey!" she yelled, gaining their attention as they turned back, only for Angelina to turn back quickly and start to walk faster – away from her. She pushed the hurt down. "No, come back here!" She ran after them.
She grabbed Angelina's shoulder and forced the older girl to look at her. "Why the hell are you ignoring me?"
"Calypso," this was Cho, who was gently bringing her off of Angelina, "Calm down."
"No, because I haven't done anything and yet I'm the one who has to pay," Calypso ripped Cho off of her, "You two are ignoring me and keeping something from me and I want to know what it is."
She was met with silence and she went to continue, yelling at the two more until Angelina finally spoke, only to say, "Calypso, leave me alone."
She recoiled. It was one thing to hear it from someone else, the 'stay away', but another to hear it directly from Angelina. The girl didn't want her around, she wanted for Calypso to leave until she was ready, and Calypso knew she was expecting to be welcomed back with opening arms. Angelina probably thought everything could resume like normal, like nothing had happened, like she hadn't just ignored Calypso for almost a month now.
But she would not get that. Calypso would not allow herself to be treated like that. She would not be dirt under anyone's feet. She was better than that. Remelda had taught her that from a young age and Calypso wouldn't let herself become anything that would disappoint her mother. She couldn't let that happen. Angelina hurt her, ignored her, and told her to leave. She didn't want Calypso. Maybe, in Angelina's mind, that was only temporary. That she did want Calypso, just not at the current time, but for Calypso that ran deeper.
"Fine," Calypso nodded, hiding her gulp, "You want me to leave, I will. But don't ever try and talk to me again."
She looked at both Cho and Angelina as she said it. Calypso turned away, not seeing the heartbroken expression on Angelina's face and hurt on Cho's. She would not allow herself to be dirt, she couldn't do that. For herself.
Even though she was hurt by it, the knowledge that she had lost two friends – that she had said it out loud, plain and clear, she knew it was for the best. They hadn't been her friends for a while, and Calypso would not allow them to affect her life anymore. She had bigger things to worry about anyways.
And for the first time since the party, Calypso felt like she could breathe.