( chapter vii. MISTAKES HAVE BEEN MADE )
— 🌙 —
Only one-half of her friend group was currently talking to her, and it was definitely apparent in her life. Calypso, before then, never noticed how much she depended on them. They surrounded her constantly with constant chatter that filled her ears from other passing sounds, made her laugh, and distracted her from the mess that was her family. Yet, now, Angelina was avoiding her at all costs and Cho was following her.
Cho apologized for it, saying in passing that Angelina just needed time (like Birdie and suddenly Calypso was starting to hate that expression) and that she has known Angelina longer so of course that's why she's sticking with her. Calypso, of course, was hurt by the statement but understood. It always seemed that the people closest to her always liked someone more than her. But, Birdie was still there even when Angelina and Cho took to sitting with Katie Bell and others on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Herself and Birdie sat at the Ravenclaw table every meal to avoid them.
She was glad that Lee Jordan wasn't apart of her closest group because she didn't want to lose him. He was a great friend to her even if they weren't as close as she was with the girls.
And, most pathetically, it had only been a week since everything. Since Halloween when her friends left her. Well, it seemed like Halloween was synonymous with people leaving. At least, for Calypso and her family. She really fucking hated that holiday, it was decided and proclaimed again.
"Anyways, what did you use the map for?" Lee asked, bringing the other conversation to a close. He sat across from her in the kitchens, a place the two met once a week to just meet by themselves.
Lee was friends with the others, but not closely, not like with Calypso. Angelina liked Lee and the two bonded over Quidditch, tossing opinions about big teams and how the both of them would fuck Viktor Krum if given the chance. But Cho, always the shy one, never quite warmed up to him and Birdie and him always seemed to butt heads. It was fine, though, she liked her friends how they were.
"Oh, right," so much had happened since she had gotten ahold of the Marauders Map, "I just wanted to see if there was any part of the castle I hadn't seen before. And, well, wanted a sort of connection with my uncle."
The Jordan boy frowned, and, oh no, she knew what was coming next. "Why do you want a connection with him?"
"Believe it or not, my mum says he was a great man," Calypso said, hoping the statement wouldn't bite her in the ass, "Well, before everything. She never visited him in the Azkaban, but I've always liked hearing stories about my uncles."
"Uncles? You have more than one uncle?" Lee's eyes widened almost comically and Calypso cracked a smile.
She nodded, "Yep. Only one other, though, my dad doesn't have any siblings. But my Uncle Regulus. He, well, he died. It was a long time, they were all in school when it happened, but he and mum were really close before he passed."
And they were. It was only a partial lie. Technically, he wasn't dead but everyone believed he was, so why would she tell the truth to one person now? It was easier just to lie, like always.
"Wow," Lee leaned back in his seat, "I never knew that you had another uncle."
"Well, no one talks about him. I mean, it's not like he's a mass murderer or anything," Calypso gave a weak smile, hating the words that spewed from her mouth because she knew it was a lie. Sirius wasn't a murderer, but she had to lie. She had to. "But yeah, he was really interesting in school. He loved pulling pranks, especially with his best friend, James. Oh! And the Marauders! You'd like to hear about them, right?"
"Most definitely! But wait – do you mean James Potter? Is that...was that Sirius' best friend?" Lee asked and Calypso's mind froze with the single thought of oh, shit because she didn't want to name names. She didn't want him to know everything.
But it was too late and she had to come clean. "Um, yeah. They were great friends," Calypso confirmed and for a moment she felt like a weight had lifted from her chest before a ton more came crashing. He knew a secret, he would think even worse of Sirius and oh, shit.
Lee frowned. "I can't believe Sirius could do such a thing."
Calypso sighed, she wasn't making any of this any better. But she could – she could make everything better by explaining her family, at least the bits involving Sirius. He didn't need to know the wolf thing...that was one she would take to her grave. "Okay, look, Lee, I can tell you everything about this. I can tell you every little fact about my Uncle Sirius if you promise never to repeat any of it. Got it?"
He looked at her skeptically, "What do you mean? Everyone knows the case, what insight do you have?"
"I have the actual truth. God, everything is so stupid. If there had only been a trial..." Calypso shook her head, "Never mind, we're not here to talk about the shittiest of the Ministry, but Sirius. Well, do you want to know everything?"
He looked at her, "You're mad. You probably, well, it's probably not true."
"If that's what you want to believe, just keep listening to what the media and everyone hears says about me and my family, I don't mind. But, if want to know the truth, I'm willing to tell you," Calypso honestly said.
"Why would you tell me this?"
And she stopped for a moment. Her mum had said that Blacks kept secrets to themselves for no one else to know. That every secret was taken to their death and no one outside of the family could know, but Calypso was not her mother. She did not like secrets and she didn't like keeping them. They wore her down and she couldn't, just couldn't, hold it all in.
Unlike her mother, she wasn't strong in that way. She couldn't keep quiet and hold her neck up and look proud through it all, she wanted to tell the truth. She wanted to be free. Secrets didn't trap Remelda, but they trapped Calypso. Remelda was trapped by her family, her parents, she was trapped by 12 Grimmauld Place and Death Eaters, and Calypso was trapped by secrets. She was trapped by something that she could never be free from.
While her mother left the Black family with a broken crown, Calypso could never leave herself. She was a secret; her counterpart, who was on the full moon, was a secret. A trap. She could never truly be free for a moment in her life, and that was something she had come to terms with. But she could lighten the load. She could give up secrets and stop pretending with at least one other person.
"Because I want to be free," Calypso confessed, the first time in her life, "I want to stop hiding."
But she never would. That was the worst part. Even with her confession in the air between herself and Lee, it would never come true. She could never stop hiding because people still hated who she was. A werewolf. A monster on the nights of full moons, a creature who only looked to harm. Even if that meant herself. She could never be free from the curse until the day she died...and then, and then she would be free. In death, she would get her wish. Until then, she would forever be trapped.
Lee pursed his lips, "I can't."
"That's okay," Calypso nodded, even if everything inside her crumbled. She could be free, only if he accepted because she would never force this weight, this burden, on someone unwilling. She wouldn't. Because she wasn't her grandparents; she was Calypso Hope Black. "Anyways, it's late. We should probably be heading back, right?"
He nodded and she was glad he didn't call her insane or anything. The two walked back in silence, going up to the Gryffindor tower only to find a crowd of people gathered.
"What the fuck?" Lee whispered to her, but she was no help with her own confused expression.
Calypso stood up on her tiptoes to see what everyone was staring at, glad that her ears were better than most. She could hear chattering about the Fat Lady being missing and she gasped causing Lee to look at her with a confused expression. "What?" he asked.
"The Fat Lady!" Calypso exclaimed, looking at him with wide eyes, "She's gone!"
"What do you mean she's gone? Where would she go? What happened?" Lee fired the questions and she shook her head.
"Let me through, please. Excuse me, thank you, I'm Head Boy..." Percy Weasley's booming voice was heard. Both Calypso and Lee perked. "Back! All of you! No one is to enter this dormitory until it has been fully searched!"
The two friends gave skeptical looks at each other. Calypso pushed forward to see the Weasley twins and Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron, and Ginny gathered.
"Hey!" Lee called after her only to repeat the phrase to the twins, "What's happening?"
"Look!" the twins said in unison, directing their attention to the portrait which was empty with vicious slashes decorating it. Calypso's heart stopped.
"Mr. Filch," Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere, scaring the group, "Round up the ghosts. Tell them to search every painting in the castle for the Fat Lady."
But there was a scream. Everyone looked in the direction from which it came from, Calypso wincing at the loudness of it. There, in another portrait, was the Fat Lady cowering in fear. She was trembling and looked utterly pitiful.
"Dear lady. Who did this to you?" Dumbledore calmly asked, yet his tone lacked empathy.
"Eyes like the devil he's got. And a soul as dark as his name. It was him, Headmaster," Calypso knew of who the Fat Lady spoke of and she hated it, "The one they talk about. He's here. Somewhere in the castle. Sirius Black."
Chatter roared between the students and the group around Calypso looked at her accusingly. "Did you know about this?" Hermione was the first to ask, eyes flashing in anger.
"No...of course not! Why would I know anything about this?" Calypso exclaimed, defending herself at the outrageous question.
"He's your uncle and you've never been friends with Harry, so why would you care if anything happened to him?" Ron added.
"Yeah, I'm not friends with Harry, but neither are more than half of the people at this school! Merlin, I'm not my uncle...I'm not a murderer," and he wasn't either.
But why was he there? Why would he try to get inside the tower? Peter. The rat – Ron's rat. He was trying to kill that little fucking rat.
"Just be glad that he didn't get in and that Harry wasn't in there," Hermione said, "because if he was there, I would be the one to jail you first."
"For what? A suspicion? A guess? You have no evidence, Hermione Granger, so you can't jail me," Calypso said, "And to think, I thought you were the smart one of this little group."
She added the last part as a sneer, watching the shocked and pained expression fall onto Hermione's face at the jab. And in some part of her there was a sick satisfaction at it. Immediately, though, the satisfaction turned to disgust for herself. How could she be so happy to hurt other people?
Hermione, Ron, and Harry turned and left, as did the twins. Lee watched them before turning back to Calypso. "You really think your uncle's a good man?"
Calypso sighed, "It's complicated. But believe me, he wasn't trying to kill Harry. He was...trying to get someone else."
"Is that supposed to make me feel any better?" Lee questioned her, standing a bit off to the side.
She nodded. "A bit. It would really help if you knew the full story, but I'm not going to tell you if you don't want to know."
Lee looked off into the distance where the twins were talking with Percy. It seemed as if he were having an internal battle over the issue. Finally, with a sigh, he looked back at her. "Calypso, I can't. He's not a good man, stop trying to defend him."
Then he walked away, leaving Calypso alone. It wasn't for very long, seeing as her dad came up with a worried expression on his face. "Are you okay?" he asked her upon getting close.
Calypso smiled. "Fine, dad, really. I didn't see him and no one got hurt," she informed, "It's just...well, a lot's happened in the past week."
"Like what?" Remus asked as the two began to walk towards the Great Hall where the Gryffindor students would be staying for the night.
"Well, you see, I've kinda lost half my friend group for the time being, so that's great. And Hermione Granger has it in her mind I'm helping Uncle Pads kill Harry," Calypso complained.
Remus nodded. "What happened with your friends?"
Calypso groaned at that, "I don't even know. Angelina's ignoring me and Cho's just gone with her as Birdie's saying she just needs to time to think about something. It's all stupid and I hate it. And then Lee's probably going to distance himself after tonight."
"I'm sorry," Remus said, a grave expression on his face as he said next, "Losing your friends can be hard. Hopefully, it won't be forever." The like mine was left silent but still present in the air.
She gulped. "I'm sorry, dad, I didn't mean for any of this to, well, relate to that," Calypso apologized but he just shook his head.
"No matter. Sweet dreams, star," he gave her a kiss on the head and she shut her eyes, frustrated. So much was having in such little time and it felt like every chance she had to breathe was taken away from her.
More than anything, more than trying to talk to her friends or persuade Lee not to leave her, she needed to talk to Sirius. He was stupid and careless, reckless without an actual plan and now look where he was ending up...
Calypso needed to talk to him, but that could wait for morning. She was tired and there was no visible way she could see herself sneaking up to the sixth floor and then back down without anyone noticing her. Especially her dad, since teachers – including him – were stationed to look over the students for the night as others searched the Gryffindor dorms.
She could see Angelina in the distance, in her pajamas ready to get into the sleeping bag provided. Calypso sighed. She didn't look effected by any of this at all, not like her. Angelina looked so effortlessly perfect in that moment and Calypso wished they were speaking so that she could gain some comfort from the whole ordeal, but they weren't. And she didn't know why.
Calypso got into her own sleeping bag, turning over and away from Angelina's direction. She shut her eyes but sleep didn't come easily. But soon enough, the world faded.
― 🌙 ―
"What the fuck were you thinking?" Calypso exclaimed as soon as the door to the Room of Requirement closed. She stormed into the room where Sirius was lounging on the couch and looked at him with blazing eyes.
He sighed, "Calypso, I had to."
"No, no you didn't. That was so idiotic of you, just to try and get in and then kill Peter without anyone noticing – and you did after dinner, not even before students weren't allowed to wander the halls in anymore. What were you thinking? Did you think you could just get in and out without anyone noticing at that hour?" Calypso fired.
"I wasn't thinking – it didn't matter. I just, I just had to get Peter no matter what," Sirius said, "Look, why does it matter anyways?"
She scoffed, "Maybe because I'm the one who has to pay for your antics. Maybe because everyone knows you're my uncle and that means they all think I was the one who helped you last night. While you're safe in here, I'm out there with everyone glaring at me and whispering about it. I'm the one who has to pay for everything you do, but not only that. If you're caught, you're going back to Azkaban – you could get the Dementor's Kiss!"
Sirius looked at her with stone cold eyes, "I don't care about that."
Calypso could see how much he didn't care about death in his eyes. Nothing mattered, no cost mattered to him. "Well I do. You're my uncle and I barely know you. I want to be able to have a relationship with you that isn't based on the stories mum tells me. Mum cares. Aunt Nadia cares, even if she doesn't want to admit it. We care even if you don't. So you can't just leave us."
She didn't wait for anything else. She was overheating from the conversation. Calypso couldn't think, everything was just so red like it was right before she transformed. She couldn't handle it.
So, she left.
― 🌙 ―
Calypso felt close to tears as she sat, curled in a ball, on Birdie's bed. She was hurt because Sirius didn't care about it. All he cared was killing Peter and keeping Harry safe, it seemed. He didn't care about her – his own niece. She shouldn't call him Uncle Pads, he didn't deserve the title.
Birdie held her tightly as she collapsed gently in the Bishop's girl arms. "Oh, hun, what happened?" her gentle voice asked. And, like a damn building up water, she let the tears fall. Everything that hurt, everything that had happened, falling out in the form of tears.
"What did I do to make the universe hate me?" Calypso whimpered, holding onto Birdie as if she were an anchor. But she was; she was Calypso's anchor.
"The universe doesn't hate you," Birdie comforted her.
"Yes, it does. Merlin, it hates me more than anything else because why else would all of this have happened?" Calypso cried, "Angelina's gone, so is Cho. They just left. I need them more than ever and they just left – and on Halloween! Birdie, why does everyone leave that day?"
"I don't know," she tightened her grip, anchoring Calypso more, "I don't know."
"And – and Sirius just goes and tries to get into the Gryffindor tower. God, he's just so reckless and I hate it. I hate that he doesn't care, like he doesn't care that everyone hates me as long as he gets what he wants. I hate it," Calypso cried harder.
Birdie, even though she didn't understand, just held the girl tighter. She didn't say anything, didn't ask why Calypso was campaigning for Sirius or how she knew that he didn't care. Why she talked about him as if he were the victim, as if he were the good guy. Birdie just held there. Birdie stayed there. While everyone else walked away, Birdie stayed there.
And for Calypso, that was enough.