During this chapter, you are going to have to listen to the song A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope.
Great song. Great chapter. Enjoy.
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Chapter 63
(Kat's POV)
"Kat," Alex, my boss, said to me.
I turned my head from the on air pod in front of me to look at him. I smiled the best I could and said, "yeah?"
He held out a piece of paper towards me and said, "before you go on, would you mind dropping this off next door to Caroline's? Tell her that she needs to sign it."
"No," I immediately replied. I couldn't go see Zayn, I would lose it. I hadn't even recovered yet, and by my sudden loss of weight, I think he'd be able to tell something was wrong. He knew me better than anyone ever did.
Alex looked at me strangely, and out of instanct, I reached down and tugged my sleeve. "Please? It'll only take a second."
I looked at him and sighed. Even though I knew Zayn was going to be there, I extended my hand out and took the paper from his hand. He grinned and said, "thank you!"
I didn't reply, instead I turned around and began to walk towards the door. I took in a deep breath, there was no way that I could've dodged Zayn. And even if I was lucky enough to, I would probably see him again at the end of his shift because we leave at the same time. So it was a lose-lose situation for me.
I took a deep breath as I entered Caroline's store. Surprisingly, the place was packed. But even so, I noticed Zayn among all people. He hadn't seen me yet, he was looking down at his piano. Still, my heart ached as I saw him. He looked perfect, as always. He probably wasn't feeling as much pain as I was. And who could blame him, I was a pretty hateable person.
Maybe I could blend in with the people and Zayn wouldn't notice me.
So I looked down, and walked back towards Caroline's office. Just as I was about to go in, I noticed a line of people waiting outside the door. Each of them had the same paper in their hand as I did. So I had to wait, just great.
I turned to the end of the line, and stood. I sighed, leaning against the wall, then looked up. And there Zayn was, staring right at me. I stared back, of course, because I had no option. He was still the Zayn with the hypnotic hazel eyes.
Tears formed in my eyes as he began walking towards me. I shut my eyes, hoping he'd go away. I couldn't talk to him, it was too much for me to handle. I would've broke down in front of all these people. That couldn't happen.
I finally opened my eyes when I heard Caroline's voice say, "I'm so sorry that I'm making you all wait. I will be with you all very soon. And Zayn, what are you doing? Go back to work."
I opened my mouth to yell at Caroline. She can't talk to Zayn like he was a slave. But then I remembered that I wasn't talking to Zayn, and Caroline can't see us together. She walked back into her office, not noticing me. I shut my mouth and turned back to see Zayn smile weakly at me, as if he knew what I was thinking. But I just wiped my tears with the back of my hand, trying not to pay attention to him as he went back to his piano.
When he sat down, he shut his eyes. I took this as an advantage to stare at him, making my heart weaker than it already was. I fought back my tears, not now.
He hurt me.
I watched as he started to play keys on his piano. "A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together."
His familiar voice rang in my mind, hitting straight at my heart. Tears pooled out of my eyes. This was the same voice that promised me that everything was going to be okay. The same voice that told me that Zayn loved me. The same voice that yelled at me.
"It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most." He opened his eyes and they locked with mine, "cause you are my heaven."
I quickly wiped the tears from eyes, standing tall. The woman beside me noticed me crying but didn't say anything, as if she already knew everything. There were a few girls who were focused completely on Zayn, making me feel defensive. But what was I? I was Zayn's nobody.
I was Zayn's past.
"I don't want to waste the weekend. If you don't love me, pretend a few more hours, then it's time to go."
I couldn't do this. A lot of eyes were on me as Zayn sung directly at me, but I didn't care. All that made me cry was Zayn and his stare.
"It's too late to cry. Too broken to bond."
Tears ran down my cheeks as his voice rang through my head. I tried to look away from him, I tried so hard, but I couldn't. His eyes were my air at that moment.
"And still I can't let you be. Most nights I hardly sleep." He shook his head at me. "Don't take what you don't need from me."
I wondered for a second if that was true. Was he really not getting sleep because of me? If that was true, I couldn't forgive myself. He deserved happiness, I couldn't take it away from him. Even if he did take mine.
"It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven."
That's when I broke down. Eyes were on me. I was getting strange looks. I couldn't stay here anymore. Not because of them, but because of Zayn.
I began walking across the room. I couldn't leave without giving Caroline the papers, but I couldn't stand in front of Zayn anymore. I would hide in the restroom.
I began to walk across Zayn's piano, but he grabbed my hand. I caught my breath, not wanting to make a scene in front of all these people. And he knew that, that's why he did this. He stood up to face me, he was so close.
"Misplaced trust and old friends. Never counting regrets. By the grace of God, I do not rest at all." He sung, the mic on his face being able to say his words to everyone. But he spoke only to me.
Without thinking, I brought my hand up to rest on the side of his face, to check if he was actually there. I hadn't touched him for a very long time, and as soon as I did, strength was poured into every part of my body. He reached up and brushed the tears from my face. As soon as his fingers touched me, I crippled.
He hurt me, I reminded myself.
But I didn't move, because I was unable to. He had me paralyzed as he continued to sing. "I was a boy who loved a woman like a little girl."
His lips were so close to mine, all I wanted to do was to kiss him. I knew that he would give me the strength that I had lost. He was still here for me.
But those were the lips he used to kiss Carlee.
And I had used my lips to kiss Jack.
I immediately realized what I was doing and pulled back. He flinched, but knew it was coming. But he didn't stop singing, his words were still for me.
"It's just a drop in the ocean. A change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together."
I ran into the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror and leaning on the sink. I stared at myself. How could he have ever loved someone like me? I was a disgusting person. I deserved to be nothing but hated.
His voice was still heard from where I was standing, causing me to sob harder. The voice that was once my remedy was now my poison.
"Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore."
He kept singing, until I heard a crack in his voice. His voice became soft and low, making my heart jump a beat.
"Heaven doesn't seem far away."
That's when I realized he was crying. In front if all those people. Because of me.
I wanted so badly to go to him and embrace, reassuring him that everything will be okay. But I couldn't. Not this time. If I saw him then I would break down and so would he. He was still my everything, and I was afraid that I was the same for him.
I looked up in the mirror and saw myself. Bags under my eyes, my hair was a mess, exhaustion showing on my face. Then I wonder, how can a person hate themselves this much like I hate myself? I made the same mistake twice, except this time, real love was involved and not oh-shit-I'm-going-to-jail-I-love-you type of love.
Fuck love. Fuck these papers. Fuck happiness. Fuck everything. I'm done.
I got out of the bathroom, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. I tried not to look at Zayn, but my eyes fell on him. He was surrounded by a crowd full of people, Louis right by his side. Louis looked at me for help, but I couldn't do anything today.
I reached the door when I heard Zayn finish the song by saying, "you are my heaven."
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