I raise my head as someone knocks on my door. I look out the window and see that the sun has just risen over the trees, I've been laying here all night. Another knock is heard and I force myself to get up answer it. I assume it's Faervel coming to tell me that I need to move on with my life and brace myself for a lecture. I open the door and sigh in relief, it's not Faervel.
"May I come in?" Pallando asks.
"Be my guest." I stand aside to let him enter. Once he's inside I close the door.
"How are you feeling Amarth? You've had me worried all night, I wanted to go to you sooner but Faervel told us not to disturb you." Pallando stands up against a wall, his blue-grey eyes staring at me in concern.
"Faervel always seems to know what's best," I mutter under my breath. Pallando is still waiting for an answer, but one of my favorite things about him is that he will never rush anyone when talking. He will wait as long as he has to.
What should I tell him though? That my long lost sister whom I thought to be dead who is actually dead and has returned as a "feä" and was once close friends with my almost enemy who is also dead and mostly responsible for her death?
That's exactly what I tell him.
Pallando nods slowly, processing what I just said.
"I must admit Amarth, I am slightly confused as to why you are upset about this. Your sister has returned to you, and a friend of yours-"
"Acquaintance," I interject.
"Of course, your sister and an acquaintance of yours have both returned to you. Isn't this a good thing?"
"How can it be a good thing when they're both dead?" I sit down on my bed and let my head fall into my hands. "I left Anna in Mirkwood so that she wouldn't die and what happens? Legolas gets her killed! All those days spent with him and having no idea that he had known my sister, why? Because I didn't remember her then! It wasn't until Alatar died that I remembered Anna, and even then I didn't think to ask Legolas if he knew anything about her. Now I know the truth and I don't know what to do!"
Pallando watches me in silence, I don't have to look at him to know that he's staring at me. He sighs and I can hear his robes shuffling as he comes towards me. He sits down on the bed but not to where he's close to me. He always knows when I need my own space.
"What do you mean that you left Anna in Mirkwood?" He asks. "And why does she claim to have been killed by men, but Legolas says that she was killed by an orc?"
I sigh and lift my head up out of my hands. I never told Pallando about Anna, or what I did to her. As long as I'm confessing my deepest, darkest secrets I might as well tell him the truth.
"Anna was almost killed by men," my chest tightens as I remember her screams, "they wanted revenge for what I had done to them, so they hurt Anna. They left her alive but I lacked the skill to heal her and I was afraid that the men would come back to finish her. So I decided to bring her to Mirkwood, we'd been living close by and I knew from you that elves lived there."
My breath catches in my throat, I dig my fingers into my knees. I still haven't forgiven myself for this.
"I left her where I knew she would be found, and as if abandoning her in a strange place wasn't enough, I took away her memories. Everything she was, everything that I loved about her, I stole. Then I left her behind and do you know what I did next? I gave in to the darkness. I let it consume me, change me, I did not care about anything or anyone. Because I abandoned Anna I lost everything. It's my fault, all of it is my fault!"
Pallando puts his hand on my shoulder but I pull away. I don't deserve anyone's kindness.
"Amarth, please look at me."
I do as he says. There are no tears in my eyes, only anger.
"Do you not see what you are doing to yourself? You cannot keep blaming yourself for things that are out of your control."
"Oh, but I was in control," I chuckle darkly, "do you want to know how all of this started? How my wife and son were murdered? Why my sister and I became slaves in Rhun? Let me tell you how Pallando, I'm the one who brought the Easterlings. I killed their men and it brought them to us. They destroyed everything and whose fault was it? Mine. If I had just held back none of this would have happened! I wouldn't have brought all of this suffering upon everyone that I cared about! Now look me in the eye and tell me that none of this was my fault!"
Pallando's eyes are wide, I assume he's horrified by what I told him. If he thought I was innocent he was wrong, oh he was so wrong. I started all of this and there is no one else to blame but me.
He sighs and lowers his head, shaking it slightly from side to side.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" He asks. I wasn't expecting that response, but it doesn't take long for me to answer.
"Because I thought that I could forget but I couldn't. That's why I gave in to the darkness, it was the only way that I could truly forget it all. When Alatar was killed and the scar healed all of it came back, I was guilty once again. That's why I started to give in to Daeris, she would let me forget-"
I didn't realize that I had said that last part out loud until it's too late. Everyone assumes that Daeris started to take me by force, that I had been too weak to stop her.
It was a lie.
Yes, I was weak but not in the way they think. Because of those memories, those cursed memories that plagued me every day of my life, the ones I could not live with because of the guilt they wrought, I willingly let Daeris in.
She promised to take them away, I could go back to living without the guilt bearing down on me. I would be free...
Pathetic aren't I? Willing to trade my freedom just so that I could forget again. But what else is one supposed to do when they've spent hundreds of years trying to get rid of their guilt? Who has spent countless nights avoiding sleep because of the memories that would surface? I am tired of fighting, I am tired of this guilt that attacks me constantly.
I will give up my own life to be rid of it.
"Amarth," Pallando's voice is soft and choked with grief. "Why haven't you told me any of this?"
Why isn't he angry? After everything I told him why is he mourning for me?
"All this time," he continues, "you have blamed yourself for all of the terrible things that have happened, and you said nothing? I could have helped you Amarth!"
I shake my head. "No, you couldn't have. There is nothing that can be done to free me of this."
"Except for giving in?" Pallando's voice grows cold, exactly what I wanted. "The darkness will not free you Amarth, it will destroy you! Don't you understand that there is another way?"
"And what way would that be?" I scoff.
"Forgiveness."
What? He can't be serious.
"You must ask for forgiveness Amarth," Pallando insists, "once you have been forgiven you can finally be free of your guilt."
"So you want me to go to every single person I've ever wrong and apologize? That should be easy! All I have to do is find where I left their corpses and ask them to forgive me for killing them for no reason other than that I felt like it! Don't you understand Pallando? I don't ask for forgiveness. Why? Because I don't deserve it!"
"Everyone can be forgiven Amarth, you are no exception."
I laugh and rise to my feet.
"Alright, say that there's a chance that I could be forgiven. Who would I apologize to?"
"You must repent Amarth," Pallando stands up as well and stands beside me, "you cannot go to everyone you wronged and ask for their forgiveness, but you can repent for the crimes you committed against them and never go back to your old ways. Apologize to your sister if you think it is necessary. Finally, you must forgive yourself."
Forgive myself?
Forgive myself?
How can I forgive myself when I don't deserve forgiveness from anyone? Doesn't anyone understand this? I can't be forgiven and I don't expect to be.
Pallando is waiting for me to respond, I know he's hurting for me, and while I appreciate the gesture he's wasting his time. What's the point of grieving for someone who can never change?
"Amarth please, I want to help you."
"I'm sorry Pallando." I stride towards the door and open it, before walking out I look over my shoulder. "But I'm not worth saving."
/\\//\\/
I find everyone sitting or standing in Faervel's dining room. Darovel and Legolas are sitting beside each other talking. Morwen is standing by herself and I quickly turn away. Faervel is speaking with Anna. She must have noticed me because in an instant she's at my side, holding my hand tightly in hers.
"Are you alright?" She asks searching me for anything that could be amiss.
"I'm alright Princess," I kiss her forehead and give her hand a comforting squeeze. I'll do anything to keep her from thinking otherwise.
"We're glad to hear it Amarth," Faervel says inserting himself into our conversation. He just can't mind his own business, can he?
"I don't suppose you saved me any breakfast?" I ask directing the question towards Darovel and Legolas.
"None of us have really eaten," Darovel replies resting his arms on the table. "There's some fruit here if you want some."
There's a large bowl of assorted fruits sitting in the middle of the table. I walk forward with Anna at my side. I pluck an apple from the bowl and sit down, reclining lazily in the chair. Anna sits on the chair to my left.
"What's our plan for today?" I ask taking a bite out of the apple.
"Today," Faervel begins, "we start preparing ourselves for the upcoming battle."
I freeze just as I'm about to take another bite of the fruit. "Battle?"
"Against Daeris. As I said yesterday now is our only chance to defeat her. It will be no easy task either, each one of us must be ready in both mind and body."
"How are we going to do this?" Legolas leans forward in his seat, he almost seems to be trembling in excitement. Why shouldn't he be excited? Legolas has always been a warrior, and he hasn't fought anything for nearly a thousand years.
"Since some of us cannot kill the shadows or Daeris, we will all have to train ourselves in different ways," Faervel turns to Darovel and Morwen, "alone neither of you can do much to harm the shadows. However, Morwen has enough power inside of her to weaken them. During battle the two of you must work together if you want to survive. You cannot kill the shadows but you can certainly cause them pain. For your own safety Darovel, you must remain with someone who can either harm or kill the shadows."
"Which would be you, Morwen, Legolas, and Pallando?" Darovel asks. I glance over at Anna, I guess she has decided not to fight. Of course she wouldn't! I can't even imagine my little sister fighting. I briefly remember Legolas saying that he trained Tauriel how to fight, that she'd wanted to learn. How could my sister have willing wanted such a thing?
"You are forgetting one person Darovel." Faervel smiles slightly, something that he doesn't do often. "Soon, Amarth will be able to kill the shadows as well."
I arch an eyebrow at him, "What do you mean? You already said that I could kill the shadows."
"Actually Amarth, if you attempted to kill a shadow you would be no better off than Darovel or Morwen."
Now that's shocking, Faervel lied to us.
"Then how am I supposed to kill the shadows?" I demand.
Faervel turns towards Legolas and nods his head. I watch as Legolas reaches for the amulet, he pulls it off over his head and holds it out towards me. I stare at the amulet, then glance at Faervel, then back at the amulet.
"Take it Amarth, it's yours." Legolas offers me the amulet again. I take it from his hand, still very confused.
"What does this have to do with anything?" I ask Faervel.
"The amulet will grant you the power to kill the shadows, just as it grants you the power to see into their world."
I stare at the amulet. According to Faervel, there's great power in this small thing. It can give me the power to kill creatures that cannot be killed by any other, what else can it give me? And do I want it?
"What exactly will this do to me?"
"For now, it will allow you to see the true forms of the shadows," Faervel explains. He motions for me to put it on, so I do. The moment I put it on I notice something odd about Legolas. Every time he moves he appears to fade in and out of sight, I cannot focus on him clearly. That's when I remember that the same thing happened when I traveled with him at the beginning. I caught "Ramben" appearing and reappearing during our short time together.
I look over at Anna, the same thing happens with her. Yet when I look at Darovel or skim past Morwen, they stay the same. I look over at Faervel and he smiles but I am not amused in the slightest. It's unsettling looking at someone who looks like a ghost.
Oh wait...
"What do you think Amarth?" Faervel asks.
"I don't see how this is supposed to enable me to kill the shadows. So far all it is doing is giving me a headache."
Faervel chuckles, eyes glittering with amusement. It's odd seeing him like this, I didn't think it was possible for this being to smile much less laugh.
"Do not worry Amarth, I will teach you how to use the amulet. Just as I will teach you all how to fight the shadows. However, I must remind you all that none of you are bound to this task. If any of you wish to leave I will not stop you. I will even see to it that you arrive safely at the borders of the forest. But be warned, once you have made your choice, there will be no going back."
Silence follows his warning. I guess we have all already made up our minds. Anna grabs my hand underneath the table, I squeeze her hand gently. I know she won't fight, but she won't leave me either.
Faervel looks to each of us, his smile fades slightly.
"Very well then, let us begin."
/\\//\\/
Legolas' POV
He ran his hand over the smooth wood, letting his fingers trail over the bowstring. It had been so long since he last held a bow, he could hardly remember the last time he'd used one. He pulled an arrow from his quiver, nocking it and raising the bow. He pulled the arrow back and eyed the target, his eyes as sharp as the arrow he was about to release. The fletching brushed against his cheek, he drew in a breath, his bare arms strained to hold back the string.
He released.
The arrow whistled through the air, hitting the target dead center, Legolas smiled.
I still have it.
He reached for another arrow and repeated the process over and over again, increasing his speed each time, never missing his target. Practicing his archery brought him back to his home, his smile grew as he remembered training with his fellow soldiers, how many had tried and failed to best him with a bow.
How long ago that was...
Recently he found that his memories were becoming more and more bittersweet. Each one served as a reminder that the Middle Earth he had known was gone. His smile faded as he reached for another arrow only to grasp at empty air.
Did I run out already?
Sighing he laid his bow aside and walked over to the target. The problem with having elven eyesight was that you could position the target much farther than a mortal could, therefore he had to walk twice the distance to retrieve his arrows. He'd told Faervel his preferred weapon and he had provided him with a beautiful, silver bow. He loved the silver wood of the trees, he did not bother to ask why the wood was silver on the inside and dark brown on the outside, in a strange way he enjoyed not knowing.
Faervel had given him some information before leaving him to practice his archery. He was told that since he was a feä his senses had been heightened in a way that even surpassed the elves. He was stronger and faster than he'd ever been before, although he had been warned that the shadows would be just as powerful as he was.
He shivered as he reached the target and removed the first arrow. He didn't remember the shadows or being in Oroth's lair, yet the mere mention of it was enough to make him shudder. From what he'd heard Daeris could be far worse than all the enemies he had faced combined. His thoughts turned to Sauron, he removed another arrow from the target.
"Why do you keep resisting? Don't you understand that I only want to help you?"
"Stay away from me!"
He yanked out another arrow.
"You have nothing to fear Legolas, I have not come to harm you."
"No! Don't touch me!"
He tore out a third arrow.
"You would forbid a craftsman from admiring his own creation?"
"I am not yours!"
A fourth one.
A dark laugh emanated from Sauron, his eyes burning like fire.
"You will always be mine Legolas."
He drew closer, Legolas strained against the chains that held him trapped.
"You gave me everything."
Closer.
"Your allegiance."
Closer.
"Your life."
Closer.
"All of it is mine."
He stood over him, watching his struggles in amusement.
"And yet, there is something missing."
He knelt down to where he was eye level with his prisoner. Legolas ceased moving when those eyes froze him in place. Sauron tilted his head to the side, studying him.
"What could it be? What could possibly be missing from my perfect warrior? What has he denied me still?"
Legolas' heart was pounding in his chest, a tear fell from his eye. He wanted to run but he could do nothing, he was helpless.
"Ah! Now I know what it is."
He reached and brushed away the tear, letting his cold hand rest against Legolas' cheek.
"I had to force you to give me those things Legolas. Through violence and torture, you gave me all that I asked for, just to stop the pain."
His hand moved down to Legolas' neck, he gently forced his head up.
"I don't want to force you into serving me, I want you to do it willingly."
Legolas' breathing quickened as Sauron's other hand stroked his hair. Every small, tentative gesture made him want to scream. Swords he could deflect, orcs he could kill, but he could not push the hands away.
"Think about it Legolas. Instead of being my prisoner, you could be my second in command. You would never be harmed again, legions of orcs would be at your beck and call, everything you could ever want would be yours. I have told you this before, so why do you still resist?"
He said nothing in response, he couldn't even if he had wanted to. Sauron smiled and suddenly the chains that had been holding him vanished. The moment he tried to run Sauron was there, blocking his path.
"I know you think of me as cruel Legolas," his voice was calm and gentle, almost soothing. Still, Legolas backed away from him. "And I can understand why. I took you from your home and allowed you to suffer at the hands of my servants, but all of it was done to help you Legolas. To save you."
His back hit the wall, he glanced fearfully from left to right, there was no escape. What was Sauron talking about?
"Save me from what?" he ventured.
Sauron stood over him once again, his smile remained but sorrow had filled his eyes.
"You've always had so much potential. You have proven your skill in combat and have become one of the greatest warriors to ever walk the earth. Why would I do this? Because I know first hand what kind of evil lurks in Middle Earth, and you would have never been able to face it on your own. You'd be slaughtered, another elven corpse left to rot. I could not just stand by and let that happen."
Legolas flinched as cold fingers brushed over his ear.
"If I had left you in Mirkwood, you would have never been able to reach your full potential. You would be killed and be forced to abandon this earth forever. Do you want to know why? Because of your father. Thranduil was blind to what he had before him, he failed to see that his greatest treasure was not his kingdom nor any riches he possessed, it was you."
A lump formed in Legolas' throat and he tried once more to move away from Sauron, but it was as if he were frozen.
"You are special Legolas, more valuable than all the treasures in the earth. I saw your worth from the beginning, but Thranduil? Your own father thinks you are worthless, nothing. He does not care about you. If he truly loved you then why has he not come searching for you? Why does he remain locked away in his palace while his son is lost?"
Lies. Every word was a lie. Legolas tried to convince himself of this, but doubt had wormed its way into his mind. What if it was true?
"All your life you have only ever sought out one thing; love. To be accepted, cherished, you desire nothing more than to win your father's love but that is just it Legolas. You should not have to earn Thranduil's love, he should have loved you from the start, just as he loves your brother without fail."
A jolt nearly knocked Legolas onto the floor. He was right, everything Sauron said was true. About himself, about his father...
Another tear fell from his eye, not of helplessness, but of grief. His father didn't love him, he never had and he never would.
His body stiffened when he felt arms being wrapped around him.
"I can give you that Legolas," Sauron murmured pulling the young elf close, "I can give you the love that you so desperately long for. You are still young, too young to continue being raised without a father, a real father. Isn't that what you want?"
A hand stroked his hair once again, no longer taunting but soft and comforting. The arms around him were strong and held him gently. Legolas soon found himself leaning against Sauron's chest, he relaxed and allowed himself to be held. His father had never held him like this, not once had he ever shown him any gentleness. Was it wrong for him to desire this? It couldn't be! He should just give in, it wouldn't be hard.
The words repeated over and over again in his mind; give in.
Just give in...
An alarm screamed in his mind, horror washed over him. What was he doing?! He shoved himself out of Sauron's arms and fell back against the wall. Sauron looked down at him, confusion in his eyes. Legolas met his gaze with a cold glare.
"Penig 'ûr!" he spat.
Sauron was silent for a moment. Legolas attempted to slow down his rapid breathing. A low, dark laugh sounded from Sauron, a cruel grin appeared on his face.
"You know me too well Legolas," the laughter subsided and all traces of amusement fled Sauron's face, "but you just made a grave mistake."
His hand closed around Legolas' neck. He had no time to draw in a breath before his air was cut off. Sauron raised him off the floor, his eyes burning with rage. He tightened his hold on the elf, ignoring his pitiful attempts to free himself.
"I have given you more than enough chances to serve me willingly, this was your last one."
Legolas clawed at the hand around his neck, black danced at the edge of his vision. He felt himself being pulled forward, cold lips brushed against his ear. "You say I am heartless? You have seen nothing yet, my little elfling."
Sauron released him, throwing Legolas onto the floor. His eyes flooded with fear as the Dark Lord towered overhead, his hands reaching for him.
Legolas screamed.
"Legolas?"
In a flash, he had his bow out, an arrow aimed at the person in front of him. His eyes widened when he saw Anna standing in front of him, her green eyes locked on the arrow that was inches from her face. With shaking hands he lowered the bow. His heart was still hammering against his chest as the last traces of the memory faded from his mind.
Anna was staring at him. Her body tense but her eyes soft.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."
Legolas waved his hand dismissively, returning the arrow to its quiver. "It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have let myself become distracted."
"You looked afraid," Anna continued, "I wanted to make sure that you were alright."
He winced when he felt a phantom hand on his shoulder.
It's not real, it is only a memory. You have nothing to fear now.
"I am fine Tauriel, honest." Legolas froze as the name escaped his lips. Anna seemed just as startled and quickly averted her gaze. He wanted to apologize but how could he? Every time he looked at Anna he saw her, his Tauriel. He knew it was her, his very soul was drawn to her. Whenever they were apart the longings came, pulling him towards her. The only time the longing stopped was when they were close together.
Just as we are now...
Was that why she was here? Did she feel the same longing that he did? Legolas glanced up, his eyes meeting hers. For a brief moment they stood still, alone in a world where time did not exist. Hope fluttered inside of Legolas' chest. Had she finally remembered him? Anna blinked once and turned away.
"Are you sure that you're alright? You were trembling." She didn't meet his gaze as she spoke. Legolas noted how quickly she had changed the subject, and how she tucked a strand of hair behind her left ear.
Tauriel used to do the same thing...
He gave himself a little shake before he allowed himself to become lost in his thoughts.
"I was just having a memory," he adjusted the quiver on his back and tried his best to appear casual, "Faervel warned me that even without the amulet I may still fall into several strong memories every now and then. It will not last forever though, the effects of the amulet simply need to wear off."
"Are they all bad memories?" She asked.
"Most of them are," he paused for a moment and smiled, "but there are good memories, and they help me get through the dark ones. They remind me that not all is evil, there is still light in this world."
Anna allowed herself a shy grin. She glanced up at him again while playing with her fingers.
"I wanted to ask you, how did you and Caran meet?"
Legolas cocked his head to the side slightly confused. Caran? Then it hit him, Caran was Amarth, and Amarth was Anna's brother.
He hadn't truly thought about that until now. Yes, he'd heard Anna call Amarth that, but his mind had been overrun by his returning memories that the realization hadn't sunk in yet. Tauriel was Amarth's sister. His love the sister of his almost sworn enemy.
Just when I'd thought my life was finally going to start making sense....
Anna was waiting for an answer and his thoughts traveled back to Mordor, after Sauron had taken him again.
When he'd met Amarth then the Avari had been cruel and twisted, caring for nothing but himself. It was obvious from what he'd seen that Anna loved her brother, and Amarth was fiercely protective of his sister.
"Amarth and I were prisoners of Sauron, a Dark Lord who enslaved Middle Earth during the Third Age." He decided that it would do Anna no good for her to learn of Amarth's past crimes. Besides, he had been Sauron's prisoner, so it wasn't as if he were lying to her. Anna nodded her head slowly, her gaze thoughtful.
"I heard Faervel mention Sauron, he sounds like a terrible person."
You have no idea...
He suppressed a shudder and nodded instead. Hoping that Anna wouldn't ask about him anymore.
"How did you and Caran escape?"
Legolas' mind raced to come up with another answer. He had been set free and had spared Amarth's life during the battle in Mordor, what should he tell her?
"We escaped him after he was defeated." Again, not a lie. Neither had truly escaped Sauron until after he was killed.
"What happened to Caran afterwards? And if I may, why does everyone call him Amarth?"
"Your brother journeyed east and I eventually sailed west as you already know. As for his name I never knew that he had another name. I've always known him as Amarth and it is the name he goes by. I wish I could give you an answer but that is something only he can do."
Anna's gaze darkened slightly causing Legolas to become worried.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"It's just... he's changed so much. He began to turn down a dark path and I tried to lead him back. I'm afraid that he gave in after I died." Tears were forming in her eyes, Legolas wanted nothing more than to reach out and wipe them away. He wanted to hold her in his arms and assure her that everything would be alright, that he would be there to protect her.
But I wasn't able to protect her. It was when she needed me the most that I failed....
Unable to stop himself he reached out and took her hand. The moment their hands touched something flashed before their eyes, a memory.
He was holding her hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. She squeezed his hand in return, her red hair blowing in the breeze. She looked at him with piercing green eyes, before them lay an unknown fate, and both were afraid.
"We'll be alright Legolas," she whispered. He turned to face her, his blue eyes soft.
"Hannon le Tauriel."
The memory faded as the two broke apart. Legolas' entire body was trembling, not from fear but from excitement, though he was slightly startled by what had just happened. Anna, however, was not faring well. Her eyes were wide with terror, her lips parted as strangled gasps escaped her lips. She staggered away from him, reminding Legolas of a frightened animal.
"Anna, I didn't mean for-"
"Please," Anna interjected, "just stay away from me Legolas."
Briskly she made her way out of the clearing.
"Anna wait!" He started after her but was stopped when she turned around.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this! I am not who you think I am!"
But you are! Why can't you see it?
He longed to say those words aloud but she was already gone and he did not wish to upset her more. Legolas' head was spinning. He couldn't think clearly. He had no doubt that she had seen the memory. Somehow touching each other triggered a memory. Could any memory of theirs come, or would it only bring memories that they shared? He needed to find out more about this, but he couldn't just corner Anna and grab her hand again.
Perhaps Faervel can tell me, he seems to know a lot about this sort of thing.
There were also questions about Anna that he wanted to know. Why did she think that men killed her? If she was Amarth's sister how did she come to be in Mirkwood? Why hadn't Tauriel been able to remember her brother?
Making up his mind Legolas set off to find Faervel and Amarth.
It was his turn to get some answers.