I stare at Henry on the phone in the hallway, watching as his hand rubs his temples. He's talking in a panic, I know it. The doctor is silently checking my pulse, preparing for this terrifying surgery.
"Doctor," I whisper, not taking my eyes off of Henry.
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Am... I going to survive this?" When he doesn't answer right away, I look at him. He smiles, touching my hand.
"You need to rest. You will be fine. You have the best doctors here to perform this operation."
I cough and feel sharp pain in my throat. "That's... a bullshit answer... and you know it."
"I need you entering this surgery with a clear mind, Mia. Try to not think of the worst."
I grab his hand and he looks startled. "Please, Doctor Overton. Tell me what my chances are." I struggle for breath without my mask, glancing at Henry who's not in the hallway anymore. I'm close to tears. "I have a son. A husband. I... need to know- what kind of goodbye I need to say. If the chance is slim that I will live... I want to be able to go into this- knowing I told him everything I needed to."
"Mia."
"Please," I beg, firmly. "I am calm. I just- want to know."
He looks down. "I will remind you again that you have the best doctors here to perform this surgery, firstly and that there is a chance you will come out of this." He clears his throat. "But... you should say everything you feel you need to."
I stare at him, still as stone.
"People who have gone through what- your body has, people who are as ill as you, as weak as your body already currently is, research says you have a 90% chance of-"
"Of what?"
"Not surviving, ma'am," he whispers, as if it pains him to say it.
That means I only have a 10% chance of making it out of this alive. I blink in shock, trembling but nod. "T-Thank you for- telling me."
"I will do everything humanly possible to ensure you see your family again. I promise, I will not give up until I have taken advantage of every opportunity to save you."
My tears are thick as I force a nod. I swallow, with difficulty, hating the never ending pressure on my chest.
"Doctor?" I ask, before he leaves. He turns, brows raised.
"Could... you bring me a pen and some paper, please?"
He nods, with a small smile. "Right away."
...
I'm literally paralyzed with fear as I watch Mia kissing Alexander's hair, closing her eyes tightly. I can tell even through the window that she's crying. I hate that. I just want to tell her that she's going to be okay.
That there is no way in hell that she can die. I won't let her die. I won't let her leave me. She can't.
But the way she's looking at Alexander makes me feel helpless. Ida is trying to hide her fear as I am, trying to keep Mia positive. And what is strange is she actually is positive. She's smiling. She's completely calm.
I don't know if I should be glad or terribly frightened.
...
My eyes follow Henry's body as he paces outside the room. He thinks I can't see him since the curtains are closed, but there is a small opening. And every five seconds, he passes by, his brows curved in thought.
My gaze shift to the letters beside my thigh, all of them addressed to Alexander. They are for various moments in his life, significant moments that I'd want to be there for. There's only one addressed to Henry, it was the hardest one to write.
I can't seem to come to terms with the fact that I may be about to die. That I may never see the blue sky again or run through the grass barefoot. That I may have just held my son for the last time. That when Henry walks into this room, it will probably be the last time I speak to him.
I feel unprepared to die. But I guess most never do.
I do feel content though, I feel content with what I have.
I've had a love that champions even the most daring love stories. I've felt the magic of holding my son for the first time, seeing him smile for the first time. I've had so much sadness, but that pales to the light Henry has given me.
And I need him to know that.
He opens the door, only moments after I think just that, smiling hesitantly.
"Twenty minutes," he states. I take down my mask, holding my hand out against the mattress. He seems to shuffle where he is for a moment, visibly terrified but eventually comes to me, sitting down at the chair beside the bed.
He kisses my hand, his lips hard against my knuckles. He kisses my hand repeatedly, breathing in deeply. I notice the water in his eyes then as he stares ahead, unable to look at me.
"Henry," I whisper.
"No," he says, shaking his head. I smile.
"Look- at me."
His eyes flicker to mine, reluctantly. I squeeze his hand with what little strength I have.
"I want to say thank you," I whisper, hoarsely. I feel pain everytime I speak. His eyes seem to widen. He stands up in a rush, shaking his head. He knows what I'm doing.
"No, Mia. You're not doing this. You're not saying goodbye."
I implore him with my eyes. I know that my body is weak. I can feel the weakness of my heart. "I have to. Henry- there is... a good chance I won't live through this."
"You will!" he exclaims, eyes wide. He's nearly hyperventilating.
"I can see- by your eyes that... you know I probably won't either... let me say what I need to."
"No, Mia," he utters, deep, closing his eyes. "Please."
"Come here," I whisper, coughing. "Come."
He raises his hand to his face, covering it. He's falling apart. He nods and walks to me, sitting back down. He takes my hand and I hear him swallow.
"I can't say a lot... I can't say everything I want to but... I have to t-tell you what you mean to me. Because I'm n-not dumb. I know what we have isn't normal. Isn't usual..."
He shakes his head, biting down on his lower lip. "No, it's not."
"I-I keep thinking about w-when we first met," I laugh, breathlessly, "when we drove all night, listening to music and waking at d-dawn in our place... in the middle of nowhere. We had no idea where we were going to go... what we would be to each other."
I begin to lose my cool facade as I watch him look down, trying to calm himself. "You have given me everything I could have ever wanted. You've made sacrifices for us that only p-prove further to me that... you are one hell of man, Henry... and you are going to be one hell of a king."
He sounds gutted then, pressing my hand to his face. He can't look at me.
"You- you have brought me such light, baby," I whisper when he finally looks back at me, his face controrted in pain. "You have brought s-so much happiness to my life. And I would do this- all again, every bit of it because the reward o-of being loved by you is so great."
I try to breathe, grabbing my mask. I inhale into it, wheezing for a moment before I let it go, reaching down for the letters. When he sees them, he lets out a sound of reluctance.
"In case I don't get to be there... while he grows up," I state, falling quickly apart. I bite my trembling lip, resting them in front of him. "There... is one for you too."
Henry's lips press to my palm, my wrist, my forearm. He refuses to grab them.
"P-Promise me you'll always put Alexander before the crown, no matter who tells you not to," I whisper, swallowing. "Promise me you'll teaching him to swim a-and show him how to do his tie. That you'll be there for him when he needs you." I'm dizzy from talking but I push myself harder.
"I promise," Henry whispers, sadly.
"And you won't tell him about John," I add. Henry's eyes meet mine then. It's been a long time since I've said that name. "I- don't want him to know what happened."
Henry nods. "I-I won't but Mia, you're not going to die," he pleads, on the verge of hysterics. "Please, I need you to fight... I need you. I can't be without you."
My broken heart cracks further. Tears make my vision blurry. "I- would always be there, Henry... I'd never leave you."
He closes his eyes and the tears pour down his cheeks. "Mia," he whispers, as if to himself. I rest my other hand over his, so I'm clasping him with both. He looks up.
"I d-don't want you to deny yourself love, Henry," I get out, with difficulty. "I want you to move on... If I don't make it through this, I want you to have someone- someone to be your friend. To be a partner..." My breathing is rough now, and loud. "You deserve to be cherished, to be held and loved. You deserve it more than anyone I know and if that day comes, t-the day when you can see that again," I utter as he lets out a sound, shaking his head, "then I want you to take it. I want you to give yourself to that person and b-be happy. All I want for you is to be happy, Henry."
He stands up, exhaling as he clasps my face. I stare at him wide eyed, watching his face tremble with pain. "Never, Mia. I told you I gave you my heart- all of it when I proposed to you. I gave you myself."
"Henry-"
"I will never love another," he says, sniffling. He presses his forehead to mine. "Never. If the only love I experience was in these years with you, then it will be enough. I would never betray you."
"It w-wouldn't be a betrayal, Henry. It's what I want. It's what I want for you... for Alex."
"Baby, please stop talking like this," Henry begs, softly, pulling back to look at me. I stare at him, mesmerized by his face. By his beauty.
"I love you so much, Henry," I breathe. There's a knock on the window and Henry breaks down, clasping the back of my head as he rests his cheek against my hair. With my face pressed to his throat, I close my eyes, taking in the feel of his arms around me. There's such a finality to this, one that I hadn't thought would be there... but it is.
My body is weak. I feel so much pain I'm almost numb.
He pulls back, crushing his lips to mine. I manage to lift my hand up to feel his soft hair, clasping it as we kiss deeply, emotionally. Our tears combine, slip between our faces. I hear the door open behind us.
I open my eyes as our lips slowly part. I smile softly as his eyes open too, red-rimmed. He caresses my face, lips trembling.
"I didn't get to tell you what you mean to me," he whispers.
I smile tearfully, nodding. "You- don't have to... I know."
I see the doctor and Ivan standing by the door, heads bowed. "Sir, we only have a small window of time. We must get her into surgery now."
Henry nods, standing up, wiping his face. I watch the nurses come in numbers, in scrubs and face masks. They clasp the bed, bringing up the side bars so they can push me out. I feel fear for the first time as they begin to move me. When I'm in the hallway, Henry rushes to my side, grabbing my hand.
Everyone this there. Mrs. Ike with Alex, Ida, Ivan, Angie, Royce. Everyone important to me is here. I smile at them, positively.
My eyes are glued to Alexander in Mrs. Ike's arms. He's sleeping, completely unaware to anything around him. Perhaps it's better that way. I breathe in, looking up at the ceiling as Doctor Overton reapplies the mask to my face.
Henry walks beside the cart, holding my hand as they take me to the surgery wing. He kisses the inside of my palm. "I love you so much, Mia. So much. You're going to be fine. I know it. I know it."
I nod, scared. I thought I'd be calm. I thought when I said my goodbye, I'd be ready. But looking at him, I'm frightened to never see him again.
"I'll see you soon," he breathes as we reach the door. I nod, tearfully.
"See- you soon," I say. I grasp the mask, pulling it down and Henry bends, kissing me gently. I feel the bed move again forward and Henry's lips leave mine. He backs up, letting go of my hand.
We travel through the double doors, into a colder part of the practice.
"Mia, I-I love you! You're going to be alright!" I hear Henry shout, his voice full of panic. I tilt my head back as far as I can, watching him fall to his knees, head bowed, one hand covering his face. Royce is bending down behind him, resting his hand into his shoulder.
I stare for as long as I can, until he's gone.