Dedicated to my beloved uncle, Ben. Rest in peace, I love you.
Louis' POV
I walk out of Sam's office feeling a little better, although I'd never admit it, I feel better when I visit Sam. I still feel these huge urges, though. It's like putting a dog bone right in front of a tied up dog. I just want to feel the cold razor blade cut into my skin again. I know that these are sick thoughts, but I can't help it. I need it. I crave it. Despite my greatest efforts, the boys have not allowed this to happen.
As I get in Zayn's car, I let out a deep sigh, annoyed at the fact that I still want to cut myself. Zayn gives me a small sympathetic smile.
"How was it?" Zayn asks
"It was okay." I say simply
"Do you fell a bit better at least?" He asks hopefully
"Not really." I say
He sighs and says, "Okay buddy, lets go home." He starts the car and takes off.
Except, it's starting to not feel like home. Everyone in the house watches me like I'm fucking crazy and I'm going to break down at any moment and cut myself. Although I don't blame them that much for thinking that, because really, It could be true. I just wish that they would get off my back.
"Uh, Zayn?" I ask
"Yeah?" He says
"Can you drop me off at Lilly's house?" I ask
"Uh, yeah sure, are you going to walk back? Or do you want me to pick you up later?" He asks me
"Nah, I'll walk back. Thanks Zayn. I haven't seen her in a while." I say
Of course I've seen her at school and I text her all the fucking time, but I just want to talk to her for a while. She's my rock. I can tell her anything.
Once we get there I hop out of the car and say bye to Zayn. When he drives off, I knock on Lilly's door.
I wait a while for the door to open and when it does, Lilly is there with some sweat pants and a oversized hoodie.
"Well, you look comfortable." I smile
"Louissssss!" She squeals and gives me a huge and tight hug.
"Lil, we talked literally 3 hours ago!" I laugh and try to pry her off of the bone crushing hug.
"But I haven't hugged you since yesterday!" She giggles
When she does let go I say, "So, what have you been up to?"
"Ah, not much. Just here watching Netflix and going on tumblr, the usual. What about you? The urges? " She asks
I sigh and say, "They're pretty bad Lil. Like I literally want to cut right now."
"Aw Lou. I'm sorry. Wanna talk it out for a while? I know you just came back from Sam's, but you know that you can tell me anything at all right?" She says and it sound perfect.
"Yeah Lilly, I would love to do that." I say and so we go to her room.
For the rest of the day we talk on and on. We talk about anything and everything. From jokes, to the more serious things. It feels so good to just let everything out. I feel safe with Lilly.
After laughing about some terrible joke, I sigh and lean on her shoulder.
"Lilly?" I say
"Yeah?" She asks
"I don't think you know how good of a friend you are. You are my rock. My best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you Lil." I say
"Oh come here you sap." She smiles and pulls me into a hug
"Well, it's almost your curfew. You should get going, or they're gonna tan your bottom!"She laughs
"Hey! That's not funny! It actually hurts! A lot!" I whine
"Actually it's hilarious." She laughs
"Whatever, I gotta go Lilly. This was really cool, we have to do this more often. Don't you think?" I say and she nods.
"Of course! Okay Lou, I'll see ya at school on Monday. I have to go out with my mom for dinner anyway." She says and we hug goodbye.
"You sure you don't want a ride back?" She asks nicely
"Nah I'm good, I like walking. Don't worry, I can take care of myself." I say
"Yeah, but please don't get into any fights, okay?" She pleads
"All I can promise is that I wont start any fights." I say and she sighs
"Okay, bye Louis!" She yells as I run down the street
"Don't call me Louis!!!" I yell back
On my way home I take time to view all the amazing things that most people would miss. Like how big and amazing the trees are. They have fruit too. That would provide so much food for a certain homeless kid I used to know....
Once I'm home I unlock the door and see all the boys watching Psych reruns on the couch.
"Hey, I'm home." I say and they all turn my way
"Oh hey Lou." Harry says
"I'm going up to my room." I say and they either nod or say okay
I sigh as I close my door and jump on my bed. I take out my phone and dial Stan. It rings 3 times before he picks up.
"Hello love!" He says happily
"Hi!" I say
"I missed you today." He says
"I missed you too!" I reply
"So, how are you feeling?" He asks
"I'm okay, good actually. I just spent practically the whole day at Lilly's house. I think it was just what I needed to get my spirit up." I say
"That's great babe! And the urges?" He says
"Still there..." I say sadly
"Aw babe, I wish I was there to hug you." He says
"Well, you could come over and cuddle me!" I say
"Do you know what your brothers would do to me...and you?" He laughs
"Yeah I know...I know. Sometimes, I miss the good old days you know?" I say
"The good old days? As in..." He asks
"No no! Not those days, those were horrible, I'm talking about living on the streets. And I know that it sounds weird like, who would want to live on the street right? But the thing is, I had no rules, No one to listen to, I could do whatever I pleased and not one person could tell me anything." I confess
"I think that you just don't like getting punished." He says and I could practically see his smile
"Well of course! I can't do anything fun anymore or I'll get punished!" I say
"Babe, the things that you consider fun, could actually kill you. They are just trying to protect you." He says and I sigh because, as always, he's right.
"Yeah, I guess so. Alright babe, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye!" I say
"Bye! Love you." He says
"Love you too." I say and he hangs up.
I go to the living room because I am in desperate need to cuddle. I sit on Liam's lap and sigh sadly. I figure I'm doing that a lot now, sighing.
"Hey Lou." He kisses my forehead and I can see his eyes roaming on my wrists. I practically roll my eyes.
"I didn't do anything Liam, If I did, you would know because I would feel a whole lot better." I pout.
"Don't say that Lou." Niall says
"But it's true." I say
"Louis-"
RING RING RING.....RING RING RING....
The sound of the home phone rings loudly, interrupting Zayn
"I'll get it." Zayn says and goes to answer the phone.
He talks on it for a while, then says, "It's for you." He says giving the phone to me.
I take it, not knowing who it could be. "Hello?" I answer
"Is this a Louis that I'm speaking to?" A lady with a nasal voice says
"Yes, I'm Louis." I answer
"Do you know a girl named Lilly?" She asks.
"Yeah, she's my best friend. Why?" I say getting worried
"I'm afraid that Lilly and her mother have been in a car accident." She says
"W-what?" I asks not understanding
"Her mom is in critical condition, however Lilly, unfortunately, died on impact." She says not sounding the least bit sorry at all.
Ironically, It's like a truck just hit my heart and shattered it to tiny pieces.
"NO! You're lying! Tell me this is an April Fool's joke! Where is she!" I cry out, tears already streaming down my face.
When she tells me that she is not joking, I proceed to yell at her that she has to be lying. Zayn takes the phone and Liam holds me, saying it's okay, I'm gonna be fine. They don't even know what's going on.
"Thanks for letting him know." I hear and then a phone slamming down.
Zayn walks back in the living room with tears in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry Louis. I'm so sorry!" He cries and hugs me
I fail to hold my tears back and sob loudly, louder than I've ever sobbed before.
"I know Louis, I know. J-just let it out." Zayn says and as I sob loudly, I can feel him lean over to Liam and tell him what happend.
"Oh Louis." Liam says and I shake my head.
"N-No! NO NO NO! LEAVE ME ALONE! I CAN'T TAKE THIS PAIN ANYMORE!" I scream and run to my bathroom, and I can hear the boys running after me. I can't see clearly with all these tears in my eyes.
I run into my bathroom, take out my razor and put it on my wrist. Finnally sweet sweet relief is about to-
"Louis no!" Harry yells as he tackles me to the ground and takes the razor away. I would get another, but that was my last one.
"GIVE IT BACK!" I yell and I'm about to jump on him when Zayn grabs me and pulls me into a hug.
"NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" I yell and kick Zayn, but he refuses to let go of me. We fall to the ground and he just hugs me tighter while the rest of the boys search my room for any objects that could be used for self harm.
I just sob and sob. Zayn says, "We'll be okay. You'll be okay. We will get through this. I promise."
But thats a fucking lie.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AN: I KNOW I'M FUCKING HORRIBLE! Well, if you read the top note, my uncle just passed away and so this is dedicated to him. Also I wanna thank @BrightonLillianUK for being Lilly, and please if you aren't already go follow her! I love you guys so much and I'm sorry for the sudden feels. Please leave a comment telling me what you think about all this, and until next time my lovely unicorns! Love ya! P.S. Put a :( If you read this.