I'm a little iffy about publishing this chapter because of what happens... the title kinda gives a hint and I don't want people hating on me for how I wrote it. You'll understand in a second if you keep reading. And please don't get upset with me or mad at me!
Enjoy💜
If This Is Love: 13 | Attacks
| Laura Renae |
| Over A Week Later (May 24th, 2017) |
Everything is falling apart. I don't even know where to begin. For the past week and however many days, I've been crashing at E and Rydel's house, not wanting to go home and face my parents with this whole Ross drama. Ross and Rocky have both been back at their parents' place and I believe they're going to stay at a house a block away from Manhattan Beach for this coming week, and I'm almost positive Rydel and Ellington will drag me down there.
The New Addictions U.S. Tour starts in one month, and then right as it ends, I go to Atlanta to go film Saving Zoe, a role that I accepted over a year and a half ago. Right when that's over, it's the European New Addictions Tour. I'm going to barely be home and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. Filming movies... I've never handled well. When I filmed my DCOM Bad Hair Day, my mom came with me and my dad came by every so often but it just felt weird being without the band. But this time? No one will come. I'm going to be alone and I haven't been alone since I've literally been born.
And not only that, but the whole ignoring Ross thing is eating me alive. When he went away to film Status Update, I was alright. I slept with Rocky some nights when I really couldn't sleep, and I FaceTimed and texted Ross daily. Then he filmed My Friend Dahmer and again, I slept with Rocky some nights and talked to Ross daily. And realizing that I haven't said a single thing to him in over a week, makes me realize how important he is in my life and how much he impacts me. He's literally the only one who knows every single detail about me and my life. He knows secrets that I try so hard to hide from every single person in life, including my parents and brother.
Anxiety being one of them. I stress myself out so badly and have panic attacks over the absolute dumbest things. Ross is the only one who's ever seen me go through one and is the only person who knows how to handle one. I get trapped in my thoughts a lot and sometimes go a little dark and he knows exactly what to do to bring me back from it. He gets me.
But he also hurt me.
Broke me.
I cry. I always try to cry when I'm alone in the dark so nobody can see how weak I am. Even before this whole Ross and Brianna thing, I'd cry. Ross would always be the one I would call or I would run to. He always cheered me up. Whether I'd be crying about school, music, family, the negative aspects of life, hate, he'd be the one to go to. And now? These past five months have been the absolute hardest months of my life. I haven't cried in front of Ross for five months, except for the day I found out about Brianna being a set up. I haven't talked to him about stress or anxiety or anything remotely related to that. And I'm about to explode.
My insecurities are getting the worst of me lately and I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to be weak and go to Ross just because I'm stressed. Not only would that make him go crazy, but he'd also think I'd be back with him and ready to be with him, when I know I'm not. I'm not girlfriend material. When I'm happy... I get told I'm annoying. When I compliment everyone, I get called fake and overly nice or I'm trying to hard. My family or the Lynch's have never once said anything remotely close to that to me, but everybody else in the world has. And sadly, they over power family with social media and just... everything.
One part of me wants to run into Ross' arms and never let go. That part of me wants to kiss him every second of every day and tell him just how much I love him to freaking death. That part of me wants to experience things I've never experienced with anyone, with him. That part of me forgives him and looks past his tiny mistake because I love him and because I know that he'd never do this intentionally. That he'd never hurt me ever.
But the other part of me wants to hate him and never forgive him. Trust is the number one thing in a relationship, a best friendship, and he completely broke that when he lied to me for five months. He messed up. He caused me to cry. He caused me so much fucking pain that I wrote a song about it. He kicked me out of his bed when he knew I needed to be with someone because of weird past dreams and beliefs. That part of me makes me want to not love him.
"Hey, my mom wants us to come over for a small dinner." Rydel says, completely taking me out of my thoughts. Maybe that's a good thing. "You okay?" She asks softly, flipping on the light switch. Sniffling, I hadn't even realized I was crying.
"Uh, yeah. I'm good. Just tired is all." I reply, quickly wiping my eyes under my glasses. "Is it okay if I stay here?" I ask her.
"Laura..." She trails off. "Come on, it'll be fun. You won't even realize he's there." She smiles weakly at me. I just nod the slightest and look down at my lap. "Do you wanna talk?" She asks.
"When do we have to leave?" I ask, completely ignoring her question.
"In ten minutes." She replies. Nodding, I get out of bed and head to my suitcase, grabbing a fresh t-shirt and the first pair of leggings I find. As I walk to the door where she's at, she stops me.
"Rydel, I don't want to talk about it." I tell her, looking her straight in the eye. She nods, understanding that it wasn't a good time. I walk past her and to the bathroom, where I freshen up and put contacts in. I grab my phone and head to the main room to wait for my brother and Rydel. Ellington drove us in Rydel's Prius, and I definitely wasn't ready to go inside.
"Aw, you made it!" Stormie says, the second we walk into the house. She was quick to pull me in a hug. "How are you?" She asks me. Rydel and Ellington walk past the two of us, heading for the backyard. I couldn't escape.
"Good." I tell her, a forced smile on my face.
"Honey, you don't have to lie to me." She softly says, making my entire face drop. I can't lie to her. "I don't want to be a mean mom figure, but both you and my baby out there are miserable. Yes, Ross messed up. But I'm pretty darn sure he's suffered the consequences long enough. He loves you, sweetie. Heck, that boy would move mountains for you just to make sure you're okay. He's not perfect. He just wanted the love of his life to love him back. He thought you didn't. He thought you still hadn't realized it. He didn't know, Laura Renae. He would never ever hurt you and you and I both know that." The entire time my eyes were on the floor. "Talk to him. He's upset. He's shed a few tears here and there. He's hurting just like you are." I didn't say anything, I just gave her a single nod and stepped beside her to walk outside. Truthfully, I knew she was right. My heart knew she was right.
"You okay?" Ry asks me the second I walk over to where everybody was. All eyes were on me now and that only made me want to hide. I couldn't speak. I could only give him a fake smile and nod my head a few times. "You sure? You look... paler than usual." He continues.
"Ryland, drop it. She's fine." I hear Rydel quietly say. My eyes somehow find Ross', who was staring at me with nothing but worry. And that's when I couldn't take it. It started with my hands beginning to shake, then it got harder to breathe, then my heartbeat sped up, and then my legs felt like jello while the rest of my body became numb.
"Shit!" Ross was quick to jump up from the seat he was in, and that's when everything around me started to spin. "Laura, hey, you need to breathe. Look at me, look at me. Brea-"
"What's happening!" Someone shouts.
"Breathe. Deep breaths. I'm going to need you to breathe, bean. In and ou-" My eyes began to water up.
"Ross! What's going on?!"
"Why is she freaking out?!"
"Do I need to call nine one one?!"
"Can everybody just shut the fuck up!" Ross shouts, turning his head to look at his family. My breathing only got heavier, everything spinned faster, I couldn't focus on anything. Nothing was making sense. His mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear anything he was saying. He grabbed onto my shoulders and walked me backwards until I felt myself being sat down. He crouches in front of me, his hands still on my shoulders, and that's when I could suddenly understand what he was saying. "Laura, hey hey hey, look at me. In the eyes, bean. Right in the eyes. Look." Everything suddenly stopped spinning the second my eyes found his. "I need you to breathe slowly. Slow and steady breaths, alright?"
It wasn't helping.
"Hey, remember to focus on my eyes. You love them, remember? You always say they're the prettiest hazel eyes you've ever seen. Yeah, right there. Focus right here and take deep breathes." Feeling in my body came back. "Yeah, right here." His hands grasped mine tightly, keeping them in my lap as he continued to take deep breaths, trying to get mine to match his. "In... and out." He began to move his head with his words, trying to get me to move mine, and slowly, I began to match his breathing. "Keep your eyes on mine." He let's go of a hand and wipes under my eyes, only to find my hand once again. "See, everything's okay. You just need to continue taking deep breaths, alright?" His voice was softer. My breathing evened out a little more and I was suddenly aware that they were all crowded around me, which only caused my breathing to pick up again. "No no no, right here. On mine. Not theirs. Mine." My eyes found his again. "Keep them here."
As soon as my breathing got slow enough for me to handle, I freed his grip on my hands and reached forward for his shirt, balling up the material in my hands to pull his body to mine, and hide my face in his chest. He was quick to wrap his arms around me, knowing exactly what I needed in this moment. My butt fell out of the chair and Ross stumbled backwards in his crouched position before I'm sure he fell onto his butt, but he didn't let go of me. He just held me, letting me silently cry into his shirt, even if I've ignored him for a week. In this moment, I knew he would never intentionally hurt me. I knew it, I felt it, and I believed in it.
"What. Just. Happened." I heard a muffled voice.
"She had an anxiety or panic attack, I don't know the difference." Ross mumbles, my entire body vibrating from his voice. I grab his shirt tighter, to which he gently rubs my back with one hand.
"Has that ever happened before?" E asks.
"Yes, but it's been a few years since she's had one." Ross replies. "I'm the only one who knows." He adds.
"How many times has this happened?" Stormie asks.
"This is the eleventh one I've helped her through. And I know she had a couple before I was in her life that she handled on her own." I didn't care that he was telling them this. I didn't care that we were sitting on the nasty concrete. I needed Ross and that was final. Never again will I ignore this kid. "Can someone get her a blanket?"
"Why don't you two go inside."
"She won't move." Ross says. I can, I just will choose not to.
"Then carry her. Go to the bedroom and have her lay down. I heard those are exhausting and I'm sure the two of you need to talk." Stormie says. I feel and hear Ross sigh.
"Alright, bean, I'm gonna need you to help me out here, please." I just nod, not wanting to talk. Somehow, the two of us stood up without me letting go of his shirt or my head leaving his chest, but he did let go of me in order to help us up. "I can carry you like a toddler or you can choose to walk with me." He tells me. Of course, I choose the carry. I finally unball his shirt to wrap my arms around his neck, letting him grab the back of my thighs to pick me up. I wrap my legs around him, letting him carry me inside. "Can someone get contact holders?" He asks.
"Yeah, one minute." Mark says. Ross lowers me onto a bed and tries to stand up, but I wouldn't unwrap my legs or my arms from around him.
"Bean, you're gonna have to let go of me for two seconds. I promise once you take your contacts out I'm all yours, but you have to let go first." Listening to his voice, I let go of him and let him completely stand up. He twists his body around for a few seconds before turning back around and holding out contact holders with solution in them, to which I effortlessly take my contacts out and place them in there, letting Ross set them on the bed by the one I'm on. "Why don't you get under the covers." He whispers. Nodding, I do as he says and gets underneath them, letting Ross take his shirt off, which is actually something he does after every single one of my panic attacks because for some weird reason it helps me when he holds me, and he gets under the covers beside me.
• don't worry, the scenes not over, but it's getting too long so i'm cutting it off here. next chapter we'll continue from here. don't forget to vote, comment something sweet, and follow me! love you, babes💜 •
-rydelly_belly💜
I just want to put out there that I have never experienced a panic/anxiety attack, nor have I witnessed one in person, so this could be weird or odd and I'm sorry for it, but this is what happens when she goes through them. Everybody's are different.