We finally got home at seven in the morning from the hospital and I was exhausted. I felt like my world had been ripped apart and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out until the pain went away.
"Do you need anything," Lucas asked watching my every move like I was disabled child that couldn't do anything by myself. I hated the way he looked at me now.
"I just want to go to bed and sleep." He nodded letting me climb the stairs alone to the lonely bedroom that awaited. I took off my shoes and climbed into the bed not knowing what to do next. Everything I once had was gone. My happiness, gone. My love, gone. Everything, gone. I didn't know what to do at this point.
I stared at the wall letting my mind take me wherever it wanted to go. It was as if my mind was trying to catch up with my body and understand the lost that we suffered. My mind couldn't understand that our baby was dead. That our baby was gone. I moved my hand to my now empty stomach desperately trying to feel the hardness that was once there. I gave up when I felt nothing letting my soul wallow in pain.
Lucas came in and sat on the bed beside me. He didn't say a word but just stared at the ground as if he was trying to think of something to say to me. I took in his features looking at the side his face as he slumped over. In that moment I wished I could be there for him and make him feel better but I couldn't even make myself feel better. My body and soul screamed out in agony and torture for the baby I would never get to hold and love. Slowly I was becoming numb to the situation and I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. If I became numb the pain would go away and I would be able to move on but I was afraid I wouldn't stay the person I was.
"I know you're going through something right now and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Is there is anything I can do to make it better?" When he looked at me I made sure to keep my head looking at the wall so I wouldn't have to face him. I didn't want him to see me like this.
"I just want to be alone right now." He stared at me a little longer then sighed getting up.
"I will be in my office if you need me." With that he left shutting the door behind him. I stared at the wall some more this time letting my emotions take control. Before I knew it water graced my face like a flowing river and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My body couldn't hold in the grief anymore. Everything hurt. I grabbed my stomach once again this time out of anger because there was nothing there. I hated that there was nothing there. I continued to cry out until I eventually fell asleep.
When I finally woke back up I felt like complete shit. I felt dirty all over. I slowly turned back the covers that Lucas had changed and got up. I made my way into the bathroom to take a much needed shower and to wipe the dirt of last night off of me.
I got out of the shower and walked back into the bedroom bare naked with little care to the world. I was like a zombie at this point. As I walked in I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and froze. I had never been a fan of my body but now I hated it completely. Now I had scars from losing my baby. My body had failed me. Before I knew it tears were streaming down my face rapidly. My heart ached and I just wanted everything to go back to normal. In the mist of my breakdown I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I knew who it was. He turned me around to him letting me cry into his chest.
Once the tears settled down he pulled off his shirt and put it on me to cover me up. He pulled me to the bed sitting me down. He wiped away my tears. "I don't understand how this could happen," I said looking down at the bed sheets to avoid his eyes. "How one minute you have a baby growing inside you and the next your baby is dead and you're just supposed to accept it."
"It's something you have to find a way to live with." I laughed not believing his words.
"How am I supposed to live with having a miscarriage?" he grabbed my hand making me look at him. His eyes caught me making me feel all of his sadness too.
"I know it won't be easy and it's not okay but we have to figure out a way to move on with our lives and build our marriage. I love you and I know you are hurting right now and I am willing to give you all the time you need to heal and move on." He kissed me on the forehead bringing me into him letting me rest against him for support.
The next day I went to work to get my mind off of things because sitting in the house was just making me go crazy. I felt like I was suffocating in that house and I desperately needed air. However, the whole day I was at work it just put me on edge and made me want to snap at everyone that came in. Everyone just annoyed me and made me want to scream.
When it was finally time to close up and I was rushing to get back home. I tried to stay to myself so that I could just get home and be alone. All I wanted to do was be alone. "Is everything okay," Blair asked coming up to me looking worried. I hadn't really talked to her because I hadn't been up to talk to anyone.
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure because you been snapping at people all day." I twitched because I was tired of talking to her and wanted her gone. I needed her gone.
"I said I'm fine." I looked at her glaring at her so she would get the message. She threw her hands up in the air backing way.
"If you say so." She gathered her things and left out the door leaving me finally alone. I closed my eyes now feeling sorry that I snapped at her like that. I didn't want to push away people that were nothing but good to me. She had been rock when I opened my shop and I didn't want her to think I didn't care about her. I went and grabbed one my jumbo strawberry cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I sat down taking a huge bite. At this point I was just trying to eat my feelings away. I laughed remembering Lucas wanting me to tell my parents I was pregnant, guess I didn't need to do that now. Honestly I didn't want to tell them anything anymore. The conversation now would be mom and dad I was pregnant, but don't worry I lost the baby. I could just imagine what my mom would say to that. Nothing made sense anymore. I licked the icing off my hands enjoying the feeling I got from the sugar high. Sugar seemed to be my only friend right now and I was okay with that. Sugar understood me, it didn't judge me, and it just let me be who I was without trying to make me someone else.
As I was taking a much needed moment I heard the door open and I looked up to see Brianna. I sighed. This couldn't be good. I hadn't heard from Brianna in almost a month and with everything that was happening I just let it go. I decided she was grown which means I didn't need to watch her every move. "Looks like you've had a hard day," she said smiling like we were okay.
"Why are you not in school?"
"What's got my big sister so down," she asked completely avoiding my question which just annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever she avoided a question it meant something serious was wrong.
"Cut the bullshit and tell me why you're here." Her smiled dropped and knowing her game was done. I had too much going on in my life to be dealing with her crap.
"I got into some trouble." I laughed not surprised. Hell she only came to me when she needed something or she was in trouble, other than that I never heard from her. I thought she would eventually change but I guess some people never change. I wanted her to change and finally grow up and I thought she would after that whole boyfriend shit but I guess not. At this moment nothing Brianna did or said surprised me anymore.
"Why am I not surprised? What is it this time Brianna?"
"I failed physics and psychology."
"What does that have to do with me?"
"I need you to pay for me to retake the classes in the summer so mom and dad don't find out." I sighed and looked down not believing her words. I just looked at her trying to figure out if she had completely lost her mind.
"Why do I need to pay for anything?"
"If I don't take the classes in the summer the school will kick me out of school." I laughed again. She was just full of good news today.
"How is that possible Brianna?"
She looked down leaving my eye contact and giving it to the floor. "I kind of let my GPA drop and if I don't take the classes and get my GPA back up then the school will kick me out." I sat down not believing the situation she had gotten herself in. She never came with good news. You know I just made the dean's list or guess what, I hit the lottery or some shit. No, instead she continuously brought bullshit like this and expected me to clean it up everything. She never did anything and thought of the consequences. She always went in without any thought and when everything went to shit she always looked around for someone to help her get out of it. Well I was done. "You have to help me," she said pleading.
"I don't have to do a damn thing. You said you wanted to go to school so I paid for her to go and while there you changed your major so many times in one month it's ridiculous. So no I don't need to do or pay for a damn thing."
"What the hell is your problem?"
"Just get the hell out before I throw your ungrateful ass out myself." She stared at me shocked like I had just took her heart. When she was done turned and left out the door and I sighed. I leaned down on the counter with both hands trying to let go of the stress.