"In the cold light I live, to love and adore you
It's all that I am, It's all that I have"
-There will be Time, Mumford & Sons
Alto sat close to me as the others gathered in.
Something had changed within the bond.
It was...clearer.
Like a hazy window that had been cleaned, now I could see clearly past and view the landscape that was outside.
What once were fuzzy thoughts, coming to me with a hazed focus of Alto's mind- now were clear and precise. Alto loved me.
It startled me as I felt the flood of emotion come to me after we had kissed and held each other. We had only known each other for only several weeks, but Alto had not been hesitant about the bond. He had accepted it and me since the moment we met.
Me, however.
I cringed at the wave of patience and yet sadness that seemed to pulse in the back of my mind.
I didn't love him.
It made me think hard as I recovered in bed, waiting for the effects of the poison to pass, but what was love really? I couldn't come up with an answer. And Alto could not describe my own feelings to me. They were mine alone to interpret.
Thought I cared for him, would feel a rip within my soul if he left me- I still did not love him.
Love, I realized, did not come as naturally to me. I did not accept the bond as easily as Alto had. I had questioned him, me, us. I still did.
I felt weak, as I watched his steady black eyes roam the room, but I didn't have the confidence to think that fate could put me in so lucky a situation.
Instead, I questioned her also, wondering why me.
And then I felt loathing. A small dark seed inside of me that hated the fact that I could not have more confidence in myself. That, even though I had the assurance of the bond and of Alto's feelings, I still felt in some small way, that I was being tricked and lied into something, only to have the rug pulled out from my legs at any moment.
I wanted to love Alto. And maybe I did in my own small way. But since both our loves were comparable now to each other, I felt the overwhelming pressure and crushing sensation that I was not enough.
Alto's hand reached out and grabbed mine as my thoughts turned darker.
"Fayette," he said. He reached out and kissed the back of my hand, immediately calming my whirlwind of emotions down.
I relaxed within my chair, still clinging to his hand like it was my anchor.
Elden, walked in then, leading Lizzy and Jane. This was our small counsel- our band of trusted people. I was surprised when Alto wanted to gather them and even more surprised when he said not to include Gavin.
"Prince August," Jane said, giving a small bow.
Lizzy rolled her eyes at the formality but held her tongue. The air around was already set in a serious silence when they had entered.
The sat around the table, each finding a chair they were comfortable in.
"Straight to the point then," Elden said, "The Princess is not safe here."
I felt agreement and anger course through Alto. His face, however, was blank, showing to none what his true feelings were.
"The investigation led to nothing. I've hit a dead end, so has Lizzy and Jane. We can't find any way of knowing how and who poisoned the Princess."
Lizzy and Jane nodded sadly at the words.
"What about your end August?"
Alto gripped my hand tighter, "I have been tracking the different sellers and buyers of Agravain, but no one has shown up yet."
Elden absorbed this information with disappointment.
"In the meantime, yes Elden, Fayette is not safe here."
"She should stay at the castle though, I mean, any other place would just bring even more danger," Lizzy said.
I felt annoyance at them talking around me as if I wasn't there. What if I wanted to stay and be with Alto?
Alto felt my thoughts and shifted to me, "No," he said, though the answer was directed at Lizzy, "Fayette, you are not safe here. Not until we find who did this."
"But what if I'm more careful? What if I test my food for poison before eating? Avoid people? I can stop it from happening again."
Alto shook his head but Elden answered, "we do not even know if the poison was through consumption. Agravain is special in that it can be used through any form of the body. You can breath it, eat it, drink it or simply touch it and you will have been exposed to its effects."
My face paled at the thought.
It suddenly occurred to me how easy it would be to kill me. Just rub the right amount of poison in my shoes while they are being cleaned. Sprinkle some on my pillows. Through my food. Water. Even the air I breathed. And it didn't stop at poison.
"But if I leave, what if whoever did this follows me?"
Alto and Elden look at each other.
They already have a plan, I thought.
"Fayette. You know you are suppose to go through physical training and then go to the academy?"
I nodded, not wanting to hear what was coming.
"I have talked to the Queen. She has managed to convince the King that it is within your best interest to go to the Academy early and then start the year there."
I let go of Alto's hand as the look of hurt crosses his features, one he was not able to hide from the others.
"You didn't think to ask me?" I said.
Alto's face went blank again, but I felt the shock clearly within the bond. He didn't think I would protest. He didn't think I would have any complains if it was in the name of my safety.
"If I go, I'm taking Lizzy and Jane with me," I said, real anger coming through me now. I had never been angry at Alto before. But now I was. Now I pushed my emotions through him in the bond and watched as he flinched.
"Non-royals are not allowed to attend," he said.
"I'm not a royal," I spat out.
Lizzy, Jane and Elden sat in silence as they watched our strange argument. Alto and I shared our thoughts between us, not backing down as we each maintained eye contact.
I'm taking them.
I practically screamed the words within my mind, over and over again, until I knew Alto had a ringing sensation in his.
His eyes looked dazed as he continued staring at me, but no longer focused as I continued to bombard his thoughts with my own.
I will not go without them. I will not go to a strange place alone. I will not. I WILL NOT.
Alto stood up and growled- a bone shivering, toe-curling growl that had everyone in the room gasping and scooting away.
"Enough," he said.
Even now, when he was pushed to a place I had never seen him go before, he still did not raise his voice. The menacing soft talk had more effect than if he had yelled at me. A small part of me wished he had. Then I would have known it was not serious.
He looked at me with eyes glaring down. The beast that he worked so hard to contain was now out, having been pushed and bullied by my mind to far. Even if it was his life mate, no one told his inner monster what to do.
"You WILL go. Think through this and realize that you have to. The academy is more secure than the castle. Far more secure. Lizzy and Jane will go with you on the trip there and when you go back. But. They cannot be with you at the academy."
I felt tears sting my eyes at his words. Part of me thought I was acting selfish and like a small child, but another part realized the truth within his sentence. However it was all starting to become to much for me.
I had just left my pack several months ago and had to give it up. Now I was comfortable with life here in the Castle. I had my routine, and more importantly, I had Alto. But now all this was going to be dragged away again by the very man I was supposed to stay with.
Alto's eyes softened as he registered my thoughts.
"Fayette," he said my name softly, reaching to stroke my face.
I looked up at him as tears blurred my vision.
"Please don't."
I felt his regret at making me cry. I wanted to laugh at the whole situation he was putting me in. I had never asked to be put through all of this. Never asked to be his mate or to have my life constantly bouncing around.
He looked down as he read my thoughts.
Ashamed, I realized. He felt he had let me down and in some way was now paying for his actions by having to watch me leave.
"You will come back," the words were spoken with such confidence that I knew he would claw his way through whatever form of hell he could to have me back.
"I would," he said, giving me a small smile.
I looked around to see that some time during our argument, everyone had cleared the room. It was now just the two of us.
"Alto," I leaned into his hand as I inhaled his scent, "I don't want to leave you."
I spoke with whatever painful truth I could.
"I don't want to leave you either."
We stayed in our own silence, not taking note of the other's thoughts because we were so consumed by our own.
"What will you do while I'm gone?" I had accepted now that there was no getting around that I was going. I needed to stay alive. For Alto.
"Since I am back from my journey, the King has decided that I will start my royal training," Alto's face remained emotionless as he spoke. I realized how lucky I was to have the bond, and see that he felt disgust and loathing at the fact that he had to spend time with his father.
"You don't like him?" I questioned.
A vulnerability showed in Alto's eyes, one I never thought him capable of, "I do not understand him. Because of that, I am wary of him. I do not like that he disrespected my mother's image by marrying so soon after her death."
I nodded, feeling that this was a conversation for another time.
"We have grown stronger with us together. Now it is time for us to grow when we are apart." I smiled at his poetic words. He only spoke like this to me. Only released his mouth, letting it run free when we were along. He could talk for hours if he wanted to. I found it odd that he had stayed silent for so long around others.
"I will try to be strong for you," I said.
Alto leaned over and kissed my forehead, he pulled back, resting his forehead on mine as we both looked into each other's eyes.
"Please try to be strong for you. I am not the sun Fayette. You are."
I shuddered in pleasure at his words.
"Write to me," I said, the sudden idea hitting me with excitement.
"Write?" there was amusement within Alto's eyes.
I nodded, smiling back at him, "I want to save your pretty words on paper." He laughed at my statement, leaning in to capture my lips before I could say more.
"I will miss you."
"I'll miss you to," I said. I would. I would miss him. I could already feel the absence in my heart.
"How soon do I leave?"
Alto sighed before getting up and extending his hand, "How do you feel about tomorrow?"
"Boy you literally just told me today" I said as I SLAPPED HIS FACED AND STORMED OUTTA THAT ROOM. I DON'T NEED NO MAN, I THOUGHT, as I got on my horse and rode off into the sunset.
- Alternate ending to the chapter
^no ignore that it didn't really happen.
Okay peepers and pepests. I have a special announcement to make to you. As you may have noticed, the usually ending for Pride and Ashes (I mean the ending poster that says "don't forget to vote and comment!" which btw...don't forget to vote and comment.) is not up for two reasons.
1. okay tbh i was going to put it up but for some reason it wouldn't go up so
2. i ended up putting this piece of art on display instead so pretend like I meant to do this.
but also because I would like to tell you that there is now a playlist available to listen to while you read Pride and Ashes (ya we are so fancy). Some of the songs will make you smile and go- yup that's Fayette and Alto and other's you'll probably listen to and go "why is this here."
I just wanted to let you know though that it is up and available! Link is on my bio page- that above you is the Album cover. I hope you decide to check it out and see what songs are on it. Even if you don't like listening to music while you read (raises hand- *why did you make a freaking playlist then?!* I'm sorry I can't multi-task *sob*) go ahead and discover new songs!
Enjoy!
/////WORLD_JOY_/////