I rushed to the window as I heard another loud bang. This time I was sure it was from Liam Kirby's home. I looked out the ledge. Nothing went on outside their lawn, but I could hear low voices from inside their foursquare house.
I couldn't hear what they were talking about. But Liam had gotten out to their lawn again. His sister followed and yanked his arm to turn him around. They argued for what seemed like moments and Liam walked to their Land Rover and drove away.
His sister wept out in the lawn and ran back inside the house.
I sighed and prayed for them. I didn't know if God heard me. I wondered if God heard simple prayers. I knew I was just knew to the faith, I hadn't even reached halfway the Change 12 lessons yet. I wondered if prayers worked even if you aren't doing anything else.
~~~
"I woke up again," I said, scowling. "In the middle of the night."
Samuel frowned and narrowed his eyes. "That's really bad. Don't you want to call the cops or something for that?"
"Of course I do," I said, closing my locker door. It was the first thing in the morning, and we were just waiting for Meredith's sticky notes.
"But I also feel like I shouldn't, you know. I don't know, something's holding me back." I admitted.
Samuel dug his hands in his pockets. "But that kind of situation, especially that it bothers you enough to wake you in the middle of the night, is not okay. It's something that needs to be solved right away."
I nodded. I closed my eyes. "I have the feeling God wants me to tell him about Him."
Samuel stared at me.
"But... I don't think I'm ready. Maybe I should call Steven to come over and talk to him."
"That's a good idea. But isn't Steven a little busy with his college and schedule and all that?"
I shrugged. "I don't know..."
I sighed. I've had a disturbing feeling in my chest for quite some time now. Every night, every waking minute I heard Liam's and his sister's screams, I felt horrible inside. I was right. I knew God just wanted me to come tell him about Him, especially when I knew Liam wanted to be my friend.
But I was afraid. I knew I shouldn't be. Meredith had done it lots of times and it all went okay. But I felt like I wasn't ready for evangelizing yet. Of course Meredith was right--the time of salvation was now. But it was also said in Ecclesiastes that there was time for every activity under heaven. I was confused. What did that mean?
And so every night I awoke to screaming and glass shattering, I felt a guilt brew in my chest. I felt responsible for Liam's bad life. I had the solution--Jesus. I knew that if he understood God's love, his situation would follow. But why was I balking? Why wasn't I doing something about it? I knew what to do--I just didn't know how.
Or maybe I didn't want to.
That only made me feel guiltier. If I was ashamed of spreading the Lord's Word, am I even His child at all? I knew I wanted to spread His Word, but every time I really decide to do it, I get weak in the knees and I back out. What was wrong with me? The good and bad side were always in a war--and somehow the bad always won. Am I really God's child? Doesn't that kind of make me a hypocrite?
Before I could tear myself some more with my thoughts of doubt and guilt, Meredith came over and handed us the sticky notes to distribute.
And I forgot about my little guilt trip for a while.
----------
When I arrived home that afternoon I found Liam also just getting down his Land Rover. I was afraid. I knew if we met gazes he'd try to talk to me and I would have to interact without telling him about God. I couldn't handle the guilt.
As soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk I slammed my door shut, locked the pickup, and sprinted to my house. I heard him call for me.
I ignored him.
What's wrong with you? I asked myself that night. Why is it so hard for you to just gather the guts to talk to him about the God who can fix his situation and forgive him of all of his sins? It wasn't hard for Meredith to come so straightforward and you eventually came to know God.
And that's when I did the very thing I never thought I'd do. I drew the blinds and locked my windows. I turned on my radio on and made sure I wouldn't hear anything but the music in. I knew it was the only way to solve my guilt and involvement with a situation I shouldn't be involving myself with. I decided I needed to get away from the negativity that's been bothering me.
I decided to mind my own business.
That morning I woke up peacefully. That's what I felt. The headphones were still on, but the music was low enough that I could sleep. When I hurried down the steps for breakfast I was smiling. For the first time I wasn't bothered by anything around our neighborhood. I wasn't anxious to talk about our neighbor anymore.
"Good morning," I said, plopping down my seat.
Dad had a wary look as he looked up his newspaper. I wondered why he still used newspaper. But that's what he told us, he hated how technology made people lazy. He said he wanted to keep it old school.
"Didn't you hear it last night?" He asked me. His worried look nothing but disturbing.
"Nope," I didn't want to ask about it. I had a terrible feeling as to where the conversation might lead.
Dad stared at me for a while, and then he shrugged and went back to reading his newspaper. Mom returned to the dining table with a plateful of waffles and blueberry syrup. I ate with glee. I didn't have a care in the world besides my good friends and the fact that we were going to uplift more people with the sticky note Bible verses.
When I crossed the lawn and walked past Liam's, I didn't dare look. I turned a blind eye to my peripherals. I didn't know if Liam was around their porch, but his Land Rover was back on their sidewalk and I had no intentions of talking to the guy. I hurried to my pickup and quickly drove away for school.
The sign on our church said:
"And He will answer, 'I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these My brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help Me.' ~Matthew 25:45
That hit me hard. But I shook my head. No. Not every Bible verse is for me. I must be thinking too much. I'm giving into my guilt again.
Forget it, I told myself. I drove away.