*MISAKI*
They say you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself...nonsense...
I love Kaname even when I fail to love myself but my inability to love myself is what keeps me from expressing my feelings to him and even if I did...he doesn't reciprocate my feelings.
"Aidou suggested that since you got such lovely outfits for us, we should go to a shrine for New Years" I blinked a few times when I realized Yuki was talking to me "oh um sure, sounds good" I plastered the fake smile I had mastered over the course of time.
Keeping my eyes trained straight ahead, I shoved my hands in my pockets as the encounter with Kaname kept replaying in my head. If he didn't hate me before, he probably does now.
"Why did you run out of the moon dorms?" I took in a sharp breath of air at Yuki's question knowing that it was bound to come and my gaze fell on the chairman and Zero who were walking in front of us discussing something and had now fallen silent as if waiting for my answer.
I gave Yuki a look which clearly said that I didn't want to talk about it and I even mouthed 'later' to her and she nodded understandingly before looping our hands together "let's go window shopping!" she cheered set to take off but I held her back laughing before gesturing at Zero.
"Why don't you and Zero go roam around a little? He's been dying to get your attention for a while now" I snickered as Zero turned red and sent a glower my way but his eyes held a glimmer of hope as he looked at Yuki who smiled gently at him "thank you" she whispered to me before intertwining her fingers with Zero's as they strolled ahead leaving the chairman and I behind.
"Come, let me get you something to eat" the chairman grinned placing his hand on my back as I started protesting but he was having none of it "ice-cream?" he asked mischievously pointing towards an ice cream store and I deadpanned "ice-cream? In this weather?" I gestured to our winter clothing and the chairman shrugged.
"Let a father be a little crazy sometimes" the chairman stuck his tongue out at me before leading me towards the ice-cream store but I shook my head dragging my feet and pointed towards a cafe a few stores down "and let a daughter be mature sometimes" I playfully stuck my tongue out at him dragging him in the direction of the cafe "but-but ice cream" the chairman pouted as I pushed the door open and the bell above sounded indicating to the staff that customers have come.
I smiled gently as I took in the cozy atmosphere and the best part is that it wasn't too crowded "this is nice" I announced sliding into a booth to seat four and the chairman slid into the seat in front of me "yes, indeed" he fixed his glasses before handing a menu over to me "how will the lovebirds know where to find us?" I raised an eyebrow realizing that we hadn't told Zero or Yuki where we would be "they'll find us, don't worry" the chairman smiled reassuringly at me before looking back at the menu.
"Can I take your order?" I looked up as a young male, no older than 17, dressed in a uniform came up to our table with a notepad and pen at hand "I'll have a french vanilla please" the chairman said as we had decided to wait for Zero and Yuki to order something to eat "and for you gorgeous?"
My jaw unhinged slightly as the boy smiled charmingly at me leaving me dumbfounded "she'll have a hot chocolate with whipped cream" the chairman sighed as he looked up at the guy with a serious expression "and I would stop flirting with my daughter if I were you"
The poor boy turned red before scampering away to put our order in and I laughed slightly shaking my head "he wasn't flirting dad" I clarified resting my chin on the back of my hand "uhuh, say that to the hearts popping out of his eyes" the chairman muttered arching an eyebrow as he looked down the path the boy went "do I really look that scary?" he asked shocked and I burst out laughing at his horrified expression before shaking my head to comfort him.
The chairman leaned his elbows on the table looking lost in thought before he spoke up "I've seen Yuki and Zero grow up in front of my eyes that is why I know everything about them, but I haven't had that privilege with you. Tell me Misaki, what is there that I need to know about my daughter?" I raised an eyebrow taken aback by the chairman's question and I shrugged after contemplating on the question for a few seconds "there's really nothing much" I muttered thoughtfully just as the boy came back with our drinks.
"Tell me about you, likes and dislikes or anything" the chairman persisted looking at me expectantly and I sighed rubbing the back of my neck thinking of information to tell the chairman "well-" I started wrapping my hand around the hot mug of hot chocolate "my favorite color is royal blue, my birthday is on the 8th of January, I like music-"
The chairman listened intently as I listed off basic facts about myself, from my likes and dislikes to my favorite sport and everything else I could think of "when did you learn how to play so many instruments?" the chairman questioned taking a sip of his coffee "I started off with the guitar, my first foster mother taught me how to play and then after that I learnt by reading books and listening but a lot of my foster parents provided me with instruments" a bitter smile crept onto my face as the one question which always haunts me came to mind...
Who am I?
I don't have a real surname and neither do I have any identity, it's like I never existed before that incident nearly 11 years ago. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if Misaki is even my given name and also, why was I alone that night? Who were my parents?
Did they not want me?
Is that why they abandoned me?
Ever since I was little, it seems as if though I was an unwanted presence...
The chiming of the bell snapped me out of my thoughts as I looked up to see Zero and Yuki walk in hand in hand. I raised my hand to show them where we were seated and they strolled over as Yuki slid in next to me and Zero next to the chairman.
"How was it?" I winked playfully at Yuki who turned red and grabbed hold of my cup of hot chocolate taking a sip from it before placing it down "washroom?" she questioned and I nodded getting out of the booth as we made our way to the washroom.
I watched as Yuki leaned against the sink and folded her arms looking at me "what is it?" I furrowed my eyebrows as I shoved my hand in my pocket "mind explaining what happened back at the academy?" she countered and I sighed leaning against the wall "I just went to give Kuran-sama his gift" I shrugged nonchalantly avoiding her gaze.
"Misaki-" Yuki started seeming unsure of what to say "you ran away from him, didn't you?" I averted my gaze to the tiled floor suddenly finding my shoes interesting as I ran a hand through my hair "he opened the door and I wasn't expecting that" I muttered looking up at Yuki who sighed and brought me into a hug "you've gotten him all wrong Misa, give him a chance"
Yuki pulled back patting my cheek gently "a chance for what? What I feel for him is one-sided" I sighed exasperated trying to reason with her "that's not fair Misa, don't decide that on his behalf" Yuki gave me a pointed look before resting her hand on my shoulder "we just want what's best for you, and maybe, he is the best for you"
Yuki smiled encouragingly at me as I nodded slightly before we made our way back to the booth. How was I supposed to tell her that Kaname is way too good for me?
Even if he is what's best for me...
I'm not what's best for him...
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"This is so pretty" Yuki gushed leaning in front of an antique store window staring at a porcelain vase "you would probably break it" Zero teased leaning in front of her and Yuki huffed pushing him away before straightening up.
After we finished having lunch, we decided to roam around town and look around, maybe do some window shopping while we're at it.
I placed my hand on the glass as I stared at a snowglobe with a girl in a red dress and a guy in a black suit and a smile spread across my face as the night of the dance came to mind. I was wearing a red dress and he was wearing a black suit, and what is most ironic is that it started snowing that night.
Shaking my head, my smile faltered as I stepped away from the glass and started to follow after the trio but a little child chasing a balloon crossed my path and my eyes widened as I saw the child heading towards the desolate part of town.
Before I could think it through, I started running after the child to stop him from venturing into that part because of the possibility of level E's lurking there "Misaki no!" I heard someone call after me but I ignored them keeping my eyes trained on the child.
Panting, I slowed down near a dilapidated building "where did the child go?" I muttered to myself as I looked around bewildered because the child literally disappeared into thin air. I grabbed 'Artemis' out of the waistband of my jeans and turned the safety off "Blood!" I cried out in surprise as a ghastly shriek sounded just as a Level E made contact with my back.
I elbowed the creature and kicked it away from me looking around for the gun which fell out of my grasp but it was too far away "shit" I cursed slightly seeing a hoard of Level E's closing in so I placed my finger on the garnet stone and watched 'Silver Moon' transform into a sword in my hand. I swiped it at the Level E which lunged at me and watched it crumble into a yellow pile of dust.
"Misaki!" Zero and Yuki called shielding me as they got out their weapons which gave me the opportunity to put away the sword and grab 'Artemis'.
Yuki and I stood side by side as Zero focused on the Level E's behind us "twins" a level E screeched seeing both 'Artemis' weapons together "comrade" another one hissed at Zero who snarled at them in response aiming 'Bloody Rose' at them "I am not one of you"
The three of us together fended off the level E's and collapsed on the ground exhausted after we were done "you don't just run off like that!" Zero scolded shoving his gun back into his jacket "I didn't want the child to get hurt" I defended myself as I placed my gun back into the waistband of my jeans "that's a classic move they pull, even I fell for it once" Yuki muttered scratching her head as she transformed 'Artemis' back into a compact steel rod.
"My children!" the chairman wailed throwing his arms around us...well he attempted to but Zero and Yuki dodged his embrace leaving me to be squeezed to death "c-can't breathe" I wheezed tapping the chairman's hand and he chuckled sheepishly letting me go.
"Let's head home, I have to make dinner too" the chairman mumbled to himself making Yuki sweatdrop and Zero and I to look at each other.
"Kitchen duty?" I sighed and Zero nodded "kitchen duty"
The incident with the level E's was forgotten about momentarily as we chatted all the way back to the academy "go get some rest, I'll take care of the food" I reassured Zero as we entered the front door and he looked unsure but I gave him a little push and he sighed complying as he pulled Yuki with him as he went.
I smiled at them before getting to work on the food, I decided to make chicken stroganoff with rice and a pasta. To keep myself distracted while the food was cooking, I decided to make Yuki's favorite chocolate truffle cake.
Leaning against the counter, I closed my eyes as I ran a hand down the side of my face whilst my thoughts started racing in the direction they normally do and there are three paths they usually follow.
1- Kaname
2- Who am I?
3- My past
If life where a movie, everything would be so perfect. I sighed shaking my head to clear my thoughts as I pushed away from the counter and started cleaning the kitchen to keep myself busy.
"There's only so much I can do to distract myself" I deadpanned looking at the shiny kitchen and all the food placed in the oven to remain warm. Tiptoeing my way around, I could hear everyone snoring so I decided to go for a walk around the academy. Might as well patrol while I'm at it...
I walked into my room and the first thing that caught my attention was the gift situated right where I left it. Walking over to the dresser, I grabbed my new Ipod and headphones before brushing my hand across the gift "I wish I could give this to him" I sighed wrapping my hand around the box before opening a drawer and carefully placing it in "maybe one day"
I threw on a simple hoodie over a white shirt before plugging in my headphones allowing some instrumental music to calm my wandering mind down and made my out into the chilly evening, the air tainted with a slight fog and I shivered slightly pulling the hood over my head.
Sighing, I started walking down the path leading to the academy keeping my hand on 'Artemis' the whole time which I hid in my hood pocket because even though the academy is protected, I still can't trust the level E's. I am honestly surprised that there were so many of them there and we weren't even in the outskirts of town, that was just a slightly desolate area bordering into the outskirts.
It pains me to see level E's, many of them were once humans who went about their lives normally until being made a target of a pureblood's blood thirst. I know there are good vampires like the night class, righteous purebloods like Kaname and Yuki but at the same time, there are monsters that come in the form of vampires...monsters who misuse their abilities and ruin perfectly fine families just to satisfy their hunger or to take revenge for some reason.
A sigh escaped my lips as I stopped walking and looked up at the dark sky seeing stars scattered across the expanse and smiled slightly. Somebody once told me that when someone passes away, they become stars and I remember that as a little child, I believed in that concept. I would lay outside at night and talk to the stars thinking they were my past family but now that I'm older, and wiser, I know that's just a belief to comfort our minds but the stars never fail to fascinate me. I used to always look at the brightest stars and think of my foster families shining the most and would name the stars accordingly.
I had many foster families but I always knew, no matter how openly they welcomed me and made sure they treated me like their own, I wasn't. I don't know who I am, where I'm from or who my parents are. My head lowered as I started walking again keeping an eye out for any danger.
My parents...I wonder what they were like, who I take after, if I have any other siblings, there's so many questions in my mind but not a single person who can answer them. Are my parents still alive or...
My steps faltered as I looked at the sky again.
Or are they a part of the sky now?
I wouldn't be surprised if they just didn't want me, but if they are no more, it must also be because of me, I've only ever caused the downfall of the families I was with but I can only hope and pray that nothing happens to my family now.
This is where I feel like I belong, I feel like these are the people I'm supposed to be with...this is my family, one where I can really and truly be myself.
My shoes squeaked a little as I walked down the polished hallways of the academy to the library, one of my favorite places in Cross Academy.
Pushing the door open, I turned the lights on as I pulled my hood down and placed 'Artemis' in the waistband of my jeans before making my way down the rows of shelves looking for something interesting to read. My gaze landed on a book on one of the higher shelves and I tiptoed stretching my hand out to try reaching it but to no avail making me sigh in frustration.
I hoisted myself up on the first shelf wobbling slightly on the little amount of space I had and tried once again to get the book and grinned victoriously when my fingers touched the spine of the book making me pull at it "got it" I grinned pulling the book out but my eyes widened when I felt myself falling back.
Crap
I tried grasping at the bookshelf to steady myself but the damage was done, I clenched my eyes shut knowing the fall will hurt for sure.
A soft groan escaped my lips as my back made contact with the ground but that's it...
I hesitantly opened my eyes coming face to face with the person I ran away from. My eyes widened as Kaname's gaze clashed with mine as he supported himself up with one hand and the other hand was grasping the back of my head which explains why I didn't hurt myself that much. Kaname lessened the impact of my fall...
My breath caught in my throat as I felt his cool breath against my lips and he was making no attempt to move as his eyes searched mine, for what I don't know.
Kaname gently removed his hand from the back of my head before using his fingers to brush my bangs away from my face which made my cheeks flush "K-Kuran-sama, I-I-" Kaname cut me off by cupping my cheek gently never once breaking eye contact "what am I going to do with you Misaki? You're a danger to yourself" his voice was soft and sounded as if he only wanted me to hear him, nobody else.
Resisting the urge to lean into his warmth, I used my legs to propel me backwards so that I could get away from him. Kaname sighed as he understood what I was trying to do and got up before offering me a hand but I averted my gaze as I picked up the book I was trying to get in the first place and got up on my own.
"Thank you for saving me, Kuran-sama" I plastered a smile on my face refusing to meet his gaze before turning on my heel to leave and I probably made it a step away from him before he decided to say something which made me freeze "it seems like you enjoy hurting me"
I clenched the book in my hands as my eyebrows furrowed, hurting him? How am I hurting him?
"I apologize Kuran-sama" the words leave my lips instead of what I really wanted to say, I wanted to ask him what he meant by that...
Kaname grabbed my elbow and lightly pushed me against the bookshelf making me gasp in surprise as he used his hands to trap me so that I couldn't try running away and the expression on his face screamed that he knew I would try running away. I pressed my back against the bookshelf trying to keep as much distance between us as possible but Kaname just stepped forward and bent his head down a little.
"I know I'm a monster Misaki, but you know I would never hurt you and I'm not as much of a monster as you think I am" Kaname said fixating his gaze on mine as if trying to hold me in place and I really couldn't tear my eyes away from his "am I really that bad Misaki?" Kaname's voice held more emotion than I had ever heard, it held pain and...despair?
"You said you weren't scared of me Misaki-" Kaname said before I had the chance to put in my input "am I really so bad that you run away from me like I'm a plague? So much of a monster that you don't want anything to do with me?" My eyes widened and I felt my throat constrict as the back of my eyes started stinging because of the flood gate waiting to open.
"K-Kuran-" Kaname cut me off by stepping even closer and leaning his head down "Kaname, my name is Kaname" he growled softly as his eyes bored into mine but I finally got the courage to look away "you don't understand" I nearly cried out as tears brimmed my eyes threatening to flow over and I tried pushing at Kaname's chest to push him away but he grasped my wrists in one hand and tilted my chin up with the other "then make me understand Misaki" his tone was urgent and desperate as he came closer placing a hand on my cheek, his eyes roaming my face.
"How can I understand when you don't tell me anything? I can't read your mind Misaki. You need to talk to me and stop pushing me away" Kaname slowly pushed his hand into my hair lightly holding onto it "to me, you are not just Yuki's adopted sister"
It was my turn to search his eyes for an answer but what I saw, I couldn't comprehend "you are so much more to me"
My fingers curled over his shirt grasping some of the material in my hands "even if I told you, you wouldn't understand. Nobody can" my lips quivered as a tear fell from my eyes and Kaname's gaze followed the path it took "you have absolutely no idea how I feel, do you Misaki?" I could just see Kaname's guard come back up as his thumb brushed over my bottom lip "I'm sure it's a very platonic feeling" I stated trying to lighten the mood a little but I regretted the words as soon as they came out "platonic?" Kaname scoffed stepping back as he removed his hand.
"You say I won't understand, but you need to understand one thing Misaki, my feelings are far from platonic" I drew in a shaky breath as I swiped my hands across my cheeks to wipe away any tears before I nodded and started towards the door only to have Kaname pull me back again making me crash against his chest.
"Just tell me to leave you alone once Misaki, can you look me in the eye and tell me that?" Kaname challenged looking down at me "do you really want nothing to do with me?" My heart clenched as I knew that this was it, after today, nothing could ever bridge the distance between me and Kaname.
My hand curled into a fist as I dug my nails into the palm of my hand as my eyes took in every feature of Kaname, from his bangs slightly covering his alluring garnet eyes to his clenched jaw before my gaze clashed with his again "I am nothing to you" I bit out backing away from him but he was having none of that, he grasped my upper arms and brought me closer to him "you don't get to decide that" Kaname's tone matched mine, firm and definite.
"Why can't you tell me to leave you alone Misaki?" Kaname questioned but he didn't give me a chance to say anything as his grip on my arm tightened "it's because I mean something to you" My eyes widened and my heart started racing as my hands shook, he can't find out...he can't know what I feel about him...
"It doesn't matter"
With that, I yanked myself away from him and ran as far away from him as I could. I ran out of the academy and closer to the woods where I collapsed on my knees.
I gripped my hair in my hands as sobs raked through my body and a pain-filled scream escaped from my lips. Pain, frustration, despair and anger are the only emotions running through my veins at the moment.
Pain because of all the decisions I'm making to keep Kaname away
Frustration because I have to keep Kaname away
Despair because all I want is Kaname, I want to tell him that I love him, I want to feel his warmth and the security I always feel when I'm with him, and I just want him to smile at me again....
Anger at everything. Myself, the monsters from my past and my circumstances.
Soon anger consumed me and I transformed 'Silver Moon' and started slashing at the trees with the sword angrily until a bullet ricocheted from the blade causing the sword to fall from my deadly grip. I panted slightly and turned to look at Zero leaning against a tree wearing a hoodie and sweatpants like me and had 'Bloody Rose' in his hand before he lowered it.
"You were going to hurt yourself at the rate you were going" Zero sighed putting his gun away before straightening up with his hands in his pocket as he analyzed me "you remind me of how I used to be at times, except a much calmer version than I was" I furrowed my eyebrows as Zero beckoned me to come closer and started walking back towards the chairman's house.
I transformed my gun back into a ring and fell into pace with Zero "I used to push Yuki away to you know" my head snapped up to look at Zero in surprise. He used to push Yuki away? Even though he loves her so much?
Zero's eyes scanned the area thoughtfully before he clamped his hand down on my head and I sweatdropped as the force caused me to lean forward "I'm not good with heart to heart conversations Misaki but you're my sister that's why I'm trying" Zero removed his hand before taking a detour towards the fountain and I followed after him sitting down on the ledge.
Zero placed his elbows on his knees and turned his head to look at me "everyone has a past Misaki and I know that's what's making you push Kuran away but you're only making matters more complicated for yourself. As much as I hate to admit it, he will keep you happy" I sighed before sitting cross-legged facing Zero.
"I know you saw the scars on my back Zero, there's a story behind it too, there are memories attached to it" I played with my fingers pushing the memories to the back of my head for now"you think he's going to hurt you?" Zero questioned and I quickly shook my head "nobody wants someone with scars and a past" I sighed looking up at the stars which were twinkling.
"That's not true, if someone truly loves you, scars are a trivial matter and plus" Zero pulled his hood down revealing his tattoo "even I have a scar and a story behind it but Yuki still loves me" My eyes widened as I took in the intricate design which looked a lot like 'Bloody Rose's' symbol "when Shizuka bit me, I literally dug into my neck trying to get the feeling away" Zero's voice was full of disgust as his eyes held a dangerous glint in them "that woman destroyed everything but now I have Yuki, her love has made me a better person now, she loved me...scars and all" Zero had a genuine smile on his face before he turned his head to look at me again.
"I'm not forcing you to do anything Misaki, it's ultimately your decision but I'm only worried about you, I can see you hurting and I don't want you to suffer" Zero got up after patting my head "your brother is always here for you" I smiled up at him and nodded.
My brother is here for me...even Nao never felt like as much of a brother as Zero does...
We walked back to the chairman's house but Zero stopped by the door making me run into his back "ow" I protested rubbing my nose and Zero chuckled before looking over his shoulder at me "fair warning, Kaname always has Christmas dinner with us"
My jaw unhinged as Zero grinned throwing the door open and marching inside making me deadpan.
Always here for me...my damn foot...
"There you are" the chairman grinned and I forced a smile his way ignoring Kaname's gaze directed at me and shrugged my hoodie off just as Yuki jumped on me. I squeaked holding onto her and placing a hand on the counter so that we don't both fall "I smell chocolate" I shook my head smiling at her childishness and nodded "it's cake" I said and her eyes lit up as she started for the kitchen but I grabbed the back of her shirt stopping her "for after dinner" I said sternly and she sighed then pouted as she looked at me puppy dog eyes but I still shook my head.
"Let's get the food" I suggested and Yuki nodded as she followed me into the kitchen and we both managed to take the food out in one trip "dig in" I smiled watching Yuki sit down next to Zero and my eyes narrowed as the only seat available was between Yuki and Kaname.
Sighing, I sat down but shuffled my chair closer to Yuki trying to not let anyone noticed but I could see Kaname's hand clench as his eyes followed my movement.
"Are you two okay?" the chairman asked uneasily after sometime because all throughout dinner, neither Kaname nor I said a word to anyone "I'm fine" I reassured him with a smile before excusing myself from the table and placing my plate in the sink "leave the washing to me Misaki" I heard Zero call out and obliged because all I wanted to do was run to my room and hide until Kaname leaves.
I got the cake out and smiled when I saw Yuki literally drooling as I placed it down in front of her "your favorite" I announced cutting a slice and giving it to her first and she eagerly took a huge bite sighing in satisfaction "you are a goddess Misa, I worship the ground you walk on" Yuki dramatized as she shoved more cake into her mouth and I shook my head at her antics as I passed out cake to everyone else.
"You aren't taking?" the chairman questioned as I put the knife away "actually, I'm feeling very sleepy. So I'm going to hit the hay" I smile as cheerfully as I can and fight back the blue aura surrounding me when I see Yuki too absorbed with her cake, the chairman smiled understandingly but Zero and Kaname drill holes into me with their piercing gazes "goodnight everyone"
I close my eyes as I lean against my room door dropping my pretentious act of being happy before I trudge over to my dressing table and place all my weapons on it then pull the gloves off resting it next to the gun and ring but sometime compels me to open the drawer where I had kept the gift for Kaname.
I gingerly pick it up and walk over to my bed flopping down on my back as I hold the gift up looking at it intently as if it would give me answers to my questions and would ease the thoughts whirling around my head.
You need to understand one thing Misaki, my feelings are far from platonic
He will keep you happy
I mean something to you
Even I have a scar and a story behind it but Yuki still loves me
You are so much more to me
If someone truly loves you, scars are a trivial matter
Tell me to leave you alone Misaki
Do you really want nothing to do with me?
My feelings are far from platonic
A sigh escaped my lips as I clenched my hand around the gift, what do you mean by that Kaname? What am I supposed to make from what he told me?
I draped an arm across my eyes as I held the gift to my chest, my thoughts consuming me whole as what both Zero and Kaname told me kept repeating over and over again like a stuck record.
What should I do?