Media: Arms – Christine Perri
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Jared's POV
I wished that he would give me a reason to walk away, so I didn't have to have this conversation with myself trying to find a remotely valid reason for me to convince myself that I needed to end this.
I wished that I had the balls to end this.
I wished that I was a bigger man and that I could leave him now. Leave him and Heath. Prevent all the misery they would face the moment they chose to be with me. Because misery is all that I can promise to give them- I had nothing else to offer. If I learnt anything from my past relationships, it was that any relationship that I got into, would end badly. I'll lose interest, I'll say something heartless or tactless, it'll start with arguments, it'll end with fights. There will be tears, things might get thrown around. I'll lose my temper, I'll give threats to make my exit easier on me. That's what I'm used to, that's all I could offer.
Misery and pain. Pain, tt was almost guaranteed, with what my job is. How could I take all these with me, and tie them to me?
I wished I never pulled Coe into this life. This life that had left him with a hole to his side and his precious and innocent blood spilt. He didn't choose this life for himself, I did. I chose to involve him when he could have been free, free from me. He wasn't like me, he wasn't like Heath. We chose this life, he didn't. Yet now he was so intimately involved with the both of us.
What have I done?
Didn't I want to protect him? Didn't I want him to be happy, to be safe and to be loved? How can I do that if I'm bringing him into this life and tying him down to me and Heath? Tying him down to a life that was filled with violence?
I wished that it wasn't so terrifying to consider breaking his heart to protect him. I wished that the image of Coe's crying face, a look of hurt across his sweet features, would leave my mind alone. I wished that the look of disappointment on Heath's face would also just leave me alone. I know they would both be hurt and disappointed, to know that I was having thoughts like these.
It was torture to be left with my own thoughts. But I couldn't stop.
I was having second thoughts about sealing our relationship with each other legally, officially. I was having third thoughts. A fourth. God knows where these thoughts will take me? When they'll stop?
Maybe we needed to slow down. Maybe we needed to think this through once more. Who benefits from our union? What were the pros and cons? Were the risks worth it? Should be just stay the way we were? After all, not having a legal document to say that we had any relation at all to one another changed nothing between us. Better yet, that meant that Heath and Coe were free to leave me anytime they wanted to. Leave me and the misery that I will bring to them. I'll be giving them an out, because they'll need it.
I shivered at the memory of what happened last night. Coe's wound had reopened when we were talking, and he didn't say a word as he held onto both Heath and I, repeating that he never wanted us to leave his side, that he wanted a life together with us officially.
Why would he do that? Why would he endure that kind of pain, that kind of risk just to tell us something so... uncertain? I don't mean to leave his side, I won't do that to him. I won't ever let him feel alone, or be in danger without me by his side ever again. But why would he want anything with me officially? Didn't he know that before him, my track record shows that I am a man incapable of long term commitment? Why would he still want that from me? Why was marriage so important to him?
I ran my finger through my hair tiredly. I haven't had a wink of sleep since I sat in this couch. How could I? My heart was still skipping beats from the memory of it.
If the doctors hadn't burst in to check in on him, he could have passed out from the blood loss, and God knows how long it would have taken him to wake up again this time.
My hands were still clammy from the memory, from the fact that I almost lost him again. Almost. Too close.
"Did you seriously stay up all night in that couch?"
I startled, turning my head quickly with a scowl at the voice.
"I'll take that unshaven and honestly horrific look on your face as yes." Heath raised his brow amusedly, "You know, he sent you back home so you could actually rest? Not do what you would if you stayed in the hospital?"
I scoffed, "He should know better." It really wasn't a good idea for Heath to remind me that he was the chosen one. That Coe wanted him to stay with him in the hospital. Not me. I was dismissed, sent home to 'rest'. Perhaps my outburst at him was uncalled for, perhaps he was punishing me for it.
"He's worried, Jer." Heath stepped up behind me, running his hands down my neck and massaging my shoulders.
I leaned into his touch, tilting my head down so he could better access my tensed neck. God, his hands were working magic. I needed this. Some form of affection, some kind of comfort. Heath was a God-send, Coe was right.
"You've not been yourself for a long time now. You haven't been eating well, or resting well. You might function well enough to keep the group going, and business may be as usual, but I don't think Coe cares if you're doing well at work if your body is not well." Heath's voice dropped to a gentle whisper.
The gentleness eased me into a vulnerable mood. I admit it's not easy for me to open up, not even to my lovers, but I'm learning these days that it really pays to just say what I was feeling, or what my intentions were. So many misunderstandings were born from silence and assumptions. I don't have the strength to defend myself in front of two men in my life.
"I couldn't sleep. It's not that I don't want to." I admitted bitterly.
"Too excited for the wedding?" Heath asked. I could tell from his voice that he was skeptical that those were my thoughts at all. He knows me well. There was no need for me to put up a front with him.
I answered him honestly, "No. It's not excitement." I swallowed nervously. The anxious feeling in my chest building up again, "I may have agreed to it yesterday, but it was only because I was being swept along with Coe's pace. Now that I have a bit of time to think things through..." I trailed off, unsure of how to position my thoughts to Heath without implying the wrong thing, or hurting him.
"You don't want to marry Coe?"
I could see the frown on Heath's face without even looking at him.
"Does it even seem like a remotely good idea to do that to him?" I asked, sounding more timid than I intended to, "He's an innocent for fuck's sake. You and me, we're different. We chose this life for ourselves. We involved ourselves in this dangerous business because we could handle it, and we found our place while doing it. We came far, and it makes sense that we are together..."
I paused, lifting my hand to grab onto Heath's as I turned around to face him.
"It makes sense for us to be together, but Coe..." I let out a breath, "Coe is an innocent, and he would never become a hardened gang member like we are. He doesn't have that in him. Marrying me, being with us officially, that seals his life not only to us, Heath. It seals him to The Family. How can I do that to him?"
Heath fingers intertwined with mine and he took a step closer, "You know, without Coe, there would never have been an 'us'." Heath's eyes started to well up with tears, and my chest twinge in pain at the thought that I was hurting him, "How can you think for a second that we could do this without Coe?"
"I'm not saying that!" I raised my voice slightly, "I'm not saying that I don't want Coe, I'm not saying to break up or push him away! I'm saying that maybe marriage is unnecessary!" I felt exasperated, pushed a little too far by no one, just my own poisoned thoughts.
"That's the same thing as telling Coe you want to break up, it's the same as pushing him away, Jer." Heath explained tactfully as he shook his head, "You should know him well by now. For the first time, Jer, Coe actually spoke up and told you clearly what he wants. He didn't imply it, he didn't hint it, he didn't wait quietly and wished it like he has always done all his life when it came to you. He told you loud and clear what he wanted with you, with me, for us. How can you think that denying him what he wants will make him feel wanted?"
"Are you not the least bit afraid?" My grip on Heath hand loosen and I dropped my hand on my knee weakly, "After what happened to him, aren't you afraid that it would repeat again, and the next time we might not be so lucky? Next time maybe we'll lose him, for good?"
"I am." Heath didn't hesitate to say, "But I honestly think I'll be better off afraid every single day that I'll lose him, than to actually lose him now."
Damn Heath. That puts a different perspective in my head.
"Because Jer, don't get me wrong. If you told Coe now that you won't marry him, can't marry him, yes, he'll fight you first, he'll try to convince you first. Or maybe he wouldn't even do that. But you know, if you keep him at arm's length constantly, if you tell him he can have his cake but he can't eat it, how long do you think he'll keep pinning for you? How long do you think before the rejection eats him up inside until he has had enough and decides that he wants out then?" Heath shook his head, "Or did you think that Coe would never leave you because he is so utterly in love with you?" Heath let out a laugh, "If you ever, for one moment, think that you could do that to Coe because you know he won't leave, then you don't deserve Coe."
It never crossed my mind for a moment that I would do that to Coe just because I know that he would stay with me. In fact, I'm more afraid that he'll leave me.
"Besides, what happened to 'you're permanent'?" Heath sat down on the couch beside me, his hands reached out to grip mine tightly, "You know, he was telling me last night that he was afraid that you'll change your mind?" Heath let out a bitter laugh, "He said that one of the reasons he wanted you to go home alone was so that you could process what he said, and he said that he was sure you'd regret promising to marry him. I laughed at him when he told me that. I told him that if you were the man that I always knew you to be, I'm sure that when you said that he was permanent, that he really was. Permanent, Jer. That's forever. Always. If you want him to be permanent, that's the same as marrying him, no? What changed? Cold feet? Is that what it is?"
What changed? I almost lost him, that's what. Heath was supposed to understand. He was there, every moment of everyday that we had to watch Coe on that bed, fighting for his life. He was there when all we could do was stare, and pray that every breath that Coe fought to take, was not his last. How could he not understand the fear that was coursing through my veins with each pump of my heart? How can he not be afraid himself?
"He got stabbed." I cleared my throat at the thick saliva that had gathered along with my emotions, "Now everytime I close my eyes, I jerk awake in a panic because I am afraid that I am dreaming all these up, and he is really still lying on that hospital bed, unconscious. That's what's changed."
Heath furrowed his brows, "But he's not. He's alive, Jer. He's alive and he wants to spend the rest of his remaining life alive, with you. Are you really going to exchange a life that you know you will be loved, for a mediocre, miserable and lonely life, because you fear that you'll lose Coe to something dangerous?"
"It is not unfounded fear, you know." I countered.
Heath nodded, "I do know. I know it painfully so. I know it everytime we go out into the field."
We carry the weight of losing our lives at any point when we step out of our house. Hell, even our house might not be safe for us to be in. We were walking around with a target painted on our backs because of what we do. Bringing Coe into the picture means painting a target on that vulnerable, small back of his.
I let my head drop tiredly, pinching the bridge of my nose as I sensed headache forming from my lack of rest, "Which brings me to the next point. You know our jobs, you know what dangers we practically throw ourselves into. What makes you think that we won't somehow end our lives prematurely and leave Coe before the end of his life. We'll be leaving him alone, leaving him with a gaping hole in his life. We'll bring sadness to him, I know for sure."
"Founded fears. Yes, but everyone dies, Jared Jackson. Are you saying that just because we'll end in death, means we all don't deserve to love, or be happy, or be with someone we love? Are you saying that because we will come to know loss, that we shouldn't gain?" Heath asked sincerely. He has clearly made up his mind where he was going to stand with Coe, with me. It seems, I was the only one struggling with this.
"I'm saying that I'm afraid."
"So am I." Heath leaned closer and kissed my on the side of my head, "But I'm saying, take that risk Jared, take that risk with us, and love with all you have, until you can't. I'm saying that if you know you could lose this wonderful at any time, then treasure it while you have it. Don't throw it away just because you're afraid to lose it. You deserve to be happy, you deserve us, like we deserve you. Choose us, Jared Jackson. Choose us because we need you. Choose us because at the end of the day, being with you makes us happy, it defines our lives, the highlight of our lives. If you don't want to be selfish, then you'll give us what we want- a life with you, together, officially, forever."
I looked up at Heath, tears gathering in my eyes. Why is this asshole so eloquent and convincing? How did he take minutes to tear down all the reasons I had listed in my head that I should back out? How did he make me want to be better by giving in to his suggestions? Why was I so damn in love with this idiot for always telling me what I needed to hear, and never sugar coating it? How is it that I want to trust him so damn badly?
Heath held my face in his hands, staring at me as I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"I'm saying, don't walk away." Heath choked up, "I'm saying that you're worth it, we're worth it. I'm saying, make us permanent."
He leaned in and let my eyes flutter shut as he drew his lips against mine, kissing me deliberately, as though using his lips to tell me his intentions. As though to convince me that I had no other choice, that it's him, it's Coe, and it's them, that I could ever choose. As though to chase away all my fears and my second thoughts.
His lips were gentle against mine, yet purposeful, and I let him lead me away from the darkness in my mind, in my heart.
I relinquish my hold on the darkness that I had grown used to. I'll leave it up to him and Coe to let the light into my life. I'll let go. He won. They won.
Damn it all.
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Coe's POV
"Jared? Would you please help me with this?" I frowned, tearing it off my neck again, hating that I was still failing to match up the lengths properly for the umpteenth time. Why the heck is the back longer than the front every single damn time?!
"How is it that you're grown as heck but still don't know how to tie a tie?" Jared chuckled as he look at me through the mirror he was in front of.
I threw the damned snake of a fabric on the floor angrily, "Forget it, I'm going without." Who needs a tie? It was a 'black-tie optional' occasion. Optional being the operative word.
"I'll do it." He frowned, "Come." He gestured for me to approach him.
"No, Heath won't make fun of me. I don't like you." I folded my arms and pouted, "This damn piece of cloth hates me. The feeling's very very mutual."
Jared grinned, turning around to look at me with what resembled affections in his eyes, but I barely acknowledged it, "You love me, and stop comparing me to Heath."
"Stop giving me a reason to." I huffed, tilting my nose away from him.
"You're fucking adorable when you're pissed." Jared dropped the tone of his voice, and I felt my stomach twist. There was an animalistic look on his face as he regarded me, and I hate-loved it.
"Alright, enough, the both of you." Heath said as he entered the room, already dressed in his suit, he held out his hand towards me and I took it, glaring at Jared, "You will not wear a tie for your ceremony." He brushed at my cheeks, "You'll be wearing a bow." He held out his hand to present another snake-like fabric, and I grimaced.
I reached for the lapels of his suit, noticing how painfully attractive Heath could be, "You look nice. Very handsome." I blushed, staring at the neat combed back hair and that beautiful smile that was directed at me. Why does Heath always steps in at the right time to make my life so much better?
"Well, guy's got to look his best for today huh?" Heath placed the black cloth around my turned up collar, tugging at it expertly to somehow make a bow. How? I don't know. Magic maybe.
"Where's antman?" Jared asked, his hands moving to straighten out his tie as he stared at the both of us.
"Antman?" I frowned confused as I fiddled with the button on Heath's vest.
"The Family's lawyer. His name is Antonio. Unfortunately for him, Jared's rather taken to him. Hence, a pet name." Heath leaned forward while still tying up my bow to kiss me on the lips. I leaned into the kiss, loving the affection.
"That's... Cute." Pet names huh. We don't have any from Jared.
"I try. So, has he arrived?" Jared asked again, walking towards us, dressed impeccably once again from head to toe like a fucking model, "I don't want us to be late." His stupidly attractive face said. I might still be feeling a little pouty from the small outburst earlier, but that doesn't make me blind. This idiot was seriously way too attractive for his own good, and boy does he know it.
"We could always file the adoption later, Jer." Heath made the final adjustments to my tie and stepped back to admire his work with a smile.
"What? No. I want to do this first." Jared frowned.
"Why? What's the rush?" Heath asked with a brow raised.
"Nothing." Jared turned away from us as he busied himself with something nearby.
"Jer?" I called out. Seeing Jared fidgety or unsure always made me unsure. This idiot was my rock and if something could rattle my rock, colour me shook.
"It's nothing."
I stepped towards him, touching Jared's arm with concern, "It's something. Tell us. What's the problem?"
"There's no problem at all." Jared eased out of my grip and held my hand.
"Then what is it? Why the rush? Did Boss say something?"
Jared kissed the back of my hand, and I refused to get distracted by his act of affection.
"No."
"Then what is it?" Heath asked, his voice starting to sound concerned.
"You'll think I'm stupid."
"I honestly think you're stupid for so many other reasons anyway. Just tell us." I might have been slightly rude, but I really just wanted to know.
Jared glared at me silently for a few moments, before he started, "It's just that... I can't marry the both of you..."
"Yes... We knew that. It'll have caused our marriages to be null and void. We knew this. That's why you're adopting me instead. What is it?" Heath stepped up beside us, his hand going to my waist to hold me.
"It's stupid."
"Jer...? Seriously. Just tell us."
"I don't want Heath to think that he's less important in this relationship. I want us to complete the adoption first because maybe some idiotic part of my brain thought that it would somehow validate his place in our relationship more..."
Heath raised a brow at Jared and I felt my chest squeeze painfully.
I licked my lips, willing myself not to cry. For Jared's standard, that's more consideration than I ever could imagine he could have for anyone, "It's not stupid at all. It's really rather endearing, Jer."
Heath chuckled, reaching out to hold the back of Jared's head and leaning his forehead against Jared's for a moment, "It really is. But let me just for the record say that while I really appreciate the thought Jared, you should know better than to think that I'm such a sentimental that I would be affected by this. I know your reasons for the decisions we made together. I know the adoption doesn't actually make me your brother, nor does it make my place any different in our relationship. It's just a legal procedure we chose to partake in because of the restrictions of the law. I know where I stand with you both. It's enough for me that we ever considered to do this at all."
"I don't want you to settle, Heath. I want to give you all I can." Jared said in a whisper as he touched the side of Heath's face, and I swallowed the tears that I could.
"And it doesn't have to be a wedding ceremony. I can think of a lot of other things that you could give me, you know?" Heath winked.
I let out a laugh, squeezing Heath's arm gently.
"Damn it, I'm being serious here, Heath." Jared growled.
"And so am I. Don't be silly. If what has happened between us hasn't already shown you, it takes a lot more to drive me away from you. You can try, but you know my stubborn ass is going to stay. Wedding or not." Heath crashed his lips against Jared's, and I couldn't help the 'Aww' that I whispered.
My life was complete. Complete with two complete idiots.
My mobster best friend.
And his mobster right-hand.
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Tadah! Another chapter! I'm sad to say that this is the last chapter...
Well, there's an epilogue after this, but this story is at it's end. Officially! I really hope that you guys loved it. I'm so happy to read all of your comments, even the ones that really hate certain characters or scenes. It just tells me that you guys invested the time in my story! <3 Thank you.
Please vote, comment and share if you liked each chapter! I will be making some minor edits for each chapter as some of you suggested that I should make it clear whose POV each section starts with. So keep your suggestions and comments coming! <3 I'll love to also know if anyone has any other fantasies that they would like me to maybe explore! <3
Once again, thank you! I love you guys to bits!