rough draft. sorry.
goodnight. lol :v
R E A D A T Y O U R O W N R I S K ! 1 !
--
Decision-making. Something I am not that good at. it has been two days already since ate maymay and i talked and eversince I got home that night, I started hiding. wala naman akong planong takasan silang lahat pero tingin ko ay makakabuting i-clear ko muna ang brain ko so that I can think of possible effective solutions. hindi din naman ako makapamili. kahit na hindi ako pinapamili ni ate maymay, alam kong masasaktan ko lang sya kapag nalaman n'ya ang tungkol sa amin ni Edward.
my phone vibrated once again as a new message came through. i flipped it over to view the screen, i sighed
from: Ate Maymay
kisses, hello! kakatapos lang ng taping namin, grabe. napagod ako ng bongga, bai. hihihihi. kita tayo? namiss kita. sama ka sa amin ni Ed. magbe-breakfast kami. :)
may kung anong pumitik sa puso ko dahil sanabasa. nanghahapdi na naman ang mga mata ko and i suddenly want to laugh at the absurdity of all these.
"gosh, Kisses! this is crazy. stop crying over something so trivial, normal lang naman na mag-hang out sila dahil magkatrabaho sila and isa pa, they're friends...and lovers in front of many." i let out a deep breath and forced myself to smile eventhough my lips are quivering. "tama na nga tong pagda-drama mo." i laughingly told myself before completely getting out of bed.
i walked out of my room and went outside. naupo ako sa lounger na nakaharap sa aming swimming pool. kakasikat pa lamang ng araw at malamig pa ang simoy ng hangin. lumalangitngit ng bahagya ang bamboos na nakaline sa aming fence. nakatanggap ako ng text mula kay edward kaninang 3:45. sabi niya maaga ang call-time nila dahil kailangang makuhanan ang scene bago sumikat ang araaw at para na din makuhanan ang pagsikat nito.
"ang romantic." i whispered bitterly and shook my head.
samu't saring mga bagay ang tumatakbo sa utak ko habang nakahiga sa lounger at nakatanaw sa sky. kalat na ang liwanag. napaka-payapa ng kapaligiran, tanging huni lamang ng ibon ang naririnig ko. i stayed there, lost in my thoughts. kung hindi pa ako nakita at tawagin ni manang para kumain ay hindi pa ako matitinag. we walked back into the house, our arms linked together, my head on her shoulder. i smiled. having something familiar by myside sure does help calm me a little. "namiss kita, 'nang hilda."
bahagya siyang natawa saka umiling habang inaayos ang aming almusal. "asus. namimiss daw e halos hindi ka na nga umuuwi dito." nakatawang daingna. i showed her my puppy face na tinawanan nya lang naman.
"'nang naman!~" ungot ko sabay tayo at yumakap sa kanyang bewang. i kissed her cheek but she just laughed and lightly pushed me back to my seat.
"maupo ka na lang at alam kong gutom ka na. mamaya-maya'y bababa din sila dade mo." tumango na lang ako't naupo na nga habang abala sya sa pagsasa-ayos ng mga plato. nang maiset nya ang apat na plato sa mesa ay pumunta na s'ya sa counter and she busied herself cooking. tahimik lang kaming dalawa.
"ang aga ninyong nagising, nang? wala ba sila ate?" i asked in curiousity and also to break the ice. she glanced briefly at me then shook her head tapos binalingan nya na din ng tingin iyong mabangong niluluto nya. my stomach churned. nagugutom na ako so i stood up and staggered to the fridge. kumuha ako ng tinapay doon at gatas.
"nagday off sila Karmi, nagsabay pa nga. nakung mga babaeng iyon." kunsumidong sabi nya na ikinatawa ko na lamang. naupo akong muli sa mesa at nagsimulang kumain ng tinapay.
"anong ulam, 'nang?" tanong ko kahit mayroon naman na akong ideya base na din sa amoy nito. i can't stop my lips from smiling. i don't even know why. maybe masyado ko lang nadeprive ang sarili ko sa kalinga ng mga taong tinuring kong pamilya because of my most wanted independence. o baka naman namiss ko lang ang luto ni manang. ang tagal na din kasi akong nag-stay sa manila.
"beef tapa tsaka halabos na hipon. magsasangag din ako."
"gusto n'yo, tulungan ko kayo?" i offered, grinning. matagal syang napatingin sa akin saka napangisi. "susundin ko ang directions ninyo." i assured her, that made her laugh.
"at hanggang ngayo'y hindi ka pa din marunong magluto." she laughingly told me and i pouted.
"nang naman, kaya nga po tutulong ako o. para kahit papaano matuto ako."
"o s'ya s'ya sige. ikaw'ng bahala."
then we cooked. tinuruan niya akong magsangag at maghalabos ng shrimp which is napak-easy naman. medyo kinulang lang sa alat iyong sinangag ko dahil natakot akong baka masobrahan at mas mahirapan pa kami lalo. it's been fun cooking lalo na at pansamantalang nawaglit sa isipan ko ang problema ko ngayon.
"buti naman at naisipan mo pang umuwi." mom said. halatang nagtatampo pa din ito. ayaw niya kasi akong patirahin sa manila na mag-isa. sya nga din ang nagpilit na isama ko si ate mae sa manila kaya nabawasan ng kasambahay dito sa amin.
"ma naman."
"ay naku, ewan ko sa'yo kisses." she said tapos ay bumaling na sya sa pagkain. tiningnan ko si daddy pero natatawa lamang ito sa amin. i grinned
"good to have you back, anak. kailan ang balik mo samanila?" dad asked which made mom glare at him. hindi ko na napigilan ang matawa. they gazed into each other's eyes and burst out laughing as well. maging si manang na nakaupo sa tapat ko ay napatawa sa kanila.
breakfast went well of course. but as much as i want to spend more time with my parents, I can't. they are both hard-working. hands-on sila sa business namin and i am thankful for that kasi naibigay nila sa akin ang mga pangangailangan ko. i am sure they would stay at home if i ask them to but i can't. ayaw kong magworry sila sa akin dahil lang sa bagay na ito.
malalim akong bumuntong-hininga nang makaahon na ng tuluayan. i swept my dripping hair back with my palms, away from my face. i sighed, eyeing the end of the pool. "isa pa." i told myself pero bago pa man ako lumangoy ay napahinto na ako sa pagtawag sa akin ni manang.
"kisses!"
"po?" i shot back, glancing over my shoulder. she emerged from the glass doors that led to where i am right now--the pool area. she walked briskly with a phone on her hand, toward me so i assumed it must be something really important. nagsimula na aking kabahan. i hope everything's okay.
mabilis akong umahon at nagsuot ng robe saka sya sinalubong. "may tawag ka." nang makuha ko na ang cellphone ko ay nagpaalam na syang papanik na para magligpit sa kwarto ko. i nodded and checked the caller id.
hindi ko na naiwasang mapa-face palm nang makita ko ang pangalan ni ate cora. magmula kasi noong gabing nakausap ko si yong, tinatawagan na nya ako pero hindi ko sinasagot dahil hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko, kung paano akong magsisimula.
isa pa ay nahihiya ako kay ate cora, parang anga shallow at childish lang naman kasi ng mga bagay na piniproblema ko ngayon. i sucked in some air bago ko itapat sa akingtenga ang spaker ng aking cellphone.
tahimik sa kabilang linya. i gulped. "a-ate cora."
"thank goodness at suamgot kadin!" she exclaimed with relief and guilt washed through me. "i was so worried about you. akala ko napaano ka na kaya tinawagan kita noong gabing yon dahil sabi ni yong ay dapat kitang kausapin. why won't you answer?" she sound so worried and frustrated na hindi ko na napigilang mapahikbi.
"sorry, ate. hindi ko lang kasi alam ang sasabihin ko sa'yo nang hindi ka magagalit sa mga taong iyon o sa akin." i sobbed. she let out a deep breath and probably counted to ten to calm herself. "i'm sorry talaga ate cora. bigla na lang akong nawala nang hindi nagsasabi sa inyo." isa pang buntong hininga ang pinakawalan nya.
"okay, okay. but sill, you could've at least talked to me. hindi ko naman ipipilit na sabihin mo sa akin ang problema mo. i just want to be there for you, kisses. because you're always by my side. through good times and bad."
hindi ko na napigilang mapahagulgol. "sorry ate."
"i'm sorry too. i was just so worried."
i hmm-ed and frantically nodded my head.
"kailan balik mo ng dito, niyan? can we meet?"
"oo, ate. baka next week. monday" i sniffed.
"sige. take care of yourself, kisses."
"hm. the food here is great," she chuckled with what i said.
"kissfood again and again. i'll be meeting you by monday. i'll call to check up on you from time to time and I expect you to answer your phone, okay? tanner and jinri's also worried sick."
"sorry." i glibly sat on the lounger, hugging my knees.
"ah, and also, kisses... i know you love to keep people you like close to you but please, don't sacrifice your happiness for someone else's, okay? i love you."
pinilit kong lunukin ang kung ano mang namuo sa lalamunan ko dahil sa sinabi ni ate cora. Sinabi ba ni Yong? i let out a deep breath and smiled. "i love you too, ate."
just as the call ended, another call came in at halos maibato ko ang cellphone ko nang makita ang pangalan ni Edward sa screen. my heart hammered painfully against my chest. i pushed my palm against my chest to put pressure on it, in hopes that the pain will go away. it did not. m ymind is racing. nagkakagulo na ang brain cells ko sa pag-iisip ng kung anog sasabiin ko kay Edward. with shaky breath and clammy hands, i accepted the call and blurted out the words that first came out of my brain.
"stop bothering me!" i yelled, my eyes widened when I realized what i did. nakakahiya. my gosh. gusto ko mang bawiin ay hindi ko na magawa. huli na. nasabi ko na at nahihiya ako kay Edward. i've been really cold to him at ito na yat yung pinaka-intense kong response sa kanya. sana pala hindi ko na lang in-accept ang tawag. kainis!
"kisses--" bago pa man nya matapos ang sasabihin ay tinapos ko na ang tawag. para akong nanghina at tuluyang pabagsak na nahiga sa lounger. nakatingin lamang ako sa malaking payong na pinaset up o kay kuya kaloy, ang driver namin. my vision turned blurry as memories flooded in my mind. the pain i felt a year ago quadrupled because right now, it is so clear that i will be losing him. at walang ibang masisisi kundi ako. kasalanan ko kung mawala sya sa akin.
parang paulit ulit na pinipiga ang puso ko dahil sa kaisipan na hindi ko makakasama pa si Edward. i sighed, tears streamed down my face.
i know you love to keep people you like close to you but please, don't sacrifice your happiness for someone else's ' ate Cora's words rang through my ear. my happiness?
without further thought i picked my phone back up and called him. he picked up on the first ring. "Kisses! are you okay? did i do something wrong? please tell me. I'm sorr--" he started to say;
i butted in even before he could apologize. wala siyang kasalanan dito, kung mayroon mang dapat na mag-apologize ay ako iyon. "i love you and i'm sorry. i don't care if you'll sooon get tired of me and find someone better. i might be selfish but all i want right now is to be with you for the rest of my life."
nabalot kami ng katahimikan, tanging ang paghabol ko lang ng hininga ang naririnig sa pagitan naming dalawa. unti-unti akong pinamulahan ang mapagtanto ko ang sinabi ko. "uhhh...ano, n-napasobra yata. hehehe. Sorry."
"where are you?" he suddenly asked.
i frowned. "huh?"
"saan ka?"
"why?"
"i just want to hug you and kiss you right now and i know that you won't be here soon."
"how did you..."
"i went to your pad... so where are you?"
"m-Masbate."
"okay. see you a little later, wifey."
"ha?!" my face burned up with embarrassment. hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko syang harapin ngayon, mamaya o kahit bukas pa! wala man lang palugit? "hala! Pupunta ka dito? wag na!"
"hahaha. i love you more." then the call ended. despite the slight embarrassment i feel, I smiled. it felt like something heavy has been lifted off my chest. I'm glad i said that. i've never been happier.