13th August, 2020
Abu Musa narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: "There is no marriage except with a Wali." Reference: Tirmidhi
Chapter 20:
Gatekeeper Of All Hearts
Laeeq was breathing heavily as he got out of his car at 5:56 PM in the basement parking of the hospital. If anyone saw the way he banged his car door shut, they'd probably mistake his hurry as being someone who made sure he reached work on time. But as he ran towards the lift, his mind was in overdrive, thinking about the consequences of Leila listening to that recording.
Just as he reached the administration office where Leila's desk was sitting, he breathed a sigh of relief as he saw her. She was waving goodbye to her colleague, and looked towards him confusedly as he finally reached before her.
"Assalam Alaykum, doctor." She spoke.
"Wa Alaykum Assalam, you--"
"I was just leaving." She replied.
"One second, wait." Laeeq said, halting her.
"Yeah?"
"Uhhh... This is a little awkward, but I was wondering if you got a message yesterday." He stuttered. "I mean, you obviously did. But, that was a mistake so I was hoping you haven't opened it. It wasn't meant for you, I mean, it was but-- Um, I sent that by accident--"
"It's okay, I'll delete it." Leila said, laughing a little.
"Oh." Laeeq froze. "Oh. Okay."
"Yeah, don't worry about it." Leila nodded.
"Thank you, I mean, sorry." Laeeq realised how bad he really was at expressing what he felt.
"Goodbye, doctor Laeeq." She said firmly before shaking her head.
"Okay, bye." He said, as she disappeared out of the door.
Well, that was easy. He thought to himself as he walked towards the staff room. Why did it sound so hard in my head?
He was glad she hadn't listened to it yet, and more than that, he was glad her heart was protected by the gatekeeper of all hearts. Even if it was from him, as much as that hurt him. He was at peace with his past, perhaps in an over-the-top way, for he feared the repetition of history. He wondered why it seemed to bother him so much that she'd find out things about him he had buried. He cared how she thought of him, but it had only been a few months since he'd known Leila.
His paranoia was valid, but he hoped he wasn't deluding himself about the way fate works.
He wouldn't be able to bear a story like Samir, and for that, he needed to work on his timing.
And trust the gatekeeper of all hearts.
***
As for Samir, he was walking past Fatima every day with great difficulty. He almost thought she had forgotten about his proposal as she showed absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. Even when Laeeq had a discussion with the two of them about their head of department, she had not looked towards him once. Not even mistakenly. She had all means of contacting him, he was sure she had his number saved in her phone too. But there hadn't been a single prompt of a conversation from her.
It was always him. He almost wished his heart would stop making him go back to her just to get hurt. Or perhaps he had been stepping overboard with his glances. All in all, all his hopes had faded into nothingness.
Until that fateful night, their shifts ended at the same time.
"Fatima?" Samir called, spotting her as he walked into the basement car parking.
"Please tell me this isn't real." Fatima groaned, pressing the buttons on her car key, even if they seemed to ignite no response from the vehicle.
"Okay, this isn't real." Samir tried not to laugh, the poor girl was locked out of her car.
"Thanks, Samir." She rolled her eyes.
"If you need it, I can give you a ride home." He offered.
"I was thinking I'll just stay here..." Fatima weighed her options.
"Why aren't you, then?" He asked. "Khadijah's still here." He pointed out.
"I know, I was just going back because--" She stopped abruptly, turning a little red.
"You don't have to tell me." He raised his hands in defense. "Okay then, assalam alaykum." He said, turning away to locate his car.
"Wait." She said, making him stop in his tracks. "I have something to talk to you about."
"Yes?" He asked, turning to face her.
"I have to tell you..." She looked conflicted, but soon recovered. "The answer to your question, you know, that day, when you were... Um, when you--"
"You have an answer for my proposal." He finished for her, watching her turn redder, and she nodded.
"Okay, I'm ready to hear it." He spoke, and though he supported a calm exterior, his mind was working ahead of time. All sorts of scenarios swept past his eyes.
"But before that, I have some questions for you, if you don't mind." She said gingerly. "There are things I can only assume, so I want to ask you for an honest answer."
"How are we going to do this?" He asked, his eyes darting here and there in an attempt to figure out her next step.
"My parents went back to Eljanaz, and there is nobody else here except Khadijah. So we'll have to call my dad and let him listen in to our conversation." She explained.
"That's fine with me." Samir agreed.
"And we have to do this while going to my house... in your car." She said, almost making it sound like a question.
"That is... also fine with me." He smiled.
"Okay, Alhamdulillah." Fatima nodded, pocketing her keys. "Oh, and a disclaimer; I have nothing to hide, so you can ask the most awkward questions."
"I have nothing to ask you." He said, as they walked towards his car.
"Nothing at all?" She raised her eyebrows.
"No. At least, not until after our marriage... In Shaa Allah." He said sincerely.
She nodded, speechless. Did he know her that well?
"It's not that I have no interest in knowing about you." He clarified. "I just feel like I know you enough for this."
"You're making me feel bad about having questions." She said, earning a panicked expression from him.
"No, you must ask what you have to." He said, and she nodded while dialling her father's number.
"Assalam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu." He greeted her father as they pulled out of the parking space onto the streets.
As small talk ensued between Samir and her father, he noticed her waiting patiently and bought their conversation on track.
"I guess you can ask now, Fatima." He promoted her.
"I'm not sure how to word this..." She sighed.
"Then be rude and get it out of the way." He advised. "I don't mind rudeness if you're seeking answers for something you'll have to deal with for your entire life."
"When I said I was leaving this city five years ago, why didn't you stop me?" She asked.
"I tried telling you that you meant a lot to me, in a way that was islamically possible." He spoke.
"If you had asked me for time, or to stay a little longer, I would've." Fatima said, feeling a little embarrassed.
"If I clinged onto you any more than I did, it would be called stalking." He replied. "I'm sure you want a husband, not a criminal. And I am not someone who stops people achieving their dreams, you said you were going on a project."
"I did go on a project. I got stuck there because people started telling me I should get married, and after that, because you didn't contact me, I thought I had to assume you had no interest." Fatima spoke. "I'm sorry for making assumptions."
"I'm sorry too, that you had to believe it." Samir agreed. "And now that we're here, let's promise not to ever make assumptions about each other."
"Yes, I promise." Fatima smiled. "Okay, next question, I am not someone who believes that my decisions are always correct. Would that be a problem for you?"
"It would be a problem, yes." Samir said, after a while.
"How?" She asked.
"I'm going to park the car over here, because we'll arrive before we finish." He said, and she nodded and waited as her father agreed on the phone too. "Okay, so it's going to be a problem for me if you can't make decisions irrespective of your feelings."
"That's not what I meant." Fatima shook her head. "My feelings are at the right place. But my judgement is a little wonky. I can't easily decide if something is a pro or a con, even if I did, I tend to change my decisions a lot."
"I think almost all of us are like that." Samir said.
"I'm talking about big decisions." Fatima reminded him. "I am full of all kinds of contradictions. For example, I still need to ask you questions. Even after knowing you since childhood, while you don't."
"You are asking me questions because of your insecurities." Samir clarified gently. "You think you are not good enough."
"Maybe..." Fatima answered.
"It's not that I don't have insecurities, you know?" Samir shrugged. "It's just that I'm working on them, and for you, Fatima, one who thinks life is full of contradictions, that every person has to waver from time to time..."
"But it's true." Fatima wondered aloud.
"It might apply to a lot of people, but I am not everybody." He shook his head. "I am Samir. I don't have the courage to waver because there is no ground if I fall. I have never had perfect circumstances in my life, maybe because I have been an orphan for a very long time."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up--" Fatima said guiltily.
"It's not about being an orphan though, people can be lonely even when they have families." Samir relayed. "And I think the ones who have belief in their decisions are mostly people with a lot of detachment in emotional relationships. They believe in things so much that they end up doing it to outrun the ones who told them it's impossible or wrong. They can be wrong, but they would be ready to pay the price. This is just my view though."
"Are you saying it's wrong to have insecurities?" She asked.
"It sounded like that, didn't it?" He chuckled. "It's not wrong, but we have them as a result of unhealthy comparison. We can't do that to ourselves, it's a source of guilt and a source of motivation. It depends on what you choose to display."
"That actually put a lot of things into perspective for me." Fatima said in awe. "That's when we find peace for ourselves."
"Exactly." Samir nodded.
"As for your question, I'd say pray the istikhaara salah whenever you're in doubt." Samir told her. "We can't ever be sure if we're always making the right decisions, but He is always there to help. I will make du'a for you, that he eases your mind into doing what is right."
"Jazakumullahu khairan." Fatima spoke, moved by his words.
"Wa iyyakum." He replied.
"I guess I have a little confidence now, that I'm making the right decision." Fatima told him.
"Wait, I don't want you thinking I always make the right decisions." Samir said quickly. "I don't really know where to wait and where not to either. I am lost, I admit. But I can handle it because I try to obey all His commands and do whatever I feel is good and safe after istikhaara."
"You make it sound easy, even though I know how hard it is to admit that." Fatima told him. "Ma Shaa Allah."
"To a person who's left me hanging before, do you think it was easy to confess?" He asked her. "I had to fight my own preferences for this. Shaytaan was putting some really bad things in my mind."
"I know it was hard for you." She said soothingly.
"I couldn't breathe inside that hospital for days after I told you I wanted to marry you." Samir told her.
"I thought it was bearable, the world makes it seem that way." She said guiltily. "I'm sorry that me being here triggered you into it."
"I'm glad you're here though." He said honestly. "I am really very happy to have gotten this chance."
"I don't know what to say to that..." Fatima told him. "But I'm glad too, that you have a chance."
"It isn't easy to confess, Fatima." He said softly. "I am the kind of person who doesn't take confessions lightly. And it hurts quite a bit, it feels like parting with a piece of yourself."
"I know." She consoled him.
"No, you don't." Samir said, casting a glance at her. "You never have. I don't like imagining that you like me."
"Do you want me to confirm that right now?" She asked.
"Not like this, no." Samir shook his head. " But I have to know, if you want us to get married you have to be upfront with it. At least then, I would get an idea of the level of interest you have."
"It's because I can't promise anything." Fatima felt sorry for him, but she had to be careful, didn't she?
"A promise is not made until the nikah papers are signed." Samir told her. "I don't expect anything from you until then, but there is a procedure we have to follow. It requires your trust in me, and it needs you to believe in us. You have to want this as much as I do, and you have to let me know that."
There were a few moments of silence as Fatima processed what he said.
"You're right." Fatima said at last. "I've learnt a lot more from you in this one session of questioning than I did in my entire life."
"Alhamdulillah, you were destined for this knowledge, I am just a mediator." He complimented her subtly, and she found herself smiling at his cunning reply. "Does this mean the questions have ended?"
"It does. For now, at least." She nodded. "You answered far more questions than I asked."
"Alhamdulillah. Let's drop you home, then." Samir nodded.
It was a bittersweet conversation, but he knew just how much she needed it. As the saying goes, "life isn't a bed of roses", but they would work to remove the thorns together. After being childhood best friends, they'd had a lot of confusion and misunderstanding in their teenage years. They had naturally grown apart, but as they bid goodbye to her father who praised Samir, and when he complimented Fatima on her bravery to ask her questions... Samir realised that she was still the same little girl he had carried the day she had fallen off of a swing.
She was the same girl with too many questions and too little belief in herself. She was the one who needed to be loved to a point where she felt safe in her own skin. More often than not, she blamed herself for a lot of things that were out of control. Samir would most definitely change that for her. He was glad she listened to him, and he prayed with every ounce of sincerity in his soul that she finds him as soothing as the morning dew on green grass. He prayed that their Lord allowed him to open the gates of her heart, for he truly believed he had been escorted to her door by the gatekeeper of all hearts.