I don't feel the slightest bit embarrassed thinking about the way I had begged Maria to come with me. At this point in time, I just really need to get away from my house just for a little while in order to clear my mind, however it's hard when you don't have a car nor someone to go with. Maria was confused as to why I suddenly wanted a 'road trip' when exam season is coming up yet I didn't want to let her know exactly why.
I obviously had to let her know about the proposal and what happened while Zach had visited with his parents. She had been suspicious about the way I'd lied to her about not knowing what was going on with it when in actual fact, at the end of that week Rimsha and his parents had set a date for our engagement. Of course I had felt totally horrible for lying to my best friend but I was grateful that she couldn't see my burning face and worried expression through the line.
I haven't been going to College for the past few days and my exams are the last thing on my mind, the whole proposal shenanigans doesn't want to leave my head. Not that I've been counting or anything, but I've had around three panic attacks just thinking about that day and what happened before it.
Speaking of what happened before it, I've been trying my ultimate best to avoid Kamil and his Mother, however due to living in the same house as them...It's kinda hard. Everytime I'd bump into Rimsha, I couldn't help but tighten my jaw at her overly happy expressions whereas bumping into Kamil is the complete opposite: fear, anxiety and shamefully portraying weakness.
Ugh.
After placing the hoover in its rightful place, I stand up whilst ripping my earphones out from under my hijab before placing it into my pocket along with my phone. I wash my hands and make my way out into the corridor after drying them against my skirt. The building is quiet and I furrow my eyebrows once I reach Hudayfah's mini office, confused as to why he isn't here yet.
He's probably still at University.
I shrug off the thought and instead focus on what's ahead. My smile grows bigger with every step I take, the blurred glass door coming closer in reach. I let out a little giggle before quickly composing myself in order not to seem like a wierd teenage girl who is acting like an over excited child.
Bringing my fist to the glass, I knock ever so lightly and my smile grows wider (if that's even possible) once a familiar voice instantly calls out.
I push the door open and peek my head in, grinning at the middle aged man who is sat at his desk in front of his computer. He beams at me whilst waving his hand enthusiastically, making me laugh.
"I've done!" I make my way inside, leaving the door open due to the growing warmth in the office.
"And me!" Uncle Walid hits the keyboard dramatically before standing up with such force that his chair rolls back and hits the wall behind him. He strides over to his mini fridge as I jump onto the windowsill, throwing my legs back and forth. "Milk?"
I mock gag at him and he chuckles before throwing me a can of lemonade and grabs out a mini bottle of milk for himself. We both take a sip of our drinks with me totally loving the feel of the cold liquid entering my system after the hard work of cleaning this building.
Uncle Walid suddenly gags this time, his face contorting with disgust as he holds out the milk bottle away from his face, glaring at it. "Blergh!" He cries, his tongue which has white liquid on it flops out of his mouth. "It's gone off!"
I laugh in amusement, watching as he tightens the cap back on before flinging it into his bin, clearly unhappy about his current situation. He turns his head to look at me, his eyebrows are furrowed and his frown deepens when he catches my grin.
"How would you feel if that was off?" He mumbles through his pouted lips, pointing his finger at the can of lemonade which sits in my hand.
"Well, I can't answer that, Uncle," I snort. "It's not off, it's...fresh!" I take a swig off the drink but almost spray it out once Uncle Walid's frown has been wiped off his face and he's now bawling out laughter. The fizz of the drink runs back up my nose, making my fce contort but soon I join in with his howling.
"Oh, little Alvina," He sighs, wiping a tear from his eye. "You do make me laugh."
"You laugh at everything!" I retort with a playful eye roll to which he shrugs his shoulders and raises his arms with a chuckle. "Oh, Uncle, you do make me laugh."
At this he bursts out laughing, clapping his hands as he does so, making me stare at him in amusement. His laugh becomes high pitched, hitting the walls of his office and I run a hand down my face, laughing at him. A few moments pass and he finally calms down, going over to his mini fridge before grabbing out a bottle of water and taking a sip.
His face is flushed because of how hard he was laughing and I furrow my eyebrows.
I swear it wasn't that funny.
"Ah!" He sighs, holding out the bottle of cold water in front of his face. "Refreshing!"
I snort at his satisfied expression as he ogles the bottle, drops of water trickling down it. He then proceeds to shut the fridge door with his knee before striding over towards his desk, clearing it with his hands so he can make room for himself to take a seat on it when there's a perfectly good chair besides it.
Uncle Walid slips off his smart shoes and lifts his legs up, bringing them under each other on his desk. He then looks at me with a smile, tilting his head slightly. I grin, placing my can of lemonade besides me on the windowsill before latching my fingers beneath the edges and swinging my feet back and forth. I watch him curiously as he looks down at his hands and then back up at me, his silence confusing me.
He then laughs suddenly, a smile sweeping onto his face, his eyes scanning the floor as if reading something. "Oh, Alvina...today just...it was beautiful," He begins, his eyes flickering up to meet my confused ones yet he dismisses the questioning features sat across my face. "A teenage boy- well, let's say a man down on one knee asking her to marry him, there was no-one applauding yet they looked so happy."
I swallow, my eyes never leaving his face, wondering why he is randomly mentioning this. We were just laughing moments ago and now he's decided I bring up this topic which is cute yet makes me uncomfortable. I fiddle with my can once again, my shoes scraping against one another in irritation.
"I watched them from afar in my car like a weird old man but the couple seemed so in love, you know?" He says, looking up at my face and I quickly stop gnawing on my bottom lip and give him a forced smile, nodding my head. He sighs and carries on. "It just reminds me of when I proposed to Sana: how her eyes bulged out of her sockets and her smile...her smile was everything. Just..."
I watch him silently as he talks about his late wife, his eyes glistening as he recalls the moment he asked for her hand in marriage. His story goes on and I smile softly, however his words seem to fade into the back of my mind and I don't realise until his voice raises slightly, probably repeating a question.
"How are things at home, little Alvina?" He asks, his head tilted and I let out a little laugh yet he doesn't seem to be in the mood for laughing anymore for some reason.
"They're good," I say with a nod of my head before nervously fixing my headscarf. It's not an odd question to ask me anymore: I'm beginning to think that Uncle Walid has figured out that my house isn't my safe haven any longer. "How about you?"
"I've heard that you've had a proposal?" He says with a tight smile, ignoring my question and making me shift uncomfortably in my seat, feeling heat rise to my cheeks. So that's why he brought up the topic, I should have known it would lead to this.
I shrug nonchalantly before jumping off the windowsill and then regretting it, not knowing what to do next so I fold my arms across my chest, leaning against the windowsill instead.
I'm unsure of what to reply with so I resort to pursing my lips and giving him a quick nod.
Why am I so awkward?
Uncle Walid slides off his desk, making his way to stand in front of me. My eyes stay on my feet which are fiddling with one another and I tell myself to look up, but I can't.
"Alvina," His voice is soft and I see his multi coloured woolly socks makes its way into my sight. If he wasn't having one of his rare moments of being so serious and me being extremely awkward, I would have made a comment and laughed at them. "Are you okay with this?"
I immediately look up and stare at him dumbfounded, wondering how I should answer this. Do I be honest and tell him how I feel; that I really need help? My Dad did want him to take care of me so it's okay to let him know, right? I mean, I can't just keep everything back and let all my fear, sever unhappiness and anxiety take away my sanity, now can I? It's not good for my mental health and help is what I need to make a drastic change to my life to achieve something closer to peace.
I should let him know.
"Totally great!" I force out a big grin, widening it when he doesn't seem to believe me. "Honest, Uncle! I really want this, I think it's time-"
He immediately cuts me off. "I'm here for you, don't you lie to me, young woman." His eyes are serious yet holds concern, his fading brows furrowed.
I swallow the lump in my throat as I examine his worried face. I feel my heart lurch, in need of some contact comfort and help. "Oh, so now you realise that I am in fact a woman and not a child like you think I am?!" I try joke with him but fail when my laugh comes out as a choked sob.
Within seconds, my hand is over my mouth as I try to hold back the many more hidden sobs but they fight their way out of my dry mouth, embarrassing me. Tears suddenly slide onto the back of my hand and I bite down on my quivering lips in hopes to stop crying. I take in a deep, raspy breath through the tears and immediately regret it when I hear the sound, making my other hand be brought over the other one on my mouth.
I don't dare to look up, instead lowering my face to the ground to hide my burning face from Uncle Walid who still stands in front of me and I feel bad for making him see me in this horrid state. I mean, what do you even do when someone's crying?
Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
My emotions are flying as my mind recollects memories of the past few weeks which I try hard to brush past: the proposal, encounters with Kamil and his mother sliding them to the side as if she didn't see anything.
I don't understand why I can't fight back? I could easily reject this proposal with a stern voice, knock some concern in to Rimsha's head and stand up to Kamil. I'm not one to let people trample over me! I am a strong individual who doesn't let others tame her, make her feel inferior or dare to hurt her. How dare I let anyone try to take over my own life and not do anything about it?
I feel a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and head, my face burying into a warm chest. The lump in my throat grows once I feel his warmth and my emotions begin to exaggerate. Uncle Walid holds me tighter as I hiccup slightly, my tears and bogeys smearing onto his shirt.
"It's alright, it's okay," He says soothingly as he strokes the top of my head, somehow trying to calm me down yet it just makes the tears fall faster.
His chin is placed onto my head and he sways me slightly side to side, my tears becoming uncontrollable as I end up reminiscing Dad's warm hugs which I miss. The way I'd giggle when his stubbly beard tickled me, or the way I'd feel his laugh's shake his body. How he'd mumble into my hair or crack silly jokes to make me smile.
I need him back but his time came so early. He protects me and gives me confidence, support and love but once he left everyone decided to turn against me; I even betrayed myself. How dare I let my weakness be shown when I'm one to stand my ground!
Uncle Walid holds me at an arms length as I quickly wipe away the shameful tears, sniffing my runny nose. He hands me a tissue which I quickly accept to wipe my runny nose. I let out a shaky laugh, hiding my face behind my arms and stepping away from him.
"It's going to be-"
"No, Uncle," I cut him off, forcing out a smile and looking at him with -most likely- blood shot eyes. "I'm okay right now! It's already okay."
He bites his lips and shakes his head, his eyes glistening with tears. "Islam doesn't allow forced marriages-"
"I know that," I interrupt him with a laugh. "I'm totally fine about that, I honestly want this marriage. I-I'm just not the happiest since Baba left," I fib, yet I'm truthful about Dad's departure from this world.
He eyes me sceptically, making me throw my hands into the air with a playful eye roll. "You know they can't do this-"
"I want this," I lie through my teeth, hiding feelings of guilt. If he knew what was happening at my house , he'd definitely take action. He wouldn't let anyone mistreat me seeing as he views me as his own child. I'd rather not get him involved with my own problems. "I want to marry him, I swear...It's...just hard without having Baba to give me away."
Uncle Walid sighs, running a hand down his tired face and I know that he knows I'm lying. He stares at me with pleading eyes, as if begging me admit the truth yet I shrug it off with a grin. "...Isn't that what I'm for?" He replies, trying to lighten up the topic yet his voice sounds concerned.
I smile. "You'll give me away?"
He nods slowly, a tight smile forced onto his worried face. "Definitely, if this is what you want. If this marriage is what you want."
"I do," I grind my teeth together, recalling the meeting with my so-called fiance and parents. How their eyes lit up with excitement, how Zach wasn't great at informing me of his plans about wedding someone and the way Rimsha was glowing to get rid of me.
From my own home.
"Don't worry."
I start to walk past Uncle Walid, giving him a little laugh and a wave as I step out of the office slowly and close the door behind me, embarrassed about my sudden emotional outburst which I have never done in front of anyone. If I stand in there any longer I'd probably end up showing him another side of myself. An (even more) emotional side.
Blergh.
"I always do." I swear I hear him whisper and I spin around to ask him to repeat his words and if I'm hearing things correctly. Why would he worry for me?
I stand outside his door after having closed it, wondering if I should re-enter. I sigh, stepping away in shame, my hands holding my tired face. I feel sick and exhausted, all I need is my bed right now. I just want to go home.
Wherever home is.
I really don't want to face Rimsha and Kamil today, meaning that I'm going to make myself work longer instead of going back to my house. The engagement is coming up and I honestly don't know what to do. I definitely don't want this event to be taking place.
An exasperated sigh escapes my lips as I run my hands down my face which is probably still red and my eyes are most likely puffed up. I grimace when I think back to moments ago with me crying- scratch that- sobbing in front of Uncle Walid.
Ugh.
Pushing it away, I breathe out, fixing my shirt and headscarf in the process. I turn around to head into the kitchen, walking down the corridor until I catch a tall figure standing in front of the locked door to his mini office.
I stop in my tracks, watching the frustration in his face: his brows crease and his jaw is tightened. He balances his workload in one hand and tries to stop his satchel from falling off his shoulder whilst the other hand searches for the right keys to open his door. He clicks his tongue, letting his heavy looking bag fall to the floor, his messy hair flopping across his forehead into his eyes as he lets out a sigh. He runs a hand through it to push it out of his sight once he's dropped the workload onto the floor besides his bag and rests his back against his door, his eyes looking up at the ceiling.
He's tired...of what exactly? Something's bothering him because he dually doesn't act like this when he's sleep deprived. The frown on his face tells me that he's no happy about something.
I decide to slowly walk towards him after my mind fixes up an appropriate conversation starter. I have my arms crossed as I approach him and I smile, tilting my head to look at him yet he hasn't realised me standing there. The only thing I can see clearly now is his growing beard and nostrils which I don't really need to be looking up at.
"I swear I see bogeys in that cave of yours," I say, trying to make a light joke. Hudayfah immediately looks down at me, shock spread across his face before he smiles. "You need a good clean!"
Hudayfah laughs, causing his dimple to show. "Al," He rolls his grey eyes playfully with a shake of his head. "I'm sure yours is worse."
I snort. "It probably is," I reply, grinning when he laughs again, his smile reaching the corners of his eyes. "Salaam, Hud. You look awful."
He laughs again, his hand on his chest. "Straight up as usual, hey?" He says, his smile still on his face when I shrug in response. "I'm tired," He replies, sticking out his bottom lip.
"What's up?" I ask, wanting to poke him but I don't bother doing so. I stand on my tip toes, pushing back and forth as I wonder if I should mention the topic again. "...Your...secret admirer - who you still haven't old me about- messing with your little heart?"
He drops his arms and his pout leaves his lips. He clears his throat as his cheeks blush slightly. "I don't have one." His eyes look away from mine, guilt washing over his face before he straightening up. "What about yours, hm? When's the engagement which I haven't been told about?"
Ugh.
"Shut up, Hud." I roll my eyes as he bends down to grab his belongings after having found the right keys to unlock his door. "Don't turn this convo onto me now!"
He shrugs, although his back is now facing me as he makes his way into his messy office and I follow him in, standing at the door frame. "It's all about you."
"Huh?" I'm confused but instead of asking what he means I brush it off in order to avoid dwelling further into the proposal and to make sure that I don't end up letting out my frustration on Hudayfah.
He dumps his work onto his desk and drops his bag onto the floor before turning around to face me, leaning against his desk with his arms folded. We face one another, both not bothering to speak. He then raises a dark eyebrow at me and I sigh playfully in response.
"You okay?" He asks me and I straighten up, confused again.
"Yeah, you?" I laugh to which he just stares at me, examining my face, making me feel uncomfortable. "Has no-one ever told you to lower your gaze?"
He doesn't reply and his gaze doesn't break away from my burning face. If I had the energy, I would start teasing the guy but the emotional outburst I just had took most of it. So instead, I decide to examine his face also, as weird as that sounds.
Hudayfah's eyes are slightly bloodshot and his eyelids are finding it hard to stay open. His brows are unconsciously furrowed, almost as if something is on his mind and his usually plump lips look like they're peeling away. The colour on his face has started to drain and I can't help but wonder why.
Something is wrong.
"Hey!" I suddenly spark up with excitement and anticipation. He remains in his position and I ignore his solemn look on his face. "We should go on a road trip!"
Hudayfah raises both eyebrows, letting his arms fall behind him onto the desk and uses them to support himself on the desk. He doesn't answer me yet his smirk plays on his face, wondering where I'm going with this. He snorts, clearly liking my sudden change of behaviour and tilts his head to the side as he waits for me to carry on, which I do.
"I mean, we deserve a break from our...our COLLEGE AND UNI!" I desperately plead, yet try my best not to seem like I'm in dire need of this. Which I actually am. "Our workload," I point to his pile of booklets and papers on his desk. "Are so big and seriously I know we deserve a get...away?"
Hudayfah clears his throat and stands from his desk, walking towards me with a confused look spread across his face in contrast to the amused expressions he wore just seconds ago. His bites his lips before letting out a sigh. "But why now? I mean...why not after exams?"
"Uh...Well, um..." I struggle to think up a reason why i need this time away as I search the carpets as if an answer lies within the fibres. "Well...Uh..."
"Wouldn't it be haraam for me and you to be alone together?" He then raises an eyebrow whilst his amused smirk grows and my cheeks burn even more. He definitely has to make me feel awkward by putting me on the spot. "Your fiance wouldn't like that, now would he?"
I swallow, trying to think up a good reason as to why a road trip would be good right now yet my brain starts to sweat beneath my scalp. I can't let him know about what happens at my house, I mean, no-one should know, I'll deal with that, right? I also can't let him think that this proposal has been forced onto me and that I really just need to get away from everyone and all this pressure.
I look up and gasp once I realise that Hudayfah now stands right in front of me and I quickly back away, clicking my tongue at him in annoyance. He laughs in response to my actions and my burning face. He shakes his head at me playfully, going back to his desk with a slightly lopsided smile. His eyes then look up to lock onto mine and I don't know whether he's waiting for an answer or not.
"Idiot," I mutter with a roll of my eyes, fixing my headscarf. "Look, Hud-"
"I'm no idiot," He replies, blowing upwards so his hair moves out of his eyes. They land back on mine and soften yet for some reason they look guilty. Why do I get the sense that he's done something wrong?! "You're not okay."
Please, not this again!
I immediately scoff. "Ooh, psychic now, are we?" Sarcasm drips out of my mouth but Hudayfah doesn't react in the way he normally does: returning the sarcasm or bursting out laughing. "I'm fine, Hud."
He scratches his growing beard before standing from his desk and grabbing his bag off the floor. I watch him as he fumbles around with his stuff for a while, growing tired with our sudden silence.
I guess we're both exhausted today.
I'm about to turn out of the room when he stops me from doing so. I give him a questioning look as to why he called out my name, placing a hand onto the doorframe as I wait impatiently.
Hudayfah picks out a ball of paper from the jackets he's wearing, his eyes flicking from it to my face, back and forth. He opens his mouth a few times voice something yet I'm guessing he can't word what's on his mind. His face grows slightly crimson and his fingers tighten around the paper ball. He huffs before stuffing it into his pocket and finally looks up at me properly, his Adams Apple moving in his throat when he swallows.
"You're going to be okay...you will. They can't hurt you, I promise, Al."
•••
Hope you had a good Ramadan and Eid! Did you get any goodies? hehe I'm filthy rich...not.
It's funny how we all have different ways of pronouncing names LOOOL e.g I say 'kaamil' but some say 'kameel' 😂
what do you think is going to happen next? EEK!
THANK YOY FOR YOUR COMMENTS, VOTES, READS AND SUPPORT! 😘
-Lazyhijabi x