"Suddenly, in my eyes
rain wells up
You well up,
I see you even when I breathe
Love blooms
like cherry blossoms
but burns and becomes ashes"
————————
"We'll wait for you in the truck," Jin said, tapping my shoulder. I looked over him and nodded my head once before he and Namjoon left.
It was the day of Taehyung's funeral, and everybody were starting to leave already, but I decided to stay for a few more minutes. Dr. Jeon and Mrs. Jeon gave a few words to Taehyung earlier. They might not be his real parents, but through their words and actions, a person could feel their despair and agony in losing their other child. Mrs. Jeon couldn't stop crying at all, and it was too dangerous for her since she's pregnant and all this stress could really endanger the baby inside her.
I even saw a few familiar faces from the nightclub today, at Taehyung's funeral. I might not know them but in a short period of time of spending time with Taehyung in that place, I remembered a few faces.
. . . But one face was missing and that was Hoseok. Even Solji came, and for unknown reasons, she kept her distance from me and even to Jin and Namjoon who I knew were her friends as well. She was all by herself.
Throughout the day, those two stayed with me like real brothers I never had. They would ask me if I was fine from time to time, and even cared for me to eat something. I appreciated their efforts but as of the moment, I couldn't show how grateful I should be from their small actions. I couldn't feel anything but sadness and madness.
I sighed, staring at Taehyung's smiling picture on top of his grave. And you still have the audacity to smile after emotionally killing me?! Why you! I really hate you, Kim Taehyung!! I thought, rolling my eyes at his picture. Why are you even doing this to me?! I really miss you so much. . . I thought. It suddenly made feel like I'm going insane and if anyone could hear my thoughts right now, they'd think I'm a lunatic. I wanted to cry, but my eyes finally got to the point of crying too much that it could no longer have the capability to cry farther.
Next to Taehyung's grave was Jungkook's, who has a faded picture of him smiling too, and at the middle of their graves was a picture of them together smiling happily and innocently. Are you two happy now? You're together.
Later, in a blink of an eye, the gloomy sky have finally released its rain. The rain started pouring down, but I didn't even bother moving at all to where I was sitting. I stayed put on the grass where I was sitting across their graves. In a split second, my hair, face and my black dress were already soaking wet from the rain. I could feel every raindrop against my skin and hair, but suddenly it stopped. I looked around and yet it was still pouring down. Puzzled, I looked up ahead to see Solji holding an umbrella. I was a bit surprised, but I didn't let her noticed it. It was my first time to see her dressed differently than her usual look. She looked elegant and reserved in a black dress.
My eyes followed her presence until she sat next to me, still holding the umbrella above us. "You'll get sick," She began, but I pretended I didn't hear anything. There were silence between us before she cleared her throat and spoke, "Uhm, I've been really wanting to talk you, but I don't know how to reach you." She then looked down after. "I want to say sorry about what happened at Madi's party, Areum. I didn't mean to—" She said, breaking the ice between us.
Still looking at her, I immediately cut her off. "It's okay," It still hurts, but it's okay now. I said, almost whispering then shifted my gaze on the graves in front of us. I don't what to hear anything that happened in that party. "It's not your fault,"
"But, I feel bad." She said, taking a deep breath. "I let Taehyung kissed me which I shouldn't have. . . And now, everything's just messed up. I mean, Taehyung's dead. Hoseok's not talking to me anymore. . . And. . . I've hurt you, Areum. . . I'm just, I'm really sorry, Areum." I looked at her again, hearing her shaking voice and saw the tears in her eyes.
For a quick second, I felt empathy towards her. Why am I so easy to feel bad towards other people? I used to be so mad at her just for the fact of being her own self and getting Taehyung's attention by doing nothing. I was so blinded at the thought of loving Taehyung that my hatred all went towards her, thinking she would probably steal him from me, but the truth is Taehyung's the one chasing her to love him back. Thinking of it, I started to feel bad. Solji is also having a difficult time too. He lost a friend and now, he lost Hoseok too. "Do you think. . ." I paused, hesitating in asking it. "Do you think the outcome will be different if you loved Taehyung back before?" I continued, asking a question out of the blue.
"Why do you. . ." She suddenly shrugged that sentence away and said something else, "Areum, you do know you can't force yourself to be in love with someone who you don't love, right? It's just, I don't see Taehyung that way. He's just a friend to me."
"But Taehyung forced himself to love me for Jungkook's sake," I told her quickly, almost raising my shaking voice. "And maybe, if you did love him back, none of this is probably happening right now. He and Jungkook might probably be alive. . . They might not be the same as before, but Taehyung would probably be happy with you and you might somehow finally learn to love him, right? And maybe, we haven't met at all."
"Areum," I could hear the worrisome when she said my name.
"Is it bad to wish for a different outcome?" I asked her, feeling the pain in my eyes as it could no longer release its tears.
"Taehyung is in love with you," She blurted out. "Why are you even saying those kind of things?"
"But why?" I asked, low-key catching my breath as though I run a marathon. That is exactly how I feel dealing with this emotional frustration right now. It's so tiring. I'm tired. Tired of feeling anything. "Why can't he just love me alone then? Why can't he be contented with me? Why am I not enough for him?" I asked her, not pausing for a word. "Why does he still needs you?!" I raised my voice a little higher at how pissed I am right now.
"Jung."
"What?"
"My grandma used to tell me that word. It's the connection between two people that can't be separated, even when love turns to hate. You still have those old feelings for them. You can never completely shake them loose of you. Whatever you do, you will always have tenderness in your heart for them."
And jung is why Taehyung can't let her go. They're tied. Taehyung needed someone who would never turned him away when everyone does. Someone who was always there for him. Someone who loved and understood him more than anyone. And Solji is that person for Taehyung. How can I possibly begrudge her like that? And now, I finally got the chance to understand her. Solji was the one who stayed with him when Yoongi and his friend left him after Jungkook died. I'm sure it was hard for Taehyung to live with guilt, but thanks to Solji, he still had reasons to live his life. . . until now.
"I'm really sorry, Areum. I'm not expecting for you to forgive me, but—"
I interrupted her, "I get it now, Solji. You don't have to apologize anymore," I told her. "You have no idea how I wished I was you so many times, just to feel what it feels like to be someone as precious as you to Taehyung. So, thank you. Thank you for staying with Taehyung and being a good friend to him, Solji." I said, looking down at my dress and wrung the bottom part of my dress before standing up. She was about to say something, but I immediately interrupted her. "I really should go now. Jin and Namjoon are already waiting for me." I added, still the rain kept pouring down.
Solji stood up after me and said, "I guess I'll still see you around?"
I nodded my head as a yes. "See you around." I responded before walking away under the rain.
Reaching the truck, I saw Jin's eyes lit up when he saw me. They've been waiting for long and I finally came. He face-palmed and scolded me for a few seconds when he saw me soaking wet. I apologized repeatedly and Namjoon tried to calm the guy on the driver's seat as Jin was already pissed, but there wasn't much he could do since it was still raining outside, so he has no choice but to let me in.
Throughout the ride, Jin kept nagging at me like exactly how mom nagged at me. Maybe even worse. Namjoon turned to me, looking over at the backseat and gestured to just ignore Jin and when the latter saw Namjoon, he received a several slaps on his arm. We both finally stayed silent throughout the ride until Jin finally got tired himself.
When we finally reached the house, I climbed off the vehicle and stopped my mark at the driver's side. I apologized to Jin again and he still pretended to be mad, but then he flashed me his cute little smile, "You should be taking good care of yourself more, okay?" He said then reached for his hand out of the car window and tousled my damp hair. "Everything will be okay soon."
I smiled at them both, "Thank you, guys."
"See you around, Areum." Namjoon piped up and waved his hand at me.
My hand did the same, "See you around, guys. Take care."
I watched the vehicle moved forward and disappeared before my eyes before I got inside the gates. I walked into the driveway and into the veranda, and entered the front door. Welcoming me was Taeng who was adorably jumping and standing up, reaching for my dress. I carried him into my arms and stroke his furry head softly when suddenly a small gold thing fell from Taeng. It made a small sound against the floor which made me look at it. I bent down my knees, picking it up. Furrowing my brows, I wondered what it was. I looked at Taeng's dog tag this time to see it was actually a flashdrive. Immediately, I went to sit on the couch and took the dog tag off his leash. There's probably something inside here. Taehyung might have left something other than the voicemail he sent to me. What secrets do I have to know from you, Taehyung?
The moment I reached my bedroom, I immediately looked for my laptop. I flipped my laptop open and turned it on, waiting patiently for the system to start running. Once the screen lit up, I waited for a few seconds to breath in before inserting the flashdrive into the laptop.
A small box popped up, revealing the flashdrive's name—JK. I clicked it and found three folders inside the flashdrive. One folder with my name written on it as its folder name, the other with a folder name of JK + V and the last folder with no name at all. I firstly opened the folder with my name in ease and saw tons of candid pictures of me. Photos taken in the amusement park, in the park while cycling, inside the car and even in the nightclub. I smiled, looking at the pictures individually to see how Taehyung still somehow had his eyes on me most of the time even though I knew, he was thinking of someone else.
I opened the JK + V folder after. Somehow all the pain in my heart eases as I saw all the old pictures of Taehyung and Jungkook together. Pictures of them when they were kids until they grew up. All those awkward pictures they have as kids looked adorable and I couldn't help but smile, staring at it one by one. There were a few videos of them singing together or even goofing around which didn't fail to make me smile too as I watched it.
Then moving to the last folder, I clicked it open and only saw one video file in it. An almost three-minute video with Taehyung's youthful face on the thumbnail. I clicked the video opened and I could feel my heart palpitate loud and at a fast rate as if it was placed just under my shirt. The smile on my face vanished as I locked my eyes on the video.
The video started with Taehyung adjusting the camera. His huge palm covered himself and the background he was in as he continued to adjust it. After he was done doing it, he moved back to his bed a little. He smiled a little, staring at the cam. Taehyung wore a plain white shirt and red shorts with his messy damp hair that falls just above his eyes. He looked much different and younger in this video that it was obviously not taken recently. "Hey," He started, trying to sound bright but that melancholic emotions in his eyes were visible. "It really sucks without you, JK. It made me realize how much of a loser I am," He commented, laughing nervously. This video is meant for Jungkook, not me. But then, why did he give this to me? Taehyung then kept his eyes on the camera, almost making me feel he was still alive and we were just videocalling each other. "Believe it or not, I'm trying my best to live your life. Here, look. . ." He got off his bed and disappeared. Seconds later, he came back, bouncing on the bed and it startled me. He was holding art materials and scattered them on his bed as he showed it off to the cam, "I bought art materials. Small and big brushes and also paints and this rectangular white board thingy—I dunno what it's called so yeah, I bought all of these." He said then looked up to the camera and sighed. "I have no idea how you do it, but just by buying these, it was already hard. I didn't know there are different types of paints, and I barely know anything about how to make art at all. The clerk had to help me out to pick the appropriate paint to be used and I just totally made a fool out of myself back there. . ." He scrunched his nose then shook his head disappointedly at himself. "But for you, you just made it so easy." He paused, looking at the art materials he bought and mumbled words under his breath. "I'll never be you. I'll never be like you. . . I can never live my life just like yours, JK." I had to rewind the mumbling part for four times before I actually understood what he said. Taehyung, you don't have to. I thought, then slowly he lifted his head up and looked at the cam again, "But hey, I still did something awesome though." He said, wiggling his brows. "I found your first love," Taehyung announced happily and I was taken aback. Is he. . . Is he going to talk about me now? "I actually met her at Jin's friend's party. Sung. . . Sang. . ." He said, furrowing his brows as he thought of Sungjae's name. "Whatever. I can't remember his name, and you probably don't know Jin, but he's kind of one of my new friends now. Along with Namjoon and Hoseok. They're really nice people, but that's not important, I'm here to tell you about her." He smiled. "To tell you the truth, I kissed her at the party. Now, don't get mad, JK. I kissed her for your sake." He said, winking adorably then shortly laughed at himself. "I'm really sorry for doing that, but for your sake, I'll love her. Right now, my only goal is to live your life, and think and do things you want to do or achieve if you're still alive. . . And I know for sure, you'll look for your first love and do anything to win her, so I'm just helping you," Taehyung said; his smile almost fading. "I tried finding her through the internet and found a few infos about her. I found out what school she goes to, and I transferred there and now we're on the same class. . . Honestly, I actually think you two make a good match. She's smart and awkward sometimes, just like you and also adorable. I know she remembered me when she saw me, but I tried my best not to notice her. I did not really know what to do that time. There were just times I would stare at her back during classes, and it made me want to spill everything about what happened to you, but I was afraid. . . I'm afraid she probably forgot about you. . . I mean, come on, it's been years, JK. You two never talked to each again after that summer camp. So, I'm sorry I didn't tell her, bro." Taehyung looked down and played with his thumbs as it was written all over his face the regrets in his heart. "But I promise you. I'll tell her if I'm ready, okay? And I promise not to fall for her because. . . I, I just won't. I mean, we both know whom I'm in love with, right?" He said, lifting his head up and flashed a sad smile. We all know who you are in love with, Taehyung. But could it be? Could it be that you swallowed everything you said in this video and chose to love me at the end? "I won't say her name anymore, I know you'll get mad." He softly chuckled. "But what if I fall for n love with Areum in the end? Will you hate me?" He bit his lip, smiling. "Let me rephrase that a bit 'cause I know you already hate me. . . So, will you hate me more?" He said, staring at the camera as though he was waiting for Jungkook to answer him back. He stared for seconds until he laughed at himself for feeling stupid, "Nevermind. I'll talk to you again next time. I really miss you, JK. . ." He paused, taking a deep breath. "Your forever brother-slash-bestfriend, V. Bye." He waved his hand at the camera before reaching forward it and turned it off and in a split second, the screen turned pitch black and I found myself in the reflection of my laptop screen. What do you want to tell me, Taehyung? What's all these? Why are you making things so difficult for me?
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finally, an update. i'm sorry if i keep forgetting to update, but i'm trying. don't worry, i'll update another next saturday. thank you, guys.
p.s. there's a video in the media. you can all pretend it's taehyung's video message lol bye