These scars are from the wounds I had
when I was soft as a rose petal
... deep and never be forgotten.
+++
Bullet twenty
"I swear, I swear, I will give you the most painful death when I get out of here!" I hopelessly pounded my fist on the back of my door. Katahimikan lamang ang nakuha kong sagot sa likuran ng pinto. I pounded hard again. "Hindi niyo na gugustuhing huminga pa kapag nakalabas ako rito!" Isang malakas na suntok ang binigay ko sa pinto. By then I knew kung gaano kasakit ang kamay ni Ella sa pagsuntok sa pinto ng Emergency Room. Inipit ko ang aking kanang kamay sa pagitan ng aking mga hita. "IT FvCKING HURTS! I WILL REALLY KILL ALL OF YOU!" nanggagalaiti kong sigaw, my voice cracked and faded on the last part---a testimony that I had been shouting my lungs out for the last couple of hours.
Nang mabasa ko ang mensahe ni Mommy ay walang alinlangan akong nagdesisyong lisanin agad ang compound. It was still about two in the morning and I badly needed some human moments but I forgot everything when I read her note. I forgot every darn thing, even the pains that had consumed me when I was at the hospital.
And now it was all coming back!
"I'LL BRUTALLY KILL ALL OF YOU!" muli kong banta habang hawak pa rin ang namimilipit kong kamay. Sinipa ko nang malakas ang pinto, that made me crouch. I was still in my boots so my stupid toes absorbed all the shock. Isinuklay ko sa aking magulong buhok ang kamay kong walang injury. "YOU ARE ALL FIRED!" sigaw kong muli.
Kanina ay nasa gate na ako ng compound gamit ang isang takas na sasakyan and just a few minutes away from her kaso nagka-isa yata sina Hades at Loki---well, these FDI guards all looked like Hades and Loki, kaya ang mga galamay nila ay nagkumpulan sa tarangkahang aking daraanan. Someone had shot magnets on my car that forced my car locks to open and when those useless locks did I was carried like a sack of potato and jailed in my unit. Kautusan daw ni Zeus na huwag akong palabasin ng compound hanggat hindi niya binabawi. See? Hades and Loki conspired to give me hell, and Zeus was their God. I'll kill Zeus first, then... then I'll burn Hades and Loki. Masasakatuparan ko ang planong ito kapag nakalabas ako sa aking unit---which was hopeless at this point. My door was locked outside!
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang binabalak at iniisip ni Zeus. Whatever it was makakatikim siya sa akin. I extremely wanted to meet my Mom, determinado akong suungin lahat makita lang siya.
I run to my window at sinukat ang layo nito mula lupa. When my eyes landed on the ground I saw dozen of men looking up on me.
Bloody hell?
Mukhang hindi ang pagdaan sa bintana ang paraan para makatakas dito. Pati masyadong mataas ang kinalalagyan ng unit ko kaya hindi talaga maaari. Ayaw kong malumpo. Kung may malulumpo ay si Zeus iyon. Wala siyang karapatang ikulong ako sa sarili kong bahay! Will he blow off my face the dangerous means I did to save the effin slvt---no sorry for my word, I loved hating her even more now. Balak niya bang interogahin ako agad tungkol sa mga impormasyong nakuha ko sa silid kung saan ko nakita si Margareth? Oh give me break! At nasaan na ba siya? I was willing to punch his face now.
Did Zeus turn his back at me, too? Like... like what Ella did? A lump started to form in my throat and I withheld myself to sink to that feeling again. What happened to Cole was my fault, so if she gets angry with me it is a normal reaction of her being his sister. Parang kapag sumabog ang araw mawawalan na rin ng liwanag ang buwan---normal lang. I should accept it professionally because it IS normal.
But damn this lump in my throat, it was making my pathetic tired eyes to leak its precious waters! Hindi ako apektado... hindi ako apektado... bulong ko sa sarili ko.
Dahil sa wala na akong ibang magagawa kundi ang manatili sa unit ko, pagkatapos kong ayusin ang sarili ko ay nagpaubaya na muna ako sa aking antok. I lay down on my oh so comfy couch not on my oh so much comfy bed. I expected to have nightmares dahil sa mga nangyari sa kuta nila Devin. The photos I had seen in one of their rooms will be flashed on my mind even in deep sleep. The red strikes of lights will dance like evil fireflies in my mind even in the deepest darkness.
Devin... and the rest... they were monsters---real badboys. I used to think that these godlike looking gangsters, badboys, thuds that I read and see in films were cool. Ngayon hindi ko na alam kung bakit nahuhumaling ang mga babae sa mga gangsters. Ugh! bakit nga ba ako nasama sa cryptic na kwento nila? Dahil sa kamukha ko ba ang minamahal niyang si Lorraine? Tss. He was pathetic, a badboy who was in-love with a ghost!
He was still in-love? Tss! Grandly pathetic!
He was deeply in-love with Lorraine? Tss! Fantastically pathetic!
Lorraine was his Juliet, why was he still alive? Tss!
A soft tap on my shoulders woke me up. Kung ordinaryong tulog ang pinanggalingan ko ay nagkaroon na ng ika-tatlong pandaigdigang gera dahil sa ginising ako ng nilalang na ito. My sleep was not an ordinary sleep, pasalamat siya. For the first time in my life nanaginip ako ng blangko, iyong alam kong nananaginip ako pero wala akong nakikita kundi kadiliman. And hell, I knew my thoughts had been lingering on Devin's stupid tragic love affair.
"Hindi ngayon ang oras ng paghimbing, Venice."
Zeus' voice sapped all my drowsiness and the moment I opened my eyes I lunged to kill him.
"YOU son of a gay dog!"
Biglaan at hindi inaasahan ang ginawa kong atake kaya napa-upo si Zeus sa sahig dahil sa tulak ko. I stared at him in raged, and in confusion---nagawa ko siyang maitulak? Uh! Seriously? He slightly shook his head while holding his right temple. Napansin kong may suot pa rin siyang mga armas.
"Manners, please," isinatinig ng isa pang nilalang malapit sa tinatayuan ko. Tinapunan ko nang masamang tingin si Canary. She was sitting like a real princess in one of my chairs. She was still in her blood stained shirt. Mukhang hindi naging problema ang tama ng bala sa kanya dahil kung makaupo siya ay parang--whatever. Ibinalik ko kay Zeus ang aking mga mata.
"You humiliated me! I own this place, Zeus! Sino ka para ikulong ako?!"
"Your friend is okay by now. Stable na ang kanyang mga vital signs. Muntik na tayong mahuli sa pagligtas sa kaibigan mo, eh eh." Sa halip na pansinin ng matatalas kong salita ay ang balita kay Cole ang unang lumabas sa kanyang bibig. I mentally breathed a sigh of relief. I was thankful that he was safe.
"I don't care about him!" I spat.
"You cared, sissy... you almost lose your sanity when you thought he's dead," may halong tawa habang winiwika ni Canary. Umupo si Zeus sa pinakamalapit sa kanyang upuan. Woah, he looked tired.
"Of course, this cute girl cares, eh eh!" Natutuwang wika ni Zeus.
Something was off. Bakit mukhang masaya ang kanilang awra ngayon? Was the war over?
"It was not the most brilliant stunt because it was not planned but she really saved her." Umangat ang isang kilay ni Canary habang kinakausap si Zeus na parang wala ako sa loob ng unit ko kung nasaan sila. "And she kissed the boy!" dugtong niya.
"She got a big heart, eh eh."
"WHAT THE FVCKN FVCK IS GOING ON?!" sigaw ko sa pagitan nila imbes ang simpleng 'can anyone explain to me why are you in a happy state and I'm in doom?'. Okay, mas mukhang kumplikado iyon. Pansin ko mas lumalala ang pagmumura ko habang tumatagal. Pero pinagmumukha na nila akong mangmang! I was beyond fear-loneliness-insanity tapos ganito ang ipapakita nila sa akin?! Like nothing was happening?! Like no assassins were planning to ruin FDI?!
Ilang segundo ang lumipas bago may sumagot.
Si Zeus ang nagsalita. "Sit."
That made it.
"THAT'S IT? "SIT"?!" This was exhausting!
"Your temper is really... unhealthy," ani Canary.
"SHUT UP!" muli ko siyang tinapunan ng nakakamatay na tingin. She just laughed. Lalapit na ako para sitahin siya ngunit tumigil ako sa paghakbang dahil nagsalita na si Zeus.
"Listen, Venice..." mahinahong paguumpisa niya. I was still on my feet. I didn't need a seat when I use my ears. "Whatever you are... assigned to do... do it. You told me before that you felt like a blind kid looking for death, why don't you be a blind kid looking for life?"
"Are we in a puzzle game, Zeus? The crap you said is not for awesome-brained people like me. I can't stoop down your level to understand stupid words."
"Eh eh, fine, you are awesome, happy now? But why don't you know that you don't need to understand...? You just have to listen. I guessed you are not as brilliant as you think you are, eh eh," he said. His voice sounded calmer. Can I just eat their brains then? Heto na naman kami. By this time mas dumami ang mga tanong na hindi ko masagot. Paikut-ikot na lang ako sa pagsagot sa mga tanong. "Uulitin ko, whatever you are "assigned" to do, do it."
I stared at him waiting for more, sabi niya all I have to do was to listen. Kaso iyon na ang huli niyang sinabi. Tumayo sila mula sa pagkaka-upo at tahimik na nilisan akong puno ng katanungan.
I looked at the window across my place and saw the sun preparing its way for a new day.
Nang lumabas ako sa aking unit ay wala nang mga humarang pa sa akin, lahat ng aking dinaanang pasilyo papunta sa basement parking ay malinis sa mga alagad ni Hades at Loki. Too bad, pagkakataon ko na sanang gumanti sa kanila. I'll save that as my petty assignment. Maging sa tarangkahan ay walang pumigil sa akin.
Habang nasa harap ako ng manibela at umaarangkada patungo sa nasabing lugar sa liham ng aking ina ay nalilipad ang isip ko sa naging asta ni Zeus at Canary. They acted weird. A part of me was open for the possibility that it was a skit. I just could not give my full trust to anyone. That's fool trust.
Nang nasa tapat na ako ng Gringor East ay pinasukan na ako ng pagaatubili sa katauhan ni L. My mind had been preoccupied with the thoughts of meeting my mom, who had tossed me into the eye of the battle ground, that I had not taken into account that Gringor East was the last place she would go. It was an old building, the ones you can see on deserted places. Parang walang tenants and the worst part, parang restricted place. My Mom wouldn't dare to set up a meeting on a creepy place like this.
Ipinasok ko ang minamaneho kong kotse sa loob na park area ng gusali.
Zeus told me to do what I have to do... Could I trust what he said? What if my Mom really was in this place? What if my Mom was really in this place... nang labag sa kanyang loob? Negative thoughts wanted to invade my brain---posibilities of this to be a setup and an open invitation with death. Ang unti-unting pagtaas ng aking balahibo ang pisikal na patunay sa nararamdaman kong panganib ngayon.
Wala man lang akong dalang armas. Paano kung patibong lang ito?
No. My mom is okay, hindi lang ako sanay sa ganitong mga lugal, diin ko sa utak ko. Nasunod ko naman lahat ng mensahe niya sa akin at panig naman sa kabutihan kahat ng ipinapagawa niya---but that didn’t mean positibo ang epekto sa akin ng lahat ng iyon. The notes were really from her, wala na akong duda roon.
Nakapasok na ako sa parking lot, hinayaan kong nakasindi ang headlights dahil hindi gaano maliwanag sa loob. The area was dusty, naglalaro ang alikabok sa sinag ng ilaw mula sa aking sasakyan na pawang ngayon lang uli nabulabog ang mga ito. My car was the sole car inside. I breathed in before I slid off and froze when I saw a shadow moved few feets away from where I stood. Pagkasarado ko palang ng pinto ay parang gusto ko nang mawala sa kinaroroonan ko. Bumibilis nang bumibilis ang tibok ng natatakot kong puso at naguumpisa na manginig ang mga tuhod ko habang nakikita ang anino ng isang tao na papalapit nang papalapit sa kinatatayuan ko.
Anino pa lang niya ay alam ko na kung sino siya. At sigurado akong hindi siya ang aking ina.
Sa tulong ng ilaw ay luminaw ang mukha ng taong hindi ko inaasahang makita, tumigil siya sa paglalakad---ligtas pa ang distansiya ko sa kanya, iyon ay kung wala siyang dalang baril---which is not really possible. She always had guns with her. Noon nga ay nagtataka pa ako kung paano niya naitatago sa ilalim ng kanyang kasuutan ang mga mapanganib na armas.
"H-hi!" said she, looking at my eyes. Ang kulay dilaw na ilaw ng sasakyan ay kumikinang sa kanyang mga mata.
Hi?
What the hell? Hi?
That was the needle prick that my sensitive balloon of temper had been waiting for before it bursted. My fear transformed into another state. Naalala ko kung paano niya ako ibenta kay Zeus. Naalala ko kung paano niya ako tinalikuran at sumama kina Devin. Naalala ko ang mga natamo kong suntok sa kanya noong kasal ni Isagani. Naalala ko kung ilang ulit na niya akong muntik mapatay sa simbahang bato. Naalala ko kung paano niya hinayaan ang kanyang kasamahan na paulanan ako ng bala kagabi. Nakalimutan kong mahina ako at walang laban sa isang kagaya niya... I was running towards my traitor, my fists firm and aiming a solid blow on her face.
It landed perfectly on her right cheek; I even heard a crack... cracks. My knuckles hurt like hell! Ilang beses ko na nilapastangan ang kamao ko sa araw na ito. But the pain I felt now was nothing compared to the pain I felt when she showed her real colors to me.
"What the shits, Venice!" wika niya habang hawak ang kanyang pisngi. Napaatras siya nang kaunti. Good.
Assassin ang kaharap ko but I didn't care. By this time I didn't care about me being killed. All I wanted to do was to smash her!
"Where's my Mom?!"
I moved forward for another blow ngunit bago ko pa maabante ang kamay ko ay nahawakan na niya ako. She was too fast! Kanina ay nasa harapan ko lang siya, ngayo'y nasa likuran ko na siya at nakagapos na sa aking leeg ang kanyang kamay. I realized I wasn't breathing, napahugot ako ng hangin nang maramdaman ko na ang kanyang balat sa aking leeg. I'm dead. I'm so dead.
"Listen."
That word. Again? Ugh!
I saw her doing this stunt before---kay Dorothy. I relaxed from her restrain then I twisted. I tackled her on the ground with all my force. Sabay kaming natumba sa maalikabok na sahig.
"OUCH!" she cried in pain as I try to choke her with my hands. "Tanggalin mo yang tuhod mo sa sugat ko o pipilayin kita!?" Ipit niyang wika, binubutas ng kanyang tingin ang galit ko. Napasulyap ako sa dinadapuan ng isa kong tuhod---ang saktong lugar kung saan siya sinaksak ni Cole.
"Where. Is. My. Mom?"
Idiniin ko pa nang kaunti ang tuhod ko sa kanyang sugat. Napahiyaw siya sa sakit.
"SHIT!!! SOBRA KA NA, VENICE?!" sigaw niya. Then, nang hindi ko namamalayan ay binuhat na niya ako at nabaliktad ang aming mga posisyon. Lahat yata sila mahilig gawin ang stunt na iyon. Devin did that to me, too.
"What?! Sobra na ako? How do you label what you did to me?! Kulang?" Nagpumiglas ako ngunit matibay ang pagkakadiin niya sa akin sa sahig.
"Shut up and trust. Me." she was looking intently at my eyes as she sincerely told me those words. What the crap was happening?! No, I shouldn't let my guards down. She needed something kaya ganito siya. She was an enemy! She tried to kill me! Trust her?
I gritted my teeth. "You taught me not to trust you, b!tch," I said---my betrayed heart's words.
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Please don't stab me if there were errors.