Lea's POV
I exhaled and started massaging my temple. I'm in my office right now and for Pete's sake I can't focus on what I'm doing! I've been reading these papers for an hour now but I can't understand anything.
"Ugh!"ako
I groaned as I leaned on my chair with an arched brows. Ellaine knocked on the door so I let her in. She smiled at me and gave me a folder as she reached my table.
"That's the contract for the project with Mister Flores then later, at 1 PM, you have a meeting with an endorser."Ellaine
I nodded and opened the folder.
"Thank you, Ellaine. Is that it?"ako
She nodded and I thought she'd already leave my office but she sat down on the visitor's chair in front of me.
"Ma'am, ano’ng ginawa niyo ni Sir Chris?"Ellaine
I sighed and rolled my eyes. If I know, she will say this to everyone or worse to Aga.
"Malamang, kumain. Dinner nga eh."ako
I responded as I started reading my paperwork again. She just nodded then leaned towards me.
"Wala na?"Ellaine
I sharply exhaled and stopped on what I'm doing. I looked at her.
"Ellaine, it's just a dinner, a friendly dinner. Of course, we ate, drank wine, talk. What are you expecting?"ako
She just nodded, although I know that she has still got more to ask, so I continued on what I'm doing.
"Wala naman! Eh, Ma'am, kailan kayo babawi sa amin? Especially kay Sir? You swore!"Ellaine
I just sighed when I remembered Aga.
"Babawi kayo sabi niyo. So, kailan?"Ellaine
I looked at her who's grinning at me and waiting for my answer.
"Of course, but not yet this time. We're busy, right?"ako
I just said although I badly want to make it up to them, and to him, immediately. She pouted her lower lip and nodded.
"Getching. Ahm..."Ellaine
I raised my brows as I looked at her since I know that she wants to ask, or know something rather. Malay ko ba sa mga napag-usapan nila kahapon. I know it has something to do with it.
"Mag-kwento naman kayo, Ma'am. Saglit lang. 5 minutes. Then I'll stop bugging you."Ellaine
I creased my forehead and get another folder again.
"Ano namang iku-kwento ko sa‘yo? Kung gaano karami ang kailangan nating tapusin na trabaho ngayon at sa mga susunod na araw?"ako
She took time to respond so I looked at her. I can see in her eyes that she's hesitating to speak so I raised my brows even more.
"Sa anak niyo ni Sir Aga."Ellaine
My heart pounded when I heard that from her.
"Is that what you've talked about yesterday?"ako
"No! Nalaman ko lang kina Jane... noong pauwi na tayo from Barcelona."Ellaine
I just stared at her observing if she's telling the truth and yes she does. I sighed.
"So, wala talaga kayong balak sabihin sa amin... like— share things about it since we thought we're very open here?"Ellaine
"Ellaine, why would I? That's... it's very—complicated."ako
I closed the folder that I've read and stood up since I started to feel uncomfortable.
"Complicated? How complicated that after all these years you can't still open to us or to anyone about that thing. I've been working here for so long. Sina Jane nga alam, because Sir Aga told them. He trusted them, then you—"Ellaine
I immediately looked back to her when I heard a sob. My eyes widened when I saw her eyes.
"Bruha? Bakit ka umiiyak?!"ako
Lumapit ako sa kanya at pinunasan ang luha niya. She looked at me and cried harder.
"Ang unfair lang kasi. *sobs* May anak pala kayo, ‘di niyo man lang sinasabi. Nakakainis kayo."Ellaine
I opened my mouth in disbelief since I do not know what to say and sat on the chair in front of her.
"Ikaw talaga! Sira ka ba? Of course—Ellaine naman. You should have understood me, and you know me. I'm not... I'm not yet ready to talk about that thing, okay? It's hard."ako
I heaved a deep breath and waited for her to respond.
"After 15 years hindi ka pa rin ready? I know why, because you're keeping it to yourself."Ellaine
I sighed and shook my head.
"You know what, Ellaine, hindi mo ako maiintindihan."ako
"Why? Why won't I?"Ellaine
I groaned since I know her that much, she won't stop. She's very makulit and she's makulit because she cares.
"Ellaine, no. Please, no."ako
I almost frown when I saw that I can't make her give up. She held my hand and looked at me pleadingly.
"Please? Share it. Speak it. Tell it. It will ease the burden, Ate. You don't have to carry it by yourself. Like what you told me, I know you. And I know that you can release it, please. You're strong. Stop refraining yourself anymore. Don't wait for the time that you can't already control the emotion, although emotions are really hard to handle."Ellaine
I sharply exhaled and closed my eyes for a second. I'm now having a discussion with my subconscious if I'd tell her or not especially when she has a point. I've been keeping this thing in me because it hurts so much, but what I don't know is the pain doesn't decrease when I keep it. Instead, it gets worse; every day.
I sighed and looked at her in the eyes and she knows that it's also the time that I'd tell her everything.
When I lost Sophia, I do not want to talk about it with anyone. I don't want others to mention anything about my daughter because it didn't fail to hurt me and make me cry. Funny it may seem, but I don't know how I got through it kasi ang alam ko halos mabaliw na ako noon. That's why I can't believe that I'm telling this to someone after to many years. All the burden in me, I told Ellaine. I won't ask myself why because I trust her.
"I don't know... but based on your story and based on how I understood it, you broke up with Sir Aga and had an annulment because technically you're blaming him sa pagkawala ni Sophia?"Ellaine
I just stared at her although she's waiting for my answer.
"I told you everything, Ellaine. I was being consumed by all the negative emotions that I had that time that the only thing in my head is he lost our daughter."ako
I avoided her gaze and wiped the side of my eyes although the tears haven't came out yet.
"Exactly! Your daughter. You and his. So, instead of helping each other and be with each other, you broke up with him? Ate, I'm sorry but... ano’ng akala mo? Kayo lang ang nasasaktan? Ikaw lang ang nawalan ng anak? I'm sorry but that's absurd. I know how you felt and I understand what kind of pain you've been going through until now but what I can't understand is why? Why you have to blame someone even though it wasn't no one's fault?"Ellaine
I exhaled and closed my eyes.
"I told you. You wouldn't understand me, Ellaine."ako
"I know I might not, I might not! But... as a person, I do have my own perceptions too. Don't we need others perception to see if what we did or what we're doing is right? Because let's be honest, our emotions blind us to see our actions."Ellaine
"I know what I did, Ellaine! I've faced the consequences if there are, and I'm living the aftermath! So, kung sinasabi mo na mali ang pananaw ko at mali ang desisyon ko na makipaghiwalay kay Aga, then it's your opinion! But you don't know how my decision kept me away from the pain, from the pain na nawala ang anak ko nang dahil sa asawa ko!"ako
I sobbed and stood up from my seat. I cried harder and covered my face. It still hurts, it does. Why it didn't leave?
"Hindi niyo ba naisip na baka sinisisi rin ni Sir Aga ang sarili niya? That what he only needs is you, his wife, to tell him that is wasn't his fault?"Ellaine
"Ellaine, let me clear this. Sinisisi mo ba ako? Mali ba ako? Ha?"ako
I asked as I faced her again.
"I'm— I'm just concerned! It's just so selfish that—"Ellaine
"Then stop being concern!"ako
"I'd only stop if hindi mo na pinapakita ‘yan!"Ellaine
I creased my forehead and shook my head because I didn't understand what she said.
"‘Yan! It's too obvious! Mahal niyo pa ang isa't isa! Mahal mo pa ‘yung lalaking sinisisi mo! Wake up, ano ba!"Ellaine
I avoided her gaze again as my tears started flowing again on my cheeks.
"Hulaan ko, you love him so much that it hurts, right? O umiiwas na naman kayo sa sakit? You can't hide from the pain, don't be a coward to face i—"Ellaine
"Oo duwag ako! Sabihin na nating mahal ko siya? Oo. I love him! Still! Pero anong magagawa ‘non sa tuwing naalala kong— kapag naalala kong—"ako
I looked down as I tried not to make any sound from crying.
"Nawalan ako ng anak?"ako
She heaved a deep breath and just stared at me. She wiped the tears that dropped on her cheeks and walked towards me to give me a hug. I cried harder and hug her back since that's what I badly need right now especially when my eyes have opened that it saw things that it didn't see before.
"Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if you lost Sophia. I can feel your pain and I can see it. But you became irrational. You shouldn't become selfish, if so you could have fixed it and lessen the pain as early as possible."Ellaine
She let go from the hug and gave me a sly smile. I blinked when she passed by me and left me here alone inside my office. I can't do anything but to sit and cry on my arms like a toddler, but unlike them, I'm questioning my decisions in life as an adult.
Fast-forward...
"Interview for the LaGala Magazine."Ellaine
"Cancel."ako
Hindi na siya sumagot, at nanibago ako dahil dati pinipilit ako niyan um-attend kapag nagca-cancel ako ng mahahalagang meeting especially interviews since she's excited for me, and for us, to be featured on magazines.
"Sir Aga's here."Ellaine
Then she left me standing here outside my office and went to her cubicle nang makarating kami doon.
"If you want I can say that you're not accepting any more visitor's for today?"Ellaine
"No! No."ako
I immediately answered. I sighed while watching her organizing the pile of paperwork on her table.
"Let him in."ako
I just said and entered my office. Ellaine and I are not just boss and employee because we became friends, together with the members of the team, that's why I don't like that we're like this today towards each other.
I looked at the door when someone opened it. I heaved a deep breath and smiled afterwards.
"You're here! Why?"ako
He smiled back and sat on the chair in front of my desk.
"I just wanna give this to you since malapit na ang shooting natin, next month na. I didn't notice it."Aga
I thanked him as I get the envelope that he put on the desk and put it at the side. I looked at him and convinced myself to speak my thoughts.
"Ahm, Aga."ako
I bit my lower lip and was about to continue when someone knocked on the door and opened it that made Aga and I looked at it. I creased my forehead.
"Chris? What are you doing here?"ako
He chuckled and looked at Aga then to me again.
"I'm sorry for disturbing, wala kasi ‘yung secretary mo sa labas kaya pumasok na ako. Ahm, I just assumed na hindi mo pa nababasa ang message ko sa‘yo?"Chris
I shook my head.
"I actually invited you for dinner again."Chris
I opened my mouth and momentarily glanced at Aga.
"Ahm, Chris, I'm sorry. Regarding that, maybe after Aga and I talked?"ako
I expected him to nod and understand but he just looked again at Aga and Aga does the same, nagsusukatan sila ng tingin hanggang sa tumigil na si Chris at tumingin sa akin.
"Okay. I understand. I'm sorry, I'll wait outside."Chris
I forced a smile and nodded. I was about to continue where I was interrupted earlier when Aga spoke.
"Is there something going on between you two?"Aga
"What?! No!"ako
I know that sounded very defensive but it's the truth!
"Okay. I just know that he likes you even before that's why I assumed that he's pursuing you."Aga
I sighed.
"No, Aga naman. Let's not talk about that stuff."ako
He forced a smile and nodded.
"I'm sorry."Aga
"No, it's all right. I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Aga."ako
He laughed.
"You don't have to. So, what were you talking about earlier? Before someone barged in?"Aga
I just shook my head when he emphasized the last phrase. However, I have to disregard that since it's not what important for now.
"Ahm... I just— I just wanna know if you're fine. Like, how you doing?!How's life! Haha. What do you feel... right now?"ako
I bit my lower lip when I thought that my questions are nonsense. Aga made a wide smile.
"I'm great! Thank you for asking. How ‘bout you?"Aga
"Ahm, I'm great too!"ako
Sabi ko at may pagtango-tango pa. He creased his forehead.
"Are you okay, Lei?"Aga
"Ahm, yeah! I just... I just wanna ask you something."ako
I looked at him as I bit my lower lip in nervousness.
"Okay. Is it about the project? What is it?"Aga
I immediately shook my head.
"No. It's not... it's not about the project, Aga. It's... am I selfish?"ako
We just stared at each other. I assumed that he's baffled about my question so I shook my head.
"Ah, nevermind about that."ako
Then I avoided his gaze. Bakit nga naman kasi out of nowhere eh magtatanong ako ng ganoong ng tanong.
"Well... you're not. You're not selfish, Lea. You're compassionate and real, so real. However, when it comes to things that you badly want or love, you do not like sharing it."Aga
I blinked after he said that. I'm just staring at him until I started tearing up for an unknown reason, or maybe it is known... I miss talking to someone who really knows me well.
"So, what's with the sudden question? Are you all right?"Aga
I nodded so he'd know that I'm all right, I am trying to be all right.
"I'm fine, Aga. Like what I said."ako
He just nodded. He started roaming his eyes as we both enveloped in silence.
"Akala ko ba babawi ka?"Aga
"Huh?"ako
I almost slap myself when I uttered that as if I don't know what he's talking about.
"Ah, nothing."Aga
"No! Ah... I was just spacing out but I know what you're talking about. How about tomorrow? We could have our date. Date?! No! Not date! I mean, dinner? Friendly dinner! If... you only like. Pwede namang lunch."ako
I faked a chuckle as I felt the embarrassment in my system. How dare I ask him for a date.
"I want the date."Aga
I raised my brows as we looked into each other, sabay naman kaming natawa. Eventually, I felt better. It is amazing how sharing a laugh with him make me feel better. That's amazing.
"Okay then, we'll have our date."ako
He gasped in shock.
"Really?"Aga
I grinned and nodded. Nakita ko naman kung gaano siya kasaya dahil doon, and I like that he's happy about it.
"So, tomorrow?"ako
He smiled.
"Tomorrow."Aga
Fast-forward...
"So, Chris. Tell me something about the girl you want to marry."ako
I chuckled na sinundan naman niya. We're having a dinner again. I just realized that my emotion should not affect other people, especially Chris is a friend and having catching up with him after so many years is not bad at all.
"First of all, she's an amazing woman."Chris
He chuckled so I shook my head since it's obvious that he really liked the woman the way he talks about her.
"That's good then. Ayaw mo ba ‘kong ipakilala sa kanya?"ako
He just stared at me.
"Baka magulat ka."Chris
I laughed.
"Bakit naman ako magugulat? Do I know this person?"ako
He looked on his plate and slowly nodded his head.
"Do you really want to know her?"Chris
I immediately nodded and waited for him to tell me. I can see how tense he is but there's nothing to worry about here, his secret is safe from me. I'm also excited about him since Chris is actually a good guy.
"It's you, Lea."Chris
My mouth opened as he said that. Kaagad naman akong tumawa nang maka-move on ako sa sinabi niya.
"Ano ka ba, Chris! Seryoso. Sino?"ako
Nakaramdam naman ako ng kaba ng hindi siya tumawa habang seryoso siyang nakatingin sa akin.
"I'm serious, Lei. It's you, I like you. I've been admiring you for years and you barely even notice it."Chris
I creased my forehead, confused.
"What? But, Chris... I—"ako
I sharply exhaled since I don't really know what to respond.
"It's okay, Lea. I know that it's still Aga."Chris
I creased my forehead.
"It's obvious, Lei. How you two stare at each other didn't change. I might not know exactly the reason why you two had to break up but... I know you two still love each other. I just want you to know how I feel dahil parang hindi ka talaga aware."Chris
He laughed and became serious afterwards.
"Aga loves you, Lei. I know he'll wait for you. He's actually been waiting for you... to be all right."Chris
I creased my forehead and shook my head.
"How did you know?"ako
Although Aga told me that he still loves me, it surprises me to know that other people also know it. Am I this insensitive? Or am I just really refraining myself to feel it because I'm afraid?
"You don't have to ask, because waiting is already a sign of love, Lea. Ako gusto kita, but I had girlfriends from the past even though I like you. But Aga? He's loyal and faithful after all these years when you two got annulled, and you must see that. And don't wait for him to get tired before you realize that you still want him to be part of your life."Chris
Fast-forward...
I crossed my arms and watched the the tree from a far that is gracefully waving its leaves. I'm here right now at the balcony, thinking a lot of things. Thinking about Aga.
Ellaine and Chris made me question my life decisions before. However, it doesn't make me regret anything because I know na kung hindi kami maghihiwalay ni Aga ay masasaktan ko lang din siya. My decision might seem, or is really selfish, but at least I've got to learn from them now. Speaking of Ellaine, I should call her.
I get my phone in the pocket of my robe and immediately dialed her number. She accepted it at the third ring. I smiled.
"Hello, Ellaine. Are you busy?"ako
It took her a second so I thought that she'd say yes.
"Not really."Ellaine.
I smiled.
"Galit ka pa ba sa akin?"ako
I just heard her sighed on the other line so I continued.
"Okay, Ellaine, I'm so sorry. Pwede ka bang pumunta ngayon dito sa bahay? Let's talk. Also, I want to say something and I need your help."ako
I waited for her answer pero hindi siya nagsasalita kaya tinignan ko ang phone ko. My goodness, she hang up.
20 minutes later...
I tightly closed my eyes and turned left then right again in my bed because I can't really sleep. A lot of things are bugging my mind and I'll be nuts if I won't talk to someone. I frowned and was about to flip my pillow when I heard a car from outside; since the sliding door on balcony is still open. I stood up and went to the balcony so I would know who it is.
My eyes widened and I covered my mouth when I saw that it was Ellaine who came out from the car.
"Ellaine!"ako
I exclaimed at parang bata na tumakbo palabas ng bahay.
"Ellaine!!!"ako
I opened the gate and hugged her so tight.
"You're here!"ako
I grinned and she just looked at me and showed me something.
"I brought my iPad in case you want me to do something."Ellaine
I frowned.
"Ellaine naman, eh! Wala akong ipagagawa, okay? No work! Mag-uusap lang tayo. You know we're not fine and I know that it's because of me."ako
Litanya ko habang hinihila siya sa braso papunta sa living room ng bahay ko.
"Sit down and wait me there."ako
I smiled at her and went to the kitchen to get Ellaine's favorite snack, it's blue berry muffin, which fortunately I still have, and hot chocolate. I did even put some small chocolate bar on another plate since she likes putting it in hot chocolate.
Kinunutan naman niya ako ng noo nang makita niya ang dala ko kaya hindi ko mapigilang matawa. I put it on the table then sat beside her.
"That's my peace offering, and please accept it. I know now my mistake, and I'm very sorry that I made you mad. Or baka nagtatampo ka lang since you can't be mad at me?"ako
Inirapan niya lang ako kaya natawa ako.
"So, muffin at hot chocolate lang, ‘ganon?"Ellaine
I laughed harder because I know that she already gave in.
"Mayroon pa sa ref."ako
We both laughed and hugged each other afterwards.
"I'm sorry."ako
"I'm sorry rin."Ellaine
We let go from the hug at ayun na nga't sinimulan niya nang lantakan ang paborito niyang pastry.
"Alam ko naman din kung saan ka nanggagaling eh. Actually, nagtatampo lang talaga ko, ‘yun lang. Because I know that even though you handle your problem very well doesn't mean it's not already heavy."Ellaine
I faked a smile because she was right. However, I didn't know that until now.
"Siya, huwag ka nang magtatampo ah. Hindi bagay sa‘yo."ako
We laughed again. I grinned and just watched her eat the muffin and drink the hot chocolate.
"Ahm, tomorrow, what should I wear?"ako
Napatingin naman siya sa akin na takang-taka at magkasalubong pa ang kilay.
"Bakit? Saan naman ang punta mo?"Ellaine
I refrained my smile and looked down as if I'm a high school teenage girl.
"Date."ako
She coughed first dahil nasamid ata siya sa iniinom niya.
"Date?! Kanino?! Kay Chris na naman? No! It's a big no! It's a treason."Ellaine
She was about to sip from the hot chocolate again when I spoke.
"May date kami ni Aga bukas."ako
At doon na nga siya tuluyang nasamid. Nakangiti lang ako sa kanya dahil pati ako ay hindi makapaniwala na... magde-date kami.
"What?! For real?!"Ellaine
I nodded so her jaw dropped.
"He asked you to have a date?"Ellaine
I shook my head.
"No. I asked him."ako
Natigilan naman siya at tumitig lang sa akin. I raised my brows and that's when she started laughing so hard, as in so hard!
"You asked him?! WAHAHAHAHA! Desperada ka na, ‘te? BWAHAHAHA!"Ellaine
"Bruha!"ako
I poke her head pero patuloy lang siyang humahagalpak sa pagtawa habang hawak hawak ang tasa ng hot chocolate. Sana matapon.
"Tumigil ka na nga! Seryoso kasi. Ano’ng susuotin ko?"ako
Hindi naman kasi ako nagpe-prepare ng susuotin kapag magdi-dinner kami ni Chris since I'm wearing an office attire. Also, I'm not conscious whatever I'm wearing. Pero ngayon I want to be well prepared. I want to wear the best dress and best makeup although may trabaho ako before that.
"Naku! Kay Sir Aga walang problema. Kahit nga mag T-shirt lang kayo okay na. For sure gandang-ganda pa rin si Sir sayo ‘yun. Yiiieh! Ganda ka?"Ellaine
"Gaga!"ako
"Pero sure ba na need pang magdamit?"Ellaine