33. Dreams To Dust
Madison Shepherd
I wasn't sure what woke me up initially, but I realized that Angelo wasn't in bed. My ears worked as thy caught a faint melody in the night. Pulling a sheet around me, I got up from the bed and left his room. The music was coming from the hallway where I found him by the window sill, violin under his chin, eyes closed, and his hands moving with impossible speed and precision on the strings as he played the melancholy tune that seemed so complicated it seemed difficult to believe that it was only one set of hands playing them. The music reached a pause and changed off to another tune at the bridge. He looked so ethereal, his body in the moonlight with the sad music streaming in.
"That was beautiful," I said, unable to keep silent anymore.
The music stopped much to my dismay and he looked up at me, setting his violin down. "You should be in bed by now," he admonished softly.
"I couldn't sleep."
"I hope I didn't disturb you," I said coming to his front.
He shook his head, taking my wrist and pulling me into his lap, "You didn't disturb me. I was actually inspired by you. Been a really long time since I played."
"That was a really beautiful piece. Vivaldi?"
"Actually it's a violin transcription of Gabriel Fauré's Après un rêve."
"How long have you been playing?"
"Since I was four. Father Lucas taught me."
My heart melts as I imagine Angelo as a dark eyed taciturn child who loves melancholy music, sitting in the alcove of his church paying his violin. I linked my arm around his neck and said, "Well it was beautiful."
"I wouldn't use that in comparison, not with you standing here," he smiled and picked me up. "And you, my sweet, should be back in bed. I kept you up really late last night." He walked back to the bedroom with me in his arms and paused at the foot of the bed. There was a red blot stain in the middle, evidence of my lost virginity.
"Well, that's going to give Damien something to laugh about," he murmured and looked at my face which was now aflame. "Hey, hey, hey," he said softly, "No need to be shy with me, darling. Remember, it's the two of us in this game, yes?"
I nodded against his shoulder as he sat me down and went to his wardrobe. He came out with a white pull over and handed it over to me. I put on the shirt and quickly got into bed. He got in after me and pulled me into his embrace.
"No regrets?" he whispered in my ear.
I shook my head and snuggled closer into his body, "never."
He kissed my ear once. "Sleep sweet, Madison."
*********
The sun, warm on my back woke me up. Angelo was asleep on his back, with an arm thrown across his face and the other holding me close to his side. Everything, except the time was clear to me, we were in his house and memories of last night came flooding in. How could anyone look so good and still be legal? I wondered. I angled my face upward to get a better look at is angelic face. His fingers lightly traced patterns into my back, making me aware he knew I was awake. I would be content to just stay like this, in this singular perfect moment and to never worry about the outside world.
I sighed in content. Everything was perfect now.
"You're staring," he called me out, still closing his eyes.
"I'm gazing," I corrected.
"It's creepy."
"It's romantic," I countered.
He cracked one eye open, before groaning and turning over on his stomach, burying his face in the pillow.
"Angelo!" I complained, swatting at his bare back. He laughed before hauling me up on top of his body and kissing me soundly. I ground my hips against his and he groaned against my mouth, "O, screw school and screw the world. I am so sleeping in late with you today, belleza." I laughed when he rolled over and pinned me beneath him, kissing and nipping my neck hungrily.
"I take it you're not mad about Tahj anymore?" I teased.
He looked at my face then with a frown, "I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought there for a second, but who is Tahj again?"
I laughed and he kissed my nose. "I love you so much. Do you know that?"
"I love you too," I said.
He sat up against the headboard, pulling me up against his body and wrapping I arms around my, he kissed my head again. "Ti amo più della mia vita, corpo, cuore e anima."
"I love you too," I whispered back.
"You have that glow about you that only Dio can make. I pray to Him every single day to keep you forever. Sometimes, when I see your face, it's like an angel came down and took me to heaven. I know this mess has been my fault, but I swear there's not a thing I won't do, I'll give my life up for you," he tipped my chin up, "We're made for each other, you and me. I want to marry you, Madison. I want to marry you and buy you a house and whatever it is you want and children, one day," his honeyed eyes bred deeply into mine.
I couldn't help but smile back at him. "Ok, but we have to make plans first because my father will just die if he doesn't get to walk me down the aisle and your father and-"
He laid a finger on my lips and shook his head, "please don't."
"But you don't even know what I was going to say,' I protested.
"I intuited that it was going to have the words 'Kendrick and Jasper' in them and I really don't want to spoil this very perfect time."
He is your father," I frowned. "However much you hate the fact, Jasper's your brother too."
"Half- brother," he said through his teeth.
"So is Giuliano," I reminded him.
"That's different," he growled. "Julian is my mother's son. I know him. I don't know what kind of guy Jasper is. Oh, wait, I do he's the prized legitimate son of my father while I'm just some woman's bastard. No, I won't put my family in that particular noose."
"Don't you ever call yourself 'just some woman's bastard'," I said firmly. "Aren't you even the least bit curious about the father you never knew?"
"he left my mother when she needed him the most. That's all I need to know."
"There are always two sides to a story. Aren't you even the least bit curious to learn his? What happened between him and your mother?"
His eyes hardened, "I don't want to talk about them, OK? I mean," he sighed and caressed my face, "This is our time, baby. It's never been right before, but now it is. Can we not just indulge in one very selfish day and deal with our very severely screwed up life later on? For one thing I know that Jackson is going to murder me when he finds out you spent the night here."
My father's name made me remember that it had a 'big red X' on his picture as Tahj had put it. Angelo had been trying to save my father, but I hadn't known it at the time. How long would he be able to keep up the ruse, before his boss suspected? Not for long, and the longer the game continued, the more dangerous it became for both he and my father. If anything were to happen to one of them, I didn't know what I would do. Angelo and I were only just beginning to find our footing; I didn't want to lose him.
"Angelo, you have to stop this," I said softly, "It's too dangerous and you know it."
"Madison," he began in a patient ton but I wasn't falling for it.
"Oh no you don't," I said quickly and sat up to face him in a combination of fear and anger, "Don't you dare take that oh so patient tone with me. I love too, ok, and I'm not going to let you go ahead and ruin our future together because of some stupid, stubborn pigheaded macho shit! Do you hear me Angelo Tallerico? I want you to quit it all."
"Madison I can't just do that," he said firmly, "It's all so complicated."
I glared at him. "Try me. I'm sure I can keep up."
"Look, first and foremost, I can't just walk out on Soto. He's done so much for me, I can now take care of my family, Julian has always wanted to take urban hip hop classes and Arianna always wanted to have ballroom dancing so she could attend a cotillion one day, my mother needs a new car, and my grandfather ought to be retiring in the Cayman not working 40 hours a week at some furniture factory. My family needs a new home in a safe neighborhood," he exhaled, "I could do all of that for them with the commission I'm getting form Soto."
"What happened to finishing school from Yale and then going on to Oxford?" I challenged him. "Angelo, you used to have so many dreams, Angelo, and now you've given them up to be Soto's henchman. It doesn't add up."
"And I still have them," he insisted, "Look, Madison, I'm in this not just for myself, but to protect the people I love. You saw how hot and dangerous it gets; I have to stay here with them. If not for nothing then to keep you and your father safe."
"I don't like it," I shook my head, "There has to be another way, we could go to the authorities and..."
"No," he said firmly. "You'll only complicate things. Soto will eliminate anyone who tries to make trouble for him. Not just them, but their families and everyone they've ever come in contact with. He doesn't like any loose ends. Is that what you want to happen?"
I bit my lip and he said, "I thought not. We have to be careful. I'm using all my influence to keep your father safe and it's a poor way of repaying that if you go running to the feds."
I sighed, "Well what do you want me to do? Just sit there and watch you risk your life?"
"Exactly," he grinned. "Have a little faith, Madison. I do not go down easily, I just got you back and I don't intend on losing you again, ok?"
I nodded reluctantly, "Ok. Just promise me one thing?"
"What?" he asked in a whiny, yet cute voice.
"Promise me that you'll be careful and if it gets too hot, you're out."
"Madison I can't just-"
"Promise me," I insisted stubbornly.
He searched my eyes and nodded, "Alright. I promise you."
"Good," I nodded in approval, and then smiled teasingly, "because if we're going to get married, you can't be dead."
"As if," he scoffed and rolled his eyes, "I'm too good. This reminds me, we have to see Father Lucas about a wedding. You don't mind getting married to a Catholic? Because I'll become a Buddhist for you."
"Just so I get to be with you," I said then wrinkled my nose, "And please, don't be a Buddhist. Can you imagine marrying a Sicilian Buddhist? What would our children be?"
"Conflicted, emotionally scarred, like their father," he said and we both laughed.
I looked around his wide room and remarked, "Well your room looks nice. Love the décor. It feels like it just got bigger in size."
"It's the only place I think didn't change when I did. It holds every important detail I always wanted to hold on to."
His stomach rumbled and I laughed, "We'd better feed the wolf in your belly, Tallerico,"
"And then I can came and have my wicked way with you all over again," he leered at me and nipped my chin. "So, what would mio bella like for breakfast? Don't tell me, I know. Eggs, pancakes drowned in butter and maple syrup and French toast with orange juice."
"Hmm," I smiled and stretched and smiled, "Sounds like you just read my mind. Making love gives you an appetite."
"You can say that again," he winked at me and got out of bed, pulling on a pair of jeans he didn't bother zipping up. "I'll just go take a piss and brush my mouth and get right on that." He leaned forward to kiss me before disappearing to the bathroom. I smiled and got out of bed, going to his closet. It was a huge walk in, filled with rows of expensive looking suits, silk shirts and ties, shoes, Fruit of the Loom Tees, jeans and leather jackets and boots with expensive fancy sneakers in almost every color. I shook my head, who would have guessed he was a fashion nut? Certainly not I. Or perhaps it was just some other thing he had adopted while running with the Colombians. His closet rivaled mine and Taralynn's.
Oh God, Taralynn! I though in alarm. I had completely forgotten about her. After Angelo had left her in the care of his two friends, Damien and the one called Quinn, I hadn't thought of her again. How selfish of me, I didn't know who they were and I wasn't sure if they had actually taken her home. Of course they had, they been following Angelo's orders and after last night I doubted anyone would dare to disobey him. I decided to call her but unfortunately, my phone was dead so I decided to use Angelo's phone instead. I searched through the jeans he wore the day before and pulled out his Samsung galaxy note. Scrolling through the contacts, I found Taralynn and dialed her number.
"Hello, Angelo?" she said when she answered.
"No, it's me, Tara."
"Oh my God, Madison," she shouted in relief. "Thank God you're ok! What happened? Did you and Angelo talk things out? You did, didn't you? I was so worried when those idiots got us I thought for sure we were goners and then Angelo cam and saved us and..."
"Tara," I said, cutting off her rambling, "I'm fine, ok! I'm totally fine." And I giggled, "Everything is just perfect."
She gasped, "Oh my GOD! You didn't!"
"Didn't what?"
"You know... do it. Did you guys do it? You did, didn't you?"
"Tara I don't..."
"Don't hold out on me. I want to know everything! How was it? Did he live...?"
"I'm hanging up now!" I said and ended the call. Angelo's phone beeped then and the icon signaling a new message popped up on the screen. The text was from someone called Zoe. Interest piqued, I wondered who Zoe was. I looked at the beginning of the text message that read, 'Hi babe! Coming home tonight! Get my bastard brother out of the house...."
Jealousy surged through me and I tried to quell it but it was hot. I had to know who this girl was. I knew I shouldn't be going through his messages but my fingers had a mind of my own as I opened the text. My heart seemed to fall right out of my chest. It was a sext message. There was a picture of a curvy dark haired Hispanic girl in only her lacy bra and panties striking a seductive pose. I scrolled down and found out that this wasn't the first of such messages. There were many others, some nude from her and Angelo in turn sending flirty and vulgar messaged to her to encourage. From the detailed descriptions, I knew them ked a very colorful sex life. My heart was aching, as I read some more messages. Angelo was in contact with many 'fuck buddies' as he bragged to his friend Damien in another message. Was that all I was to Angelo? A meaningless fuck to brag to his buddies about? Yesterday night, had it meant anything at all to him? Every kiss, every touch, had it all been a lie? Even while we were apart, he had been busy bed hopping all the while accusing me of being a slut and a whore? How hypocritical could he get?
The water in the bathroom stopped running and I heard him behind. "Madison, Are you ok?"
"You tell me," I could not recognize my own voice anymore.
"What's going on?"
I whirled around and shoved the phone in his face. His eyes widened when he saw the nude pictures. "Oh damn it." He looked at my face, "You shouldn't have been going through my phone in the first place, you known that."
"Because then I wouldn't have discovered your sordid little affair, right?" I said angrily, "Or was there something more disgusting you didn't want me to know about?"
"Madison," he held up his hand, "I can explain."
"Fine," I glared hotly at him, "Explain then."
He closed his mouth, "Alright, I can't explain, but listen it's not what you think at all."
"So she isn't your lover? How long has this been going on? I'll bet you were thinking about her all the while we were together, thinking of some more experienced girl you were going to nail, huh?"
"Madison!" he said shocked. "That's not true."
"So you aren't sleeping with her?"
"Yes, but.... But with Zoe, its just sex, that's all it's ever been about with me and her, I don't love her."
I closed my eyes, "Oh my God. Just sex? Just sex, Angelo!"
"Well what did you expect? That I'd wait forever while you and my brother were making it in Macau or whatever?" he responded harshly.
My mouth parted and I took a step backward. Was that what he really thought about me?
He raked a finger through his hair and exhaled sharply. "Look that came out wrong ok? I didn't mean that, I'm sorry."
"No, don't be sorry. That's what you've always thought about me, isn't it? That I've been sleeping with Jasper. I wish now that I actually did, at least he's not a hypocrite like you are."
"Stop this right now," he told me firmly, "I have apologized for all the things I said and did in the past. What more do you want from me? Alright, so I've been sleeping with Zoe for some time. Big fucking deal, it didn't mean anything other than a quick fast fuck. End of story, just..." he raised a hand, "Let's just forget about her ok? She means nothing." He came forward and I couldn't stop the anger that rose up in me. I slapped his face.
He inhaled, "You are entitled to one hit, but that is enough."
"How dare you try to talk your way out of this one?" I screamed at him. "You arrogant, selfish, self-righteous bastard! Just sex, that's what you thought about us this whole time isn't it? I know it because you just confirmed it. God, I hate you so much. I wish last night hadn't happened. I thought that you had changed, that you were willing to change now I see that your gangster life is too good for you to leave."
He stood there in silence, taking it all in. his silence infuriated me the more for it proved that he wasn't going to negate my words, that they were true. I wanted him to deny it, to say it wasn't true, but he didn't.
"So what do you want to do?" he asked me, lifting his chin up in a gesture that I knew to be daring. Did he really think I could not walk out on this farce right now? "Madison, I would tell you I regret whatever I did but I'd be lying. I'm not going to apologize for who I am. You'd better learn to accept who I am as I am not going to change because it offends your delicate sensibilities. That was all in the past, Zoe and I are done. El fin. End of story."
"I don't have to accept anything least of all you! You're a cheat and a liar and I wish I never met you!" eyes swimming with tears I set about gathering my clothes, then I raised I had left them in the spare room.
"Madison," he held my hand but I snarled at him viciously, "Don't even dare it." He released me immediately. I ran downstairs and hurriedly put my clothes on. It had all been a lie. A stupid fairy tale and I, a stupid girl had believed his every lie. Oh, God, I was such a fool. Silently weeping, I fled the house. Damien Salvadore was pulling up in his bike.
He frowned when he saw me. "Shepherd?" he studied my tear-streaked eyes, "What's going on? I thought you and Tallerico had patched things up?"
"Can you please help me, I need to get out of here," I pleaded.
"What's going on?" he asked again, and looked past me, "Tallerico what happened to your girl? What the fuck's going on for fuck's sake?"
I looked over my shoulder to see Angelo standing on the porch, hands crossed over his chest and an icy expression on his face. "Damien, get her the fuck out of my sight and make sure she doesn't come back here."
"You want me to baby-sit her?" he asked in astonishment. "Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on here?"
"What I want is for you to do what the hell I tell you without the questions. You think you can handle that?" barked Angelo. "Now I said get her the fuck out of here."
Damien looked between me and Angelo again with a raised eyebrow, "Uh... sure thing. Where do you wanna go honey?"
"Ocean View luxury apartments," I said quietly.
"Hop on," he said handing me his spare helmet. I didn't dare look back at Angelo as I got on Damien's bike and he drove away. It was over, this time for good. No second chances because he wasn't planning in changing.
Damien dropped me off at the front of Ocean View and I let myself up to Jasper's apartment. I knocked twice and then he opened the door.
"Madison," he smiled and said, "God, I've been trying to reach you love. Where the hell have you been, your father said you were out with Taralynn and she wouldn't tell me where you were."
I took a huge breath as I prepared my words. I had made a final decision, no more conflicting emotions; I could not continue to chase after the clouds, the dream that was Angelo Michelangelo Tallerico. I looked into Jasper's blue eyes and said, "It's you. I choose you,"
He frowned in confusion, "What? I don't get your meaning."
"I've been thinking a lot about what happened and about what you said, and you're right, I can't keep giving people who hurt me the power to do so. I can't keep waiting on a fantasy and so I knew I had to choose between you and Angelo. I made a choice. I choose you Jasper. You can give me what I want, security, love and comfort. I know you won't lie to me and I know you won't disappoint me the way countless others have. So it's you I want. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but I'm not sorry that I allowed you in to my heart. It's you I want, Jasper Marc- Nuoah. I choose you."
He looked at me a long time, and then smiled, "I love you, Madison Shepherd. I always have. I know I'll never be Angelo..."
"I don't want to hear his name ever again," I told him firmly. "He doesn't belong in this equation. It's just you and me now, and the future."
He nodded, "Alright. So be it."
"I love you too, Jasper." I said with a little smile as I battled the tears. "And I want to be with you." before my courage failed me, I took a step forward and placed my lips to his own. He was shocked at first, but he responded with equal fervor.
This was my choice. This was who I wanted to be with.
There was no more Michelangelo Tallerico; I could only take so much disappointment and heartache.
He was gone.