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If This Is Love: 4 | Broken, Shattered and Blue
| Laura Renae |
"What time is it?" Riker asks, a giant yawn escaping his mouth right at the end of his question. I couldn't help but chuckle at the ugly face he makes when he yawns. Let's be real, all our faces are ugly when we yawn.
"Almost two in the morning." Rocky tells him. "Shit, I'm pretty sure I have to be up early to fly to Sam Diego with dad." He mumbles.
"Vanni's parents will be in town and I'm suppose to pick them up with her at like, six." Riker groans.
"I should probably get some sleep, too. I'm positive Rydel will be pissed if I wake her up any later than this." Ellington grunts as he sits up, to which I scrunch up my nose and look up at the boys. Rydel did go to bed a few hours, but not without reminding me that I can wake her up if I can't sleep. "You going to bed?" Ell asks me, ruffling my already messy hair.
"No, I think I'm gonna stay here and mess around on the keys for awhile." I tell him. Rocky sucks in a breath at my words. "I won't mess with anything on the computer, alright?" He was hesitant to nod his head, but when he did I gave him a full blown smile. "Night boys, love you." They mumble a love you back as they left the homemade studio, leaving me in peace. Looking around, I go over to our huge Roland Piano, turning it on and disconnecting it from the computer just to ensure I don't mess with Rocky's work. Playing a few random notes and chords, I furrow my eyebrows and grab a random notepad and pencil laying around. Sitting on the chair, I write some of the chords down and mess around a little more with playing some new ones.
I was never the one to help that much in the writing process, just because nothing has really happened in my life like, romantically, so I never really tried for a song on my own. But now? I suddenly have inspiration. I mess around for a few more minutes on piano before stopping and grabbing the pen and paper. How the hell do I sort out my feelings? My phone suddenly vibrated and my text tone went off, to which I groaned and grabbed it. Why the hell would my mom be texting me at 2:03 in the morning?
From Mommy💃🏻❣️:
How have you been?
I'm confused. Why in the world would my mother, who usually is asleep before midnight, most nights eleven, be talking to me about how I've been? Ellington must've said something...
To Mommy💃🏻❣️:
I'm good. The real question is... a you okay?
Why are you up at two in the morning?
From Mommy💃🏻❣️:
You sure?
To Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Look, whatever Ellington told you are complete
lies, alright? I'm fine
From Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Then tell me why he told me you were all puffy
eyed this morning? And why are you still messing
around in the studio?
To Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Like I told E, I bought different remover wipes.
And I'm not tired
From Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Baby, if something's bothering you, I'm always
here if you want to talk
To Mommy💃🏻❣️:
I'm fine. It's just... been a long day. Still trying
to figure it out, I guess
Wait... it's been a long day... figuring it out... quickly, I snatch the notebook down and scribble down the words before checking the new text from my mom.
From Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Figure what out?
To Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Just stuff. I'll talk to you tomorrow alright?
I'm gonna try and finish something
From Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Promise me you'll get some sleep, alright? I don't
want to have to sign you up for that therapist again
To Mommy💃🏻❣️:
I'm 21, I think I'm good. Night, love you
From Mommy💃🏻❣️:
Love you too
I play the first chord that I think would suit the words, close my eyes, and sing a somewhat unsteady pitch.
"It's been a long day and I'm..." I pause and think of how to word the next part. "Still figuring it out." Scrunching up my nose, I shake my head and play the first few chords. "It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out." My eyes widen as I go below my scribbles and write the words out as neat as I could.
It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out
The way those words left your mouth
"I feel..." My fingers stay glued on the keys, the notes still somewhat playing and slowly dying off as I scatter through my brain. How do I feel? Hurt? Shattered? Broken? Upset? Jealous? "I feel broken, shattered and..." Pausing once again, I play from the beginning. "It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out. The way those words left your mouth. I feel broken, shattered and blue." Nodding my head the slightest, I write the lyrics down with the other two lines.
It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out
The way those words left your mouth
I feel broken, shattered and blue
And why do I feel like that? Because of him.
"And it's all because of him-" I cut myself off and shake my head. "And you're the... and its all because of your asshole ways." I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. "And it's all because of you. And I'm trying, trying to figure it out." I could help but smile as I write down exactly what I just sang. Before playing it again, I go onto my phone and go to my recording app to just record myself. Pressing record, I play the first few notes before coming in. "It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out. The way those words left your mouth. I feel broken, shattered and blue. And it's all because of you. And I'm trying, trying to figure it out." Smiling wide, I press stop and go back to playing.
| 8:00am (January 8th, 2017) |
"Laura Renae Ratliff, are you serious?" I jump at the sound of Rydel voice. I was trying so fucking hard to sneak back into the house as quietly as I possibly could. But I guess I should've known Rydel would be up and at it by now. Hell, usually the both of us are up and at it by now. I'm screwed. "Did you seriously stay out there all night?" She asks me.
"I uh... I-I couldn't sleep and I got hooked on a song and lost track of time, I guess. I just... I've never written a song by myself and I suddenly had inspiration and I couldn't stop. It's not like it mattered if I stayed out there, it's not like I would get any sleep being in my room." I ramble.
"That's why I told you to come get me or Ellington and we would've slept in your bed with you." I frown at her.
"Rydel, the only reason why Ross helps me sleep is because he holds me all night. I doubt my big brother would hold me all night. I don't want him to hold me all night because that's just weird. And I also doubt you'd be up for holding me all night, too." I explain to her. "It's not the same and it won't ever be. I'll try and sleep tonight, alright?" She sighs.
"You won't." She tells me. "Brianna is coming by a little past five o'clock and spending time with us. I wouldn't be surprised if she actually stays the night. Meaning you'll most likely cry your eyes out again." I frown again. She's right. "My mom just texted me asking if you and me wanted to go get some brunch with both your mom and mine, and then head back to your parents' place for a bit. I said we'll go because it'll get your mind off this stuff for awhile." I nod slowly at her. "They'll be here by nine-thirty. I just showered and put dry shampoo in." She then adds.
"I guess I'll shower." I mumble. "Um... do you think Rocky would let me sleep with him tonight?" I ask. "Or does he not do good with girls crying their eyes out?" I ask.
"I'll sleep with you tonight." She sternly says. "Now go shower." Nodding, I walk to the front of the house and open my bedroom door, setting the couple pages of scribbled lyrics in my nightstand drawer and plugging in my phone. As soon as I step outside my bedroom, Ross walks through the front door, a smile on his face once he sees me.
"Hi." He says, walking closer to me. I give him a small smile. "Do you wanna head out back with me and listen to the songs?" He asks me. I suck in a breath.
"I'm actually about to shower." I tell him. "And then I'm meeting my mom and Stormie for brunch with Rydel." I add.
"Oh." He whispers, his smile fading. "When will you be back?" He asks me now. I shrug my shoulders. "Oh." He mumbles. "I really need to talk to you about Brianna and our new situation." Do we have to? "Will you be back before five?"
"I think." I whisper. "You can always just text me, Ross." He shakes his head.
"It'd be better if it was face to face, really." I give him a slight nod. "Can you leave the door unlocked? I gotta pee and brush my teeth." I suck in another breath before nodding my head and walking away. Before I got too far, I stopped at my the closet and picked up a sports bra and shorts, then headed towards the bathroom with the door unlocked.
I was rinsing out my shampoo the first time when I heard the door open and close. I wasn't expecting Ross to actually talk to me while I was in here. We usually always talk when one of us is showering, even if the other person doesn't have anything to do, we just sit on the counter and have a conversation. I just figured Ross didn't want to since he has Brianna now, so when he actually did start up a conversation, I almost jumped.
"Why'd you guys decide to go out to eat?" He asks, raising his voice so I can hear him clearly.
"Uh, I actually don't know." I loudly say. "Rydel just told me before I got in the shower."
"Oh. Well did you sleep good?" He asks me. Do I lie to him or do I tell him the truth? I buff out a breath and rinse out round two of shampoo. "Bean?"
"I actually didn't." I say, biting my lip and praying he wouldn't ask why.
"You didn't sleep good? Why not?" Sighing, I put a shit ton of conditioner in before replying to him.
"I think you know why." I mumble.
"Bean, I can't hear you!" He sounded completely irritated, yet a tad bit worried. Groaning, I push the curtains aside and stick my head out, trying my best to make eye contact with his blurry ass face.
"We'll talk about it later, alright?" I tell him. "Drop it for now." I could make out a nod in his figure before I give him a weak smile and close the curtain, going back to rinsing my body. Honestly, I took my time in the shower, not caring that I had to rush and get ready. As soon as I got out, I changed into my shorts and sports bra, immediately blow drying my hair.
"Is it later now?" Ross asks, opening the bathroom door up. Sighing, I set the blow dryer down and grab my brush, untangling my hair so I can curl it. "Laura, what's going on?" He asks me sweetly. "Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I stayed in the studio all night." I reply. "And I'm assuming you stayed the night at Brianna's." I see him nod through the mirror. Giving him a brief smile, I turn on my curling iron and put some moisturizer on my face so my curling iron can heat up.
"Why?" He asks.
"Because I wasn't tired." Again, I shrug my shoulders.
"Bean, why couldn't you sleep." I sigh and shake my head as I look in his eyes through the mirror. My glasses were falling off my nose, to which I quickly push up.
"Why do you think, Ross?" I ask, keeping my eyes glued to his.
"Laura, we can't sleep on the same bed forever. We both have to get use to it." He tells me.
"You have Brianna, so you're already sleeping like a baby. I'm alone. Me being alone in my own bed doesn't mix well, Ross. You helped me sleep, and when the help gets taking away, I stay up all night." I explain. "Just the way it's going be, so don't worry about it." I want to say more. I want to tell him to break it off with Brianna. I want to shout it out that I may have developed feelings for him. I wanted to scream something out, but I couldn't.
"Why don't you just take a nap?" He asks me.
"Are you not understanding that you're the help?" I ask him, picking up my curling iron. "The whole point of me not sleeping is because you're not holding me." He frowns at me through the mirror as I take a chunk of my hair and wrap it around the wand. "And like I said before, it's just the way things are going to be now, so don't worry about it, alright? I can handle myself." He didn't look all that happy.
"Are you mad at me?" He suddenly asks.
"I don't know, Ross." I straight up say. "All these changes are making me mad." I admit.
"But I have a girlfriend." I roll my eyes.
"We didn't change for your previous girlfriends." I mumble.
"And that's why we all broke up." So now I'm the reason Ross couldn't hold down a girl? How the hell is that my fault?
"Can you just go?" I snap. "I'm kinda done talking to you right now." Ross looks shocked at my outburst. But that washed away quickly and was replaced with irritation.
"Damn, you're grumpy when you get no sleep." He mumbles, walking right out the bathroom door. As soon as the door shuts, tears well up in my eyes. What did I just do? Sighing, I finish curling my hair in peace. I pick out some light ripped blue jeans, a cute floral print off the shoulder top, some black heeled boots, and managed to change into that with remembering deodorant, perfume, putting my contacts in, and a cute choker on, and then set off to do my makeup. Once I was done, I walk out into the kitchen and see Rydel completely ready, talking to both Ellington and Ross.
"Hey, did mom text you last night?" Ell asks me.
"Yup." I reply, popping the p. "And next time, Ellington, don't tell mom. She wants to sign me back up with that damn therapist." I mutter the last sentence, but Ellington heard it nonetheless and chuckled. "Ell, you know I hated that." He soft smile faded and he became serious.
"Did you sleep last night?" He asks me. I ignore him and grab a water from the fridge.
"No, she didn't." Rydel tells him for me. "She stayed in the studio all night." I could definitely hear the disappointment in her voice. Blame your brother.
"Are you serious?" Ellington groans. I didn't even care that Ross was sitting at the island, I honestly hope he feels guilty. "Laura Renae, you have to sleep!" I look at Ross.
"Blame him." I shrug, tearing my gaze away from Ross. As much as I want to be pissed at him, all I could think about is how fucking sexy he looks right this second.
"Not my fault." Ross mumbles. I bite my tongue to keep my mouth shut. Fuck it.
"Kinda is." I mumble back.
"And Laura and I are out. Bye, boys." Rydel grabs my wrist and drags me out of the house and to her car.
"I thought they were picking us up." Rydel shakes her head and unlocks her car, the two of us piling in.
"Change of plans, we're meeting them there." Sighing, I rest my head against the back of the seat and close my eyes.
• i did really try and make this chapter a tiny bit longer... i don't know if you can really tell or not, but it is slightly longer, not much though. but... don't forget to vote, comment something sweet, and follow me! love you, babes💜 •
Question: Favorite song off New Addictions?
Answer: Trading time or Lay Your Head Down
-rydelly_belly💜