Author: RylynKaideiNovels
Title: Dark Angel
Cover:
I think the cover suits the story. It’s dark without being too dark. The girl looks supernatural and there is a hint of fangs/blood in the colours.
Summary:
Since the is a fanfic and I’m not familiar with the fandom, it’s hard for me to say whether your summary is appropriate. It is very short. I would encourage you to consider putting more there as you develop the story. You want enough intrigue to draw in readers.
Story Positives:
I think your characters are interesting and the connection between Nevaeh and Ashton seems legitimate. You have some nice imagery and I could clearly picture the vampire portions in your descriptions. The punctuation around the dialogue is sometimes correct (check comma use).
Tips for Improving:
Sentence structures – try to be clear and concise. Avoid repeating words and phrases in the same sentence. Even if the idea isn’t repetitive, the words make it appear as though it is.
Paragraphing – in the first few chapters, the paragraphs are in large chunks. The final paragraphs seemed to have a better sense of paragraphing. Think about what information should be grouped together and then assess whether the paragraphs are getting too large (for Wattpad paragraphs are often a bit smaller than in traditionally published works).
Try to work on setting the scene more at the start of each chapter. Show the reader the sights and smells as well as some visual cues to ground the reader in the scene. Often, I wasn’t sure exactly where the action was taking place. I am sure you have those details in your head, make sure they end up on the page, too.
Try to help the reader get to know your characters before putting them in danger. What is the connection between Ashton and Nevaeh? Why are they important to each other? (this may be the fanfic part and if so – sorry – I’m not familiar with it)
In each chapter, try to keep the POV to one person. Switching the POV when you’re writing in first person isn’t usually done unless it is a new chapter.
Overall, I think you’ve got an interesting start here. If you have questions about any part of this review, please send me a PM.
Keep writing – we all start somewhere.