A full year had passed since Justin and I had been dating and it has been amazing! Every day I wake up and I thank God for blessing me with Justin. It’s amazing to know that God loved me so much that he took the time to create him especially for me and vice versa. It was now Valentine’s Day weekend and I wanted to do something special. I invited him over and I decided to portray one of the scenes from my latest romance novel I had been reading. When he came inside I had rose petals from the doorway leading all the way to the basement. Once we got to the basement I had a big black blanket spread out on the floor with some of Justin’s favorite foods spread out. We fed each other and I actually read a poem aloud that I had written especially for him.
“Nicole this was so sweet of you. I’ve never had a female put this much thought into doing something for me. You’re effort has been duly noted baby,” he kissed me before saying, “close your eyes.” I closed my eyes and when I opened them, he had a small box in his hand. My heart began to pound uncontrollably and I started sweating….was this what I think it was?
“Open it baby,” he encouraged.
Opening the box, I saw the most gorgeous pair of diamond stud earrings. I must admit, I thought it was an engagement ring in that box but I was more than grateful for the earrings. I’ve never had a guy give me something without expecting to get anything in return. He also gave me the cutest stuffed animal. I named him Valentino in honor of our first valentine’s day. This day was so special to me and I appreciated Justin so much for sharing it with me. At the end of the night, I couldn’t stop professing my love to him. I loved him and I wanted the world to know.
It seemed that finally my dreams were coming true. Instead of being bitter about love, I began to embrace love. Once Justin came into my life, it seemed as if I became one of those characters from a fairytale. I had my prince charming and things were going great…but just like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end…we ended up having our first major fight.
It was a Friday morning and I had just come back from the bank when I got a phone call from Vic. He was saying how he wanted to see me and how he needed to talk to me about something important. I hung up the phone and called Justin. I told him what happened on the phone with Vic and he told me to change my phone number when I got in the house. I did as I was told. I only gave my new phone number to a selected number of people. When Vic couldn’t reach me via telephone, he began sending me emails…disturbing emails. In one of the emails he said how he was dying and how he needed me back in his life. The other emails were descriptions of my whereabouts. He had been following me around and he made it known. Once again, I called Justin because I was scared at this point. I knew Vic was crazy and the threats that he made in those emails were very descriptive and vulgar.
“Baby calm down. I’m on my way over there now,” Justin reassured me.
When he arrived, he took me to the police station and I filed a restraining order against Vic. He was allowed to come near me. I felt safer. For months I hadn’t heard anything from Vic, no calls, texts, or emails. Just when I began to feel normal again, he showed how evil he really was. It was Friday evening and Justin had picked me up from work. We were inside of the bank when I noticed that I was missing $400 from my checking account. Justin began to question me about it and all I could do was suspect that Vic was the one to take it. He was the only person that knew all of my information besides my mother.
Vic’s tactics began to put a damper on my relationship with Justin. We argued over meaningless things. I began to feel like that insecure little girl again. I began second guessing everything that he did. I questioned his whereabouts, his loyalty to me, who he was with, and pretty much everything he said and did. It was as if Vic still had control over me and Justin didn’t like it. He broke up with me and I cried for a month straight. I felt like my best friend was taken away from me. I felt lost and lonely again. I texted and called Justin non-stop for 2 weeks before he finally said anything to me.
“Can we talk?” I asked.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he responded coldly.
“Yes there is. I want to start off with an apology for the way I’ve been treating you,” I said.
“And?”
“And I know I’ve become insecure and hard to deal with these past few months and I’m truly sorry…Justin I love you and the fact that we haven’t spoken is killing me inside,” I began to cry.
“Babe don’t cry. These past few months have been hard on the both of us but I realized something. I don’t want you to think that I broke up with you for no reason. I left because I don’t think you’re ready for this particular kind of relationship. I don’t think you can handle being with someone like me.”
“Justin I’m ready. I know that I am…I don’t want you to leave me,” I sobbed.
“I think we need to take some time a part to make sure we’re doing the right thing.”
“How much time apart?”
“As long as it takes Nicole. I love you and I know this will work out for the best. Do you trust me?”
“Yes I trust you.”
“Okay, you take care of yourself and I’ll be in touch.”
When we hung up I cried. I cried for a lost relationship…I cried for the man I loved. It seemed like my past managed to weasel its way into my present life and not only did it screw up the present but it altered my future as well. I must’ve cried so much because my mother came into my room. She held me as I cried. I told her everything that had been going on and all she told me to do was pray.
“Prayer changes things sweetie. Sometimes we may go through a situation where we can’t see our way out…and the only way out is by God. When’s the last time you talked to God…I mean really and truly spent time with God?”
…I didn’t have an answer because I didn’t know. It seemed as if I lost track of the most important thing in my life. God wanted my attention but I was placing Justin in the forefront as my main focus. Once God blessed me with Justin, it was as if I forgot all about God. Many times we as Christians are guilty of this. For a while, we’ll pray and fast and ask God to bless us with something and as soon as God comes through for us, we forget all about him. I was guilty of neglecting God and I needed to make things right.
Dear Diary,
Heavenly Father, thank you for this day and the people you have put into my life. Father thank you for placing Justin in my life. Thank you for the love you have for me and the forgiveness you have given me. Thank you for your Son, who lives in me. You know my heart Lord and the depths of my love for JustinI pray that you will restore our relationship Lord. Justin is a very special person to me and I love him so much.
I know that my past had wounded my heart, but you have healed it and taken away the things that kept me from loving again as you would have me do. Lord, I pray that you will continue to change me and make me into the woman you would have me to be. Lord, I know I hurt him and caused his heart to harden. Lord Jesus I pray that you will soften his heart toward me as it once was and lead him to you and back to me. I know he believes in you as do I.
Lord, I ask that you continue to reveal me to me. I ask that you show me myself as you see me Lord. Show me myself as Justin sees me Lord. I ask these things in your most holy and mighty name. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
-Lost
It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve spoken to Justin and I’ve been using this time to get to know myself. I’ve been fasting and praying and God has been revealing a lot to me. He’s shown me that I wasn’t ready for a relationship with Justin. I was still stuck on my past. I didn’t fully forgive myself or Vic for the things that happened in my past. I still clung on to it. I knew that the only way I was going to be able to get over my past was to fully place it in God’s hands. God was the only one that was going to get me over that hump.
After 4 days of contemplating on it, I decided to call Justin. I was ready to talk and I just hoped he was ready to listen.
“Hey Justin can we talk?”
“What’s up?”
“You were right. For the past few weeks I’ve been praying and fasting and just asking God to show me myself the way you see me and he has. You were right all along. I wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship that you were. I couldn’t be the kind of woman that you needed me to be because I didn’t know what kind of woman God was calling me to be. As bad as I wanted to be, I wasn’t fully over my past. There were times where I was still comparing you to Vic. I didn’t know how to properly show you love because I wasn’t properly loving myself.”
“What are you saying Nicole?”
“I’m saying that if you’ll have me, then I’d like to try us again. I’d like a second chance.” It seemed like forever before he responded. I could feel my knees growing weak…my heart felt like it was about to explode. The silence was driving me crazy and I couldn’t deal with it.
“…Justin are you still there?”
“Yes baby I’m here.”
“Did you hear what I said? Are you willing to give me another chance?” I asked hesitantly.
“Yes,” he simply stated.