Confessions of a Christian Girl: Naked and Unashamed

Chapter Four: "...if you love me..."

A few weeks had passed and I haven’t heard anything from Vic. I tried calling him a few times. The first time I called, I was sent straight to voicemail. The last time I tried, I was told that his number was no longer in service…that was enough for me. I was officially 9 weeks pregnant and I planned on keeping my baby whether he chose to be a part of our lives or not. I wrote him a letter explaining to him that I was no longer his fool and that I planned on being the best mother that I could be for our child. I gave him the option to be there. I never got a response from him.

 

“…It rained last night…”

…it rained last night…and I thought I heard your voice. The wind howled and I smelt your scent…you smelt like lies and deceit. Reminiscing and thinking back to those days, made me think of a more subtle and disturbing time in my life. It seems as if the good always outweighed the bad…

…it rained last night…and I cried…thinking about all of the time I wasted. I really and fully believed that we would last…guess I was wrong. Looking out of the window, I could have sworn I saw your face, slowly forming inside of those lonely teardrops. They depicted your mocha skin, your deep penetrating eyes…and your weak smile…

…both thunder and lightning argued last night…and I thought about us…opposites…one shows actions, while the other merely speaks loudly…yet emotionless. Remnants of our last altercation fluttered in front of my eyes…I saw us. We were in your bedroom when she called you…you took the call in the other room…

…it rained last night…and my tear ducts went dry …my emotion well had vanished…there was nothing left for you to take from me…

It was 9:45am on a Thursday when it happened…the day that I could no longer keep my secret…the day that it all came crumbling down. I was in my first period AP English class and I began having the sharpest pain in my back. It felt like someone was literally sticking me with needles in my lower back as well as in my ovaries. I honestly didn’t know what was wrong so I got the hall pass and went to the girl’s bathroom. Locking the door behind me I proceeded to pull my pants down. I had been bleeding. I began to get cramps…I never felt that type of cramps before the pain was unbearable. I went to the nurse to call my mother. She brought me a change of clothes and she made sure not to leave without giving me the third degree. As bad as I wanted to go home, I couldn’t miss school today. I had secretly been skipping my 8th and 9th periods and going home to take a nap every day. I got a letter sent to my house from the school saying that I was in danger of failing those 2 classes if I didn’t start showing up. I needed to be in school today despite how bad I was feeling. 

I walked out of the nurse’s office and nearly passed out. I had no clue what was going on with me and I was scared out of my mind but I refused to tell anyone. I managed to get through the rest of my morning classes and by lunch time I was beyond nauseous. The faint smell of peas and meatloaf penetrated my nostrils and I couldn’t take it any longer. I ran to the bathroom and all of the stalls were full, I couldn’t contain my vomit any longer, so, I threw up in the sink. The bathroom was full but I didn’t care. When I was done throwing up, the bathroom was empty and vomit was everywhere. I tried to clean it but the pain was getting worse. I couldn’t stand up. Someone called my mother and I heard my name being called on the loudspeaker saying to come to the main office because I was going home. 

When I got to the principal’s office, my mother’s face was full of concern. 

“Nicole what’s wrong? The school called me and said you were vomiting all over the bathroom,” she was worried.

“I just have cramps. Please take me home ma,” I could barely stand.

She grabbed my backpack and helped me out of the school. When we got to her car, she helped me get in but I couldn’t even sit down in my seat. I began to cry out from this pain. I literally felt like my insides were being pulled out of me and I couldn’t take it anymore.