Confessions of a Christian Girl: Naked and Unashamed

The rhythmic tapping of the rain against my window pane makes me drift to a simpler time in my life; a time where my only cares consisted of me waking up, paying attention in class, and getting good grades; but these days, life is much more complicated. These days, the days seem longer and the nights seem much shorter and sleepless. I wake up every morning just in time for my mother to get ready for work and just in time for my morning sickness to kick in. I’d go into the bathroom and attempt to brush my teeth; only to get stopped by nausea as I brushed my tongue. I’d leave the faucet running just to create the illusion that I was preparing for school; all the while I’d be face down into the toilet bowl emptying my ever-present demons. This became my morning routine for 3 months, 4 days, 17 hours, 28 minutes, and counting…I began to wear my sister Naomi’s clothes pretending that I loved her sense of style, when in all actuality I was just trying to hide an un-planned pregnancy.

…yeah I remember when life was much simpler…

It all started with Ms. Jackson’s sixth period biology class. We were dissecting snakes and it smelt horrible. The whole bio lab smelt of spoiled milk and collard greens. I was so overwhelmed with the smell. Headed to the girl’s bathroom in an attempt to keep my tater tots down, I saw him. He was the most fascinating specimen I had seen in all of my 14 years. His scent illuminated the gloomy hallway. He smelled of Irish Springs soap and Axe body spray. His aroma gave the hallway life and made my hormones jump around like fleas on a dog…and his smile…what a wonderful smile it was! You could tell that he wore braces in his younger years because his teeth were perfectly straight and undeniably white. He was breath-taking. I don’t mean to sound mushy but he made my knees go week. He made my stomach flutter. He made my heart melt like butter poured on freshly popped popcorn. I was in love! Shakespeare said it best, “When I first saw you I fell in love and you smiled because you knew.” 

Trying to compose myself I walked past him as quickly as possible; it must’ve worked because he didn’t look in my direction. The rest of the day consisted of me wondering why “my guy” hadn’t even noticed me. He was so mysterious…so inexplicable like Edward Cullen in my favorite movie Twilight. When I went to bed that night, he was all up and through my thoughts. Weeks had passed since I first saw my guy in the hallway. I was convinced that he didn’t even notice that I existed. Mid December was when everything changed. This marked a period in my life where I began to second guess everything that I ever knew about myself. 

I had been sitting in the cafeteria reading a draft of my sister’s screenplay and thumbing through my daily horoscope when it happened. 

“You are so cute,” he said.

“Thank you,” I answered not even bothering to look up. I’ve gotten tons of compliments since I’ve been at this school, so one more really didn’t move me.

“What’s that you’re reading beautiful?” he probed.

“My horoscope…and if you don’t mind, I’d love to…” I looked up to see him because I was irritated at this point.

…it was my guy…

“Oh really?” he licked his lips, “And what does it say?” he smiled. I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

“It umm…it basically says that I shouldn’t be afraid to try something n-n-new today.” I couldn’t believe that I was stuttering. I was so nervous. I had to keep my cool.

The first period bell rung, I hopped up, threw my newspaper away and proceeded to the door.

“Hold up sweetheart. Let me get your name,” he grabbed my arm. His hold on me was very firm yet gentle enough to respect the fact that I was a female. Thinking back, I should have realized all of the signs.  Before I got the opportunity to answer him, some tall girl appeared out of nowhere.