Confessions of a Christian Girl: Naked and Unashamed

Chapter Eleven: The honeymoon is over

“You can’t have children,” she repeated.

“What do you mean I can’t have children?” I asked her, my voice shaking.

“You’re not ovulating properly. You’re not releasing eggs,” my mother’s voice was shaking as well.

“You can’t be serious!” Justin shouted. He never raised his voice and here he was shouting. He was just as shocked as I was. 

“One out of three couples experience this…it’s not your fault…” I could hear her saying…and suddenly it all went black.

“Nicky!” my mother yelled.

“Baby!” Justin caught me in his arms as I fell.

I don’t really remember much from that day, I just remember waking up and hearing Justin on his side of the bed praying.

“Father God, we need you now more than ever before. I love my wife so much Lord and I just need you to heal her. I ask that you strengthen us Lord. There’s a heavy load that we must bear, but Lord you said that you wouldn’t give us more than we could bare. Lord we will follow you. Let your will be done in our lives Lord. Please just heal my wife. Please let her wake up Lord. In your son Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

He kept his head down for a while and I could have sworn I heard him crying. 

“Baby…” I tried to get out but it was hard. My throat was so dry. He instantly looked up, “baby thank God you’re okay,” he hugged me so tight, “I was so worried about you,” he let the tears flow freely.

“What happened? Why’re you crying?”

“You don’t remember what happened today sweetie?” he asked hesitantly.

“Not really.”

He began to cry more and that’s when it all came flooding back. I remembered. I wasn’t able to have kids. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like someone had hit me with a car. That night, Justin and I held one another. I don’t remember when I fell asleep. I just remember waking up to an empty house. He left me a note on the kitchen table letting me know that he’d be home on his lunch break. For some reason, things didn’t feel the same.

When Justin came home for lunch, he barely looked at me. He kissed me but it was distant. The remaining days that passed seemed uneventful and awkward. We barely made eye contact and we barely spoke. We hadn’t been to church in 4 weeks but this particular Sunday morning, Justin seemed different. He came into the room and woke me up with breakfast. He’d made my favorite, French toast with bacon on the side. 

“Wake up babe,” he shook me a little.

“Hmm…I’m up. What’s going on?” I asked groggily. 

“We’re going to church today. I made you breakfast. I need you to eat,” it was the first time he’s looked at me in weeks. His eyes held no emotion.

“Oh. Okay,” I whispered and put my head down. I ate my food in silence and proceeded to the shower. Justin came into the bathroom as I was getting dressed and subconsciously I covered my body. I didn’t think he’d want to see me anymore. We haven’t made love in 4 weeks, he hasn’t called me beautiful in a while, it seems like we only talk to each other when we have to. The honey moon was truly over and all hell was breaking loose around us.

Justin’s Point of View:

I came into the bathroom and she was dressing. She covered her body. My own wife didn’t want me to see what was supposed to be set aside for me. Things were so messed up. I don’t mean to treat her differently. It’s just so hard being around her and knowing that we’ll never be able to have children. She’s been so down and out lately. All she does is lay in bed. She hasn’t been to work in 4 weeks, she doesn’t cook or clean up anymore. I just want my wife back. This morning, Pastor Copeland called to check on us. He said he wanted to see us in Sunday morning service and afterward he’d like to take us out to dinner. I know we haven’t been to church in a few weeks but there were some things about God’s timing that I wasn’t too thrilled about. I just couldn’t understand, how something so terrible could happen to a good person like Nicole. All she wanted was to be a mother, and now she can’t. How could God take that from her?