No one ever said that love would be easy; but, no one ever said that it'd hurt either. I was never given an instruction manual when I got into a relationship with you, Vic. I never got proper directions on how to love you; because, if I did, then, I wouldn't be where I am now at this very moment. No one told me that if I took more than 1 dose of your verbal abuse then I'd be hooked. I didn't know my self-worth, so I left it up to you to define it for me. According to you, I was a liar, I was sneaky, and I was insecure…and I was too weak for you. No one ever told me that if a man truly loved a woman then he wouldn't tear her down. I didn't know how a man was supposed to love me; so, I left it up to you to show me. I took almost 24 doses in almost 2 years and the side effects of you were hurt, self-doubt, and tear stained pillows at least twice a week.
I thought crying and being emotional was for the weak...according to you, I had to be strong. Having too many feelings and emotions were sure signs of weakness according to you, and you needed a strong woman on your team... So what did I do? I began to change for you. I continued to take more doses of you. I was addicted. I was so dependent on you that I was afraid to leave and afraid of you leaving me. No one ever told me that love would be easy...but no one ever told me it'd hurt this much either. No one warned me that the side effects of a broken man was possessiveness, insecurity, and self-doubt. Blinded by the fact that I finally had someone to love me, I pushed the side effects away to the back of my mind and I began to take more doses of you. I thought all men showed love this way ... after all you were here while my own biological father didn't even bother to stay.
I was never given directions on how I was supposed to love you but that could've been because I wasn't given any on how to love me either. I couldn't properly love and appreciate you because I didn't know how to love and appreciate myself ... No one told me... No one warned me... No one informed me ... Or maybe they did but I was too high on you to even bother reading the directions. My head was so stuck in the clouds when someone tried to put the instruction manual in my hand. I didn't hold on tight enough so it slipped out...nowhere to be found…so I found you....my usual fix. My familiarity. My dose. You treated me the same and with you I felt it all. Pleasure, pain, satisfaction, loneliness, comfort, self-doubt, lust, destruction, insecurity, love? I think...
You came with a lot of side effects that I hadn't even known about until someone placed the instruction manual in my heart. I began to feel. I began to understand. I learned how to love myself. I stopped doubting myself. I took pride in the way I carried myself. God did a new work in me...and what have you done for me? You what? You loved me? I thought you did, until I read the fine print on your bottle. It said: "WARNING: DOESN’T BELIEVE IN GOD, UNEQUALLY YOKED, RUDE, ARROGANT, DISRESPECTFUL, ULTIMATELY LEADS TO A BROKEN HEART" because of you, I had to go to spiritual rehabilitation, I learned to love myself without the bondage of conditions.
Love is not supposed to hurt, but you chose to hurt me...me not properly loving myself and trying to love you, hurt you as well. ...but thank God for conviction, repentance, and change. I've traded in my heart-ache, and I'd like true love in exchange ...and please don't forget the instruction manual and directions as well...
Choosing to leave Vic was the easiest decision I had ever made. I no longer knew him. I no longer liked him. However, choosing to keep my mind from wondering to him seemed to be impossible. Although I didn’t want to be with him, my mind would often wonder what he was doing or if he was thinking of me…I even wondered if he missed me. Although it had been months since we broke up, he still invaded my dreams. I would have nightmares of him trying to hurt me. There were countless times where I would wake up in a cold sweat because I had yet another nightmare about him. At least twice a week, I would have a dream about me going through the miscarriage again but in the dreams, he would be laughing while I would be holding a stillborn in my arms.
One night I literally woke up screaming and crying. It was at that moment when I realized that yes, I was over him but I never renounced him in my life. My mother told me that in order for me to fully get over him and to stop having these nightmares then I would have to give myself back to God, ask God for forgiveness, ask God to destroy the soul ties at its roots, and renounce Vic back to God. I didn’t even know if God wanted me back. I felt like I had nothing to give to him because I was too much of a sinner. I felt like I was so far gone for him to want someone like me to be called a Christian. How could I possibly be a Christian after everything that I’ve done? I’ve done things that my family doesn’t know about…so much has happened…I just want to be free again.
I can remember when I was 13 years old and I had just discovered poetry. I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. I would often write about whatever I was feeling and Pastor Copeland used to say that my healing came through the release of my poetry. He would say that my breakthrough is in my praise and my poetry was a form of praise to God…it was a special connection that we shared. When I was younger, God would share so much with me and I would share so much with him, but once I got older and I met Vic, things began to change. It seemed as if God didn’t know that I existed. I could no longer write a poem to save my life! Poetry became a thing of the past; just something that I used to do to pass the time. I had honestly thought that because I no longer used my gift of writing, God took it away from me. Little did I know, satan was sapping my zeal for God right out of my hands and I was allowing him.
It wasn’t until I was away from Vic that I began to realize these things. I spent so much time ignoring God that he had to put me in a situation where I couldn’t rely on anyone but Him to get me out. He was trying to get my attention and I heard him loud and clear. That night as I was trying to sleep, I could hear the words: “What are you willing to give up for God?” it was quiet and peaceful voice…almost like a whisper in my ear. At first I thought I was hearing things, so I listened to music and I tried to go back to sleep. Every time I would close my eyes the words would flash across them and they were so bright. “WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE UP FOR GOD?” was written clear as day before my eyes. I then knew that it was time to get my life right again. God was showing me that He’s here and he’s always been here…you see, the thing about God, he’s a gentleman and he would never force himself on anyone and that’s when I knew what I had to do.
“He Loves Me In Spite of Me”
What are you willing to give up for God? This is a story of change, conviction, discovery, redemption, and salvation. This is a journey about conquering your own spiritual nation; A tale of triumph and perseverance; A tale of conviction and patience.
…God wanted my all…
And I was disobedient…I refused to give him all of me, and because of disobedience and ignorance, I suffered. I felt that I had nothing to give. I was too busy being young, dumb, cute, and fancy to transform the way I lived. I was too busy giving away all of my stuff on a silver platter. It’s like I was willing to plead myself as a sacrifice and whoever I hurt in the process just didn’t matter.
What will you give up for God? There’s a song that says,
“…love me with your whole heart…serve me with your life…bow down…let go of your idols…” (Forever Jones,2010)
God wanted my all…but I felt that I had nothing to give. I was way too busy “discovering” myself to transform the way I lived; yet, he still kept his hand over my life; even when I defied everyone and moved out to play house and pretended to be someone’s wife; he still blessed me with a job that turned into a career; he did all of that for me, even when I ignored the fact that he was here. He protected me. He cared for me. He loved me, even when I didn’t even love myself…even when I gave my all to someone else. Even when I hid miscarriage after miscarriage…even when I hid abortion after abortion pretending that I was God and choosing to take life, all because I couldn’t be that girl with a child without first being the wife.
Despite conviction I depended on an unhealthy relationship to heal my broken heart. I put an unworthy boy in the position of God. We argued every time I wanted to go to church…I couldn’t take it anymore…I didn’t recognize myself as a Christian because I was too busy living behind a façade. I was so gullible like a mindless sheep and the world was my guide. Behind lies I would hide. He kept saying to me that he would make me his wife and that life would be great; with a touch here and a kiss there, lust tried to seal my fate. Satan used the world to lie to me “just to make the conviction in my heart feel less pain…but even pain pills can’t stop the way your heart feels, when you come up for air and you realize you went against God’s will again…” (Omolere, 2010).
What will you give up for God? I knew that God wanted more for my life than what I was giving him and it was like I allowed a thief to come in and steal my things. Spiritually, I was broadcasting a sign in bold red, but I’m putting up my “GOING OUT OF BUSINESS” sign instead because I’m under new management. With a clear heart and mind, I now have discernment. I’m free because God has loved me in spite of me.
There’s something so fulfilling about being able to write down how I feel on paper and release it back to God. After writing I felt good. I felt refreshed and renewed…but there was still something I had to do. I know that I needed to pray. There were times when I was younger and I’d pray for insignificant things but this time, I really needed to go in. I wanted God to know that I meant business…but I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t even know what to say. I went into my drawer and I pulled out my Bible. I was given this Bible when I was 13 years old. My mom wanted to make sure that I knew the word for myself. Pulling out the Bible brought back so many memories. I had a bunch of loose papers inside of my Bible. I came across a sheet of folded paper. The sides were folded at the corners making the paper look like a perfect diamond.
Opening the paper, I found a prayer. It was the salvation prayer. I used to read this prayer almost every night before bed. I can remember me thinking that maybe if I prayed this prayer over my life then things would change. I figured, maybe if God saved me and loved me then my own biological father would come back into my life and love me as well…it never happened tho. I begin to read the prayer and the tears started flowing down my face.
Salvation Prayer
(Pray this prayer out loud if possible)
Heavenly Father, I come to you now in the name of your Son Jesus Christ. I confess that I am a sinner and that I have sinned against you. I ask you to forgive me for all of my sins and I repent for my sins and I choose to follow and obey and accept Your Son Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I believe in my heart that you sent Your Son Jesus Christ to die for my sins on the cross at Calvary. I believe that your son Jesus Christ was born of the Virgin Mary', was crucified, and died on the cross at Calvary for me and the sins of all others. I believe that after 3 days He was raised from the dead' ascended into Heaven' and is alive today. I ask you Jesus Christ to be the Lord of my life and to be my Savior. I receive you now as my Lord and Savior with all of my heart. I believe that Jesus Christ is my King and my God and the Lord of my life. I believe that Jesus Christ is alive in me' and I declare that Jesus Christ is the Lord of my life.
(After you have confessed this prayer out loud you need to confess it out loud to someone that you have received Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.)
Over the next few days, I decided to pray and fast. I had no clue what fasting was really used for, I didn’t even know the purpose of fasting. I honestly thought that fasting was just not eating for a set number of hours and that’s all; but, I was totally wrong. Coming back home, I was given a book called, “Second Chronicles Seven Fourteen: A 28 Day Journey in Prayer” and I began to really read it and meditate on its’ words. It told me exactly what fasting was and how to do it. “Fasting can enable you to focus, intensify your desire for holiness and help you hear the voice of God more clearly. Fasting takes your attention off your everyday earthly needs and helps you focus your attention on more eternal, spiritual needs. At times God may ask you to pray and fast for a specific situation or individual. Or you may want to fast to grow closer in your personal relationship with Christ. Fasting can help you build a lifestyle of discipline (Dick Eastman, 2004).”
I wanted to know more of God. I wanted to know my purpose. What was I here to do? I had to know him more. It was like I craved to know more about him; I craved to hear from him. I just wanted a fresh touch from him every single day. For the next 6 days, I prayed 6 different prayers that changed my life forever.