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I tapped my pen against my notepad and looked up in thought. The end of my freshman year at Creen College was approaching faster than anticipated, and until two hours ago, I still had no idea what career field I was interested in. There were groans, huffs, and near tears, until I finally called my boyfriend asking for advice. He told me to make a list and take things one by one, to try not stress about the whole world in this one moment. Taking his advice, I started researching commonly desired internship skills, and slowly, the rock in my stomach lifted. I had a plan. Because with less than eight hours before I needed to register for my sophomore classes, I didn't have time or money to waste on a class that I didn't think I would benefit from in the long run.
Now I sit here on my bed encircled by my blankets and contemplating what skills I thought might be necessary for a career in publishing or editing. I recently declared an English major, but I hoped to add Creative Writing to the list soon. Sadly, I didn't think I could realistically have a solid income by simply writing books - at least not right away, and it was always good to be prepared.
I looked at the clock and saw that I have officially been on this same business for the past three hours. With a sigh of relief at my progress, I jotted down my final decision on my next classes and carefully dropped my notebook and papers to the floor. I put my pen down and laid back against my cool pillows. I pulled the blankets to my chest and propped my laptop against my knees.
I opened up my messenger with my boyfriend and quietly began to type.
Hey Jeremy are you still awake?? I register tomorrow at 7, wanna get breakfast after? (:
The message sent with its familiar "swoosh" and I closed my eyes, waiting for a response.
"Are you done?" asked my roommate Nicole from across the room. I looked around my knees at her and nodded my head.
"Yeah, sorry that took me so long." I laid back down. "Trying to figure out your whole life at 1AM is a bit stressful."
She laughed. "It's totally fine. That was me last night." I heard the click of the light switch, and darkness blanketed the room.
"The perks of procrastination," I said into the dark room, watching the lingering glow of light dissipate.
"Exactly," she responded, her voice quiet. I felt the pull of sleep start to fill my body, and after one last check on my empty messenger, I turned off my laptop. When the hum of the motor finally quit, I shut the screen and set it carefully down on my dresser next to my bed.
I rolled over on my side with my blankets pulled up to my neck and thought about home. I thought about the nights I would sleep in my parents' room and wake up the next morning to the soft glow of the sun soaking the room in its rays. I thought about my parents and how I was ready to go home after weeks of not seeing them.
I also thought about Jeremy, the sweet boy with the golden brown hair and a kind smile. I heard his goofy laugh in my head and saw his crooked smile. A small grin fell upon my lips.
I found unconditional love in him. My smile turned with a slow ache. I finally found unconditional love, but where was the soaring urgency in my soul to be with him also? A deep guilt settled in my chest because I knew I loved him, but I also knew it was hard to love him.
After my previous boyfriend, Nate, who I loved so much I hurt for him and I hurt because of him. Nate who I cried for when he moved away and cried because of. There was no single-sided, unconditional love, and yet I let myself get swooped away. I couldn't see how damaging he was until he was gone, taking the blind spot in my heart with him. He "borrowed"my money, but it wasn't till after we broke up that I realized it was for drugs. He repeatedly joked with me that we were over, and I didn't see the cruelness in his soul till he had finally left.
I especially remember when I told him I had difficultly being happy. He was the first person I had ever confided in about the state of my soul, and he scoffed in my face. "Yeah, like you have such a horrible life," he said, walking away and leaving me there in shock. I felt my whole core snap, yet I put on a stony face and soon followed behind him. I never brought it up again.
Jeremy knows how quickly I plummeted after my break up with Nate. Jeremy knows about how I faked my entire self-representation for the next year and a half. He knows because that's how I theorize my lack of emotions now. "I felt like I was suffocating under every conversation and like another rock attached itself to me with each forced smile, pulling me farther down," I explained. "And I ignored my thoughts for so long, telling myself that Nate was right and I didn't have it bad enough to deserve to be sad... I lost a part of myself then. I can be happy, but I am never fully happy, and never fully in love, and never fully motivated, excited, or me."
Still, I try.
~~~
I woke in shock the next morning at the sound of my alarm. I rolled over and perched myself up on my elbow, a groggy look floating over my eyes. I plucked my phone off of my dresser and turned off the alarm.
The silence was relieving.
I grabbed my computer next and logged into the school's website. I double-checked the seat availability left in my classes, and a happy flutter happened within me. So far, so good. It appeared I would in fact be taking the classes I chose, after my intense deliberation.
After I submitted my schedule, I rolled out of bed with an extra pep to my step. Stretching my arms in the air with big yawn, I gazed peacefully at the window blinds, which were glowing from the arising sunshine.
I sent a quick text to Jeremy and asked if he wanted to go to the local cafe, Lilacs, with me. If you're even awake, I added.
I strolled through my morning routine: brushed my teeth, washed my face, and decided today was a spring colors kind of day for clothes.
Throwing on a light jacket, I snatched my keys and phone off of my dresser and quietly left the room so not to wake my roommate.
I was down the stairwell and outside within a minute. The air smelt sweet and the birds sang in their morning glory. What a world, I thought.
After a five minute walk, I reached Lilacs, finding Jeremy waiting on a bench outside.
"Hey! I didn't think you were gonna make it!" I cheered and hugged him quickly.
"I saw your message late," he responded, smiling down at me. He opened the door, which greeted us with a chime, and we took a seat at a table near the window.
A deli and soup line was lined up at the front of the cafe, behind which stood a few employees in their matching maroon shirts and black aprons. The smell of coffee marked the significant characteristic of the cafe, along with the round brown tables and fresh flowers in the center of each.
"So what classes did you end up deciding on?" Jeremy asked, pulling my attention away from my menu.
"Well, first of all, I actually got into the creative writing class I wanted, which I'm so happy about!" I replied, a happy grin on my face.
"Really? That's awesome! Good job!" He grabbed my hand.
"I know! Sophomores rarely get into writing classes before their last term because they fill up so fast. I'm just so relieved because I didn't have any back-up classes planned," I said with a light laugh.
"Well, I'm happy for you. I told you making a list would work," he said, nudging my arm with a teasing grin.
I laughed and looked back at my menu, seeing a waiter approaching our table.
"What are you getting?" I hurriedly asked.
"I don't know! I haven't even looked yet," he whispered back, chuckling as we both frantically searched for an order.
"Hey there, my name is Spencer. What can I get you both this fine morning?" A young man with short, dark brown hair asked, smiling kindly.
I looked up at Jeremy and then at the waiter, with a long "um" filling the silence.
"How about... a ham and cheese omelet," I suggested with a satisfied nod.
"Okay, and you?" He looked at Jeremy, his hand hovering over his notepad.
Jeremy looked up at me for a brief few seconds and then the waiter. "Same," he said, but it sounded like a question. I giggled under my breath, and the waiter nodded his head with a kind grin.
"Alrighty, I will be back soon with your orders." He walked away, and I turned my eyes back to Jeremy.
"Why are we such children?" I laughed.
"Are we even old enough to order food on our own yet?" He replied in a similar joking manner.
"I'm saving up to get my own apartment," he suddenly said, glowing with excitement.
"Really? That's so cool! Have you looked into any around you yet?"
He took off into a hurried and enthusiastic tale about his plans, pausing briefly when our food was brought to the table and picking up right where he left off. He had a plan set up for income and school, and was hoping I would be done with the school year by the time he moved so I could help him settle in.
Over his right shoulder the movement of people outside the cafe caught my eye, but I ignored the distraction.
It wasn't till the cheerful chime played through the cafe that I briefly glanced up at the door. I was struck with a flip in my stomach. Like the rays of a sunrise swinging over the horizon to dance on my face, the most beautiful girl walked into the cafe.
Jeremy's voice droned in the background of my thoughts, and I couldn't tear my eyes away. My mind was mute except for one thought: she was utterly stunning. She wore a white lace dress and gold sandals. Her hair was pulled over her shoulder in a loose braid, containing her dirty blonde hair - more blonde intermixed with small streaks of brown.
It was but a few seconds; but I was speechless.
"Aren't you excited, Lisa?" Jeremy's voice broke through, and I looked back at his face.
"Yeah! I'm super excited!" I answered quickly. "Hey, I'll be right back," I excused myself, bounding straight for the bathroom.
I walked into the brightly lit restroom and stood in front of the sink. I stared at my reflection and saw only a look of total confusion. I ran my hands down my face and shook my head slightly.
"What just happened?" I whispered to myself, hoping for a reply.
I didn't think I would ever really get one.
----
If anyone would like to make a cover for this short story, I would be greatly appreciative. Cheers lovelies. 😊🌼
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