After Zayn drives off, it starts to become real. The realization that maybe we aren't meant to be, that maybe this is goodbye. I can't fathom that him and I could ever be apart. It would be the greatest punishment given from God. To not have the one thing you love and want the most in this world. Or to have it temporarily. I can't think of a worse fate.
Then it's back to the normal routine. Work and more work. Monday is not a good day at all. Work can only distract you for so long. My heart feels as though it's being torn apart every second I don't talk to Zayn. I'm restless and anxious for him to make up his mind. On the other hand, I dread it. What if he decides that this is not what he wants and that we're done for good?
Tuesday is just plain torture. I still don't hear anything from Zayn and I'm getting worried. What if he doesn't know how to tell me that we're done. Well, technically we are "done" now but what if it's final. There'll be no more us and that scares the living shit out of me. I tell this to Cate as we sit on the barstool in the kitchen.
"Whatever's supposed to happen, will. If it doesn't, then you know it wasn't supposed to. Everything has a way of working out."
"I know I'm the one who broke it off. I can't help but wonder if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of life..."
"There's no way of knowing right now."
"It's just hard imagining what my life without him would be like. If it feels like what it felt like for those two weeks, then I..." I shake my head the thought. Too hard to even picture.
"You really love him, don't you?" I nod in agreement as a tear rolls down my cheek. "Oh honey..." Cate gives me a sympathetic look. I wipe the tears as they increase in speed and numbers.
"I've fallen in love with him, with everything about him. the good and the things that sometimes irritate me, but I secretly love it, like when he's being a caveman." I can't help but laugh a little at his antics. "He's everything Cate."
"You know I've had my doubts when it came to Zayn and your relationship. I've always thought you're too good for him. maybe I still do because heaven knows that man has played with your heart a few times." I try to interrupt but she hushes me quickly. "but he makes you happy."
"He does."
"Not a lot of people find that and most spend their whole lives searching for something you found already. Grab onto that. This only happens once in a lifetime. Don't throw it away for things that don't even matter." She stands up and she gives me a smile. She walks to her room and I'm left to my own thoughts.
She's right though. everything with Zayn felt right, even when it didn't. He felt like home. It felt like that's where I belonged. Anywhere else would feel wrong and forced. He's everything I want. Everything I need. I've been spending all this time looking at what's wrong and where the problems lie, that I overlooked all the good things. I was so caught up that I overlooked the important stuff. Sure, we have a lot problems that still need to be worked on. From trust issues to insecurities to whatever else is wrong with us. but it wouldn't be a real relationship if there were no problems or fights. Where's the fun in that?
I contemplate calling him a few times but I abandon that thought. I want him to think about it and make up his mind because I'm done playing games. I'm done waiting on him to finally feel the same. I know that we don't all fall in love at once, we don't always feel the same, at exactly the same moment but I, at least want him to feel something. It's okay if he doesn't love me. you can't force yourself to feel something, but I want him to decide whether this relationship is heading somewhere or not. If it is, then I'll wait for him and if it's not then we're done.
I can't even lie to myself anymore. I'm in love with him. I'm in love with Zayn. There's no going back now. I can't change how I feel and I'm not sure I want to. If this happens to be goodbye, then at least I've loved. Doesn't matter how short it was, doesn't matter if it was unrequited. All that matters is that, for the first time in a long time, someone made me feel again. someone made me fall in love.
This relationship felt like a rollercoaster. When it was good, it was too good but when it was bad, it felt ten times worse. Sitting here now, I can honestly say that it's not something that I would want to change. The good and the bad, are what made us, us. a smile makes its way on my face as I think about our moments. Holding him, kissing him, falling asleep next to him, waking up next to him, laughing with him, staring at him, dates, fights, games. All those things are things I know I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss how he made me feel, like I was the most beautiful woman he's ever met. How cherished I felt.
Sure, we were a bit of a messed-up pair. We were always stuck between what we want and what we think others would want from us. We focused too much on what the world thought and what everyone was thinking. We worried too much whether people would approve. Worried that our differences would get in the way but through it all we forgot to focus on what made us the same. Why this was so right. All those little fits I had, seem so insignificant now. What does it matter that we crossed some imaginary "Race line", why should it matter what we look like, where we come from or what religion we are? We are all human. Created by one God. Even if you don't believe in a God, we all had to come from the same place, somewhere right?
We are all human, regardless of everything else. Who am I or anyone else to say that we're not supposed to date someone because the complexion of our skin pigments differs? It shouldn't have to be such a big deal. It's actually a beautiful thing. To watch two people come together when there are so many odds against them. It proves that love does exist. I may have been anti-love in a few months ago but when you've been through so much with someone and you still want that person in your life because you know that the two of you are strong enough to withstand everything and everyone, what else can it be? When you would give everything up for that one person, you know you love them.
Looking back now on the fights we had, I feel so stupid. We've wasted so much time. Who cares what his parents think? Who cares what Cate thinks? Who cares what the world thinks? If two people want to be together, they should have the freedom to do so without fear of judgement from the rest of the world. Leave people the damn alone and focus on your own lives.
I feel sorry for people who still hold on to the past and people who deprive themselves from true happiness. Let it go. it happened, be the better man, forgive, move on, let it make you a better person but most importantly, be happy. Find what makes you happy and go get it. Stop worrying. Stop fussing because most of the times when we think that It's the end of the world, it's probably just a little earthquake passing by. Nothing that should define the way we live our lives. Do what makes you happy. That's all that counts.
What makes me happy?
Truly happy?
The answer is simple. Zayn. Being with Zayn. Calling him mine and being his. Before Zayn I wouldn't have thought it possible to love someone so quickly and so much. So, so much. You always hear about people getting married after one month or a few weeks of meeting one another and you think, what the hell are you thinking? You hardly know each other. But I get it now. Your heart never lies. When everything in you screams that, this is the right thing to do, that this person is it for you, it can't be otherwise. It's a sign that things don't get better than this. it doesn't happen a lot where you meet the person who's meant for you so quickly. When you do, you take that chance. You choose happiness. you choose love.
Because when you're old and gray, people's opinions and expectations won't matter. All that's going to matter is the person sitting next to you on that porch drinking tea as you watch the grandkids play with the dogs. I know I'm getting ahead of myself but you should get the message. It all depends on what you do now, what you choose now.
I need to get over myself and be honest with the both of us. I can't expect honesty if I don't give it back? I pace around in the kitchen. Debating with myself on what I should do next. What if I go there and I make a fool out of myself? What if he doesn't feel the same? Oh, my goodness what if he wants to end it?
But what if he doesn't?
What if he feels the same? What then? Then I'm sitting here...well standing when I could be fixing things. I should go after what I want and he is all I want.
"Cate. I'm going out for a bit." I grab my purse and I put on my shoes.
"Tell Zayn I said hi." Cate shouts back as I run out the door. I smile as I jog to the elevator.
Every second feels like an hour, as I wait for the doors to open. When they finally do, I run inside and it feels like another few hours to get to the lobby. Then getting a taxi is another hassle. I almost feel like walking to his place. I finally get a cab and I tell him where Zayn's place is. What is happening to me?
The taxi ride feels like an eternity. It like this guy is driving slow on purpose. I just want to whack him and tell him to go faster. I tap my fingers on my knees as I anxiously wait for his building to appear. I make eye contact with the diver and he smiles. I smile back politely but I'm cussing him out mentally. He finally gets to Zayn's place and I almost fall as I jump out of the car. I head straight to the elevator and I pray that he hasn't changed his code.
The girl at the front desk gives me the stink eye and I smile sweetly at her. Get used to it babe. Oh goodness, not an elevator again. I roll my eyes as I enter the elevator. I pace and I start to get nervous. What am I going to say when I see him? I fix my hair. I probably look like someone just ran over me. the doors open and I'm finally at his place. Just as I'm about to knock, the door swings open and an out of breath Zayn appears behind the door. He's flushes and it looks like he's on his way out.
We stare at each other for a second and we blink.
"Sorry. Did I catch you at a bad time?"
"No, I was just on my way to see you."
This is it.