I have never been so happy to go back to work. Once I start with work, I realize how much I missed it. It's a bit tricky falling back into my normal routine with old and new clients but I enjoy it. Most of all, I enjoy the distraction. I throw myself into my work every single day. I don't think I have ever done this much research since I started working here. That's all I've been doing really. Work. Eat. Sleep. That's been my coping mechanism. But it only works for so long before I start noticing all the missing things.
You would never have guessed that from the few months that we were together, that this breakup would have such a big impact on me. I find myself waking up every morning and checking my phone for the usual good morning texts he used to send, or before sleeping waiting for that goodnight text, obviously finding nothing. I think it's really starting to settle in. What makes it worse is what one of the magazines had to say about it.
I was at home on Thursday afternoon when Cate came home and she had a magazine in her hand. Usually it's not something I really care about it, but when she tried to hide it from me, did I start caring. Though I don't think she was hiding it, I think she was just skeptical in showing me. so after telling her that I could handle whatever it was, she finally showed me.
On the one side of the page was a picture of Mark picking me up at the airport when I came back. One where we were hugging. One where he slapped my ass and one where I kissed his cheek. I admit we might probably look like a couple and that's exactly what the magazine said. On the other side was a picture of Zayn at both dinners with Connie or whatever her name was. Basically, it said that Zayn and I had broken up and that I went away to heal my 'broken heart' and that in that time we both moved on. They claimed that I was just a passing fling to him and to be honest, I believe them. They also said, in not so many words, that everybody saw this coming and it was n matter of time before he moved on to something better.
I guess I was the only one.
Then came Friday. My first weekend without him. I miss him like crazy. It starts with the small things. Actually no, it's totally random sometimes. I could just look at something and then think about him. I could smell something and it would remind me of him. I start missing the texts, the calls then the conversations, hugs and kisses. Next it's the dates we've had, then the sleepovers. Then his voice, his scent. Running my hair through his hair. His tattoos. His smirk. his smile. His laugh. his warmth. Him.
That leads to me sitting here in my room with my finger hovering over the call button. His name haunting me, telling me to click on it. I can't though. I miss him but I don't want to be weak anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to forget about this pain, and if that means forgetting about Zayn then that's what I'll do. I close my eyes for a few seconds and my decision is made. I will not wallow in self-pity anymore. Maybe it's time I move on. We haven't talked this whole week and that should've been my first clue. Maybe I'm holding on to something that's not even there.
I lock my phone and I watch television. Greys is playing but I'm a little distracted. I switch the TV off and I stare at the ceiling. I decide that tonight is my last night of heartache. After this I'm going to move on, as hard as it may be. I won't look back anymore. He was a part of my life for a while and now he's out it. Simple as that. But it's never that simple, is it? I walk over to my closet and I take out one of his black shirts. He left two and one of his hoodies. I'll have to give it back sometime but for now, I take all my clothes off and I slip his shirt on. It smells like him. I stand there for a second then I go to sleep. Ready to leave it all behind me when I wake up.
Except that one night turned to the two, then three. I've been sleeping in Zayn's shirt for the whole weekend and in some messed up way, it was giving me comfort. How could he not miss me? how could he be so quiet for a whole damn week? I doubt he's sleeping in one of my shirts right now. I can't help but laugh at the image of Zayn trying to fit into one of my shirts.
By the second week, I'm better. Not over him but I don't feel gloomy 24/7. Cate says I smiled more and I'm starting to eat normally, which I guess is a good thing. Obviously, I still miss him but he's a fading topic now. I try not to think or talk about him anymore. His name has gone from Mr. Hunk, to Zayn, then to him. Me and Cate only call him, him. well that being only a few times since I cut every conversation short that has anything to do with him. I'm far from getting over him but I'm slowly learning how to get there.
Work has been...work. I've quickly gotten used to my routine again. Wake up, shower, go to work, come back and spend a little time with Cate in front of the TV, before going to sleep. It's rather dull for someone my age to be living with such a routine. I should be having the time of my life. As if the universe felt sorry for me this time around. Monday morning, I get an invitation to a charity event. This Saturday. Well, there goes a little excitement. I ask Cate to be my plus one and obviously, she agrees. For the first time in what feels like forever, do I feel excited about something. This will be the start of living again.
The week leading to the event feels long. I have a good feeling about this. Maybe it will be fun and besides, we get to go dress shopping which I guess is half of the half. On Thursday, Cate and I go shopping. Besides my feet hurting and me being over exhausted from walking into every possible store and dying of hunger, we finally find our dresses and shoes. On Friday, we go do our hair and nails.
It's now Saturday afternoon and I'm excited. I'm standing in front of the mirror looking at myself. I'm wearing a long red dress, it has a slit on the right leg and has a low neckline, splitting till my stomach. It shows a good amount of cleavage but I don't care, I looks good and I like it. It makes me feel pretty. Cate enters and she's wearing a skintight grey dress. I smile as she twirls around for me.
"Wow look at you." I tell her.
"Thanks but look at you. You'll be driving every man crazy tonight." She wiggles her eyebrows.
"No thank you. I think I'll stay away from men for a while." I say she gives me a smile but I can see It's a sad smile. I roll my eyes and I take my clutch. "It's time to go. Are you ready?"
"Yeah." She says and we finally hit the road. After a 30-minute drive we get to the hotel and after showing my invitation we get shown to the beautiful room filled with a few decorated tables and what looks like a floor for dancing. There's a band on the small stage playing soft music and there are already a few people here. Everyone is dressed beautifully and elegant and everything just looks amazing and cozy.
Then I felt it.
Have you ever started stressing or feeling uneasy for no reason at all? well that's I'm feeling right now. I try to ignore the feeling as the lady shows us our table, where the rest of the people are already seated. We thank her and Cate and I take our eats next to one another. The feeling persists as the proceedings begin and once I decide to look around, do I understand why.
My eyes land on the table on my left side and I swear I could feel my heart sink. Because that's when I see him. Zayn is sitting at a table with who looks like Suzie. There's another table between us and my table is more at the back but I can still see him clearly. He looks as handsome as ever. His hair is longer now and he has his beard overgrown but it looks so sexy. Suzie whispers something to him and he laughs. I can't help but think about how beautiful he looks at that moment. I can almost imagine what he must sound like. I miss his laugh.
Like he could feel me staring at him, he turns around and in that moment, we lock eyes. He gives me a small smile. I know it's supposed to be a kind gesture but my emotions decide to act up at that moment. My heart beats faster and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I've been trying to move on and forget about him and I started believing that maybe I could get over him. Right now though, , I know I have been lying to myself. Everything I've ever felt for this man comes crashing and I realize that I'm far from being over him.
I can't do this.
"Are you okay?" Cate asks and only then do I realize I'm standing up. I tell her that I have to use the bathroom and I quickly run out. I don't know where I'm going but I know I must get away from him. I get to some sort of passage and someone grabs my arm. I turn around and I see Zayn looking back at me. I try to free my hand but he holds me tighter. He looks concerned and I want to roll my eyes at him.
"Are you okay?" he asks. His voice is as deep as ever and he smells like home. He looks perfect and it pisses me off. He's clever enough to know that I'm not okay and he's the reason why. We broke up on somewhat good terms but now I'm just mad at myself because I still want him in my life and it looks like he couldn't care less.
"Just let me go."
'No. Why are you being like this? I'm worried about you."
"Sure you are."
"I'm serious Mel. I still care about you."
"Thanks for the concern but I'm fine."
"Did I do something?" I can't help but laugh.
"No you did nothing." And that's the problem.
"So are we going to become strangers because we broke up?"
"I don't know Zayn. You didn't seem to want to talk for the last two weeks."
"You're the one who broke up with me." he looks at me with disbelief. He pulls me into a door, which I hadn't even noticed. He closes the door and vaguely I see we're in a library with a few couches. But my attention is on Zayn again pretty quick. "Was I supposed to text you every day and beg you to come back to me?"
"No but maybe not make me feel as forgettable and easily replaceable as you made me feel."
"You want me to call you every day in tears? Announce to the world that some girl broke up with me? What do you want me to do, because it seems a though I could never do anything right when it comes to this relationship?"
"No you seemed pretty happy without me and I won't blame you for that. You were laughing and having the time of your life with your date but I suppose I can't blame you."
"Melony, Suzie is gay." I feel my eyes widening.
"What?" it's not something I ever considered. He doesn't repeat it though.
"What do you want Melony. Do you want me to show you how miserable you made me? should I have to look like someone who got dumped for something he doesn't understand? Because that's how it is. You hurt me and I'm sorry it's not clear enough for you."
"I don't want you to be miserable. You know why I broke it off Zayn. We would've gotten hurt sooner or later."
"Bullshit! You just wanted the easy way out and I won't force you into a relationship you clearly don't want to be in."
"Me? you're the one who couldn't man up and actually stand up for our relationship."
"I didn't feel the need to because as far as I knew, it was only the both of us in this relationship. Nobody else. I liked you the way you were. It didn't matter to me that we were different in any way or that people think that we are crossing some imaginary lines."
"Well it's no use talking about it because it's over and I guess we're both moving on." I shrug but then my mouth runs. "Actually no. It feels as though you couldn't care less about our breakup. You didn't even try. I was so worried that I made the biggest mistake ever and I hoped you'd tell me that I did but your silence proved to me that I always cared more. I told you that I fell for you but you just didn't care-" he's now standing in front of me and he's wiping away my tears. I hadn't even realized that I started crying. I hit his chest but he doesn't move and he pulls me into his arms with my face buried in his chest.
"Come on baby please don't cry."
"I can't do this with you anymore. You know how I feel but I'm not going to continue playing the guessing game when it comes to you." I say between sobs and he pulls my face back so that we're looking at each other. "I just-"
I try to talk but he cuts me off by placing his lips on mine.