In my eyes you were always the most beautiful piece of art I got to touch, since the first day I laid my eyes on you on that art show I knew that this masterpiece was going to ruin my life, but not in a bad way, far from that baby. Some people wander around the planet till their last breath, searching for something that would awaken their soul, pumped their heart, make them feel alive for the very first time and to be able to say that I had that warms every corner of my heart.
Sometimes, on the bad days that we both hate so desperately when I forget how your lips taste or how good it feels when you giggle between kisses, sometimes it still hurts me to know that you have to wake up on those bad days and carry on with your day like nothing happened, while I am being distant.
I can still remember it as it was yesterday when you were having the worst day ever and on top of it I couldn't remember us, you told me that it was alright, you were acting strong but late at night when I woke up from my dreams I have seen it all, I have seen you cry beneath the hot water in our shower, I hid behind the wall, I saw you how you took a step into our wardrobe in the wall, you couldn't reach my sleeping t-shirt that you needed to hold, it fell down on you along with some other stuff we kept at the highest shelf and you fell with it, your back hit the wall behind you and you slid down to cry yourself to sleep on the floor. I should have walked inside that night and told you to stop your crying because I was there, but as I came to my senses that sounded like the biggest lie I could ever tell. I wasn't there when you needed me that day and I knew there would be days when I wouldn't be, so I stood there frozen waiting for you to fall asleep.
Once you did, I picked you up bridal style and carried you to our bed, I cried all night for not being what you wanted me to be, for not feeling good enough even though you told me otherwise every single day. The days went by, weeks, months and now it's been over four years, we were still together strong but not prepared for what was coming our way.
It was a dark monday morning when we got the news, your mom had an accident and she was slowly slipping away. You stayed by her side every night for over a month, hoping that something would bring her back to life. The house was empty without your laughter in the morning, the sun was always blinded by the clouds, even Noah was feeling homesick in our own home it was time to fix it.
We brought Ollie and Noah adored him, playing with that dog was always fun, but he was different from the others and we knew the happiness wouldn't last long. I remember you that morning, you finally came back from that place, you looked like an angel with broken wings and I just wanted you to stay. So you did. But not with us, you started working extra hours, you were coming home every other day, sometimes you smelled like alcohol and regrets, but I didn't had the heart to step ahead and ask.
I bought piano to play it to our kid, when your desperate screams in the morning wouldn't let him sleep. I knew you were lost, I was trying to find you, but you just wouldn't budge so one day I went to see your mother to check if everything was still "okay" as you used to say. They told me that your mother was healthier than ever, they sent her home a few weeks ago, yet you were still coming home early in the mornings telling me that you were there.
I waited patiently that night, you came back wasted and I knew that what was coming was a hurricane, but I needed you to feel something, I needed you to talk, so when our eyes met and I saw the guilt inside those brown eyes that used to bring me comfort I knew I couldn't stay.
Y/n wipes her tears away slowly, turning a page mumbling, "I am so sorry baby."
You have a year, doctor said to me on my last visit, I have a year I sobbed out quietly, I wanted you there to give me some sort of comfort; but you were stuck only god knows where. I have decided that I needed a change, you were the one pulling me down so I started drowning and that had to change. I took our son and it still breaks me, how you didn't even call to ask how he has been, I don't care about me, but him, you should have asked about him babe.
I flew out to California to show our baby the beach he wanted to see, we traveled from Italy to Barcelona, basically everywhere you once told me you would take me. We took some pictures and they are inside the box beneath our old bed, just waiting for you to wipe that dust off and bring them out of that dark place.
I talked to your mom and she apologized, for what I still don't know, maybe for the fact that she took you away from us, and deep down inside I knew it, I knew it that I blamed her too. She called one day begging me to give you a chance, I was weaker every morning yet I agreed to see your face. I thought that was going to be it and that afterwards we will go our own way, we haven't been together for months and when I saw your tiny body something broke inside me. You looked like the life was sucked out of you, you smelled like beer and cigarettes, you pulled one out and lit it up, your hands shaking nervously as I sat behind that counter in the bar.
Hello, was all it took for us to break and when I held you closely while you cried that night you told me everything that was making you so bad. I forgave every moment that we lost, I forgave every kiss that you didn't gave, every look that hurt me in some way, every attention I didn't have, I forgave because I knew that in four months there won't be a chance to fix what has been done between me and you.
You told me you were scared of losing me and I smiled at you shaking my head, you weren't ready to hear it yet, so I held it in. Dinah was a mess when she found out accidentally, I made her promise that she will take care of you after I leave. Noah, Noah is a special boy, he loves you more than you can imagine and he forgave you for it all.
He was mad, he told us that he hated you and that I should do the same, but I always found and excuse for you so maybe now is the time you step forward and reach out for your son that is probably in the process of learning to be strong.
If I know my mom she is probably packing my stuff in boxes with a smile on her face, she is trying to stay strong and that's part of the process but when you see her, hug her and tell her that I'll always be with her even if she can't see me. Give her a note will you? I left it in the box, tell my dad the story of how we were and how we met. Leave this year out of it for your own sake baby, I know we had it all before, we turned the wrong way at scarecrow but I promise that one day you'll be okay.
Don't blame yourself and think back on the days, live your life as I would want you to if I was still there. I have a theory that when I die, I will become your guardian angel because baby lately you are running out of your mind. Enough about this year of regrets and broken hearts baby, let's travel down the memory lane, do you remember how good it felt when we woke up next to eachother the day after our wedding day.
You made me breakfast in bed and I was the luckiest person alive. I ...
Y/n throws the letter on the floor and runs to the living room, "why did you wrote that!" She screams at Lauren loudly, "you just broke my heart. I can't. Why?"
"Y/n, how could I possibly know that I will survive it? I wanted to burn it all but you told me to show it to you, you wanted to read it." Lauren mumbles swaying the little baby inside her arms while walking towards her wife, looking past her shoulder to check on one tiny lil creature sleeping in the crib.
"Just, I can't," y/n sobs out loudly reaching for an envelope that is still laying at the bottom of the box covered by pictures, she pulls it out sighing heavily as she sees her name on top of it.
With a heavy heart she opens up a letter Lauren once wrote:
Love,
If you are reading this it probably means that I am gone, it means that my time on this ball that we call earth has ran out. The sand clock lost it's purpose, the time itself lost its purpose for me, I'm floating around with all of the souls that already had to say goodbye to this world. It took me weeks to start writing this words, every time I started with this letter I imagined your face and I couldn't do it. Until someone told me that time is not on my side anymore, so knowing that the person might be right I have decided that it was time to put my thoughts into the words I will leave behind for you to read.
They should give comfort to her, he said, they should make her want to carry on with her life, let her know how much you love her and oh dear lord how true that is, how much I really do love you, how much the thought of losing myself and losing you scares me. You look so happy, so young since we are back together. You, Ollie and Noah are my rocks, I don't have the heart to tell you that we might not have the forever we were dreaming about.
Baby, listen, knowing that I am fading away slowly, knowing that once I will only be a memory in your mind doesn't hurt anymore, at least not as much as it did in the beginning of our journey. I failed you, I promised you once we will get through this, I promised you that I will fight till my last breath, but I was and I still am, fighting all the time. No matter what happens love, all you have to do is keep the good memories we shared together and throw away the bad ones that hurt us somehow.
You told me once that I have to be carefull with my heart and who I give it to, we were just at the beginning of our path together and everything you said sounded like a warning. You were my drug and I couldn't get high enough of you, I always wanted more and once you gave in and you suddenly started calling me yours I knew we could only go up from there. How wrong was I? We were on a rollercoaster but I loved every part of it.
If you thought this was going to be some letter that was bound to make you cry for a few days you fooled yourself, enough of pain, enough of crying, you are not allowed to cry over me. Not now, not ever, smile because once upon a time I meant everything to you and you will always mean everything to me.
I am the piece. Just like you are one, just like every single person on this planet is or was once, if you ask me, the footprints they left behind still linger in their closed ones minds. We all deserve happiness, we all deserve to be told how beautiful we are, how sometimes the stars only shine for our own hearts. The path we walk on is full of obstacles, yet we need to crush them all, I know it gets hard, but baby, even if I somehow don't make it out alive I hope my footprints will forever be there to show you the way to the stars. Be happy will you? And if you might feel sad, look up at the sky I am going to be the star that will shine just bright enough to catch your eye.
With love,
Wifey xX
"Mom can I take Lori and Sarah out to play ball with me?" Noah screams loudly running towards Lauren that is in the process of shushing him down before he wakes our little baby.
"No Noah, they are asleep right now. Why don't you play some video games?"
"They are bad for my eyes." Noah answers immediately leaning into the crib to give Lori a kiss on her forehead before storming towards Sarah to caress her head gently before kissing her as well.
"I swear he is yours, like, yours in the worst way possible. He knows where to push my buttons, when and why." Lauren threw out once as we finally managed to get him to sleep so we could focus on Lori and Sarah.
"Hopefully this two are just like their mommy is." I chuckled at my wife agreeing on that one immediately, we both love Noah with all of our hearts, but he can be a pain in the back area if he wants to.
"Who told you that?"
"The TV himself." I chuckle at my son as his sarcastic words hit my wife, Lauren never liked my sarcastic answers and now she gets the double dose everytime Noah is in the same room as we are.
"I will just call Kev and we are going to ride our bikes or we are going to play soccer on the sand, mom you in?" He looks at me and Lauren arches her eyebrows at me.
"I only played with them once." I answer defending myself for no good reason.
"Tell me Noah, yesterday when Lori pooped herself did you and mom went to play some soccer or did you two finished the science project for Mr. Garlice?" Noah turns my way too quickly already blowing up our secret, Lauren glares his way making him stumble out through the balcony door. She walks towards the kitchen with Lori inside her hands, just as I am about to say something stupid she frees her words, "don't even think I am done with you. You lying ass. And you are supporting his lying technic, jesus christ he is going to be such good liar someday we won't know shit. All because of you!" Lauren squeaks making Lori move inside her arms.
"Next time she sends the packet our way you are the one cleaning it, all of them from now on, welcome to the shitting world." Lauren adds trying to cover up a little smile but I catch it as I walk behind her and hug my wife and daughter sweetly while pressing soft kisses on the back of my wife's neck.
"Are you almost done with that?" She eyes up the letter in my hands.
"Not really, should I be?"
"No. Take your time, because we are burning that up in the backyard where we are having a bonfire in a few hours. Camila and Dinah are coming too with their kid."
"Kids," Lauren corrects herself.
"Kids yeah, can't believe they are having twins."
"Can't believe Dinah is the one carrying them honestly."
"I feel sorry for Mila, Dinah can turn into a monster even without being pregnant-" I start but I gain myself a big nasty slap from my wife.
"-how dare you! Is that what you thought of me all throughout my pregnancy? What kind of a monster I was!"
"If I say no will you believe me?"
"You better run for your life right now, I am not in the mood for chasing so move your ass away from my reach while you still can and let me prepare everything for the bonfire later."
"You want me to help baby?"
"I need you to read that letter so we can burn it later. Tonight we are letting go of our past. Tonight we are starting a new life in our new house that has a beach as a backyard, I swear we bought the one with the best private beach and view."
"Only the best for my babies." Lauren shakes her head pointing at the letter that is stuck on the table in our living room, "read." She instructs before going back to preparations for tonight.
"Mom! Mom!"
"For fucks sake," Lauren covers Lori's ears as she throws it out and Noah shows her his tongue.
"What is it sweetie?" I ask eyeing Lauren up that is making faces at our baby boy.
"I am building up a little bonfire next to the big one you and your friends made, will you let me lit it up later?"
"I am sure we will figure something out, now go on, go back to being an engineer." Noah nods running towards the beach.
I lean back on the sofa reading the worn out letter slowly, it takes an hour for me to re-read it whole just to make sure I read everything and when I look up after finishing the people are already sitting around the bonfire.
It takes me a few minutes to light it up and I smile at my wife happily as I see all of the effort she put into preparing food and everything I didn't had the time to. She calls me over and I sit down next to her pecking her cheek softly.
"Camila where are my wings? I swear to god, you were the one who got this fuckers inside me now I have to eat for three people, bring me my wings!" Dinah yells from the other side of the bonfire.
Lauren squeezes my hand tightly, "I guess you were right, was I this bad as well?"
"No baby," I start and she pecks my lips before I finish, "-you were worse. Ouch Lauren fuck, don't bite me what is wrong with you?"
"I am not even sorry," she giggles saying it as we see Camila stumbling towards her wife with three plates and two glasses of water.
"Watch this, Dinah is about to yell because she brought her water, one, two, three, here we go."
"Camila what the actual fuck, I told you already I hate water, Lawrence and Carlos hate it as well!"
"Did she just randomly gave them names?" Lauren snorts out as she watches the scene, after twenty more minutes and somehow satisfied Dinah Camila comes to sit down next to us, sighing loudly.
"Wait; did she, three plates and she didn't even asked you if you wanted something?" Lauren asks surprised.
"Welcome to our freaking world Lauren. Y/n I'm so sorry for making fun out of you while you had to deal with all of this. Damn it's like my eyes were dirty for all of these years and they are suddenly so clean. She legit stood in front of the mirror for an hour before we left and asked me if she looks like a truck. A fucking truck. What was I supposed to say? That she should beep at us when she walks backwards or when she parks that ass down as she sits?" Lauren snorts so loudly that it almost wakes Lori and Sarah up, I check the stroller and the kids that are playing around Noah's fire. Even our neighbors came and we were all chatting around with constant remarks from Dinah and deep sighs from Camila.
Lauren disappeared for a few minutes and she came back with the box full of letters, Dinah finally managed to shut up as my wife explained what the box was filled with and what are we about to do, I slid my fingers down towards hers and interlocked them, "are we sure about this?"
"Yes. We are. Letting go remember?" We get a hold of the box together as we threw it into the burning wood, it feels like the weight has been lifted up from my shoulders. Lauren on the other hand is clenching her fist holding something inside it. She instructs me to sit down as she opens the paper and gets a hold of my hand with her free hand.
As long as I can remember I dreamt about a perfect life, best friends, gorgeous wedding, someone to hold close to my heart every night, a few kids, me and my wife are at number three right now, three more to go if we will live up to our expectations, if you look at her facial expression right now it will tell you that that is definitely the number of kids I want and she never agreed to have.
See. I told you. However I know that my eyes always manage to do the trick in our relationship, so number six might not be so bad afterwards.
One of the things I dreamt about before my memory got fucked up was this house from the movies and looking towards what we have right now, the house you see in the movies can't compare to our happy home.
Home. Something I dreamt about too. When I was younger I thought that was the house. But now I realize that home are people we love, people that touched us in the best way possible and baby, you are my home, my heart is always safe in your arms. You are my shelter, my hope, my piece of faith when I lose my way, you are more than I wished for.
Dinah. Surprised there aren't you? Don't worry I am not secretly in love with you and this is not some kind of a love confession to you, well not in that romantic way at least. You are my best friend, have been since I can remember and will be till we are grey and old. You were always there for me no matter how badly fucked up I was, even some of my closest people gave up on me, but you? You never did. So Dinah, thank you I love you.
Camila, yeah little one I love you as well, I won't be long with you because Dinah is glaring at me already, if it was up to her she should be the only one who can tell you how much she loves and adores you, but tonight I will tell you that as well, because I really do. You were the one who never had it easy on me, when I fucked it up with people that I love you came right up to me and said, you need to fix that, you are not acting as yourself anymore so fix it, come clean with your mistakes and your illness and make it better. If you haven't pushed me as much as you did, I think I wouldn't be where I am today.
Love. Maybe you are the first at everything but tonight you are the last on this list. How can I describe it to you how much you mean to me? You take my breath away every single day over and over again. You are the only medicine I need. My sunshine that shines brighter than all of the stars in the sky. I am not afraid of failure anymore, I am afraid of reaching my goals without any, you taught me that to succeed you have to learn how to fail and pick yourself up. Look how far we came baby.
Forever doesn't sound long enough to spend in your presence, I am going to find you even when we'll be ghost and we will have our ghost wedding and ghost babies and we will be happy. No matter which path I choose I know you'll always be there to support me on my way.
And I
I just simply love you and our family that's getting bigger and bigger.
Love everything about you, every little detail, everything and I am so grateful that you were there to hold my hand through our dark times because now, now I have those mixed memories of us and they keep rushing back and I don't forget about our family in the morning.
If there is anything I have learned in this life is that no matter what there is nothing like us, you and me, together till the end.
Nothing like us love.
The END,
Well this was one hell of a ride, I started this story waaay back in the days, while I was still young & naive, my outlook on life and certain things might have changed while I was writing this, but even though I would write some stuff diferently now I am going to let the story be. I know I've learned something from it and I certainly hope that you- yes you lovely reader- enjoyed reading it at least a tiny little bit.
My feelings about the last chapter are stuck I don't exactly know which way to turn, to the one where I am satisfied with the result or the one where I know I could do better, well no matter how I turn this around the story is officially over :))
All that's left to do is thank every single one of you who have read this story, commented or voted, I really hope that it brought at least a little joy to you so just know that I appreciate you and the time I stole from you while you were reading this sometimes bad chapters.
Thank youuuu 💙
Ps.: If you wanna check my new story out, *skinny love* it would mean the world to me.
~Monnie