I knocked on the Goodman's door, Aunty Jack opened it and embraced me tight while squealing.
"23! I can't believe it! They're growing up too quickly!" She said.
"Not my birthday just yet-" I spoke but was frightened by the boys, Adam jumped on my back and Jonny gave me a kiss.
"Happy Birthday Pest!" They yelled, I smiled and thanked them. Mum and Aunty Jack traipsed towards the kitchen while the boys and I were close behind.
"Pissface, what the hell is on on your lips?" I wiped my face to find marks.
"Lipstick" he shrugged.
"Fantastic" I replied, "excited for the trip?"
"Yeah, super keen. Aren't you going to miss Bradley though?" Pusface asked. I nodded casually.
"Yeah, but to be perfectly honest we could do with some time apart. I see him everyday so this break will make me miss him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?" I responded, they didn't answer back but just nodded.
*
"Dinners ready! Martin!" Aunty Jack announced, Uncle Marty was nowhere to be seen, "can you please find your father boys?" She asked. The boys got up and travelled off somewhere, as I was being served I saw something in my peripheral vision. Is that? Is that Martin in a dress?
We made eye contact and he hid behind the wall, "Excuse me" I excused myself and went to the front door. Martin was limping to me. He froze, we said nothing until he was inside.
"Happy Birthday love" he wished me. I thanked him and asked why he was wearing a night gown and limping outside, "well uh, I know everyone is tired of seeing my bosoms when I'm boiling," Uncle Marty's boiling bosoms, gotcha,"so I thought I'd try Jackie's night gown"
"Bit tight" I looked down, he covered his nether regions.
"Oh yes. Well, you see it is cold out"
"I thought it was boiling?" I asked, "what about the way you're walking?"
"I stepped in dog shit"
"Of course, of course and why were you outside anyway?" I asked.
"Why do you ask so many questions by god you're like Curious George"
"Thank you for comparing me to a cartoon monkey. It's the compliment I've been waiting for" I commented.
"Dad!...Dad!" Adam called out, bored. He saw his father in his mother's night dress, "oh Dad" he said disappointed.
"Did you find him?" Jonny appeared and saw his father, making the same face as his brother, "oh Dad"
Martin ran upstairs, all three of us were confused but I was hungry, I scratched my neck, "We'll look into that later"
"Yeah, eat first" Jonny muttered and we all awkwardly shuffled to our seats.
*
"You alright Jonnyboo? You've hardly touched your food" Aunty Jack asked Pissface. I hid my smile with my wine glass.
"Yeah. Fine, just nervous about the flight that's all" Jonny kept glancing to his dad, who seemed oblivious to the awkward atmosphere generated by the three youngest people in the room because of him.
"Don't worry son, the chance of a plane crash is highly unlikely...or is it survival?" Martin joked, Jackie held Jonny's hand as a measure of comfort.
I couldn't take the mystery anymore, I looked to Adam and nudged him. He glared at me then I tilted my head towards Martin. Indicating that I wanted him to ask questions, "So where were you before dinner, Dad?"
"What?" Martin leaned in. Adam had a moment before repeating himself, I don't think he wants to know why his dad was wearing a dress.
"Where were you before dinner?" Pusface spoke louder. I held my breath trying to keep the laughter in, was I prepared for the answer? Martin hesitated but played it off as his hearing aid stuffing up.
"Um, sorry mate. My bloody machine shat itself" nice, very smooth uncle Marty. I sighed, quite loudly.
"Uncle Martin, why were you wearing a dress outside?" I said pretty loudly, everyone dropped their cutlery and Aunty Jack choked.
"What?" She asked, mouth full of food.
"I saw your husband outside just before dinner and he was wearing your night gown because he was boiling. But why were you outside Martin?"
"Viv" Adam groaned and tilted his head back.
"What? It's not like a bee stung him on the penis again" I replied.
"Viv!" Jonny yelped. I was confused, we're all close I don't see the problem. "We're having sausages, I don't exactly want to thinking about my dads cock while eating tea now do I?"
"Jonny!" Aunty Jack scolded him for saying 'cock'. "Everyone calm down. Martin is there a reason why you were outside while wearing my night gown?" Jackie asked her husband with a calm tone. Martin hesitated again, I leaned in and concentrated.
"You're weird" Adam told me, I grabbed some peas and put them in his water to shut him up.
"Since your birthday was coming up I thought I'd take some revealing pictures of myself," Martin started, my mouth hung wide open, I was glued to every letter, "I took them in the garage because I wanted it to be a surprise, I thought the night gown would have a nice effect on the lights in there so I took it with me. I only had a towel and my sex undies on so I thought I'd just chuck that on. Everyone came too early so I couldn't escape through the laundry, I went outside"
"Magnifique!" I clapped three times, "did you really step in dog shit?" I asked.
"Yeah. I bet it was that bloody Wilson. Jim really needs to stop coming onto our property with that thing"
"Oh Martin. I apologise for ruining your wife's birthday present" a tear of happiness left my eye. I watched the boys reaction, they looked sick.
"You've ruined my night" Jonny glared at me, Adam looked at me with disgust. I grinned and took another sip of wine.
"I think it's a pretty good pre-birthday dinner" I winked at them, "pray tell me Martin, where was Jonny conceived again? A butcher shop was it?"
"Actually it was an alley behind he butchers"
"Dad!" Jonny was clearly embarrassed.
The next few minutes were Adam, Jonny and I waiting for our crumble and cake.
"Apple and rhubarb! Thank you Aunty Jack" I kissed her cheek.
"Shall we sing Happy Birthday now?" As Jackie was about to begin singing there was a knock at the door, "oh who could that be?" She ordered Adam to answer.
"It's Jim!" He called out.
"Oh go get rid of him Martin, it's Vivian's Birthday dinner" Aunty Jack told her husband.
"So how does it feel knowing you're going to die before me?" Jonny teased.
"Death is welcoming. You shouldn't be afraid of something inevitable young Padiwan, you will understand when you're older" I messed up his hair and he swatted me away.
Martin and Adam returned with Jim and his dog Wilson. I guess Martin isn't as persuasive as Jackie thinks he is.
"Hello everyone"
"Hi Jim" Jackie greeted.
"Hey" Jonny and I muttered.
"Ooh, cake! Happy Birthday Pes-" Jim stopped reading and looked around at his feet, as if a mouse ran passed his foot.
"It's Vivian, it's just a nickname" Mum explained.
"Oh!" Jim chimed, he stood there for what seemed like a century.
"We were about to sing happy Birthday to Vivian Jim so..." Aunty Jack trailed off.
"Oh, right. Sorry, I just came over to say farewell. I know you're all going on holiday very very soon"
"Yes, Vivian won us a lovely holiday" Jackie explained, Jonny squeezed my cheek so I hit him back. It's not my fault I'm the favourite child.
"Fantastic" Jim chirped. It was silent for moment again.
"Well, bye Jim" Jonny said, we all politely smiled and said bye to the strange man.
My birthday was celebrated with crumble, I loved it.
"What times the flight again?" Adam asked.
"6am, so you'll want to be there-" Martin started.
"Two hours earlier at the very least" everyone at the table finished the sentence.
"Is Bradley coming?" Jackie asked me.
"No, he couldn't get time off work" I replied.
"Aw that's a shame"
"She'll probably be moping around the whole time. Lord knows their joined at the hip" Mum commented and had a laugh with the rest of the oldies.
"It'll be good to get away for a while, even if I am participating in public speaking" I tried changing the conversation to the trip instead of Bradley.
"Yes! I remember your speech at graduation 'thanks for everyone for bei-being here tonigh-today-night'" Jonny mocked me, I punched his diaphragm and he wheezed and clung to me, catching his breath.
"Vivian!" Mum scolded me.
"Lovely night Aunty Jack" I thanked her to clear the tension.