While the days kept passing, the funfair came and left, taking Autumn's half-term with it.
I didn't do much during the half-term, I met the girls, mostly Becca and Nina. We went shopping or more like they did the shopping and I just stared. And right on the last day, something weird happened.
Well, not weird, but unusual.
A girl, some random girl... airdropped Lottie and Cassie a little note. It said something like, to the girl with the orange top. You're really cute, text me sometime. And below her number. It was funny because I was the girl with the orange top. And the girls wouldn't stop teasing me about it.
Cassie imminently put the girl's phone on her contacts just to add her on WhatsApp and see if she had a profile picture. Which she did. And it turned out, it was the girl working at H&M, the one that was at the changing room. The one that laughed when the girls dragged me there only to have me hold all the dresses and pieces of clothing they liked, while they tried it all on.
Came Monday morning, classes were back on and all through English Lit. Becca kept trying to get me to text the girl and then my second lesson came and when it ended, I came out to find Becca, waiting for me only to drag me to the cafeteria and to keep trying to get me to text the girl.
"All I'm saying is you should definitely text her," Becca wiggled her eyebrows at me. I giggled, hiding away so she wouldn't see me blush. "She's pretty cute, don't you think?"
Very. I wanted to say but before I had the time to, Danny sat next to me and asked, "Who's pretty cute?"
"Daniel," Becca greeted, Danny hummed back, not very interested in Becca.
"Who's cute?"
"Aside from you, you mean?" Maggie, who was walking by, leaned down and winked at Danny.
"Okay..." I frowned, I saw Becca rolling her eyes. Danny smirked at Maggie and watched as she and her friends walked away from us, back to their own table. "Daniel, stop staring at her ass."
"I'm not," He denied but his smirk gave him away.
"What's your deal, anyways?" Becca was squinting her eyes as if she was trying really hard to figure Danny out.
"What you mean?"
"With Maggie?" Becca elaborated, making Danny frown. "What's your deal with Maggie?"
"I don't have a deal with Maggie?" He chuckled, a bit uncomfortable. "She's the one that flirts with me openly, I'm not— who's cute?"
"I am." I could hear Maddison's smirk in the way she spoke. Becca rolled her eyes harder this time, as she grabbed her things.
"Let me know if you text her, I hope you do but if you don't that's cool too," She said before she stood up and walked away, completely put off because of Maddison.
"People avoid you like you've got the plague." Danny laughed, opening a bag of crisp.
"She'll get over it," Maddison shrugged and turned to me, "Who are you going to text?"
"Uh—" For a moment, I didn't know what to say, confused and slightly irritated.
Maddison had been ignoring me since the last time we saw each other. Which was a little over a week. Last time I saw her was before the funfair and after that, it was half-term, so no classes... I kept texting her, wondering what I did or didn't do for her to just suddenly decide she was tired of me and didn't want to be friends after it was she who asked.
It was a big mind-fuck. And it was fucking irritating that she'd just show up out of nowhere, acting like she didn't do anything.
And yeah, to a point, she didn't do anything. That was the point.
I turned to Danny, ignoring Maddison, see how she liked it.
"A girl that works at H&M, her name is Luna and apparently, she's also in Year 12—" I told him, bringing my phone out and showing Danny the girl's profile picture, he goes over it. Recognition clear on his face.
"Luna," He said, a sly smile making its way through. "We used to go to the same tennis classes, she's pretty nice."
"How did you get her number?" Danny scoffed, an impressed expression on his face.
"She airdropped it and when I went to check, it was the girl at H&M—"
"Airdropped it?" Maddison snorted, her voice tense. "That could've gone horribly wrong."
I rolled my eyes, focusing on Danny's beauty spots, he had three along his cheek. Danny stared at me, frowning. When I didn't reply to Maddison's comment, things got slightly awkward.
"Is she ignoring me?" Maddison chuckled humourlessly, suddenly annoyed.
"What, suddenly I'm good enough for you to talk to me, again?" I blurt out, facing Maddison. Her grey eyes widen slightly, she was probably not expecting this reaction of me.
"I never said that."
"You ignored me for years, Maddison, and then you just—"
"So, did you, Asha." She reminded me, her eyebrows drawn together.
"Guys—" Danny tried to intervene.
"All I'm saying is that it's stupid of you to just start talking to some girl, it's a stupid position to put yourself in, she could've been a killer for all you know and airdrop? What, what's wrong with coming up to you? Seems a bit psycho-ish, if you ask me." Maddison snorted but I could tell she was mad; her eyes replicated mine, both bright with burning annoyance. "You can't trust girls like that."
"I... don't think it's that deep, though, Maddie..." Danny chuckled stiffly.
"Oh, funny you'd say that," I rolled my eyes at the hypocrisy.
"Guys—"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Maddison frowned, interrupting Danny.
"You have a lot of nerve, talking about you can't trust girls like that, as if you were trustworthy. You, Maddison, who treat girls like they're some sort of object you get to pick and drop whenever you need some pleasing," at that point, a lot of heads had turned to see what the fuss was all about, Maddison and I were arguing loudly, loud enough that everybody could hear what we were saying. "Don't act like you care because I think every single person here knows that the only thing you care about is whether or not you get to fuck the next girl."
"Fuck is wrong with you?" Maddison stopped when I tried to walk away, "I point out that a girl isn't good enough for you and you act like this?"
"A girl isn't good enough for me?" I laughed humourlessly, shaking her grip off me. Danny stood up then, standing between me and Maddison. I was so angry that I wasn't even trying to contain myself, so I yelled, "Who the hell do you think you are?"
I don't know why exactly I was so mad, I don't know if it was Maddison disappearing for all those days without even saying hey, not ignoring just busy but she never even replied a single text, she just left me on read. Or maybe I was mad because every single moment where I wasn't with the girls or keeping myself busy, all I saw was Maddison with Sam. Maddison and Sam doing things that made my skin boil with anger. Perhaps it was everything together but I was furious and I wanted to hurt her, I really wanted to hurt her.
I understood then why the girls wanted to get back at her so badly, how they fell for her stupid little charms. It made me so mad that I was so stupid to think that Maddison and I could be anything remotely close to what we used to be.
So, I burst with anger and jealousy and hurt and all that was in-between.
I wanted to hurt her.
"Tell me, Maddison, what makes you think that you have the right to tell me whether or not a girl is good enough for me? And if a girl wasn't good enough for me, Maddison, what would you do, then? Keep her away from me?" I laughed, walking over to her so we were face to face.
Danny put both his hands in the middle of us. It reminded me of how when we were kids, he'd do the exact same thing when Maddie and I argued. When we'd jump at each other's throats after an argument, Danny would jump in and stop it, and we'd always ended up laughing at each other, at our stupid arguments.
Things were simpler back then.
"I wouldn't—"
"How's Sam, Maddison?" I spat the words out, hoping that all the rage inside me would leave with them.
Understanding flooded Maddison's face, followed by slight fear. I knew though, the fear wasn't because of me or because of our argument. The small amount of fear she showed, she did because of Danny.
Please, don't tell Danny, Maddison had said, it was about something else entirely but— judging by Danny's face, it could've been the slightest thing... it was still fucking up with me.
I waited for Maddison to say something, I really wanted her to say something but she didn't. And that just made it all real, it made it all too fucking real and it really hurt.
"Tell me you aren't stupid enough to have done that?" I heard Danny asking before I walked away, biting my tongue trying to keep myself from screaming.
♀ ♀
"You okay?" To my surprise, it was Nina who found me.
I was on the rooftop, students weren't allowed here and that's exactly why I came. The breeze was turning my cheeks into ice, the sun was setting and it was weird to see because it wasn't even four in the afternoon yet. One of the reasons why I loved cold season was because the sun would set really early and it would rain and it would cold and I could wear a big puffy coat, the bigger the merrier and be comfortable in a bubble of warmth.
"How did you find me?" I asked her, frowning at her as she took a seat next to me.
Nina laughed as she shook her head. "I know we never talked before the whole Maddison thing but we've been going to the same school for years. I also sometimes saw you coming up here for lunch."
"What you did back there? That was badass." Nina said, pushing me slightly with her shoulder.
I snorted at her comment, swallowing the anger and hurt like a poison. "Thanks, I guess."
"It'll stop hurting after a while," She told me, I turned to look at her but she wasn't looking at me. She was staring right ahead where she could see the school grounds, her black skin was glowing with the sun, her usually wild hair was in two cornrow braids. And although, I was angry, I couldn't help but stare. Why were girls so pretty? "At first it hurts and then you get mad, so mad that it overtakes the heartbreak. After a while it just... sort of goes away. It hurts when you think about it but... you realise that person was never meant to be for you. If they hurt you, if they betrayed your trust like that? Then they weren't meant to be for you."
I swallow hard. Nina never openly spoke about how she felt after the whole Maddison thing, out of all the girls she seemed to just want to move on. I could tell by the way she spoke and the way her face hardened a little that she still was hurting.
"It's just— I have no right to be mad, you know?" I managed to say, biting the skin off my lip. "I know Sam was never my girlfriend and I can't tell Maddison who to be with or not but— I don't know, I just sort of hoped she wouldn't do that. Not to me."
I think that was just it. I kept thinking that Maddison owed me anything. Maddison wasn't my friend, she hadn't been for ages. She didn't owe me anything. I have no right to feel betrayed. They were both single girls, they could do whatever they wanted. I knew that and my reason kept reminding me of it but I just couldn't stop the anger from rising within me. I didn't matter how much I understood the situation.
"Whether you have a right or not, it doesn't stop it from hurting," she said making me sigh tiredly.
"Do you still love her?" I asked, looking down at my hands, not sure how she'd take the question.
The seconds turned into minutes and I wanted to apologise for getting in her business when she sighs and cracks her knuckles.
"I don't know," She said, her voice tired and low. "Sometimes I think I don't, some others I think I still do and then I get mad. Sometimes, I just— I sort of want her to apologise but I know she won't so, I try my best to just let go of it all."
"But it isn't easy."
"And it's not like there's a manual about letting go."
"One can only wish," I joked, Nina smiled.
"Sometimes, though, I think about it all and it's like, I see her and I just I can't help but think, how did I fall for it? I think back to her excuses, to her ghosting me at random times... it was all there but I didn't want to see it. I just didn't want to."
I swallow hard, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "When did you guys... you know?"
Nina's eyes get smaller as she thought about it. "I was doing tutoring, trying to fill up my personal statement. Guess who needed English Lit. classes? Fuck, it feels like it was ages ago. Like, actual ages ago. It's fucking crazy how a year can make me feel like a completely different person."
"At our age," I said, "sometimes, it feels like we're living lifetimes in a spam of a year. So much shit happens, you'd think years went by."
I sighed, the sun's completely gone and I should've been home already because I had no more lessons for the day but after the argument with Maddison, I just couldn't bring myself to head home.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" She asked, I shook my head and grabbed the hand she was holding out to me.
"I wanna walk," I told her, following after her as we made our way back to the chaos schools could be.
⚧ Daniel ⚧
I was leaning down, getting the spear key from under a pot that had a dead plant in it when someone stood next to me. I rolled my eyes at the smell. It was expensive perfume, the one that smells like what you think gold smells like.
"What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same," Becca sighed, looking down at me. I rolled my eyes harder.
I think it was safe to say neither of us really liked for the other.
It wasn't that I didn't like her, it was just weird to have her around. She always acted like she was above it all, like she had bigger things in her mind and we were all little idiots around her.
"What's your deal?" Once I stood up, I looked down at her, her icy blue eyes met mine and as soon as they did, I felt so small that I almost wanted to step back.
Becca was... fucking fire. The type that made you want to get closer, the type that literally dragged your eyes and made you want to stare for hours but the thing with fire is that it burns and destroys.
That's Rebecca.
"Whatever do you mean, Daniel?" The corners of her lips are slightly pulled upwards as if she could see through me and read my thoughts.
"Whatever it is that you're planning to do with Asha, drop it," I told her. "She doesn't need fake friends."
My comment seemed to bother her but she quickly recovered and smirked, letting it slide off her.
"In another occasion, I'd say the aggressive and the overprotective persona makes you sort of hot but right now, you're just plain annoying, move yourself." She said, her face hard as a stone as she shoved me aside and rang the bell.
"Amateur," I scoff, pushing her aside and using the key to open the door. "we don't ring the bell."
When I opened the door, I make sure I place the key back in its place and walk right in. Becca trailing behind, asking me what I was doing and why I was just casually walking in like it was my house.
I rolled my eyes as I made my way to Asha's room, Becca followed behind. Right when we were about to walk inside Asha's room, Becca shoved me aside and walked in before me. Groaning, I walked in to find my best friend laying in her bed with her covers up to her throat, a messy bun and a bowl of popcorn resting on her chest as she watched Adventure Times.
"Umm—"
"Are you okay?" Becca asked, taking her shoes off and laying in bed next to Asha. I squinted my eyes at the image, it didn't seem forced or awkward. The way the moved around the other as if somehow this was something that happened often, as if they spent a lot of time like this.
"Yeah, I'm chilling," Asha said. I took my jacket off and put it on Asha's desk. "Did you guys come together?"
"Bus," I said at the same time that Becca snorted.
"I drove and when I got here, this one was at the door."
I looked at Becca as she made herself comfortable, cuddling Asha. Not wanting to lay in her bed, I sat on her gaming chair, facing both Becca and Asha. I put my feet up her bed but Becca was slightly pushing my feet with her own. I wanted to laugh but Becca wasn't funny.
"Take your shoes off," Becca muttered, I rolled my eyes and pushed her feet away from mine. I was going to push her feet again but Asha called out my name and gave me a warning look, sighing I took my shoes off.
"Have you watched the last episode?" Asha asked me, pointing at the TV.
"They kiss," Becca grinned at Asha and it is a weird thing to see.
Also... Rebecca watched Adventure times?
I stayed out and watched as Becca and Asha went on, talking about Adventure Times. Sometimes I'd add something to the conversation, some other times I'd laugh at something Asha would say and whenever Becca said something slightly funny, which was rare but... funny nevertheless.
It was odd to see how Asha's body just relaxed onto Rebecca's. After her parents passed away, Asha built a wall around herself, she went into a little shell and hid herself from everything. She stopped playing the piano, she stopped smiling, she stopped hanging around, she stopped everything. And as time went by, she got used to it.
Cecil worried that Asha wasn't living her life. That she kept all her pain inside because she didn't want to bother anyone with it, because she didn't want to give Cecil more reasons to stress. Cecil worried that Asha believed her parents' death was her fault and, in a way, she refused to live her life to punish herself for it. She worried that Asha was letting life pass her by.
Sometimes, I worried that was the case too. Sometimes, I worried that she was so used to what she had been doing for so long that even if she wanted to, she couldn't get herself out of it. Out of the isolation she was in.
But Asha said she didn't need anyone other than me and Cecil. She said she was okay. She said she didn't miss the piano. She said she didn't think she was missing out on anything at all.
Yet in the last month, ever since she started hanging around with the girls, she looked different.
And not only the way she looked physically, the clothes and the makeup were new, yeah, but the difference was in the way she started carrying herself, the way she spoke, the way her eyes glint whenever she was with the girls.
To me, Asha had always had this... light around her. It was in the way she looked at you, the softness in her eyes, the care in her voice. When nobody wanted to hear me, the real me, Asha looked at me and she listened, she wanted to understand, to help. If it wasn't for Asha, I don't know where I would be.
Asha didn't open up to people easily. She didn't like talking about herself, she didn't people violating her private space unless it was Cecil or me, mostly because we sort of pushed ourselves into her comfort zone. That and more reasons was why I was finding it hard to understand the image before me.
Becca's tan arms around Asha, her leg over Asha's lap. They laughed at something stupid Becca said and Asha's laugh was rich and real, the type only a few people manage to get out of her.
My chest tightens at the sight of it. Asha's eyes getting smaller as she laughed harder, her hand covering her mouth as she inhales roughly through her noise.
It wasn't that I was jealous or anything bad at all. I was— grateful. Grateful because when you see someone you adore with your whole being suffer in silence for so long, to see them laugh like there was no tomorrow, like there was not a single thing wrong in the world— you tend to be grateful for whatever that made it happen. And so, I stared at them, finding myself smiling at nothing as I watch them.
⚧ ⚧
"Where do you live, Daniel?" Becca asked me, grabbing her bag and placing it over her shoulder as we made our way out of Asha's house.
"Umm—"
"I can drive you," She offered, closing Asha's front door. "If you want."
"I live kinda far, though," I put my hands inside my pocket.
"I don't mind," She shrugged, walking over to her black Mercedes. "I've got two hours until dance classes, so..."
"Why—"
Becca rolled her eyes, smirking as she played with her car keys. "It's just a ride, Daniel, relax..."
I sighed and followed after her, getting in the passenger's seat. Becca handed me her phone with google maps opened, I wrote my address and she began to drive. It was a thirty-minute drive.
"Just so you know, I'm not planning anything with Asha," She blurted out, tapping her fingers on the wheel, her nails were painted black. "Believe it or not, I like her."
"I—" I sighed, after seeing how they interacted with each other, I regretted my words. "That was a bit of a dick move from my side, I didn't—"
"You meant it and I get why, she's your best friend and you're trying to look out for her."
"It's just weird," I told her, turning to look at her, she was biting her lower lip and I had to force myself to look away. "Two months ago, you didn't even know who Asha was and now—"
"Now we're watching Adventure Times together and she's got me hooked on PandaPop and I'm trying to get her to dance," Becca finishes for me when I don't find the words. A little smile playing on her lips, not a smirk, not a fake smile... I don't even think she noticed she was smiling.
"Yeah, something like that," I cleared my throat, looking at the road ahead of us. Becca stopped at a red light.
As if we had agreed on it, we both turned to look at each other at the same time, her blue eyes meet my brown ones.
"Like I said, Daniel, I like her, we're friends," her eyes were honest, her voice was honest. "And you're her best friend, so I don't want it to be weird or hostile between us because that'll make it awkward for her."
"You never cared before," I said, "Not with Maddie."
She smiled sadly, looking at the light that was turning yellow. "That's different... and I think you know why."
I swallowed hard, looking out the window the rest of the way.
Of course, I knew why...
Maddison didn't care if I got along with the girls she was seeing. I could dislike them, they could despise me, Maddison wouldn't care. I never stopped her from going for a girl, even if I liked the girl. I only ever asked her to leave Asha out of her shit. To not fuck with her in any way, shape or form.
That was why the whole Sam business annoyed me. Maddison could have any girl yet she went for the one she knew Asha liked. She knew because I told her about it when Asha first met Sam. I asked her to leave one girl alone and she couldn't, not even if that meant fucking up a promise she made to me. And that shit pissed me off.
When we finally made it to my house, Becca parked just outside. I didn't get out of her car, though, not because I didn't want to but because the doors were locked, I was waiting for Becca to unlock.
Rebecca faced me, her full lips were red from all the biting she had been doing, her eyes sincere.
"So," She said, extending her hand out to me, "Truce?"
"What other option do I have..." I playfully rolled my eyes at her, reaching for her hand to shake it.